-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Real Viruswriter's Guide ver. 1.0 by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez April 3rd, 2001 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Introduction -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- There are several writings out there which deal with the personality and desires of viruswriters. Some are humorous, other are serious. Some presume that viruswriters are sick, other are trying to prove otherwise. But I've never seen a 'real' file about viruswriters. So, here's one. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Real viruswriters -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Real viruswriters are at least 15 years old Real viruswriters are named after tough movie characters or Iron Maiden songs Real viruswriters with humorsence write their name in hex or key codes Real viruswriters use SEH in their viruses Corollary: real viruswriters know what SEH is Real viruswriters are also cypherpunks Corollary: they never use something as trivial as PC-Secure Corollary 2: they find that NSA sucks Real viruswriters not only code in assembly, but also bread it Corollary: doesn't matter if a real viruswriter writes a macro virus for Word or codes an example program for those who want to learn BASIC, he does it in assembly Real viruswriters think that Mac is the wimpiest thing ever built Corollary: if a viruswriter is forced to use a Mac then he'll have a heart attack in 24 hours Corollary 2: real viruswriters think that iMac makes a nice aquarium Real viruswriters think that Winblows is the second wimpiest thing ever built, but use it because it's so common Corollary: they want their creation to spread Real viruswriters flame you when you enter the scene and they flame you because you didn't flame 'em back Corollary: you get flamed no matter what you do Corollary of the corollary: the first flamer was a real viruswriter Real viruswriters know the difference between a virus and a worm Real viruswriters are proud to be viruswriters and they aren't afraid nor shamed to say so Corollary: if you happen to call them crackers you'll most probably wake up in a hospital Real viruswriters have a website and e-zine, both named after them Real viruswriters, in the days when Coderz.Net was still up, had sneaked past Evul and had their whole 11000+ virus collection on-line Real viruswriters always have their revenge Real viruswriters have written at least 3 polymorphic engines Real viruswriters have written at least 2 compression engines Real viruswriters know that SCAN is shit Corollary: real viruswriters aren't afraid to say shit Real viruswriters know that Norton AV is the worst Norton product ever Real viruswriters are IRC addicts Corollary: they're always late Real viruswriters aren't afraid to use others' ideas or quotations Corollary: half of real viruswriters mail is devoted to flaming because of stealing Corollary 2: if a real viruswriter would live in a pre-computers era he/she would be a criminal or an "inventor" Real viruswriters think that AVers and AV programs suck Corollary: real viruswriter's work has retro-capabilities Corollary to the corollary: a real viruswriter knows what the above line means Real viruswriters find that every 3rd virus should have a destructive payload Corollary: every payload they ever created was destructive Real viruscoders keep a record about other viruswriters and their creations to avoid using an already used name Corollary: they still use already used names because they like to see what happens Corollary to the corollary: real viruswriters like to live dangerously Real viruswriters read newspapers and operate fast if necessary Corollary: there's a high chance that half of Bush's voters were actually viruses Real viruswriters can go on-line where ever they are no matter what time it is Corollary: they practically live in cyberspace Real viruswriters don't create logs of their virus collection for putting it up in their web page Corollary: they've uploaded everything they got and wrote a program which runs the scanners and ZIPs the output if someone uses the 'logs' link Corollary to the corollary: the owners of VX servers sometimes wish they would mess around with something else then virii Real viruswriters watch horror movies Corollary: they think that digitized Jason would make a pretty effective virus Real viruswriters think that the viral stuff in "Johnny Mnemonic" was bullshit Real viruswriters find that the fact that the hackers in "Hackers" needed 5 minutes and a dozen viruses to defeat 'GOD' proves that they were wimps Real viruswriters never hack any systems Corollary: they infect it with a virus which gets all the necessary stuff Real viruswriters never, ever, get infected Corollary: they use someone else's computer for testing stuff Real viruswriters can name at least 12 reasons why creating viruses is cool Real viruswriters wear everything that suits their taste and is comfortable Corollary: IRL you'll never know that you're talking to one Corollary to the corollary: real viruswriters like 'stealth' in every situation Real viruswriters worship Dark Avenger Corollary: real viruswriters know who that was Real viruswriters have any vx-zine ever released Real viruswriters have ca. 122102 sources Corollary: they forget to weed their source collection Real viruswriters find that warez suck but use them because they're cheap Real viruswriters find that warez puppies suck, but they also find that those are quite effective spreaders Real viruswriters like to use the sentences 'lamer' and 'script kiddie' Real viruswriters haven't since 1995 written any articles which were related to DOS viruses Real viruswriters know that Bonchev is the shittiest AVer ever lived Corollary: a real viruswriter "accidentally" mis-spells his name Corollary 2: real viruswriters never use the word 'boza' Corollary to the corollary: they know that only really sick bulgarians drink this stuff instead of using it as window cleaning liquid Real viruswriters find that Frisk's a pretty ok dude Real viruswriters think that real cyberpunks, real pyros and real anarchists would be cool if they'd just write viruses Real viruswriters don't leave the scene for their wives and kids, instead they teach 'em to write viruses and bring them into the scene Corollary: virusing will never die Real viruswriters listen to hard music Corollary: they would blow up Britney's head if they could Real viruswriters listen to such strange music as made by Bang Gang Real viruswriters know what 'records' are and even own a record player Corollary: they got it cheap from some x no-name corner shop Real viruswriters use ACE or RAR or OOP Corollary: real viruswriters know that ZIP has no other purpose than spreading Corollary 2: real viruswriters know that OOP is the English version of AMG but they still like it Real viruswriters like to have fun Corollary: that's the second reason why they write destructive viruses Real viruswriters like macros for other reasons than virusing Real viruswriters can spell but tend to use slang in small amount because they find it neat Real viruswriters know that the main purpose of virii is to spread Corollary: they always have with them a disk which carries infected programs Real viruswriters know that they are the main force behind AI research Corollary: they find that US scientists should be shot for taking the credit Real viruswriters don't brag about their skills, instead they go and code something sensational Real viruswriters like the word 'smooth' but don't use it Real viruswriters know that every AVer who says "VXers should go to jail" stinks because he makes down those who provide him with a job Corollary: most AVers stink Real viruswriters are caffeine addicts Corollary: a real viruswriter can't live more than 3 days without cola or coffee (or tea if he's British) Corollary to corollary: real viruswriters think that in some situations it's ok to eat coffee-powder Real viruswriters have written a virus for every OS they could get their hands on Real viruswriters can code a virus in every language there is but prefer ASM Real viruswriters have better things to say about ASM than just "it's cool" Corollary: they say: "It's awesome" Real viruswriters consider viruswriting to be a form of art Real viruswriters know that VXers are the beginning and the end and AV people set their steps after them and not otherwise Real viruswriters = BOFHs (or BUFHs) + virusing Real viruswriters would never work for an AV company Real viruswriters have nothing against anarchy and/or chaos Real viruswriters are not punks-who-would-like-to-practice-some-anarchy Corollary: they are maniacs-who-would-eliminate-the-whole-human-kind-right- away -=-=-=-=-=-=- Conclusion -=-=-=-=-=-=- So, perhaps you'll now watch with a different look at the little virii which just trashed your harddrive, flashed your BIOS and blew up the monitor. After all, it might have been written by a REAL viruswriter