______________________________________________________________________________ 1 1 t h H H OO U U RRRRR 11 11 ttt h H H O O U U R R 1 1 1 1 t hhh H H O O U U R R 1 1 t h h H H O O U U R R 1 1 tt h h HHHHH O O U U RRRRR 1 1 H H O O U U R R 1 1 H H O O U U R R 1 1 H H O O U U R R 11111 11111 H H OO UUU R R P R O D U C T I O N S Presents... ______________________________________________________________________________ --------------------------------------------------- How to get Free Cable by Doktor B0lliX N. Makari --------------------------------------------------- Eleventh Hour Publishing It's late at night, the lights are out and the dull white and black static of the television dances on the screen. Phredd sits and grimly watches the meaningless, squiggling patterns. This is the channel where Cinemax *should* be, but due to Phredd's thin and worn wallet, he must do with white noise. Later in the month, Phredd stays home from work and ignores his lithe, attractive girlfriend's pleas. He rushes to the television, leaving a spiralling trail of popcorn and cookie crumbs behind him. He is ready for the most incredible adventure of the year... his short period of *free* Cinemax, Disney Channel, HBO and The Movie Channel! He sits on the edge of his seat, watching Dumbo and Stallone... and when the week-end is over, he is reduced to a red-eyed static zombie once more. "Aha," you murmur, "This sad tale of woe has been repeated many times over, and as I am neither rich nor an electronics genius, I cannot get free cable pay channels like HBO." But let us go back to poor Phredd's predicament. His nerves are frayed, as poor Phredd knows that tonight is his last night of movie enjoyment. Then, from the clinging shadows of night, Doktor Bollix steps forth and tips his black hat. Phredd stumbles backwards and gasps in amazement, "I th-thought I locked the door!" "I entered via the window, eh wot?" Bollix mumbles, some sort of gummi candy peering from between his lips. Bollix stands beside Phredd's cable box after a few quick strides, and roughly yanks the lovingly attached cable in the back, plucking it free. "Aiiieeee! Schwarzenegger is gone! What have you done???" Phredd springs from the sofa, bruising his fragile skull and damaging the ceiling. "My cable! My life!" Moans Phredd. "Shut up and listen. When the cable company computers decide to give you a channel for free, they send a code to you via your cable, switching the channel 'on'. Thus it remains for a given duration, and when the time's up...." "No more Cinemax... " Bollix leans against a plant, "When time's up, they send another signal to your box, shutting the channel 'off'. However, if your cable box is disconnected for a few days, the 'off' signal never reaches it and the channel remains 'on'!" Bollix smiles. "And you don't pay a thing." Phredd's bleary eyes gaze upwards in wonder at Bollix. "Y-y-you mean... I get the Disney Channel, FOR FREE??" Bollix nods with a grin. "Wow! I shall never be sad again! no more late-night eyestrain! I can't believe it... " "Keep calm, Phredd." "How can I ever repay you?" a vibrant Phredd asks. "Just spread the word of "Bob". You just received a major imbuement of slack. Enjoy." Bollix wriggled back out the window, and disappeared with a faint "Praise Dobbs" echoing in the distance. And Phredd leaned back in his chair, relaxed and confident and watched the blank screen of the television as he waited for morining. A new morning in his new world of cable. Free cable. _______________________________________________________________________________ A B0lliX spiel -- 5/24/91 Hail to Tamara. Enjoy Manhattan, and send me a card from Belgium when you go home! Greets to Aldebaran, who has no cable, and Lester who has it all, thanks to a properly placed paper-clip. (And yer father's a *cop*??) _______________________________________________________________________________ (C) 1991 by Janitor Brand & The Eleventh Hour All Rights Curiously Examined And Contemplated "The Purple Duck Flies South at Noon" Call these fine boards: The Janitor's Closet - (617) 69X-XXXX The Works - (617) 861-8976 X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845 Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766 realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662 Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699 The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674 Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560 "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X