-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Real DOS User's Guide ver. 1.0 by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez December 3, 2000 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Introduction -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- It's the year 2000 (soon 2001). 5 years ago MicroSlot came out with a 'revolutionary' OS: Win95. Most people have moved from DOS to Win and some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't stop a REAL DOS user. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Real DOS users -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Real DOS users are older than 15 years Real DOS users aren't RealDOS users Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he/she has other OS' on the HD) Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000 Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get rid of the 1 minute delay by booting Real DOS users can program Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which was started by Norton Commander Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever Corollary: they find that DOS Navigator is over-bloated Real DOS users own Winblows only because Soft-ICE runs under it Corollary: real DOS users own the DOS version but find that it lacks some features Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can be done under DOS Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for archiving then he/she definitely ain't a real DOS user Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it Real DOS users don't load their mouse driver from CONFIG.SYS or AUTOEXEC.BAT Corollary: they load it only when they are about to run one of those weak programs Corollary to the corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the annoying mouse cursor when it's not currently needed Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is QEMM Real DOS users like the real mode Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM instead of QEMM Corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user knows German Real DOS users like to listen to MODs Corollary: real DOS users know what MODs are Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses DOSAMP Corollary to the corollary: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS Corollary to the corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user can use every piece of software there is no matter what language it's in Real DOS users love COM format Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM Corollary: they have most of their stuff on CDs Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but don't use it Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMM when there's XMS Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS extender Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index from AT Performance Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 29 seconds Corollary to the corollary: they jump from joy if it takes only 20 seconds Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A: Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of viruses Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a BIOS where you can't set the booting sequence Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money Corollary: real DOS users like GPL Corollary to the corollary: they rather not distribute their programs under it Real DOS users have the latest version of PGPi Corollary: they know where to get it Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20 Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][ Real DOS users have an off-line version of MUD Real DOS users think that Wolfenstein 3D and it's followers (DOOM and others) are only good for virus spreading Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should be shot Real DOS users use TurboCopy Real DOS users use DG or TR for debugging Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW Real DOS users don't use backup programs Corollary: they like to live dangerously Corollary 2: they have had at least two HD crashes Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz which has a MDA monitor Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it Corollary of the corollary: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore Real DOS users have at least two computers Real DOS users always have some project going Corollary: they don't get enough sleep Real DOS users like textfiles Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is a nut case Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT files Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC Real DOS users constantly monitor the 'Interesting DOS Programs', 'Freeware DOS Programs' and FreeDOS sites Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy Real DOS users have at least one 5,25" disk drive and seven 5,25" floppies Real DOS users drink Coca Cola Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible alternative to DOS Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on some badly working CD Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CDX program there is Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Crist Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because HiRAM won't work with others Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline Real DOS users know assembly Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing Real DOS users know that the smallest program which won't hang has the size of 1 byte Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there is Real DOS users have a COVOX Corollary: they didn't build it themselves Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming Real DOS users know about most of their files what those are exactly good for Real DOS users love ASCII art Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up screen Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect Real DOS users have at least 600kB free base memory after loading everything Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than 3kB memory Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since DOS 2.0 Real DOS users know that DOS will never die -=-=-=-=-=-=- Conclusion -=-=-=-=-=-=- If you're lucky (or unfortunate) enough you'll meet a real DOS user one day. Hope that day comes soon. Or are afraid of that.