ࡱ> c njbjbSS "11j] l'*,QE~~~~~"J6J~f~$>@A Gentleman's Internet Companion Here is some advice for GoodGuys on the net: There is nothing magic about the internet. It is just another way for men and women to meet, like school, church, work, or in bars. The Internet has the advantage of exposing you to a great many more experiences than you would otherwise have at church or school-- and it's this added number of contacts that cause the problem. On the internet, you have to be prepared for the added risk of meeting someone who will do harm to you. This does NOT mean that you should not take the risk. Of course you can-- just keep your eyes as open as your heart. Remember that eight out of ten internet posters are men. Consequently, women have it four times easier than we do when they want to socialize. You must be prepared to be ignored or rejected out of hand on a scale you never dreamt of. Do NOT take it personally. I believe that about two women in three that you meet on the internet will exhibit a serious personal problem that you need to consider. For about one in three, the problem will be so serious, that you will NOT want that woman in your life. These odds sound bad, but they are actually good news. It means that you know what your risks are, and have a good way to begin measuring how well you're doing. Here are some of the women you need to watch out for: Some are alchoholics or on drugs. They WILL lie about it. Run. Enough said. Men pretending to be women. EEEEnuf said. Some are more interested in your money than they are in you. There are several forms-- the trickiest to recognize, is the upper middle class "doctors' daughter" who thinks her insanely high standard of living is her birthright, and doesn't realize how rude she is. Some are married but don't admit it at first. While this sounds good; believe me, you don't want the problem after your third or fourth meeting. I'm someone for whom this does NOT happen; and it's happened to me three times. I was going steady for two months one time, before my SO's husband came home. This also goes for children. I personally haven't run into very many single moms pretending to be sirens in the night, but it does happen. I also don't care if my intended has multiplied herself, but you might. In any case, it's a big thing to lie about. By the third or fourth email exchange; you should know. Many women have serious emotional problems. You should familiarize yourself with what paranoid, histrionic and narcissistic neuroses are, and pay particular attention to what a Borderline Personality disorder is. You WILL meet them, and they hide it well at first. Consult the DSM IV in a Library, and read about this. Women who don't like sex--- at least, not with you-- and won't admit it. They have a hundred reasons, but it all boils down to this: They have decided that they aren't attracted to you don't want to form a close relationship with you. And they're LYING about it. This damages your emotional integrity and wastes your time. Apply the three-date rule as a guideline. Women who flip emotionally from one thing to another. I found this website because of a terrible experience I just had, with a woman I thought I knew. I met her on the internet but knew her for ten months on three separate mailing lists and two newsgroups before we met. She confessed she "loved" me the second night we were together. We lived together for 18 months-- I helped her finish College and loaned her $5000 dollars-- and three weeks ago with no notice, she announced she was leaving me for another man she met on the Internet. I am honestly devastated. My first lesson: If she'll join up with you quickly; she'll leave you quickly, too. Watch out for impulsive women. ... and NO, the sex wasn't worth it. Foreign-born women. Men over thirty meet many more foreign-born women than American women think they do.There's nothing wrong with them except that they also fit the profile above-- but you will experience two added risks: First, the company that introduces you is probably a scam outfit, like the Russian outfits that advertise heavily these days. You can't trust a thing they say, and they will charge you three months' income to deal with them. You run the risk of grappling with some real female bounders in the bargain: Mafia sweeties; street girls; third-world gold-diggers, and even convicted criminals. Secondly; you WILL have an added cultural barrier to cross. Relationships with foreign born women (except for North America and England) currently have a 2% success rate. Here's what to do about all this: Keep your eyes as open as your heart is. Remember that many good women are simply not appropriate for you. If you have strong religious or political or other personal values; then you must be doubly sure before you get too close. A woman isn't a bad choice just because you decide not to choose her. You have personal tastes and cultural expectations that you probably don't know you have. Sit down and make a list--- define your expectations--- before going out to play on the internet. Age; weight; race; health; children; personal interests; profession-- This will keep you out of a LOT of trouble. The people you meet will thank you for it. Incidentally, be ready to change your mind over time, too. After you've met someone and had fun for a few posts; spend some time where you politely but conscienciously try to discover whether they drink, how many relationships they've had and how they ended, and what their job status, money values, and attitudes toward people in general are. Are they suspicious of everything? Do they brag that they are beautiful or smart? Are they employed or in School? Are they married? Do they have children? Do they think all people are basically 'good' or basically 'bad?' Just check on the basics. You will be surprised two times out of three. Make sure you also check on the basics for that SPECIAL person you just met--- the one you are most sure of could be the very one that stings you. Never send money, addresses, pictures or anything personal to anyone you correspond with until you have a damned good reason. Do not "help out" any woman you are corresponding with socially on the internet. Boy, am I sorry I did. Never go to bed with a woman whos' problems are worse than your own. You know the awful line girls use on us--- "... let's just be friends..." Well, some of these women we might reject as relationship choices, actually make much better friends than they do lovers. There's nothing in the singles' rulebook that says you can't have a few close female friends while you're still looking for lovers. I think most of our problems, men OR women, comes when we want a closer relationship with someone else than THEY want with US. This is where our time and money goes; when we run the heaviest social and financial risks; and when our hearts break. Take a half-step back to friendship and enlist their support if you can. If you have a female friend you were once interested in; do not phone or see her more than once a week until your feelings settle down. Less often is preferable. FINDING MS. RIGHT 1.Don't bother with the chat-rooms. You want someone who lives nearby. To me, someone living 2,000 miles away and looking to date me raises some serious red flags. It only makes it easier to deceive you since she knows you won't be meeting her next weekend. 2.Limit your search to no more than a 45 minutes drive from your home - anything further will make for a long drive in bad weather or after a bad date. Forget about starting a long distance relationship on the internet. Will the $500+ plane ticket (plus hotel, rental car, etc...) to meet your online love be worth it if there isn't any chemistry after all? What if she bails out on you at the last minute because her grandfather died for the fifth time and you're stuck with a non-refundable ticket? It's going to be a pretty crappy extended weekend getaway to Wichita, Kansas by yourself. If it's not that far, then driving home for 3-4 hours with a big question mark over your head after getting mixed signals from your date isn't any fun either. 3.Find a good online match making service. Put up a good personal. Be honest (the truth will be told sooner or later - and no one likes to be deceived), post a clear and recent picture, and have something interesting to say about yourself and state what you're looking for in a match. Most women aren't interested in how much you can bench press or how much horsepower is under the hood of your car. Also, ask yourself, are you really ready to date? Are you still carrying baggage from a past relationship? Do you have what will attract a woman to you (good job, future ambitions, mental/emotional security, your own place to live, etc?). 4.It's also helpful that you let people looking at your personal know what you are not looking for - let your ad act as a gatekeeper. The idea is not to get as many responses as possible - many of which you'll reject after reading the first few sentences anyway - but to get as few GOOD matches as possible. There are plenty of unemployed single mothers who chain-smoke and need to go out partying 5 nights a week. If you're working days, do you really want to date someone who works nights (notice there are plenty of single nurses out there - 2/3'rds of them work evenings/nights and you'll be lucky to see them more than once a week). Since you don't want these women to begin with, why be bothered wasting your valuable time reading e-mail that you're gonna toss out anyway? 5.Many matchmaking services allow you to specify what range your income falls under. It's none of her damn business! Answer only "prefer not to answer" or similar. You want someone to like you for you - and not how much you make. Keep your occupation generic - most people will get the idea if you're pulling minimum wage or a decent salary by what you do. 6.When responding to a woman's personal (especially if she put a picture up and is reasonably attractive), expect that she'll probably get more responses than she could ever want or have the time to reply to. Chances are unless you're Superman she won't bother with you because she has so many to choose from. I've always done well by just placing a good personal and letting it do the work for me. If you're "marketable" - they will come to you. 7.After exchanging a couple of introductory e-mails with someone agreeable to you, keep the online/telephone getting to know you better relationship limited to a week or two before meeting. Why spend all that time and money falling for someone you have yet to meet - only to end up meeting and the chemistry isn't there after all? There are better things to do with your time and money (the 10-15 cents per minute AT&T, Sprint or MCI charges for long distance calls you will add up quickly). 8.Ask permission via e-mail before Instant Messaging someone (particularly AOL users - as their AOL name is also their IM name). Some people find that IM is a nuisance and don't care to have the world know when they're online or not, and are happy just exchanging e-mail. 9.Don't be afraid to ask questions, and keep them tasteful. Better to know now, than after a month of dating someone, only to find out that she's not for you. 10.Don't forget that there are plenty of single women out there. Don't ever settle for less than what you want. Be patient and make sure the person you're going to meet, or currently dating is, someone that you'll still want around five years from now. 11.Trust your gut. If you have any doubts about someone, then keep looking. Remember that if it's true good to be true, then it probably is. THE FIRST DATE 1.Make plans the first date simple (and cheap) - meet up for coffee or lunch at an ideal halfway point for the both of you. Generally speaking, a guy is expected to pay for at least half the dinner/bar tab, but more often than not you'll be forking out the cash for the entire thing - so choose a place that's nice, but not ridiculously expensive. After a series of first dates where you're being a great guy and paying for it all at the finest restaurants (and finding out the chemistry isn't there each time)... the credit card bill will add up quickly. 2.Look presentable. Show up on time. Be yourself. Be honest. 3.Alcohol on a first date should be a no-no! It will make you drop your inhibitions and after a few drinks, beer goggles kick in, you'll be flirtier than usual and you may end up misleading someone (or engaging in something else) that you probably wouldn't have much interest in the first place. Then once you and her go home, the next day you won't be feeling so chipper about each other. Chemistry should happen on it's own, and not with some help from Bud or Jack. 4.Don't make other plans for the evening... keep it open. Having to leave after an hour or two because of other plans is just plain rude and tells her you're not interested. On the other hand, if the date lasts only an hour or two because she has to go then don't put all your eggs in her basket either - it's likely she's not interested. 5.Read her body language. Is she looking at you or looking everywhere but at you? Are there too many uncomfortable moments of silence? Can't think of anything to talk about? Chances are she's not interested... probably a good time to bail. 6.Leave the cell phone in the car. It's rude to have it with you. You're on a date with her, not the rest of the world. Your buddies (or other girls you may be talking to at the time) can wait. 7.How did the date end? Was it a rushed "gotta go" (bad sign) or a nice friendly hug and perhaps a kiss with a promise to meet again (good sign). 8.Trust your gut. If you think that the first date will also be the last and only date with this person, regardless of how well it went, then chances are it's right. DATING 1.Give things time to develop. Don't smother the other person to death with 50 phone calls, e-mails and instant messages a day. The other person has a life too (work, friends, family, time to clean her apartment, recreational activities, and downtime for herself). 2.Don't lose sight of the fact that you're in a probationary period with this person, as she is with you. If things are meant to be, they'll fall into place naturally. If not, you'll sense it. 3.Are you finding yourself doing most of the calling, paying for dates, buying gifts/flowers, etc.? Chances are you're going to be broke, frustrated and disappointed soon. A relationship is a 50/50 endeavor and if you're carrying the weight of it all now, you'll be doing it as long as you are involved with this person. 4.Don't push the sex issue. Be a gentleman! These things will happen naturally if there is enough of a mutual attraction and desire for each other. 5.Trust your gut. If you sense the end is near, chances are it is. 6.Remember this when it doesn't work out - when it's over, it's over. Don't lose your dignity by pleading for someone to take you back. Her mind is made up and the decision is final. When you're surrounded by millions of other profiles, how can you make sure the people you want to meet actually notice you? An intriguing profile is your key to romantic success. Make it personal. Make it special. Make it stand out. We've got some tips to get you started. Your Headline Your Profile Your Photo Your Headline Browsing through Search Results is like being in a room full of potential mates; with so many to choose from, you have to depend on first impressions. Your headline is one of the first impressions you make, so it had better be good! Make it unique! "Looking For Love" or "Seeking My Match" is too generic and won't set you apart from the crowd. Remember that your headline is one of the first things other members will see; set aside a few minutes to make it special or try these suggestions. Play up your best features! Pick the most appealing or distinctive aspect of your personality. "Warm, Affectionate Man Seeks Hand To Hold In His," "Gourmet Wants To Cook Romantic Dinners For Two," "Yes! There IS A Woman Who'd Love To Watch Football With You Every Sunday!" It's important to send a message that your match will receive loud and clear. Be clever but clear. Don't assume strangers will understand your sense of humor. "Clever Headline TBD" doesn't give anyone a reason to read your profile. "Fat, Ugly And Stupid Seeks Thin, Gorgeous And Brilliant" doesn't work either (would that make you want to click or move on?). Be realistic. "Prince Seeks Princess" and "Looking To Live The Fairy Tale Life" suggests that you need to get your feet back on the ground. Try not to set yourself up as an object of pity by using the words "lonely" or "desperate," as in "Lonely Lady Seeks LTR" or "Desperately Seeking Soulmate." Are you looking for someone who is lonely or desperate? Neither is anyone else. And surely there are more enticing ways to describe yourself! Back to top Your Profile Once your headline makes someone want to learn more about you, the trick is to keep his or her attention. Don't feel like you have to sell yourself; just be open and honest. Ask a friend to help you write your profile, and have another friend read it afterwards. Keep the following advice in mind to help you create a winning profile. Get to the point! Avoid beginning by complaining about how hard it is to write a profile or find a quality mate; everyone here has to do just that. Dive right into describing yourself and what makes you tick. If you get stuck, use these questions to get you started. Focus on your strengths! Write about your hobbies, involvement in your community, interesting work or travels-whatever it is that makes you special. Think about your ideal match, and write as though you're talking specifically to that person. Be honest! An "avid tennis player" is not someone who started taking lessons last weekend. The walk from your desk to the parking lot-no matter how briskly you do it-does not count as "exercises daily". Remember that your match will assume everything you write to be true; once you decide to meet offline, you don't want any uncomfortable surprises. Be realistic! The words you choose can alienate potential matches, so go easy on phrases like "drop-dead gorgeous" and "looking for the perfect mate." Set your expectations high, but keep them real too. Having trouble describing your ideal match? Try these suggestions. Be open and conversational! How many times have you read a profile that tries to impress by using vocabulary-busting words-words that inevitably are misspelled? It ruins the effect. Or maybe you've come across profiles that say too little, leaving you wondering why anyone would want to contact this person. Write enough to get your message across, but use words that would come out of your mouth normally. In short, just be yourself on a particularly good day. Describe what's important to you! Don't be afraid to mention qualities that are important to you in a relationship; loyalty, the ability to communicate and listen, intelligence and humor are good examples. Put those qualities front and center, and avoid emphasizing characteristics that are less important to you. Give some thought to why your best relationships have worked well and why the worst worked so badly; maybe you'll discover a pattern there. Check your spelling and grammar! Your profile tells your potential matches what to expect from you in an offline conversation; it's all anyone really has to determine your personality and your ability to communicate. Although it might be completely unfair to assume, misspelled words can make people judge you as being uneducated or illiterate. Take a few extra minutes to check your spelling. Try writing your profile in a word processing application first; run spell check, make corrections and copy the text into your profile. Back to top Your Photo Did you know that profiles with photos are eight times more likely to generate responses from other members? And as with all other aspects of your profile, the photo you choose says something about you; make sure you're delivering the message you intended. Keep it real! Don't be deceptive with your photo choice. That means everything from not choosing a clean-shaven photo if you've just grown a goatee to not posting a photo from two years ago, right after you lost all the weight that you've since regained. And please, whatever you do, don't use someone else's photo instead of your own. Remember that you're going to have to live up to the image you present, so make sure it resembles the real you. It's all about you! Choose a photo that features you by yourself. A group doesn't make you the center of attention; in fact, it may even make it difficult for your match to determine who you are. Would you want to make it all the way to a first date only to find that your match actually was interested in your friend, the one who was third from the left? Go in for your close up! Photos taken from a distance end up stealing the focus away from you. Even though you're proud of your new car or boat or your recently acquired ability to hang glide, keep in mind that your matches want to see your face; they want to be able to associate what you look like with how you describe yourself in your profile. Focus on quality! The attention your photo gets should be positive. Choose a good, clear, current close-up of your face as your primary photo; additional photos can include full body shots or pictures of you with your pet. Make sure the photo is well-cropped and doesn't cut off the top of your head (leaving your matches to wonder if there's hair there). And remember to smile! A picture really is worth a thousand words. As a free service to our members, we offer three easy options for posting photos with your profile: About Me How would your best friend describe your personality? How would you describe yourself physically? What do you do for a living? What do you like to do for fun? What types of music move you? When are you the happiest? When are you most at peace? What have you done that makes you proud? Which days of the week are best for you to meet someone? If you could choose a super power, what would it be? If you could invite any 5 people (past or present) to dinner, who would they be? What's your idea of a perfect date? What secret would you never have considered telling someone on a first date? Do you believe in love at first sight? Why or why not? 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