From: weasel@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Mike Rosenberg) Date: 27 Jan 93 04:54:26 GMT Newsgroups: alt.quotations Subject: My Quote List (VERY LONG) This is the Quote List I have been compiling over the last few years. Most of the errors are probably mine so feel free to blame me for them. Suggestions, comments, and complaints should be sent to me at msr@casbah.acns.nwu.edu The list has been divided into moderately arbitrary categories. The last section of the list contains quotes which have not yet been put into categories, either because of laziness or indecision as to where I want to put them (I should probably just dump them into Misc for now, but...) There is also a small section called 'words' which consists mostly of a few, very long words phrases that I think are neat. As of this point, none of the quotes in the list have been taken from alt.quotations, although I have seen a number of them posted to the news group by others. In the future, I will be adding quotes from a.q. as I find them. Enjoy! --Mike a.k.a. Weasel *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* * Mike Rosenberg | msr@casbah.acns.nwu.edu * * | jth@isp.nwu.edu * * "Weasel is not a nickname -- | weasel@merle.acns.nwu.edu * * it's a state of mind." | weasel@nwu.edu * * | * *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* "Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid" Heinrich Heine ******************************************************************* AMERICA (See Politics) If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? Richard M. Nixon America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. Oscar Wilde Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. Frank Lloyd Wright An asylum for the sane would be empty in America. America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. ******************************************************************* ART/MUSIC Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one Stella Adler I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time. Erin Cleary Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and have imagined them to be men of much greater profundity then they really are. Henry Fielding Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom Robert Frost You're an actor, are you? Well, all that means is: you are irresponsible, irrational, romantic, and incapable of handling an adult emotion or a universal concept without first reducing it to something personal, material, sensational -- and probably sexual! George Herman, _A Company of Wayward Saints_ But that's what being an artist _is_ -- feeling crummy before everyone else feels crummy. The New Yorker Without music life would be a mistake Friedrich Nietzsche Wagner's music is better than it sounds Mark Twain A critic is a legless man who teaches running. Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it. Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. ******************************************************************* CHILDREN/YOUTH (See Marriage/Family) Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers. Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. ******************************************************************* COMPUTERS If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside. Robert Cringely/InfoWorld To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer Morris Kingston To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so. Orben's Current Comedy To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are. The goal of Computer Science is to build somthing that will last at least until we've finished building it. Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. Whenever possible blame the hardware. ******************************************************************* DECADENCE I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. Ashleigh Brilliant Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. W. Somerset Maugham I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again. Bart Simpson When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. Mae West Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. Mae West I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy. Bern Williams The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin! ******************************************************************* DESIRE When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. Alexander Graham Bell Better murder an infant in its cradle than nurse an unacted desire William Blake Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp--or what's a heaven for? Robert Browning Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain. William Faulkner It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy for me. Kugell Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address. Lane Olinghouse I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four. Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg Whatever you want too much, you can't have, so when you REALLY want something, try to want it a little less. Walter Slovotsky, _The Sleeping Dragon_ by Joel Rosenberg Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking. If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you wouldn't want What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan. ******************************************************************* ECONOMICS/MONEY/BUSINESS What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. Frank Adams If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty I'm proud of paying taxes. The only thing is --- I could be just as proud for half the money. Arthur Godfrey The trick is to stop thinking it is `your' money. IRS auditor The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs. Karl Marx If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. Karl Marx's Mother An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides. John H. Patterson When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them. H. V. Prochnow I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire. Lewis Timberlake I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. Mark Twain Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality to be accountants. A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. ******************************************************************* EDUCATION Learning is finding out what you already know Richard Bach Academy: A modern school where football is taught. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Genius without education is like silver in the mine. Ben Franklin God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board Mark Twain About all some parents accomplish in life is to send a child to Harvard. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. I have never let my schooling interfere with my educations. ******************************************************************* EGO Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. Tallulah Bankhead An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me. Ambrose Bierce Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space Diana Black I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. Ashleigh Brilliant A really busy person never knows how much he weighs. Edgar Watson Howe I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress Jane Siberry Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example Mark Twain I never loved another person the way I loved myself. Mae West Swallowing pride never choked anyone The best thing to do behind a person's back is to pat it When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it. ******************************************************************* FOOLS There's no fool like an old fool --- you can't beat experience. Jacob Braude Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. Dale Carnegie There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it. Niven's Law # 16 It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenius. Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. ******************************************************************* FRIENDS/ENEMIES Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as any other fragile and precious thing. Randolph S. Bourne A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. Oscar Wilde We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. Advice from your friends in like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject. With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. ******************************************************************* HAPPINESS Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. Benjamin Disraeli Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality. Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. ******************************************************************* HISTORY/PAST If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money. Construction Digest What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens. Benjamin Disraeli Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. Dwight D. Eisenhower In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. Paul Harvey If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience George Bernard Shaw We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper. ******************************************************************* HUMOR Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. Fred Allen Laughter is the closest distance between two people. Victor Borge Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it. Herodotus The muse of humor has once again looked down upon me, and found me worthy to carry out the deeds of her noble cause. Michael S. Rosenberg He who laughs, lasts. If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first. A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused. The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. ******************************************************************* KNOWLEDGE/WISDOM (see Mind) Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. Confucius It takes a long time to understand nothing. Edward Dahlberg A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can. Montaigne We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. Mark Twain Your ignorance cramps my conversation. Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge. Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn. The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. ******************************************************************* LANGUAGE Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There's a frood who really knows where his towel is. Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ Language is a virus from outer space. William S. Burroughs We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a very grave danger they will be misinterpreted. H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense. Conversation is the slowest form of human communication. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. ******************************************************************* LEGEND/VALOR Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age. H. L. Mencken I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by. "Legend" means, basically, "bullshit." Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg Slovotsky's Law Number Thirty-One: Get scared right away; avoid the rush. Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg ...the bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet it. Thucydides Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born! They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became heroes. ******************************************************************* LIFE/DEATH I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen A life without cause is a life without effect Barbarella Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive. Bugs Bunny I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill ...the fog is rising Emily Dickinson's last words Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Susan Ertz If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing pole. Doug Larson If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. Mickey Mantle In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. Kathy Norris Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive? Heidi Sandige When the Black Camel comes for me, I'm not going to go kicking and screaming- -I am, however, going to try to talk my way out of it. "No, no, you want the other Walter Slovotsky." Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg We who are about to die, are going to take one hell of a lot of the bastards with us. Karl Cullinane, _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. Lin Yutang May you live all the days of your life. What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life. Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right. Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded Death: to stop sinning suddenly. All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it. There are more dead people than living. And their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer. ******************************************************************* LOVE (See Sex) Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. Charlie Brown Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality Victor Frankel Love is a hole in the heart. Ben Hecht She's a very dominant woman; she walks on the ground I worship Dennis Miller Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. ******************************************************************* MARRIAGE/FAMILY (See Children/Youth) A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Joey Adams I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you. Edward Albee Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. F. M. Knowles When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. Thomas Paine Familiarity breeds contempt --- and children. Mark Twain By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. Charles Wadsworth Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked `petite' and hold on to the receipt. There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst. Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist. Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will. In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties. ******************************************************************* MIND (see Knowledge/wisdom) -Well, here's something to occupy you and keep your mind off things. -It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind. Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ There was never a genius without a tincture of madness. Aristotle 95% of this game is half mental. Yogi Berra Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" "Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." Lewis Carroll It is no longer my moral duty as a human being to achieve an integrated and unitary set of explanations for my thoughts and feelings. Bronwyn Davies Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. Thomas Dewar Just on the border of your waking mind, there lies another time, where darkness and light are one. And as you tread the halls of sanity, you feel so glad to be unable to go beyond. I have a message from another time..... ELO: "Prologue from the "Time" album -- Daicon IV Opening Animation A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Ralph Waldo Emerson George was a great dunce, but no matter for that: all men do not thrive in the world according to their learning. Henry Fielding That we can comprehend the little we know already is mindboggling in itself. Tom Gates Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am. Colonel Flagg, MASH Open your mind before you open your mouth. Fortune Cookie Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. Jules de Gaultier Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity. Remy De Gourmant Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid. Heinrich Heine Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. Oliver Wendell Holmes It's great to be young and insane. Michael Keaton, "Dream Team" The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more. Ed Parker Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. George Bernard Shaw It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. George Bernard Shaw The melancholy truth was that his glorious golden head had nothing in it. Cecil Woodham Smith The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. Some minds are like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you should have in mind. There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the real labor of thinking. If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as a man and then compare the relative brain size, we know find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it WAS! Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. When a stupid person is doing something it is ashamed of, it always declares that it is his job. ******************************************************************* MISC Miscellaneous is always the largest category. Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting. Marvin, _Life, the Universe, and Everything_ by Douglas Adams I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. Paul Beatty Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Get your cut throat off my knife Diane Diprima, _Nightmare Gallery_ Lif is too short Bart Gold Every once in a while a film comes along. This is such a film. Mad Magazine There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. Ambose Pierce Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. Karl Cullinane _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you can hang yourself with the cord. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. ...an eternity with Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death shall be a picnic compared to five minutes with me...and this pencil. Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius. All the sex and twice the violence... HARSH realm. I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading one, so I woke up from sheer boredom. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Eat a live frog, every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you all day. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. ******************************************************************* OPTIMISM/PESSIMISM Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. Ambrose Bierce Since I gave up hope I feel much better A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many optimists The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. ******************************************************************* PLEASURE When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation. Samuel Johnson There is no time like the pleasant. Pain past is pleasure. If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play for once! ******************************************************************* POLITICS/LAW The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments. William H. Borah Diplomacy --- the art of saying "Nice doggie" 'til you can find a stick. Wynn Catlin I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political statistic. Winston Churchill Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. Arthur C. Clarke The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. Alexander Haig We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but Congress can. Cullen Hightower The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. Abbie Hoffman Justice is incidental to law and order. J. Edgar Hoover I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. J. Edgar Hoover Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the people of this country choose a second rate president. Richard M. Nixon Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. Richard M. Nixon No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making other bastards die for their country. George Smith Patton I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. Will Rogers Our elections are free --- it's in the results where eventually we pay. Bill Stern A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader. Harry Truman No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Judge Gideon J. Tucker It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head George Wallace Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can. A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air. Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke. A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. This last Presidential election was something like the sex life of many people. They had to settle for what they could get. There is a certain inevitability to a couple of things. Death and taxes come to mind. However, death doesn't get worse every time the legislators come together. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on bugs. The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. A politician is an animal who can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. Pro is to con as progress is to Congres. English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation. He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made. Council for the defence was prepared to prove: 1) He shot in self defence, 2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100 miles away when it happened. Don't vote, it only encourages them. ******************************************************************* PROCRASTINATION By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. Ashleigh Brilliant The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up Nothing is really work unless you'd rather be doing something else ******************************************************************* RELIGION Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" An apology for the devil:it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books. Samuel Butler My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. Albert Einstein I could prove God statistically. George Gallup Who says I am not under the special protection of God? Adolf Hitler God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. Alfred Jarry In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him. "Aqualung" - Jethro Tull You don't fuck around with the infinite Mean Streets If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist Michael Patton I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. The churches must learn humility as well as teach it. A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. ******************************************************************* SCIENCE Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. Mike Adams Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. William Bragg Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. Goethe Scientists are the easiest to fool. They think in straight, predictable, directable, and therefore misdirectable, lines. The only world they know is the one where everything has a logical explanation and things are what they appear to be. Children and conjurors--they terrify me. Scientists are no problem; against them I feel quite confident. Zambendorf, _Code of the Lifemaker_ by James P. Hogan The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us. Paul Vale'ry, 1895 Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught. To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show that which is trivial, is trivially trivial. ******************************************************************* SELF Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours Richard Bach Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. Ashleigh Brilliant Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of lethargy steals over all the finer senses of the soul. Montaigne Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut Do, or do not. There is no try. Yoda ******************************************************************* SEX (see Love) Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. Joseph Fischer Slovotsky's Law number Twenty-Three: Trouble with you Jewish girls is that your desire to DO is in inverse proportion to your willingness to TALK about it. Walter Slovotsky, _The Sleeping Dragon_ by Joel Rosenberg I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now. Robin Williams Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!'. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics. The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good. Just because a dress is red satin doesn't mean it will come off easily. ******************************************************************* SEXIST For every dollar a man makes A woman makes 63 cents Now, fifty years ago that was 62 cents, So, with any kind of luck, it'll be the year 3,888 Before we make a buck Laurie Anderson Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination. Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson When God created men, she was only joking All men are created equal. All women are created superior. ******************************************************************* TIME There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson You can't make a baby in one month, even if you make nine women pregnant Some scientist ******************************************************************* TRUTH The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. Niels Bohr Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth. Ashleigh Brilliant It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away. Puzzling. Robert M. Pirsig I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell. Harry Truman Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it? Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children. Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to know how to lie well. Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. My way of joking is to tell the truth; it's the funniest joke in the world. Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. ******************************************************************* UNIVERSE There is a theory that state: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizzarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened..." Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. Chang-tzu The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. Albert Einstein The chess board is the world, the pieces are the phenomena of the universe, the rules of the game are what we call the laws of Nature. The player on the other side is hidden from us. We know that his play is always fair, just and patient. But we also know, to our cost, that he never overlooks a mistake, or makes the smallest allowance for ignorance. Thomas Henry Huxley The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. H. P. Lovecraft When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. John Muir (1838-1914) When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you Friedrich Nietzche Reality is good for you...in small doses. The universe is laughing behind your back. It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. Natural laws have not pity. ******************************************************************* WOMEN You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which is why God invented dental floss. Susanne Kollrack A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. Hell hath no fury like a woman beaten out of a million dollars. ******************************************************************* WORDS Aischbedellazouchecastleabbe -title of song (Ash forest by the bridge next to the Castle Abbe) Artiformologicalintactitudinarianisminist -one who studies 4-5 letter latin prefixes and suffixes Humahumanukanukaapua'a -the state fish of Hawaii (Reef Trigger Fish) Kardivilliwarrakurrakurrieapparlandoo -name of a lake in Northern Australia Regnant populi. (The people rule.) Pregnant ropuli. (The snake will soon lay eggs.) ******************************************************************* UNCATEGORIZED ...If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression. If you're walking on thin ice, you might was well dance. A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming. Barbarella Of, excuse me, I though I was someone else for a moment Three may keep a secret, if two are dead Benjamin Franklin Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing George Bernard Shaw Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it. Tenderness is the repose of Passion. Joseph Joubert A bore is a person who talks so much about itself that you can't talk about yourself. He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith. Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there. About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. Nothing succeeds like -- failure. Every person is wrong until they cry, and then they are right, instantly. Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. I do desire we may be better strangers. Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. I have the most perfect confidence in your indiscretion. Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution. There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation W. C. Fields There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order to things. N. Machiavelli I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later. Miles Davis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but that's the way to bet. Damon Runyon If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. Ashleigh Brilliant I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. Ashleigh Brilliant Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. Ashleigh Brilliant To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. Ashleigh Brilliant If A equals success, then the formula is: A= X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. Albert Einstein It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. Graffiti Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it Gordon R. Dickson I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand as in what direction we are moving; To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it--but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor. Oliver Wendell Holmes Man tends to root for the underdog, because he fears that he will find himself in that same position far too often. Michael S. Rosenberg There just isn't any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying. Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. D. J. Hicks To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable. The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy. Ancient Chinese Warlord Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. Ashleigh Brilliant Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. James F. Byrnes Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity. Charles G. Dawes Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. Dandemis Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the picture. This is why there are so few masters. Jean Toomer Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be. Charles Brower No one ever listened himself out of a job. Calvin Coolidge A signature always reveals a man's character--and sometimes even his name. Evan Esar Some people march to a different drummer--and some people polka. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were. Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!! I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. Ashleigh Brilliant Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is. Ashleigh Brilliant In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or there is just one of it where there should be two. Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition! People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as rumor! The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do for an encore. We have deep depth. Yogi Berra We made too many wrong mistakes. Yogi Berra All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't hittin'. Casey Stengel When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain Expressing anger is a form of public littering. Willard Gaylin You can observe a lot by just watching. Yogi Berra In Mexico we have a word for sushi -- bait. Jose Simon If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. Paul Harvey News, 1979 A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose. Farmers Almanac Hypocrisy is the lubricant of society. David Hull