H.A.N.D! Have A Nice Day! January, 1997 - Issue 16 :-) "Stolen Painting Found by Tree!" . Three slightly deaf old men met on the street one day. "Windy, isn't it?" said one. "No, Thursday," said the second. "Ah, so am I," said the third. "Let's all go and have a cup of coffee." . Two truck-drivers were driving along a winding highway late one night when they approached a tunnel which had a sign saying, "CLEARANCE 3.1 METERS." The first says, "Okay, we'll have to turn the truck around, 'cause it's four meters high," and the second replies, "Look. It's the middle of the night and there are no cops around; I say we go for it!" . A lady driving on Highway 89 was racing along when a policeman stopped her. "Madam, why were you going so fast?" "Well," the lady replied, "I saw the sign back there that said '89', and I was just going the speed limit." The cop sighed. "It's a good thing I caught you before you got to Highway 201." . Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens? Student: He gets stepped on. . John: I don't know what to buy - a cow or a bicycle. Peter: Well, you'll look silly riding a cow. John: I'll look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle. . When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright . Doctor: Face the window, would you? Now stick out your tongue. Patient: But - Why am I facing the window? Doctor: Because I don't like the man next door. . A man was walking along the beach during high tide and decided he wanted a bucket of salt water. As a joke, the lifeguard charged him a quarter. Returning at low tide, the man remarked to the lifeguard, "Boy, you sure must have had good business today!" . A criminal is on the electric chair and starts to get the hiccups while the warden prepares to pull the switch. The warden asks, "Do you have any last requests?" The criminal replies, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?" . Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me." . Aunt Billie is an excellent flight attendant but sometimes isn't good at making the passengers feel at ease - for example, one time the airplane in front of hers blew a tire while landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. Her plane had to hold off landing while trucks came out to clean up the mess. Her announcement to the passengers was: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there." . After my first son was born, I spent several sleepless nights with a crying child who had his days and nights mixed up. Once, feeling frustrated at one o'clock in the morning, I called my mother and asked, "Mom, don't kids ever learn to sleep all night?" "Obviously not!" she replied. . A miserly millionaire called a family meeting. "I'm placing a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it no one touches it until it's my time to go." His family respected his wishes and soon after his death the millionaire's wife looked in the attic. The box was still there. "The fool!" she said to herself. "I told him he should have put it in the basement." . Uncle Bob's Wise Words * Sign on my office door: "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep. * As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. . Customer: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my ice-cream? Waiter: Looks like he's learning to ski. . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions * Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast? * If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight? * If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? * Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? * Why do men's bicycles have crossbars? . Uncle Bob had a really big sheep farm. Really big. When asked how many sheep he owned, he replied, "I really don't know. Every time I try to count them I fall asleep." . The new minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant. "I am 97 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one. "That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly. "Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all." . A corporate investor told a story about a man who willed his wife all his worldly possessions - provided that after his death she immediately remarry. "I want to be certain," he explained, "That at least one man will mourn my passing." . A man who liked to play practical jokes sent his friend a collect telegram that read, "I am feeling fine." About a week later our joker received a very heavy package on which he was required to pay the postage. Opening it, he found a big block of concrete and a note reading: "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind." . Cousin Baby Boomer's 100% irrelevant fact of the month There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. . Easy ways to confuse Santa Claus * Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. * While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. * Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. * While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. * Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! * Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." * Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. * Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. * While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. * Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Oh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. * Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. * Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." * While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on. * Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says, "Man-eating Tree - Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your arms angrily and chase him back up the chimney. * Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa comes down the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell him to get out of your lane. [HAND! Information] Back to the HAND! Home Page