Aspects of smurfs.... Andrew Lloyd Webber, prolific composer of hits such as Phantom of the Opera, Cats, and Sunset Boulevard, recently revealed his newest project, Aspects of Smurfs. Unable to think up any new melodies, he has done what he has been doing for the past ten years--recycling old melodies and hiring amateurs to write new lyrics for them. The result is an odd blend of melodies old and new, celebrating the heroes of early eighties Saturday mornings--the Smurfs. Here are excerpts from the Tony bound musical. Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber Lyrics by Michael Pine, Michael Yee (meyee@ucdavis.edu), David Yeh, and Noteables Parodies, Ltd. The Cast Character Costume Papa Smurf beard Smurfette blond hair Brainy Smurf glasses Handy Smurf pencil in ear, notebook and square-T Hefty Smurf weights Vanity mirror Greedy Smurf baker's hat, and cupcakes Jokey Smurf "presents" Grouchy Smurf frown Other Smurfs: Farmer, Painter, Tailor, Sassette, etc. Gargamel hat, net Azreal whiskers Narrator Musical Numbers Intro Narrator Jokey Smurf Smurfs Vanity Vanity Gargamel's Dream Gargamel All I Smurf of You Smurfette, Greedy, Handy, Grouchy, Poet The Wizard in Our Village Gargamel, Azrael, Smurfs Papa Smurf Superstar Papa, Smurfs Interlude Narrator, Smurfs Smurf Changes Everything Smurfs NARRATOR Hidden deep in a forest one time Known by no one except NBC Little creatures lived in Smurfland Happy and blue and most of all free Smurfland! Little blue Smurfs Depended on mushrooms to make their homes Smurfland! Little blue Smurfs Built a great kingdom that rivalled Rome's Seeking the Smurfs was the evil man Gargamel His tawny orange cat's name was Azrael Endless tricks they tried to use to capture the Smurfs But most of time they just tripped and fell Smurfland! Little blue Smurfs Just three apples high but a whole lot of punch Smurfland! Little blue Smurfs Wouldn't Gargamel like to have them for lunch? Papa was the leader of the Smurfs of Smurfland With Vanity and Brainy boring the rest Greedy liked to eat and Jokey liked to build bombs Clumsy couldn't pass the simplest test Smurfland! Little blue Smurfs Hefty, and Handy and many more guys Smurfland! Little blue Smurfs Smurfette, the one with gorgeous blue eyes Smurfland! Little blue Smurfs Smurfland! Little blue Smurfs Little...little...little...little blue Smurfs! (Tra la la to "Masquerade") (Jokey emerges with his "presents") Jokey Smurf ("Skimbleshanks") SMURFS When Vanity would get a gift, It would give us all a lift To see it blow up in his face. It was Jokey, good old Jokey, Though his pranks are kinda hokey, He's a Smurf we can't replace. When Handy's mill burned down, It was all around town, Who had done it the next day It was Jokey, good old Jokey, Though his bombs are rather smoky, Still we love him anyway. When Greedy baked a pie That blew up in his eye, We could all hear him exclaim GREEDY Jokey, damn you Jokey JOKEY If he caught me, he would choke me, But I always get away SMURFS Jokey Smurf, Jokey Smurf, the Smurf who's a real big pain. (Tra la la to "Sunset Boulevard") (Vanity appears, with mirror) Vanity ("Memory") VANITY Vanity, now you're back in my mirror I can see my reflection, I am happy again Mother Nature has bestowed such beauty upon me Vanity, you look stunning my friend. See me, it's so pleasant to see me You can do it so easily, how I wish I were you Some say beauty is far more than what's only skin deep As for me, I don't believe that is true. (Gargamel's Castle. Gargamel appears with Azrael) Gargamel's Dream ("Pilate's Dream") GARGAMEL I dreamed I met a hundred Smurflings All plump to my delight I saw they had that perfect shade of blue Just right for making stew. We ran with haste into their village They didn't have a clue And now it was too late for them to run At last I'd finally won. They scattered left and right and panicked for their lives I placed them in my sack--with endless joy I laughed Then turned to head on back Then I saw there were a couple Whom I hadn't knabbed Their leader pulled an object from his beard My Smurfs all disappered. (Tra la la to "Jellicle Cats") (Handy, Greedy, Poet, Grouch appear, following Smurfette) All I Smurf of You ("All I Ask of You") HANDY Let me build your shelter GREEDY Let me bake your pie GROUCHY This is too cheery stop it POET Let me write you a sonnet SMURFETTE (To Greedy) I could use some dinner (To Poet) I would love your poems (To Grouchy) Go find yourself a smile (To Handy) I'd like my floors retiled HANDY Spend each day in your new bedroom with me GREEDY Come and see my secret recipe POET Share each line with me, each verse, each couplet ALL Say that I'm the only Smurf you see Smurfette--that's all I Smurf of ye (you). (The romance is broken up by frantic screams and Smurfs running left and right, as Brainy returns with trouble) The Wizard in Our Village ("The Phantom of the Opera") BRAINY I have escaped his lair, and come right home You have my word I swear, I'm all alone HANDY Then who's that following, you right behind SMURFS Gargamel and Azreal are here, it's time to hide! GARGAMEL In all my fantasies, I always knew That gold would come to me from something blue AZRAEL And so I taste again, what I have craved ALL Gargamel and Azreal are here, no one is safe! SMURFS Is there is a wizard in our village? GARGAMEL Yes, I'm the wizard in your village! SMURFS Run! GARGAMEL Hahahahahahahaha (As Gargamel grabs Smurfs left and right and turns to leave, Papa appears and confronts Gargamel) Papa Smurf Superstar ("Jesus Christ Superstar") PAPA Gargamel you know that you will never prevail Every time you try to get our village you fail You won't even get a small piece of our tail You're futile efforts are a bore and frankly quite stale SMURFS If you try to stay he'll whip up a potion Our village will appear to move with no locomotion Help us Papa Smurf, help us Papa Smurf Save us from this man, save us from this man! Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf Get Gargamel off our precious turf Papa Smurf, Superstar Show to us how great you truly are Papa Smurf, cast your spell Make us unseen and our town as well Papa Smurf, Superstar Send him away to a place that's far... Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf Get Gargamel off our precious turf... (Papa whips out a charm, and the Smurfs and Smurfland disappear. Gargamel looks around confused, and lies on ground pouting) Interlude ("...And Joseph knew by this his brothers now were honest men...") NARRATOR And Gargamel saw yet another chance pass through his hands The Smurfs rejoiced that things at last were smurfy in their land SMURFS Papa, Papa, they are really gone! Papa Smurf now we can sing our song! Smurf Changes Everything ("Love Changes Everything") PAPA Smurf, Smurf changes everything: Tall as apples, skin that's blue. Smurf, Smurf changes everything: Boys are plenty, girls are few. Smurfs can outwit Gargamel, And that Azrael is history. Yes, Smurf, Smurf changes everything, Mushroom houses everywhere... It's a crying shame they took us off the air... SMURFETTE Smurf, Smurf changes everything, I am treated like a queen! BRAINY (with present from Jokey) Smurf, Smurf changes everything... (present blows up) JOKEY Like my presents: safe and clean! (giggle) VANITY Smurf, can make your mirror thrive, For I know that mine's contented... GREEDY Yes, Smurf, Smurf changes everything, How you fry and how you bake... PAPA Smurf will make your life seem like a piece of cake. GARGAMEL Why did I go back to catch them? AZRAEL (spoken) Gargie, it's all in the past... SMURFS Off we go to build that dam That's eluded us for years. Though we doubt we'll finish it, All our drive still perseveres. In our need we call upon Father Time and Mother Nature. Yes Smurf, Smurf changes everything, And the show is here to stay: Reruns are still playing here on "U.S.A." Nothing like a Smurf can ever change your day!!! CURTAIN!