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 \___/ \___/|_|\_\___| /_/   \_\_|  \___|_| |_|_| \_/ \___| Feb. 13, 1997

A collection of humerous stories and articles compiled by DaFedz

           vvv
          (o o)
+------o00-(_)-00o---------------------------------------------------------+
|                                                                          |
| Send me any jokes you would like to see added to this list!              |
|                                                                          |
| DaFedz@usa.net                                                           |
|                                                                          |
| P.S.: Some of the ones near the end are pretty gross!                    |
|                                                                          |
+------(_)----(_)----------------------------------------------------------+

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution.  I shall create a
'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created.  She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it.  She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
you happy.  Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.  She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire.  She will be
the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rules for bedroom golf:
1.  Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.  Normally one club
    and two (2) balls.
2.  Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
3.  Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.
4.  For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners
    are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.  Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any
    damage to the course.
6.  Unlike out door golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while
    keeping the balls out.
7.  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary 
    until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.  Failure to do
    so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
8.  It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
    arrival at the course.  The experienced player will normally take time to
    admire the entire course, with special attention being given to the well
    formed bunkers.
9.  Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or
    currently playing to the owner of the course being played.  Upset course
    owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
    scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
    time.  Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
    someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. 
    Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
    under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this 
    situation.  More advanced players will find alternate means of play when
    this is the case.  Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along,
    just in case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
    attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at
    a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
    same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a
    given course.  Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, 
    and the rules are subject to change.  For this reason many players prefer
    to continue to play several different courses.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BMW		Babbling Mechanical Wench
BMW		Beastly Monsterous Wonder
BMW		Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels
BMW		Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
BMW		Big Money Waste
BMW		Big Money Works
BMW		Blastphemous Motorized Wreck
BMW		Born Moderately Wealthy.
BMW		Break My Windows
BMW		Broken Money Waster
BMW		Broken Monsterous Wonder
BMW		Brutal Money Waster
BMW		Bumbling Mechanical Wretch

Buick		Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Buick		Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Buick		Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer

Chevy		Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.
Chevy		Charged Heavily
Chevy		Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

Dodge		Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dodge		Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

Fiat		F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.
Fiat		Failure in Automotive Technology
Fiat		Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fiat		Fix It Again Tony?

Ford		F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
Ford		F**ker Only Runs Downhill
Ford		F*cked on Race Day
Ford		First On Recall Day 
Ford		First on race day
Ford		Fix Or Repair Daily
Ford		Found on road dead
Ford		Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's

GMC		Garage Man's Companion
GMC		Generally Mediocre Cars
GMC		Get More Chicks
GMC		Got More Crap

Mopar		Most Often Passed At Races
Mopar		Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mopar		Mostly Old Paint And Rust

Plymouth	Please Let Your Mother Out <from> Under The Hood!
Plymouth	Pussy Lips <in> Your MOUTH

Pontiac		Poor old nut thinks it's a Cadillac

SAAB		Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies
SAAB		Such an arrogant bastard!
SAAB		Swedish Automobile - Always Broken

Toyota		Too Often Yankes Overprice This Auto
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. 
These reports were submitted when policy-holders were asked for a brief 
statement describing their particular accident. Consider some of these
explanations when next filling out an insurance claim.

"The other car collided with mine without giving a warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down but it was up when i put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before 
I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over 
the embarkment."

"The accident occur when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by 
steering it into the other vehicle."

"I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it 
was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several 
times before."

"I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end touble when my universial 
joint gave away, causing me to have an accident."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a 
place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop 
in time to avoid the accident."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out 
of its path when it struck my front end."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I stuck the pedestrain."

<This one get's the silver!>

"my car was legally parked as it bucked into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and 
crashed into the other car."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so i ran over him."

<second place! gosh.>

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the 
hood of my car."

<GOLD: wow, where u find such a person?>

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I 
don't have."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with 
a big mouth."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?
    
  Plato:
    For the greater good.
     
     Karl Marx:
     It was a historical inevitability.
     
     Thomas de Torquemada:
     Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. 
     
     Timothy Leary:
     Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. 
     
     Douglas Adams:
     Forty-two.
     
     Nietzsche:
     Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
     across you. 
     
     Oliver North:
     National Security was at stake.
     
     Carl Jung:
     The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
     that individual chickens cross  roads at this historical juncture,
     and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
     
     Jean-Paul Sartre:
     In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken
     found it necessary to cross the road.
     
     Ludwig Wittgenstein:
     The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken"
     and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the
     actualization of this potential  occurrence.
     
     Albert Einstein:
     Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
     depends upon your frame of reference.
     
     Aristotle:
     To actualize its potential.
     
     Buddha:
     If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. 
     
     Salvador Dali:
     The Fish.
     
     Darwin:
     It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. 
     
     Emily Dickinson:
     Because it could not stop for death. 
     
     Epicurus:
     For fun.
     
     Ralph Waldo Emerson:
     It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. 
     
     Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
     The eternal hen-principle made it do it. 
     
     Ernest Hemingway:
     To die. In the rain.
     
     Werner Heisenberg:
     We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it
     was moving very fast.
     
     David Hume:
     Out of custom and habit.
     
     Saddam Hussein:
     This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
     in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
     
     Jack Nicholson:
     'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. 
     
     Pyrrho the Skeptic:
     What road?
     
     Ronald Reagan:
     I forget.
     
     John Sununu:
     The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
     so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
     
     The Sphinx:
     You tell me.
     
     Henry David Thoreau:
     To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. 
     
     Mark Twain:
     The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. 
     
     Stephen Jay Gould:
     It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it,
     but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories
     despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics
     of  behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific
     behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
     
     Joseph Stalin:
     I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omlette. 
     
     Captain James T. Kirk:
     To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. 
     
     Machiavelli:
     So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which
     has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with
     fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a
     paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's
     dominion maintained. 
     
     Hippocrates:
     Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. 
     
     Coopers & Lybrand Consultant:
     Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
     dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
     challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
     newly competitive market. Coopers & Lybrand Consulting, in a partnering
     relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
     physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the
     Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Coopers helped the chicken use its
     skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the
     chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall
     strategy within a Program Management framework. Coopers & Lybrand
     Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and
     best chickens along with Coopers consultants with deep skills in the
     transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in
     order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and
     explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to
     achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting
     and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum
     of poultry cross-median processes.  The meeting was held in a park like
     setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
     strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,
     clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's
     mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation
     of a total business inte gration solution. Coopers & Lybrand Consulting
     helped the chicken change to become more successful.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

    Sometimes the word arrangement in church bulletins produces hilarious
reading.  Below are some examples.  All are authentic, taken directly from
announcements made in churches.
 
 1.  This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of
     this church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.
 
 2.  Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies
     giving milk, please come early.
 
 3.  Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet.  Mrs. Johnson will
     sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
 
 4.  Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
     Club.  All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor
     in his study.
 
 5.  The service today will end with "Little Drops of Water."  One of the men
     will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
 
 6.  This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay
     an egg on the alter.
 
 7.  The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they
     can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
 
 8.  On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of
     the new carpet.  All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come
     forward and get a piece of paper.
 
 9.  Tonight's sermon:  "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir
     practice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal
computer-related duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts during busy
times.

I've built up a pretty long list of humorous things that occasionally occur;
unintentional (or intentional) double-entendres, witnesses (and lawyers) not
paying attention to what they're really saying, and so forth.

Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the office) have
run across.

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***

Q: I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
A: Forty-three. That's okay. You're nosy enough. You might as well put that
in.

Q: Did she appear to be in any pain? In other words, just looking at her,
did she look like she was hurting?
A: She's so ugly it looks like she hurts all the time.

ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a question impossible to answer; outside
this person's expertise; and I don't know what it means.

DEF ATT: I object to that as being an improper question and this man cannot
answer the question.
PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

Q: What happened in that accident?
A: I was going around the corner and it was wet and rainy outside, and I
kind of slid down an embankment and went into some bushes.
Q: Were the police called out to that?
A: A state trooper came out. And he gave me a careless driving ticket
because he told me he had to give me a ticket. I didn't fight it, because it
was my word against the bushes, I guess you could say.

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here is --
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why don't you let her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask --
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I don't know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: What's your question?

Q: Dr. Smith, how are you --
A: Just fine.
Q: Pardon?
A: Just fine. I'm ready to go.
Q: Okay. Great. How are you employed?

A: You've got to figure I'm a pretty conservative lady. This is the first
concert I had ever been to.
Q: Of any kind?
A: Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry Lee Lewis when I was 16 years
old.
Q: There was no shooting at that concert, was there?
A: No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but no shooting.

Q: What was your attorney's name?
A: It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what I'm getting --
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that Mr. Smith is not hanging out the
window.
THE WITNESS: I don't know. Knowing John, he could be.

Q: Is that the only license you hold?
A: I have a marriage license.
Q: You're not a realtor or a plumber or anything else like that?
A: No. They don't require a license to have children, which they should.

A: Well, I have never heard of anything like that, but I suppose any help at
the time would have been a help.

Q: And the serratus anterior nerve that -- or the nerves that go to it,
where do they come from?
A: The neck, the cervical region.
Q: From the cervical region?
A: Yes.
Q: And did you do any examination of his cervical -- of his cervix -- to
determine if there was any problem with his nerves going through his neck?
A: He doesn't have a cervix, but, yes, I examined the biceps.

Q: How long have you been married to her?
A: Nineteen years.
Q: Is that your only marriage?
A: Yes, it is, that I know of.

Q: Do you recall discussing with John Smith that if you were in a deposition
or anything like that and you don't want to give the right answer, all you
have to say is, "I don't know. I don't recall"?
A: No. I don't remember.

Q: No one went with you from Foobar to assist you. Correct?
A: It seems to me -- not from Foobar. Like I said, it was a long time ago. I
mean, my memory is as short as my peter.

A: Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes checks his own activities.
Suicidal and homicidal ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days, particularly following
contact with his attorney.

Q: Do you recall if you had any alcohol or anything to drink prior to the
concert?
A: Yes, I did.
Q: What did you have, if you remember?
A: I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
Q: You ought to have a doctor look at that. Just kidding.

Q: Do you consider him to be competent in that area?
A: I don't know. I don't have any basis to remark about the competency of
his engineering. I do know he's dead.

A: There are very few production places in North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there are very few places in North Dakota.

Q: And where does sandblasting fit in your scale of being a prestigious job?
Do you think that's a prestigious job?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Okay. More so than working in a factory, I guess.
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Everybody's entitled to their opinion, I guess. I don't know. Maybe
you're right.
MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
MR. JONES: Because everybody does that.
MR. SMITH: Yeah.

MR. SMITH: If I could just have a one-minute break sometime, whenever you
feel you're --
MR. JONES: This is a good time.
(Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

Q: Do you have any reason to believe that the decision to have Mr. Jones,
Mr. Brown and yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion of the EMS
products listed in group 3 and 4 of Exhibit -- of the December 5 chart was
made or --
MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and maybe I can try and figure out what I
wanted to ask.

Q: Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at
some point --
A: Yes.
Q: -- prior to his death?

Q: And what is it about that particular night that you recall that you
didn't eat at the Holiday Inn?
A: What is it that I remember that I didn't eat?

Q: What was Linda drinking, if anything?
A: She was drinking one of them -- one of them lady drinks. I don't know
what it was.
Q: She had about the same as you?
A: No. Huh-uh. She doesn't drink much. She'll just have one drink, and
she'll suck on it all night long.

Q: Next time you saw him?
A: August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils -- no, I'm sorry, checked testicle. Must
be mother asking. But I didn't find anything wrong with testicle. On the
contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

Q: And Detroit Murphy -- what is that? Is that a school or --
A: It's Mercy, not Murphy.
Q: Oh, Mercy?
A: I'm sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q: Oh, I'm sorry. Mercy.
A: Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like through the Jesuit
priests program. They do things with young boys.

MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir, to identify what I am going to have marked
as Defendant's Exhibit No. 1.
MR. JONES: Okay.
(Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
A: He has nice big ones.
MR. JONES: I have got the same ones, and I had them blown.

Q: Could you please, in your own words, desribe where you're touching on
your body?
A: Right here.
Q: All right. Now, where is "right here"?
A: Right here.
Q: Is that your leg?
A: No, sir. My leg is here. That's my stomach. I got two stomachs right
here. But he was --
Q: All right. You have two stomachs.

Q: Why do you handle the family finances?
A: Because my mom and sister ain't that bright.

Q: Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff during the fishing trip
after the accident and the times you had been with him before?
A: Yes.
Q: Can you tell the jury about that? A: After a long period of time holding
his rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period of time.

Q: How far apart are the rungs on the ladder?
A: They're usually about 12 inches to a foot.

Q: What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal Wear?
A: I was a presser.
Q: Who was your boss there?
A: I forget his name. He's the owner.
MR. SMITH: Johnson.
A: Yeah. It's a father-and-son operation.

Q: You don't have any intention of dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do
you?
A: No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her, and other times you want to hug her
up and kiss her nose.

A: Mr. Jones and I had had a disagreement, the exact nature of which I don't
remember, but it was over some aspect of my work that he wanted me to
perform in a manner different than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
Jones's -- excuse my language coming up -- Mr. Jones said, "If you fuck with
me, I'll kill you."
Q: When he said, "If you fuck with me, I'll kill you," how did you interpret
that?

Q: Has anybody else ever threatened to kill you?
A: No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once, but I don't think he threatened
to use it.
Q: Was that in an employment contact or not?
A: No. It was a social contact.

Q: Is there a difference between a reconditioned and rebuilt piece of
equipment in your mind, if you have one?

Q: So the first thing that you heard was the one that you overheard with Mr.
Jones stating that he didn't want any women in his department. And then
second time when you were in this exact conversation would have been after
the first time?

Q: Have you tried any type of rehabilitation or work retraining?
A: No. No, sir.
Q: Why not?
A: Because I ain't too bright.

Q: And, Doctor, are you a member of the profession? Correct?
A: What profession?
Q: The medical profession.
A: Oh, yes, sir.
Q: And what profession are you a member of?
A: The medical profession.

Q: I would like you to turn to the next page, dated June 9, 1993.
A: Yes.
Q: Do you recall this incident occurring?
A: Yes. The night before that I had eaten at Beachcomber's Restaurant. And I
had crab. And I had vomited in the --
Q: I assure you on this question a simple "Yes" or "No" will do.

Q: Anything else you like to do a lot?
A: Look out the window.
Q: Have you got a good view?
A: No.
Q: You just like to look out there?
A: Yeah.
Q: What can you see from your window?
A: The apartments in front of us.
Q: I guess there's usually a lot of activity out there.
A: Not no more.
Q: How come?
A: The drug dealer moved away.

Q: Okay. Did it become a shouting match at any time?
A: Uh-huh.
Q: It did?
A: A big one.
Q: And what was the net result?
A: I left, was the result. I left. I basically told him that I didn't care
how big his dick was.
Q: How did that comment come up?
A: It just came out.
Q: Okay. Why did you make that comment? Does he talk about, you know, his
penis a lot?
A: Yeah, he always talks about his penis. He thinks it's the greatest thing
that ever walked on earth.

Q: And what was the reason given to you for the fact you were let go?
A: The reason given to me was garnishing a knife and arguing with the
supervisor.

Q: Is the south boundary of the north half of the southeast quarter of the
northwest quarter the same line as the north boundary of the south half of
the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter?

Q: Do you currently have normal bowel movements?
A: No.
Q: In what way have they changed?
A: I have a lot more gas that I -- I fart a lot more; and when I do, they're
much stronger than the normal person. Isn't that true, Jane? I know it's not
funny, but it's true.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
	Genesis - The Cybernetic Age

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero;
nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to a 1, and the Universe was.
(In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low"
signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read
the bit.  This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0.
And the universe wasn't.  God learned the importance of backups
and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first
all-nighter) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord!  If you exist, give
me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than
the original prototype.  Those in Universe Marketing immediately
realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a
grand and glorious creation.  And so it was dubbed the Most
Significant Bit, or the Sign bit.  Many bits followed, but only
one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and
'logical shift' instructions.  And the original bit discovered
that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become
the Most Significant Bit.  And God realized the importance of
computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0
of the ALU, with wonderful new features, and said "Screw that
add and shift stuff.  Go forth and multiply."  And God saw that
it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented
pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk,
restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and
propagation delays.  Historians have used this to convincingly
argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced DOS into
the Universe,
and it hasn't worked right since.
and it hasn't worked right since.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"One day, an economist was walking across a huge parking lot. Out of the 
corner of he eye, she spied a ten dollar ill. She stooped down to pick it 
up, but then stopped herself. Scratching her head, she muttered to herself, 
'Oh no, the probability of my finding a ten dollar bill in this parking lot 
is too small!' As the economist walked off, she was soon followed by an 
ecologist. He saw the ten dollar bill and also stopped to pick it up. But in 
turning it over, he noticed some condensation, a little moss and some tiny 
organisms underneath the bill. 'My goodness!', he exclaimed. 'There is a 
whole ecosystem under here!' The ecologist soon became lost in observation 
so that he failed to notice the ten dollar ill blowing away. The bill soon 
blew across the path of an environmentalist. He saw the ten dollars and 
picked it up. 'Tsk, tsk!' he proclaimed to himself. 'The amount of litter in 
this car park is shameful!' And so he threw the ten dollar bill away in the 
nearest waste basket."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for 
saying exactly the opposite thing.
______________________________________________________________________ 

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. 

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two 
equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, 
exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and 
says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question 
"What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - 
give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question 
"What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, 
closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you 
want it to equal?"
______________________________________________________________________ 

Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The 
first econometrician fired, but missed, by a metre to the left. The 
second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a metre to the right. 
The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! 
We got it!"
 ______________________________________________________________________ 

Three economists and three mathematicians were going on a trip by train. 
Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets (they could count 
to three) and the economists only one. The mathematicians were happy 
because they thought their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. 
Hovewer when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three 
economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that 
somebody was in the bathroom, knocked on the door and in reply saw a hand 
with the ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket 
price. The next day the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy - 
they bought only one ticket, but the economists did not buy any tickets 
at all.  When the mathematicians saw the conductor they went to the 
bathroom, and when they heard knocking they stuck out a hand with the 
ticket. They did not get it back. Why? The economists took it and went to 
the other toilet.

______________________________________________________________________ 

Q: Why did God create economists ?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. 

[There's no hope for seismologists...]
______________________________________________________________________ 

Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern 
Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was, 
remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring 
ONE  moose back.

But of course, they killed one each and come Sunday, they talked the 
pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after 
takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the 
economists woke up, looked around and said. where the hell are we. Oh, 
just about a hundred yards east of the place where we crashed last year.
______________________________________________________________________ 

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
______________________________________________________________________ 

An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were were 
arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, 
"Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the 
principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist 
"Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly 
he was a biologist."  "Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he 
created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only 
complete confusion and chaos!"  "Well," said the economist, "where do you 
think the chaos came from?"
______________________________________________________________________ 

"Murphys law of economic policy": Economists have the least influence on 
policy where they know the most and are most agreed; they have the most 
influence on policy where they know the least and disagree most 
vehemently. 

- Alan S. Blinder
______________________________________________________________________ 

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything 
is last year.

-Marty Allen
______________________________________________________________________ 

If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. 

-George Bernard Shaw
______________________________________________________________________ 

If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of 
them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions.

-Winston Churchill
______________________________________________________________________ 

A sure fire way to determine if someone is an economist: Ask the suspect 
"what's the difference between ignorance and indifference?" If the reply 
is  "I don't know and I don't care" you can be pretty sure he's an economist.
______________________________________________________________________ 

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a practical economist, and an old drunk are 
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred 
dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are 
mythological creatures.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The owner of a bar walked over to the stage and put a foot tall piano
and a five inch stool on the stage.  Then from the back rom cam out a
1 foot tall man who sat at the piano and atarted playing.

The people were amazed, they asked the man where he found the one foot
tall man.  He told them this story...

He was walking by an old trash dump when he mat an old bum who had a
magic lamp.  He rubbed the lamp and asked for a thousand drinks.
Immediately he was crushed by a thousand sinks falling on top of him.
The bar's owner quickly grabbed the lamp, determined to get a wish from
it.

He stopped here and let the people respond.  They complained that the
bum had asked for a thousand drinks, not sinks.

Yeah, said the bar owner, I didn't exactly wish for a FOOT LONG PIANIST
either!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how
many times she's been married, and the reply was 4.  'Four times!' exclaimed
the first girl, why so many?
     
So the other girl said:
   'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this
    wonderful man who was a banker.  However, one day just a few weeks after
    we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.'
     
'Oh my gosh, that's terrible'  the first girl said.
     
   'Well, it wasn't that tragic.  Soon after that, I started seeing another
    man who performed in the circus.  He was really a great guy, but he lived
    pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net.
    Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and
    suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was
    killed.'
     
'Your second husband was killed too?!!?  That's horrible!'
     
   'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister
    and we got married soon after that.  Unfortunately, one Sunday while he
    was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.'
     
'Three???  Three husbands of yours were killed?  How could you live through
 all that?'
     
   'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband.  And he's a
    wonderful man.  I think we'll live a long happy life together.'
     
'And what does your present husband do for a living?'
     
   'He's a mortician.'
     
'A mortician?  I don't understand something here.  First you marry a banker,
 then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician?  Why such a
 diverse grouping of husbands?'
     
   'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...
     
   One for the money...
   Two for the show...
   Three to get ready...
   And four to go!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Jokes about economists and economics
     
     I believe that even Adam Smith would enjoy these jokes...
     
     Heard at Boston University:
     
     Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd 
     and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 
     against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this 
     flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock, so he takes the 
     bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished because that is 
     exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man 
     picks one up and begins to walk away.
     
     "Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double 
     or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. 
     "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. 
     "Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how 
     did you deduce that?"
     
     "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."  
     _________________________________________________________________
     
     Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly, they 
     deviate from their course, and they have no idea where they are. So 
     they go down to 20 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer, "Could 
     you tell us where we are?"
     
     "You are in a balloon."
     
     So the one pilot says to the other:
     
     "The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be 
     an economist"
     
     "Then you must be businessmen," answers the man.
     
     "That's right! How did you know?"
     
     "You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know 
     where you are!"  
     _________________________________________________________________
     
     Light bulb jokes are always in. . .
     
     Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light 
     bulb?
     
     A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have 
     already done it.
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?
     
     A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to assume the existence of 
     ladders.
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light 
     bulb?
     
     A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
     
     A2: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw 
     itself in.
     
     The above light bulb jokes were stolen from an article in 
     _The_Wharton_Journal_, Feb. 21, 1994, by Selena Maranjian, who 
     undoubtedly pilfered the humor from someone else.
     
     Q: How many Boston M.A.'s does it take to change a light bulb?
     
     A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by 
     myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience 
     changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named to 
     the Boston Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for 
     Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive 
     about changing light bulbs in my spare time.
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     Q: How many E-school doctoral students does it take to change a light 
     bulb?
     
     A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer 
     for you in about 5 years.
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     Q:Why did God create economists?
     
     A:In order to make weather forecasters look good.
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects. 
     The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions 
     come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion." 
     The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars 
     don't have those."
     _________________________________________________________________
     
     A totalitarian head of state requested an economist with one arm to 
     advise the government. Why? Because he was tired of economists who 
     say: "Well, on one hand... But on the other hand..."
     _________________________________________________________________
     
     An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become 
     an accountant.
     _________________________________________________________________
     
     Q: What is a recent economics graduate's usual question in his first 
     job?
     
     A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?
     _________________________________________________________________
     
     A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.
     
     When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it. There, a 
     clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
     
     The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. 
     You'd better cut it into eight pieces."
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     Reproduced below is an Economist Joke that illustrates the separate 
     facilities solution to an externality problem.
     
     Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, 
     and an economist.
     
     They get behind a *very* slow twosome, who, despite a caddy, are 
     taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, 
     and so on. By the 8th hole, the three men are complaining loudly about 
     the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak. The priest says, "Holy 
     Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play 
     again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to 
     play golf slowly." The economist says, "I really didn't expect to 
     spend this much time playing a round of golf."
     
     By the 9th hole, they have had it with the slow play, so the 
     psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to 
     play through. The caddy says OK, but then explains that the two 
     golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their 
     eyesight saving people in a fire, that that explains their slow play, 
     and that would they please not swear and complain so loud.
     
     The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and 
     I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The 
     psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to 
     help others with their problems, and I've been complaining about the 
     slow play of two blind men."
     
     The economist ponders the situation. Finally, he goes back to the 
     caddy and says, "Listen, the next time, could they play at night?"
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with 
     nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, 
     "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Let's build 
     a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Let's assume that 
     we have a can-opener..."
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics 
     major?
     
     A: Opportunity Cost
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were 
     arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, 
     "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the 
     principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist. 
     "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things, so 
     clearly he was a biologist." "Wrong," said the architect. "Before 
     that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there 
     was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, 
     "where do you think the chaos came from?"
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an 
     equal and opposite economist.
     
     The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     If all the economists were laid end to end...
     
     a) it would be a good thing
     
     b) they would be more comfortable
     
     c) they would never reach a conclusion
     
     d) all of the above
     
     e) none of the above
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on 
     the sidewalk, and says so.
     
     "Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have 
     picked it up!"
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     We have 2 classes of forecasters: Those who don't know . . . and those 
     who don't know they don't know.
     
     - John Kenneth Galbraith
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     Murphy's law of economic policy: Economists have the least influence 
     on policy where they know the most and are most agreed; they have the 
     most influence on policy where they know the least and disagree most 
     vehemently.
     
     - Alan S. Blinder
     _________________________________________________________________
     
     Economists don't answer questions others make because they know what 
     the answer is. They answer because they are asked.
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     There is also a joke about the last May Day parade in the Soviet 
     Union. After the tanks and the troops and the planes and the missiles 
     rolled by, there came ten men dressed in black.
     
     "Are they spies?" asked Gorby.
     
     "They are economists," replied the KGB director. "Imagine the havoc 
     they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans."
       _________________________________________________________________
     
     The mathematician's child and the economist's child were in the third 
     grade together, and the teacher asked, "If one man with one shovel can 
     dig a ditch in ten days, how long would it take ten men with ten 
     shovels to dig the same ditch?" Both children raised their hands.
     
     The teacher said to the mathematician's child, "Johnny, how long?" 
     Little Johnny said, "One day, teacher."
     
     The teacher looked at the economist's child and said, "John Maynard, 
     is that right?"
     
     Little John Maynard said, "Teacher, it all depends..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Karl Marx dies and shows up at the gates of heaven to be met by
Saint Peter.

"Name?" asks Peter.
"Marx, Karl Marx." replies the famous author.
"Hmm," says Peter to himself, "why do I know that name?"
"I am Marx," Marx said, beaming with pride, "founder of socialism
and the driving force behind the communist ideal called Marxism."
"I see," Peter said.  "I'll have to check with God."

So Peter rushes off to confer with God.  God hears the name Marx
and immediately a look of disgust infects His face.  "Marx?" God
says, "He's nothing but a trouble maker.  Send him down to hell."

So Peter happily signs the appropriate forms and deports Karl Marx
to Satan's firy hell.

Some time later, a free trade agreement is forged between Heaven and Hell.
The deal is hailed by all to be a great economic leap forward that would
revitalize both struggling economies.  But soon after the treaty,
God realizes that Heaven is no longer receiving any products
from Hell.  So he sends Saint Peter down to investigate.

"Well?" asks Peter of Satan, "What's the hold up?  We have an agreement!"

Satan shrugs his shoulders, exasperated.  "It's that Marx fellow," Satan
replied.  "Ever since he got down here, all we've had are strikes and
labour demands.  Productivity has dropped to zero!"

"So?" Peter asks, "What would you have us do?"

"Take him back.  Take Marx back to Heaven, and I guarantee productivity
will sky rocket!"

So Peter agreed, on God's behalf, to accept Karl Marx back to Heaven.

Some time later Satan realizes that Hell has not received any orders
for product from Heaven.  In fact, very little communication at all
has leaked from Up Above.  So, concerned for the economic welfare
of Hell, he makes a trip to Heaven.

"Peter!  Peter, are you there?" Satan demands.

"Yes, what is it?" Peter answers.

"What's the hold up?  What about the flow of trade?"

"Oh I'm sorry," Peter said, "We have decided to adopt a Marxist
isolationist stance.  We are an intrinsic self-governed body that is
now based on the needs of the prolitariate.  It is our opinion that
this free trade agreement only benefits the bourgeois."

"What?!" Satan was furious.  "I demand to speak to God!"

Peter's eyebrow is raised in confusion.  "Who?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
PLEASE IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:


BOBBITT VIRUS:  Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches
it.  (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:  Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS:  Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're
getting.

MCI VIRUS:  Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS:  This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It
warns you of impending hard disk attack:
            Once, if by LAN; twice, if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:  Never identifies itself as a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS:  Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how young it is.  If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first
see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:  Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:  It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS:  Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS:  Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be
back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2):  Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, ewe jsut
cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:  Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:  Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS:  Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
of error).

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS:  Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS:  Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:  Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:  The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half
with the same message appearing on each side of the screen.  The message
says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS:  You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:  Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS:  Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS:  Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:  Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS:  Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS:  Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:  Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:  Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:  Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS:  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:  It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new
files!" on the screen.  It proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS:  Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS:  Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why God Would Never Receive Tenure:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
3. Some even doubt that he wrote it himself.
4. It may be true he created the world, but what has he done since then?
5. His cooperative efforts have been limited.
6. The scientific community has had a hard time reproducing his results.
7. He never applied to the Ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
8. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the
subjects.
9. When subjects didn't behave as expected, he deleted them from the sample.
10. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
11. Some say he had his son teach the class.
12. He expelled his first two students.
13. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
14. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountian top.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:  None, they just declare darkness the "Standard"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q & A form jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
    Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A:  It might be your bicycle.

----
Longer Jokes:
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
     those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
     voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Mechanic brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-----
     A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
     "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
     Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
     "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
     Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
     The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
     Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a 
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
-----
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were 
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where 
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.  The lawyer said, "I don't
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed 
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
----
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
-----
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
-----
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
----------
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a 
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, 
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-----
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
    "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
    "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
    "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
-----
    "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
    "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.  The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict.  When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
----------
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
----
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".  So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
----
     For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" 
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"

     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-----
     God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.

     When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
-----
     Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.
----------
     A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.

     "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

     "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."

     "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
     "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-----
   An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
   "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
-----
     At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
     "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
     "Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.  However,
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
----
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
----------
	It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.
	"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
	"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
	"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
	"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
	"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
	"What are you talking about?"
	"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
	"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
	"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
	"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
	"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
	"Why are you reading that to me?"
	"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
	"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
	"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
	"Then get me another doctor."
	"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
	"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
	"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
	"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
	"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
	"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
	"I better check you out first."
	"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
	"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
	"What for?"
	"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
	"I'm not going to sue you."
	"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
----------
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
--------
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
----------
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:	It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
        bulb.
A2:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
        looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
    The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
   2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
   3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
   NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
--------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
     **********************************************************************
     
     1300.01   GENERAL
     
      1.  Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
     harvest attorneys.
     
      2.  Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The
     use of currency as bait is prohibited.
     
      3.  Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If
     accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
     nearest car wash.
     
      4.  It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
     machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
     
      5.  It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
     Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
     
      6.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
     dealerships.
     
      7.  It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
     prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
     
      8.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
     courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
     ambulances, or hospitals.
     
      9.  If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
     felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
     
     10.  Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
     inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
     
     11.  It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
     reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
     victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
     attorneys.
     
     BAG LIMITS
     
      1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                     2
      2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                         1
      3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator               4
      4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)      3
      5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                           2
      6.  Honest Attorney                         EXTINCT
      7.  Cut-throat                                    2
      8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                          2
      9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                      2
     10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender        $100 BOUNTY
     11.  Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                 7

--------
Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, _The Ultimate
Lawyers Joke Book_. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).

------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet --------------------

				Ben Dover
				   And
			    C. Howlett Fields

			    Attorneys At Law

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  St. Peter looks in
his book and says,"Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
look on his face and replies, "Yes."   St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
----------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
to get back on your feet.
----------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
       in his own pockets.
----------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
----------------------------------------------------
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
----------------------------------------------------
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
----------
Legal business card:

	Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
	Attorneys at Law
----------
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

			...Benjamin Franklin.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                  The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
   
   
   Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four
   to relate to the experience.
    
   Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
   Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
    
   Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A1:None of your damn business!
   A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
    
   Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,One to write the 
   light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb 
   administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at 
   the same time.
    
   Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A1: One: One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
   A2: Four: One to change the bulb.
   A3: Wu.
    
   Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Billions and billions.
    
   Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good 
   the old light bulb was.
    
   Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with 
   brightly colored machine tools.
    
   Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
    
   Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation 
   specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
   
   Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
    
   Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
   A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
    
   Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one 
   of their subordinates to actually change it.
    
   Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, 
   Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the 
   pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the 
   definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank 
   characters separated by blanks".
    
   Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first 
   one.
   
   Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
   
   Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot 
   the witness.
   
   Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
    
   Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: None. That's a hardware problem.
    
   Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
   
   Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light 
   bulb?
   A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 
   of license fee.
   
   Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it 
   done.
   
   Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
   
   Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
   
   Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
   
   Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild 
   civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
   
   Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from 
   under him.
    
   Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Three, but they're really one.
   
   Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
   
   Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: That's not funny!
   
   Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
   
   Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw 
   itself in.
   
   Q: How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
   
   Q: How many strong students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
   
   Q: How many student gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
   
   Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: One.  He simply holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him.

   Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
   A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
   
   Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: None. It turned itself in.
   
   Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with 
   the old one for the next 10,000 years.
   
   Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: How many can you afford?
   
   Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
   
   Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
    
   Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
   
   Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
   
   Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
   
   Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
   
   Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
   
   Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a 
   surprising twist at the end.
   
   Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself 
   symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a 
   netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of 
   nothingness.
   
   Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Who says it's dark?
   
   Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
   
   Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
   
   Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to 
   change a light bulb?
   A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I 
   use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his 
   body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long 
   enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into 
   the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new 
   super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven 
   up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is 
   revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and 
   return to the United States.
   
   Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do 
   it.
   
   Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a 
   light bulb?
   A: Many hands make light work.
   
   Q:  How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb ?
   A:  6.  2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
       lit from the moment they began screwing.

   Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: Just one - he/she will decide when and if the light bulb
	gets changed.

   Q:  How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A:  That light bulb doesn't need to be changed.  We'll put some bells
       and whistles on it so you can still find your way around.  Sure,
       it's heavy, but most older sockets can support the weight.  And
       why haven't you bought a new heavy-duty socket by now, anyway?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     An economist and a real person are walking down
a street.  They see a ten dollar bill lying in the
gutter.  The real person says "let' pick it up."  The
economist says "don't bother, it must be counterfeit.
Otherwise someone would have already picked it up."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     A philosopher is someone who goes into a dark alley
at midnight looking for a black cat.  A theologian is
someone who goes into a dark alley at midnight looking
for a black cat that isn't there.  An economist is 
someone who goes into a dark alley at midnight looking
for a black cat that isn't there and shouting the whole
time, "I've got it, I've got it!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     An anthropologist studying cannibals goes into a
store for brains (to eat).  On the shelf she sees a jar
of physicists' brains for $1, a jar of janitors' brains
for $1, a jar of musicians' brains for $1, a jar of
doctors' brains for $1 and a jar of economists' brains 
for $25.  She goes to the manager and asks "why are the
economists' brains so expensive?"  The reply comes, "Do
you know how many economists you have to kill to get a
jar of brains?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  How many New Classical economists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?

A:  They don't want to try.  It would only lead to an increase
in prices.

Q:  How many efficient markets economists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?

A:  They won't due it because it is clear that if it were efficient
to do it, it would already have been screwed in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
       Dear Doctor Rude,

       I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you
       explain to me the difference between the following kisses?

              1. Aristotelian kiss
              2. Hegelian kiss
              3. Wittgensteinian kiss
              4. Godelian kiss

       Signed,
         Flummoxed in Florida


 Dear Flummoxed,

 That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
 secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed
 to the classics in this field any more.  I'll try to make a brief but clear
 summary of some of these important types of kisses:


 Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely
      from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data
      by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

 Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates
      its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

 Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is
      that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental
      representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which
      must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for
      obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even
      similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than
      the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make
      unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience
      thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

 Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet
      leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.


 Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other
 classic kisses:


 Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be
      the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however,
      compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander
      around a lot more and cover more ground.

 Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is
      performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't
      actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it
      the best kiss you've ever given or received.

 Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to
      transform you but ends up just bugging you.

 Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even
      though it really doesn't matter anyway.

 Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and
      tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even
      though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

 Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

 Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new
      and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear
      that others would find out about them and start using them.

 Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:
      "I think, therefore, I aim."  In general, a kiss does not count as
      Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt
      that one has been kissed.  (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded
      movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder
      overall.)

 Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the
      less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the
      more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted.  Extreme
      versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because
      the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if
      you were kissed or not.  Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,
      that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy
      them.

 Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
      stronger."

 Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

 Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who
      would not kiss him or her.

 Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.

 Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never
      actually touch.

 Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique
      that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it,
      especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the
      lips.


 Doctor Rude
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
===============================================================================
               THE OFFICAL UNOFFICAL RED DWARF QUOTES FILE v1.1
-compiled from submissions from alt.tv.red-dwarf readers, and mine own efforts.
-comments, quotes, etc (no flames please) to ROBINSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
===============================================================================

#NEEDS_CORRECTION
>From `Waiting For God':
Holly (quoting Capt. H.): "There's a saying amongst the officers; If
a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing,
give it to Rimmer!"
#1_1
>From `The End':
Holly: Well, she [Kochanski] won't be much use to you on Fiji now -- not
       unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
#1_1
>From `The End':
Lister: You see, I try and respect Rimmer, sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man
        by nature.  I try and respect him and everything, but it's not easy
        because he's such a smeghead.
Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
        penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
Todhunter: Oh, Rimmer, you are a smeghead.
#1_1
>From `The End':
Lister: You didn't have the right parents?  Whose parents did you have?
#1_1
>From `The End':
Petersen: Have you seen Rimmer's arm?
Chen:     No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!
#1_2
>From `Future Echoes':
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 -- the same
       I.Q. of 6000 P.E. teachers.
#1_2
>From `Future Echoes':
Rimmer: If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead,
        which one would you pick?
#1_2
>From `Future Echoes':
Rimmer: It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be
        was an event that could will have been taken place in the future.
#1_3
>From `Balance of Power':
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: I will!
#1_5
>From `Confidence and Paranoia':
Holly: Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going
       on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement.
#1_5
>From `Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: I killed him, cha cha cha.
Lister:     What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?
#1_5
>From `Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: Oxygen's for losers!
#1_5
>From `Confidence and Paranoia':
Cat: This is mine; that's mine [etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ...
     except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this
     is mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
     slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
     to see if I can't have sex with something!
#1_5
>From `Confidence and Paranoia':
Lister: Love is what separates us from animals
Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't use our
        tongues to clean our own genitals.
#1_6
>From `Me^2':
Lister: Ah, the Pop-Up Karma Sutra, Zero-Gravity Edition!  That's mine.
#1_6
>From `Me^2':
Holly:  Busy, Dave?
Lister: Well, yeah.  I am, actually.
Holly:  Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed
        fighters that are tracking us.
Lister: What?!
Holly:  I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.
Lister: No, Hol, come on, come on.
Holly:  They're from Earth.
Lister: Three million years away?
Holly:  They're from the NorWEB federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly:  The North Western Electricity Board.  They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me?  Why?  What for?
Holly:  For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what!
Holly:  It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you
        left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your
        kitchen.
Lister: Did I?
Holly:  You know what happens to sausages left unattended for
        three million years?
Lister: Yeah.  They go all mouldy.
Holly:  Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's
        surface.  Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a
        bank account.  Thanks to compound interest you now own
        ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since
        you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any
        money except for you and NorWEB.
Lister: Why NorWEB?
Holly:  You left a light on in the bathroom.  I've got a final demand
        here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds!  You're kidding!
Holly:  (wearing Groucho Marx disguise) April fool.
Lister: But it's not April.
Holly:  Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot
        jape like that under my belt.
#1_6
>From `Me^2':
(exiting a closet)
Cat: He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. (sees Lister,
     hides his face) "Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good look at his
     face? Could you spot him in a parade?"  I don't think so -- that could
     have been anybody!
#2_1
>From `Kryten':
(returns from getting tea, is told that the crew is dead)
Kryten: My god!  But I was only away two minutes!
#2_1
>From `Kryten':
Lister: No way are these my boxer shorts -- these bend!
#2_1
>From `Kryten':
Holly:  Nothing wrong with dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins;
        full of marrow-bone jelly!  Lasts longer than any other type of
        milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why's that?
Holly:  No bugger will drink it!
#2_1
>From `Kryten':
Lister: `Mr Arnold' isn't even his name.  His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead';
        or `Dinosaur breath'; or `Molecule Mind'.  And if you want to be
        really mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite --
        on those rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him
        `Arsehole'.
#2_1
>From `Kryten':
Rimmer: You? How did you get into art college?
Lister: The normal way you get into art college, the same old usual boring
        normal way you get in: I failed my exams and applied -- they snapped
        me up!
#2_2
>From `Better Than Life':
Cat: I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie;
     I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cause I like eating fish!
#2_2
>From `Better Than Life':
Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that lemon
        meringue pie, man -- what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!
#2_2
>From `Better Than Life':
Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly
        cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!
#2_2
>From `Better Than Life':
Cat:    My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Man, I just
        /have/ to eat!
Lister: Rimmer's dad has died.
Cat:    Well, I'd prefer chicken.
#2_2
>From `Better Than Life':
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to tell you...
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say...
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead!
Rimmer:                 What?!  This isn't my fantasy!
Cat:                    No -- it's mine.
#2_3
>From `Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: How about: breaking your leg hurts like hell, right?  `Hel'.  They
        do it beLOW the knee -- lo -- `Hello'; get it?  They do it twice --
        two -- `Hello to', and the jigsaw must mean `you': `Hello to you'!
Cat:    I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a
        speech!
#2_3
>From `Thanks for the Memory':
Holly: Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!
#2_4
>From `Stasis Leak':
Holly: It's better to have loved and to have lost than to listen to an album
       by Olivia Newton-John.
Cat:   Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
#2_4
>From `Stasis Leak':
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand
                still.  So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
                whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal
                laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         It's a hole back into the past.
Cat:            Oh, a magic door!  Well, why didn't you say?
#2_4
>From `Stasis Leak':
Holly: I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81.  People said, "No, Holly,
       she's not for you."  She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't
       load -- well, not for me, anyway.
#2_5
>From `Queeg':
Holly: Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness.
       The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is
       the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
#2_5
>From `Queeg':
Rimmer: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
#2_5
>From `Queeg':
Lister: Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?
Holly:  Yes, connect it to the blue cable.
--- Lister electrocuted ---
Holly:  ...or was that the yellow cable? Yes, it should have been the
        yellow cable.
#2_5
>From `Queeg':
Lister: I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school
        summer camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to hers, right.
        And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird
        noise.  /She/ didn't think men were better than machines.
#2_5
>From `Queeg':
Cat:    Look at my hands! I had lovely hands!
Lister: Well, wear the smegging gloves!
Cat:    Marigold with blue? Are you crazy?
#2_5
>From `Queeg':
Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast.  One pea.
        I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.  (goes to squish the pea;
        it snaps away) I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked.
Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
Lister: Is he?  Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea.
        Where is it?  I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff,
        if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where
        it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter
        what!
Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty-sock basket.
Lister: I'll just have the toast.
#2_5
>From `Queeg':
Cat:   If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern
       emerging: Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to
       Holly).
Holly: (winks back) Thanks, Cat.
#2_5
>From `Queeg':
Holly:  We are talking Jape of the Decade. We are talking April, May, June,
        July, and August, fool.  Yes, that's right -- I am Queeg.
Rimmer, Lister, Cat:    WHAT?!!!!!!
#2_6
>From `Parallel Universe':
Lister: Come on, what are you: a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
#2_6
>From `Parallel Universe':
Dog:  I tell you what: I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine!
      Now is that a deal?
Cat:  You want to smell my WHAT?
#2_6
>From `Parallel Universe':
Lister: That's rich, you know, coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.
#3_1
>From `Backwards':
"You are a stupid, square-headed, bald git, aren't you, eh?  [there is a cut
 here]  I'm pointing at you, yes, I'm pointing at you, but I'm not actually
 addressing you; I'm addressing the one prat in the country who thought he
 could get hold of this recording, turn it round, and actually work out the
 rubbish that I'm saying.  What a poor, sad life he's got!  [there is a cut
 here]  Frankly, your act's crap, anyway -- anybody could have had it.  I hate
 the lot of you!  Bollocks to you!"
{NB: Said by the club manager, backwards -- don't look for it}
#3_1
>From `Backwards':
[Lister and Cat rapping]
"We didn't come here looking for trouble
 We just came to do the Red Dwarf Shuffle
 He's smart..."
#3_1
>From `Backwards':
Cat:    Is that what I think it is?
Lister: What d'you think it is?
Cat:    An orange whirly thing in space!
#3_2
>From `Marooned':
Rimmer: But that was a barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight,
        a shambolic drunken set-to.
Lister: ...which you started.
Rimmer: I just made an innocuous comment.  I merely voiced the rumour that
        McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead.
        I didn't start the rumour; I merely voiced it.
Lister: ...to his face -- right to his face...when he was with his four
        biggest mates.  And then you do your roadrunner act and leave /me/
        to face the music.
Rimmer: Well, I could have got hurt!
Lister: You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?
#3_3
>From `Polymorph':
Rimmer: What about the Rimmer Directive, which states, "Never tangle with
        anything that's got with more teeth than the entire Osmond family"?
#3_3
>From `Polymorph':
Genny:  You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen.
Cat:    Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
Genny:  Do you know what I'd really like?
Cat:    Hmm?
Genny:  I'd really like to make love to a guy like you.
Cat:    Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.  Let's see,
        er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time?
Genny:  Nothing I couldn't cancel. (licks teeth)
Cat:    Hi, I'm the Cat.
Genny:  Hi, I'm the Genetic Mutant.
Cat:    Glad to know you ... Genny who?
#3_3
>From `Polymorph':
Lister: Lemon juice? (holds up canister)
Cat:    What the hell is that?
Lister: It's a syringe.
Cat:    What kind of syringe?
Lister: It's for cows -- artificial insemination.
#3_3
>From `Polymorph':
Cat: This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy!
#3_3
>From `Terrorform':
Rimmer: Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue
        here, which is "What are we going to call ourselves?" erm, and
        I think it comes down to a choice between `The League Against
        Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is
        `The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying
        Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'.  Erm, one
        drawback with that -- the abbreviation is `CLITORIS'.
#3_5
>From `Timeslides':
Kryten: We could go to Dallas in November, 1963, stand on the grassy knoll
        and shout "Duck!" ... I'm sorry; I must have bypassed my Good Taste
        Chip.
#3_5
>From `Timeslides':
Lister: The wacked-out crazy hippy drummer is called Dobbin.  He joined the
        police force in the end -- became a Grand Wizard in the Freemasons.
        The bass is called Gazza.  He was a neo-marxist nihilistic anarchist.
        Eventually he joined a large insurance company and got his own parking
        space.
#3_5
>From `Timeslides':
Cat: Look at that collar! You could go hang gliding!
#3_5
>From `Timeslides':
Kryten:  Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach
         advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption
         of fermented vegetable drinks.
#3_5
>From `Timeslides':
Holly:  Ah, got him: `Tension Sheet, inventor of, Dave Lister, aged 17.'
Rimmer: Damn!
Holly:  And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.
Rimmer: 98!
Holly:  His own fault, apparently -- he was making love to his 14th wife and
        lost control of the plane.
Rimmer: Have you got any photographs?
Holly:  Not of that, no!
#3_5
>From `Timeslides':
Blaize: Hello, and welcome to `The Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and
        Famous.'  Tonight we will be looking at the world's youngest
        billionare, Mr. Dave `Tension Sheet' Lister.  Behind me, Mr. Lister's
        English mansion; he had the whole building transported brick by brick
        from half a mile down the road just to get away from the neighbours.
        Now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs!  The gravel in
        his drive came from Buckingham Palace.  Dave bought Buck Palace and
        had it ground down just to line his drive.  This man has a wad so
        thick you could use it to beat whales to death.  He calls his home
        `Xanadu' not in reference to the famous movie `Citizen Kane', but as
        a tribute to the hit single by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tish.
        But Dave has musical aspirations of his own. Only last year his first
        single, `Om', shot to No. 1 when he personally purchased three million
        copies.  You'll never be short of an ashtray in his house.  Like many
        people who appear to have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with
        tragedy.  Well, actually it hasn't, but we can only hope.
#3_5
>From `Timeslides':
Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm
ALIVE!!!!! (smashes his hands on crates of explosives and is blown to bits)
#3_6
>From `The Last Day':
Rimmer: Kryten, isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for
        re-tuning?
#3_6
>From `The Last Day':
Kryten: Damage control report: Dehydration level 45%; Recall of previous
        evening 2%; Embarrassment factor 91%!  Advise repair schedule:
        Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head.
        Boy! What a night!
#3_6
>From `The Last Day':
Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space.  Can
        someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat:    Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's the
        policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
#3_6
>From `The Last Day':
Kryten: No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous!  Where would all the calculators go?
#4_1
>From `Camille':
Kryten: It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!
#4_1
>From `Camille':
Kryten: Camille looks like your sister-in-law?  What happened?  Was she
        involved in some kind of horrific car accident?
Rimmer: Who? Janine?  No, of course not -- she was a model!
Kryten: And she looked like Camille?
Rimmer: Absolutely!  The resemblance is uncanny!
Kryten: What did she model? Spark plugs?
#4_1
>From `Camille':
Kryten: You'll like them ... well, some of them ... well, one of them ...
        maybe.
#4_1
>From `Camille':
Kryten: Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska!
#4_1
>From `Camille':
Kryten: Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd!
#4_1
>From `Camille':
Rimmer: He's got mad droid disease. He kept waving a banana in front of me
        and calling it a female aardvark.
#4_1
>From `Camille':
Kryten: The way the light catches the angles of your head -- most enchanting.
#4_1
>From `Camille':
Kryten: It's the old, old story:
           Droid meets Droid,
           Droid becomes Chameleon,
           Droid loses Chameleon,
           Chameleon turns into Blob,
           Droid gets Blob back again,
           Blob meets Blob,
           Blob goes off with Blob,
           and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid.
        How many times have we seen that story?
#4_2
>From `D.N.A.':
Lister: Any problems?
Kryten: Well, just one or two.  In fact I've compiled a little list if
        you'll indulge me.  Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't
        appear to have a zoom function.
Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
Lister: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
Kryten: I see.  Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object.  All
        right, okay.  Well, what about other optical effects, like split
        screen, slow motion, Quantel[tm]?
Lister: No.  We don't have them.
Kryten: You don't have them -- just the zoom?  Hmm.  Well, no, that's
        fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great.
        Now then, my nipples don't work.
Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'?
Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used
        to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut
        was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions.
        Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't
        seem to pick up Jazz FM.
Lister: Human nipples don't do that, Kryte.
Kryten: I see.  Fine.  Ah: recharging.  Now, I presume that, uh, when a
        human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids
        do.  Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging
        socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the
        standard three-pin adaption.  Now, do I have to use some kind of
        special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps
        falling out.
Lister: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
Kryten: Hmm.  Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
        Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a
        little embarrassed about.  It's a bit of a taboo subject -- not
        the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite
        conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy.  Spit it
        out, man.
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.  I knew it,
        you've gone straight into smirk mode.  Aren't we both two
        human adults?  Can't we discuss our reproductive system
        without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid]  Well?
Lister: `Well' what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten.  What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
        No, it's not!
Kryten: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous!  That's the best design they could come up with?
        Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone
        said "Ah, there, that's it.  That's the shape we're looking
        for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"?  Shakespeare had one?
        Einstein?  Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with
        one of those stashed in his slacks?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode!  Ugh.  Now, take a
        look at this [hands Lister polaroid.  Lister rotates it
        several times, perplexed] and this.  [hands Lister second
        polaroid.  Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom.
        Sudden shock]  Now why do you suppose that happened?
Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
Kryten: Well, nothing in particular, sir.  I was just idly flicking
        through an electrical-appliance catalogue.  I came across the
        section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my
        underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
Lister: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other.  You shouldn't
        be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It /was/ a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a
        self-emptying dustbag.
Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was.  No vacuum cleaner
        should give a human being a double polaroid.  Do yourself a
        favour, man, change back.
Kryten: Back?  Become one of those poor sappy sad-act mechanoids again?
        This is my dream.  Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for
        you.  Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a
        lightbulb?
Lister: [sadly] I don't know.
Kryten: Twelve.  And you know why?
Lister: [even sadder] Why?
Kryten: Because they're so stupid!  Uhuhuhuhuh.  Isn't that just the
        greatest joke?  Huhuh.  I've got another one.  Ever heard of
        the mechanoid peeping-Tom?  [Looks repeatedly, like a machine.]
        Uhuhuhuhuh.
[Lister leaves.  External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing]
[Later]
Cat:    Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea.  It's never going to
        work.
Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything.  Why shouldn't it work? The
        hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
Cat:    You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
Rimmer: Why not?  Dandruff has DNA in it.  That machine has a clone
        facility.
Cat:    But a man made from dandruff?  It's never going to work.  The
        first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll
        disappear.
Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff -- my body will be recreated from
        the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
[Lister enters]
Cat:    How's Kryten?
Lister: Confused.  If he ever offers to show you his photo collection,
        my advice is: decline, politely.
#4_2
>From `D.N.A.':
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken)
Cat:    The question is: Can we turn him back again?
Rimmer: The question is: Do we want to?
#4_2
>From `D.N.A.':
Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble,
        you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic,
        and you're self-obsessed.
Cat:    You just listed all my best features!
#4_2
>From `D.N.A.':
(fighting the Mutton Vindaloo Beast)
Lister: Of course! Lager -- the only thing that can kill a vindaloo!
#4_3
>From `Justice':
Convict: You have no weapons?
Lister:  No.  You have no weapon?
Convict: No. [they advance] Guess what. [pulls out a knife] I lied.
Lister:  Guess what. [pulls out a length of pipe] So did I.
Convict: But I lied ... [pulls out a gun] ... twice.
Lister:  I didn't think of that.
#4_3
>From `Justice':
Cat: My god! His head burst!
#4_4
>From `White Hole':
(asserting that is isn't drunk)
Lister: I am not pished.
#4_4
>From `White Hole':
Talkie Toaster: Given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also
                infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake?
#4_4
Lister:  We want no muffins, no toast, no tea cakes, no buns, baps, baggets
         or bagels. No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes,
         and no hot cross buns. And definitely no smegging flapjacks!
Toaster: Ah! So you're a waffle man!
#4_5
>From `Dimension Jump':
Mellie: If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
Ace:    Sorry, Mellie -- I don't fraternise with staff.
Mellie: I resign.
Ace:    I'll be there at 1300.
#4_5
>From `Dimension Jump':
Ace: Sorry, Bongo, but lunch is ... on Mellie.
#4_5
>From `Dimension Jump':
Holly:  Purple alert! Purple alert!
Lister: What's a purple alert?
Holly:  Well, it's like not as bad as a red a alert, but a bit worse
        than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert.
#4_5
>From `Dimension Jump':
Ace: Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast.
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Cat:    What? Am I the only sane one here?  Why don't we drop the
        defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.
        One: We don't have any defensive shields, and Two: We don't
        have any defensive shields.  Now, I realise that, technically
        speaking, that's only one flaw, but I thought that it was such
        a big one it was worth mentioning twice.
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial
        speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here.
        It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model,
        in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew:
        three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out. Give it maybe three
        years. Nothing of salvagable value.  Ah, Felix Sapiens -- bred from the
        domestic housecat, and about half as smart. No value in future study of
        this species.  What have we here? A human being, or a very close
        approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly
        overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the
        museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains
        in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small
        and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has
        knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition could,
        maybe, master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems
        unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling could,
        possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is
        somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that
        we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he
        wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in
        two seconds flat.  (eats cigarette, removes his jacket)
Binks:  Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed.
        Enlightment, quickly, please.
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Rimmer: I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have
        ever been forced to endure.  I consider it an insult to my backside
        to have to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.
Kryten: You didn't find it uplifting?
 ...
Cat:    Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that
        stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then it
        went black and white and I fell asleep.
Kryten: But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
(commenting on his opinion of `King of Kings; The Story of Jesus')
Rimmer: Well, its true -- a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like
        that and /doesn't/ go into show business?
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!
Cat:    Quick!  Let's get out of here before they bring him back!
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
(about the lack of a Sex Deck on Red Dwarf)
Nirvana: Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?
Rimmer:  We ... go for runs? Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid...
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Nirvana: It was ... different.
Rimmer:  Different?
Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal -- small portions but /so/ many
         courses.
 ...
Nirvana: We usually talk.
Rimmer:  What do you talk about?
Nirvana: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...
Rimmer:  I'm sorry.  I must seem very ignorant.  I hardly said anything, apart
         from `Geronimo'.
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Lister: Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird,
        stuck-up megalomaniacs -- do you really think you'll fit in with
        them?  What am I saying? Bon voyage.
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't
        even considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will
        be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with
        beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand.  Now, am I really
        the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
(talking to Lister about Rimmer's mind patch)
Kryten: You must remember that he is operating on a completely different
        level to us now.  To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of
        domestic science teachers.
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Woman:  I'd just like to get one thing clear in my mind.  This is an
        opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of
        the crew ... and the crew is you three.  Basically, you spend
        your time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker, and
        eating curries.
Lister: We don't exactly do that much salvaging.
Woman:  But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries.
Kryten: We don't eat curries every night, if that's what you mean.  In fact,
        I distinctly remember a time last June: Mr Lister had a pizza.
Lister: That's right.
Kryten: Remember? And you didn't like it.  But then I poured curry sauce all
        over it, and he just yummed it up!
Woman:  And the all-night poker sessions: is it always /strip/ poker?
Lister: It all depends on how drunk we are.
Cat:    Or how much curry he's had.
Woman:  So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have
        much interest in horse riding or ballet?
Lister: Fine by us -- just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're
        cool.  Well, of course, there's one or two other people we have to
        see, but, in theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram,
        would you accept?
Woman:  No.  No, I think I'm better off where I am.
Cat:    But you're dead!
Woman:  And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot
        more.
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
(making his goodbyes)
Rimmer: I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ...
        people I met.
#5_1
>From `Holoship':
Rimmer: Oh, and, sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart -- we just won't be
        together.  [pauses, then cringes]  I cannot believe I just said that!
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Kryten: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid -- the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen
        of Troy.  The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put
        quill to parchment.
Lister: Yeah, it's the comic-book version.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Kryten: That is the Inquisitor.  He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the
        wretched, and deletes the worthless.
Rimmer: We're in big trouble.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Rimmer: Why did no-one mention this before?  If I had been told about this
        at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could
        have done something about it.  All those charity telethons when I used
        ring in and pledge donations -- if I had known all this, I would have
        given them /my/ credit card number.
Kryten: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary
        worker -- you simply have to seize the gift of life...
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: ...make a contribution...
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: ...no matter how small.
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric,
        vain and self serving.
Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you!
Kryten: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
Rimmer: Well, shut up, then!
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
NOTE: Inq=Inquisitor
Inq:    Who is to be first?
Rimmer and Cat: Lister.
Inq:    The hologram.  You shall be first.
Rimmer: Pardon? Sir?
Inq:    You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life. Tell
        me: what have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?
Rimmer: Well, I say this with the highest respect, but, what gives you the
        right to ask -- no, actually to demand -- that answer of me, your
        magnificence? (curtsies and bows)
Inq:    All must answer to the Inquisitor.
Rimmer: But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
Inq:    Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall be
        (lifts visor) yourself.
Rimmer: Oh smeg.
Inq:    Oh smeg indeed, matey.
Rimmer: Everyone is judged by their own self?
Inq:    It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.
        Now then, justify yourself.
Rimmer: Well, first I--
Inq:    Liar!
Rimmer: I've done good things.
Inq:    No you haven't.
Rimmer: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
Inq:    No you didn't.
Rimmer: Look, in my way I've tried to lead a good life.
Inq:    When?
Rimmer: (pause) Ah!  What's that in the corner?  It's the Archangel Gabriel!
        Well, that's me converted.  I'm a new man.  Hallelujah.
Inq:    You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man,
        aren't you?'
Rimmer: Well, sort of, yes.
Inq:    So then, justify yourself.
Rimmer: What else could I have been?  My father was a half-crazed military
        failure.  My mother was a bitch-queen from hell.  My brothers had
        all the looks and talent.  But what did I have?  Unmanageable hair
        and ingrowing toenails.  Yes, I admit I'm nothing, but, from what
        I started with, nothing is up.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Cat:  Hi, buddy!
Inq:  This is your judgment day, bud.  I gotta be cruel.  There can't be no
      favours.
Cat:  I'm hearing you on FM.
Inq:  I have to ask you the question.  Justify your existence.  What
      contribution have you made?
Cat:  I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.
Inq:  Well, that's true.
Cat:  Can I go now?
Inq:  That's your case?
Cat:  You need more?
Inq:  Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat:  Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great
      ass.
Inq:  Somtimes you astonish even me.
Cat:  Thank you.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Inq:    Well, Kryten, justify yourself.
Kryten: I'm not sure I can.
Inq:    But surely your life is replete with good works.  There can be few
        individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
Kryten: But I am programmed to live unselfishly, and therefore any good works
        I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series of
        binary commands I am compelled to obey.
Inq:    Well then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
Kryten: Perhaps only if he attempted to break his own programming and conduct
        his own life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
Inq:    Your argument invites deletion.
Kryten: The rules are yours, not mine.
Inq:    Do you wish to be erased?
Kryten: Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything.  I serve.
Inq:    In a human, this behaviour might be considered stubborn.
Kryten: But I am not human, and neither are you.  And it is not our place to
        judge them.  I wonder why you do.
Inq:    (Closes visor) Enough.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Inq:    (opens visor) Well, get out of this one, smeghead.
Lister: What are you talking about?
Inq:    You know what you could have made of your life if you'd tried.  What
        you could've become.
Lister: So?
Inq:    You've got brains, man -- brains you've never used.
Lister: So?
Inq:    So, justify yourself.
Lister: Spin on it.
Inq:    (closes visor)  The Inquisition is over.  I have reached my verdict.
        Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have
        been.  You have lived without merit, so will not have lived at all.
[Rimmer and Cat disappear]
Lister: You scum!  You've wiped them out!
Kryten: Sir...
Lister: He's crazy, Kryten.  He's erased the Cat and Rimmer!
Inq:    They are quite safe.
Kryten: Sir, I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased.
Lister: Ah.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Lister: Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten,
        now's the time to mention it.
Kryten: No plan, sir -- no sleeves.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Lister: We used to be your shipmates.
Rimmer: Only ... we've forgotten you.
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: [to Cat] Well, I don't know about you, but I'm convinced.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
(proving that he knows Rimmer)
Lister: You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four
        people committed suicide!
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
(distracting the Inquisitor)
Kryten: Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Lister: Nyah!  It's the old backfiring-time-gauntlet trick.
#5_2
>From `Inquisitor':
Kryten: You are a sick, sick person!  If mechanoids could barf, I'd be on to
        my fifth bag by now.
#5_3
>From `Terrorform':
"Kryten personal blackbox recording.  Time: unknown.  Location: unknown.
 Cause of accident: unknown.  Should someone find this recording, perhaps
 it will shed light as to what happened here.  My short-term memory has
 been erased.  This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from
 Starbug's rear engine.  Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic
 coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased.  This, combined
 with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented."
#5_3
>From `Terrorform':
Cat: This sounds like a twelve-change-of-underwear trip!
#5_3
>From `Terrorform':
(lines like `> this' are typed -- spelling errors sic)
Lister: > Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula.
Cat:    You're playing that dumb adventure game!
Lister: > It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest.
Cat:    Well, buy a potion from Gandalf the Master Wizard -- that's what I
        usually do.
Lister: > I'm SERIOUS.
Cat:    (looks down, sees it, then begins typing too)
        > It has an eye the size of a meatball.
Lister: > Kill it.
Cat:    > How?
Lister: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size
        of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
Cat:    > I'm scared
Lister: > YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel?
Cat:    > You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: > The lower half of my body has gone numb.
Cat:    > That's probably for the best.
Lister: > It's moving. Oh *$%^**!!!!
Hand:   > Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
#5_3
>From `Terrorform':
Kryten: Sir, a couple of brief points: firstly, you're not a qualified
        service engineer, and, consequently, sawing me in two will
        invalidate my guarantee; secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open
        a can of sardines that was already open.
#5_3
>From `Terrorform':
Rimmer: Look, I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, but
        I demand my right to a phone call.  Yes, I thought that would stop
        you.  I thought the threat of legal action would have you running
        for cover.
 ... [later, he is tied to a stake]
Rimmer: Is this the British embassy?  Does it even look the remotest bit like
        the British embassy?  I want to know who you are, what I'm doing here
        and I want to know now.
Priest: In accordance with the appetites of The Dark One, volitious ruler of
        this domain, we, the holy legions, proffer up this sacrifice to slake
        the vile, depraved thirstings of The Unspeakable One.
Rimmer: Well, that's cleared that up.
[the legions leave, and two women arrive]
        Thank God. Thank God. There were some very very strange men running
        around in black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes,
        but thank God you're here.  You know, I actually thought I was in the
        most awful danger? [the women rip off his robes] Is it me, or has it
        suddenly got rather hot in here?
 ... [later, the women are oiling him]
Rimmer: I am a 2nd Technician in the Space Corps, I am briefed to give you my
        name and number and nothing more.  I don't know who you people are or
        what you think you're playing at, but I'm not going to give you any-
        thing else.  You can oil me all you like, you can use your tongues and
        your full sensual lips to caress my erogenous zones onto a plateau of
        sexual ecstasy, but I'll tell you now: this nut's not for cracking.
[the women oil his nipples]
        However, far be it from me to change your game plan, if you absolutely
        insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, then
        so be it -- just have a large quatro-formaggio pizza with extra olives
        ready at the end.
[the women begin to go up to a small balcony]
        Er, where are you going?  What are you doing?  My god, are you going
        to take a flying leap?
Woman1: We are going to summon the master.
Rimmer: The master?
Woman2: You have been prepared for him.
Rimmer: This master character -- and I acknowledge I may not want to know the
        full answer to this one -- but why does he want me oiling particulary?
        Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery
        and pliant, yes?
Woman1: He always likes his victims to be oiled.  An oiled body is so much
        better for conducting the electricity.
Rimmer: Not the best news, but it could have been worse.
#5_3
>From `Terrorform':
Lister: Is it me, or are those frogs saying `useless'?
Frogs:  Useless, useless, Rimmer, you're useless.
Cat:    Hey, look at this! You've got a huge great blood-sucking leech
        on your neck. (rips it off) It's got a human face!
Lister: It's Rimmer's mum!
#5_4
>From `Quarantine':
Mr Flibble: Game over, boys!
#5_4
>From `Quarantine':
Kryten: Frankenstein was the creator -- not the monster.  It's a common
        misconception, held by all truly stupid people.
#5_4
>From `Quarantine':
Lister: Why do we never meet anyone nice?
Cat:    Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?
#5_4
>From `Quarantine':
Rimmer: So let me get this straight.  You want to fly on a magic carpet
        to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your
        freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?
#5_5
>From `Demons and Angels':
Lister: You guys have got to be yanking my chain!
#5_5
>From `Demons and Angels':
Holly:  Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
        voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my
        database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is
        not a daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.
#5_5
>From `Demons and Angels':
Holly: The phrase `cargo bay doors' does not appear to be in my lexicon.
#5_6
>From `Back to Reality':
Cat:    Don't fish swim south for the winter?
Kryten: That's birds, sir.
Cat:    Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?
#5_6
>From `Back to Reality':
Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?
#5_6
>From `Back to Reality':
Cat: Hang five, guys -- I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he
     committed suicide, he committed suicide, and the fish committed suicide.
     There's some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
#5_6
>From `Back to Reality':
Kryten: Some kind of sea creature -- a life form we have never encountered
        before -- attacked this ship.  Its defence mechanism is a curious one.
        It secretes a venom -- a poison, possibly even an hallucinogenic --
        which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair.  Now, that's why the
        crewmembers, and even that fish, had committed suicide.  Unfortunately,
        we have been contaminated.  It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find
        that we do experience (bursts into tears) moments of despair and
        anguish.
Rimmer: (talking to them over the radio)  What about Lister and the Cat?
Lister: I'm OK.  I don't seem to be affected.  It's true, I don't think anyone
        has ever truly loved me in my entire life.  There's nothing new about
        that.
Cat:    What is it with you guys? This has gotten like Saturday Night at the
        Wailing Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one?
        (crying) I mean, you guys just fall apart.
#5_6
>From `Back to Reality':
Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am
        around because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy
        who's going to take any crap from whoever you are.  So, before you
        start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who
        doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm kind of guy who gets all
        uptight being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are,
        CLEAR?
 ...
Kryten: "Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective."  I like that!  That sounds
        like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by
        cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those penpushers up
        at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat
        asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like
        pigs on a honeymoon!"
Rimmer: On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division
        is in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a
        rather silly macho name.
 ...
Kryten: (holding out his badge) Bullet. Cybernautics.
Cop:    That's traffic control.
#5_6
>From `Back to Reality':
Rimmer: Billy Doyle.  Well, that's a name that comes from the wrong side
        of the the tracks, isn't it?  You can see it all now: a youth spent
        in and out of corrective institutions; a string of illegitimate
        children; the wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy
        legs; has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for
        maintenance; before he knows it, he's standing in a bank with a
        sawn-off shotgun; somehow, it goes off; an old lady gets both barrels
        through a crocheted bobble hat; all he can do is hide, but where?;
        and then it hits him -- with his ill-gotten gains he can buy four
        years in a computer game and wait until the heat is off. And so ends
        the Ballad of Billy `Granny-Killer' Doyle.
Lister: It's yours.
Rimmer: What?!
Lister: It's yours, `Bill'.
Rimmer: No.
Lister: Check the ugly mug on the ID then, man.
Rimmer: `William Doyle'... `William Doyle'! Good old Bill Doyle.  That sounds
        like a hell of a good name to me -- probably connected to the Boston
        Doyles, old money, blue-chip stock...  You know, I think it's all
        starting to come back to me now.
Lister: What puzzles me slightly is what a man of such undoubted good
        breeding would be doing wearing a coat that smells like an elderly
        male yak has taken a leak in both the pockets.
Rimmer: Well, isn't it obvious?
Kryten: No, it isn't.
Rimmer: OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine.
#5_6
>From `Back to Reality':
Rimmer: This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a
        murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. I'm a piece
        of flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a yak
        latrine, and now my best flashing mac is about to be splattered with
        an android's brain. I'm after you with the gun.
#alt.tv.red-dwarf
NOT from RD but from alt.tv.red-dwarf:
   Is it just me, or does everyone whistle the theme song when reading this
   newsgroup?

==============================================================================
REMEMBER - submissions/corrections/comments to ROBINSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz,
NOT to the newsgroup.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SAID:                                       REALLY MEANS:

It has long been known that....             I haven't bothered to look up the
                                            original reference.


...of great theoretical and practical       .....interesting to me
importance    


While it has not been possible to provide   The experiments didn't work out, 
definite answers to these questions...      but I figured I could at least get 
                                            a publication out of it


The W-Pb system was chosen as especially    The fellow in the next lab had 
suitable to show the predicted behavior.    some already made up.


High purity....                             Composition unknown except for 
Very high purity....                        exaggerated claims of the 
Extremely high purity...                    supplier
Super purity....
Spectroscopically pure...

A fiducial reference line....               A scratch

Three of the samples were chosen for        The results on the others didn't
detailed study.                             make sense and were ignored.

...accidentally strained during mounting    ...dropped on the floor

...handled with extreme care throughout     ....not dropped on the floor
the experiment.

Although some detail has been lost in           It is impossible to tell from
reproduction, it is clear from the original     the micrograph
micrograph that.....

Presumably at longer times...                   I didn't take time to find out

The agreement with the predicted curve
is excellent                                    fair
   good                                         poor
   satisfactory                                 doubtful
   fair                                         imaginary
   ..as good as could be expected               non-existent

These results will be reported at a later       I might possibly get around to
date                                            this sometime
                           
The most reliable values are those of Jones     He was a student of mine

It is suggested that...
It is believed that...                          I think
It may be that...

It is generally believed that...                A couple of other guys think 
                                                so too 

It might be argued that...                      I have such a good answer to 
                                                this objection that I shall
                                                now raise it

It is clear that much additional work will be   I don't understand it.
required before a complete understanding...

Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to         Neither does anybody else.
account for these effects has not been
formulated.

Correct within an order of magnitude            Wrong

It is to be hoped that this work will           This paper isn't very good, but 
stimulate further work in the field             neither are any of the others 
                                                in this miserable subject

Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance      Glotz did the work and Doe 
with the experiments and to John Doe for        explained what it meant
valuable discussions
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches
a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.

    Knowledge is Power
    Time is Money

and as every engineer knows,

    Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom,
we get:
    K = P    (1)
    T = M    (2)
    P = W/T  (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

    Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
    K = W/T  (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

    K = W/M  (5).

Now we've got something.  Expanding back into English, we get:

    Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

    M = W/K  (6)
    Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

>From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge
approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

    The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

    W = M x K  (7)
    Work equals Money times Knowledge

>From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge
approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

    The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left
as an exercise for the reader.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TopFive -- 9/18/96:
     Rejected TV Shows From This Fall's Lineup

 "Facts Of Life: Still Gainin' Weight"

 "HELP DESK!  Real Tech Rescue Stories Starring
      William Shatner"

 "Dr. Smith, Frontier Proctologist"

"Married with Children, but Caught with $200-per-hour Hooker"
--------------
Nancy Williams

A newspaper photographer, reporter and editor are walking down the beach.
They see a bottle in the sand. The reporter grabs it, rubs it, and a genie
pops out. So grateful is the genie, he grants them each one wish.

The photographer says, "I want to be on a mountaintop with the wisest of the
wise, soaking up wisdom." And poof, he's gone.

The reporter says, "I want to be on a tropical paradise being served pina
coladas and bon bons all day long." Poof, she's gone.

The editor says, "I want those two jerks back here right now!"

(from Lisa Petrillo, reporter at the San Diego Union-Tribune)
------------
Silliness from Richard Handal--some of these are old, all
are wonderful if you are in "that" kind of mood  (-:

Copwight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over disneyland in pooh d'etat
What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
COFFEE.EXE missing- insert cup and press any key
Buy a pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are
My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C\;DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<------The information when data way-----
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*"= 100% compression
The Definition of an upgrade: take old bugs out, put new ones in
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud..., James Baud
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd doun, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied-- nah nah na nah nah
C:\bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
Bad command.  Bad,bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups?  We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found.  Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington DC (Y/N)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computers attention span is as long as its power cord
11th commandment - covet not thy neighbor's pentium
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation
Windows: Just another pane in the glass
SENILE.COM found... out of memory
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed
DEFINITION: Computer - a device designed to speed and automate errors
Press <CTRL<ALT<DEL to continue...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue..
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANS!
E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up
All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to you CONFIG.SYS
Press any key...no,no,no NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe(Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT: ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: no new upgrades
Hit any user to continue
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push
I hit the CTRL key and I'm still not in control
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk full - Press F1 to belch
Backup not found : (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found : (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry (T)ake down entire network
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the Ark had come to rest on Mt. Ararat, Noah said to the
animals, "Go then forth, all ye creatures, and multiply."
     
All the animals went forth, except for two snakes.
     
Noah said to the snakes, "Did I not command you in the name
of the Lord to go forth and multiply?  Why then have you not
obeyed?"
     
The snakes replied, "Behold, we are adders, and cannot multiply."
     
Then Noah sent forth his sons from the Ark, bidding them to
seek and hew a mighty tree.  The sons of Noah returned,
bearing with them the trunk of a great tree.  Then did Noah
bid his sons to strike the tree into pieces, and make there-
from a great table of wood.
     
Noah then said unto the snakes, "Behold where my sons have
made for you a table of logs, wherewith you now can multiply,
being adders!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Top 21 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty

 21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
 20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
 19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
 18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner
     of warp coil now held up by phone book.
 17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
 16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
 15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
     from flickering.
 14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling
     through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
 13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
 12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either
     side become too steep for crew to climb.
 11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
     people on board.
 10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by
     ten thousand care bears.
  9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
     macaroni and cheese.
  8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
  7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either
     stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
  6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
     Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
  5: Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related
     problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with
     Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
  4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says
     "Pretty please with sugar on it".
  3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes
     and loses access to nude volleyball program.
  2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
     exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
  1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.


 The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:

  10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
      Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.

   9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.

   8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
      Enterprise.

   7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
      and torture you for information.

   6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
      crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.

   5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
      of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.

   4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
      that the one with Luke Skywalker?"

   3) You have no life.

   2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.

   1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
      calculated for the planet Vulcan.


     TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
 - - - ---------------------------------------------------------
 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
  9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
  8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
  7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
  6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
  5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
  4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
  3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
  2. "We brake for cubes!"
  1. "Wesley On Board!"


 --------- Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:

 ---------"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
 Second Best Bumpersticker:    "Hair color is irrelevent, you will have fun."
 Third best:                   "Fun is irrelevent."

 TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD

 20.  Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
 19.  The ball in Parisis' Squares
 18.  Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
 17.  Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
 16.  Scare blind students in Braille class
 15.  Prop open doors for maintainence crews
 14.  Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
 13.  Footstool for Captain's chair
 12.  entertaining kids in day care puppet show
 11.  Scare Alexander into doing chores
 10.  Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
  9.  Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
  8.  Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
      research
  7.  Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
  6.  Two words:  tether ball
  5.  Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
  4.  Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
  3.  Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
  2.  Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
      and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
  1.  Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
      insurance policy


 SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:

      1.  Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
      2.  Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium
	  and tritanium.
      3.  Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
	  excessive thought first
      4.  More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
      5.  Have figured out the stardate system
      6.  Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
      7.  Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
      8.  The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
      9.  Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and
	  "The Omega Glory"
     10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
     11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
     12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
     13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
	 Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
     14. Understanding Klingon
     15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
     16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
     17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
	 dramatic stylistics
     18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
	 sequences in ST:TMP
     19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
     20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers


 **20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**

 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
    encountered several times before.

 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
    are all perfectly alright.

 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.

 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which
    later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a
    funny hat.

 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
    which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
    sick-bay.

 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
   people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
   Directive.

 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
    another without a serious incident.

 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
    the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
    bring the right leads.

 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
    faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
    staff.

 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
     which does not put them on trial.

 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
     which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
     everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
     revealed to be exactly what it seems.

 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
     fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
     everyone's satisfaction.

 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
     is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
     and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
     obvious.

 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
     themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
     Wesley Crusher.

 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
     git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
     for a change.

 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
     being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
     sentences that anyone says to him.

 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.


     The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
 - - - -----------------------------------------------------------------
 10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
     the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
  9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
     a shuttlecraft
  8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
  7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his
     forehead
  6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
     life-forms
  5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
     Dick Hertz is there
  4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
     REAL Picard Maneuver"
  3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
     Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
  2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make
     it so"
  1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
     beams back up



 Top ten fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
 - - - ----------------------------------------------------------
 10. Playing Jimi Hendrix in the Holodeck while Geordi is there and using
     appropriate psychodelia on the walls to drive him crazy
  9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
  8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
  7. Giving Worf A noogie
  6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
     to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
  5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
  4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
     destruct sequence
  3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
  2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
     Prince Albert In A Can
  1. Tribble sex!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    An old man at a nursing home is about to have his 90th birthday party. 
    His friends at the home all decide to pool their resources and get him
    a present.  When he walks into the darkened rec room, they turn on the
    lights and yell "SURPRISE!"  Well, later in the party, a few of his
    friends mention that there was still more of a surprise left - he
    should go to his room to see what it was.  So, the man walks down the
    hall to his room, opens his door, and there is a beautiful buxom young
    lady dressed in nothing but a silk teddy.  He asks, "what are you doing
    here?" 
    
    "I'm part of the surprise," she answered.  "I'm here to give you 
    super sex."
    
    "OK," the man said.
 
    "I'll take the soup."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   THIRTEEN MISUNDERSTANDINGS
                            IN THE
                     HISTORY OF MATHEMATICS

  In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that
....

  1) Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny."

  2) Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his
     daughter "Tootsie."

  3) William Horner was not called "Little-Jack" by his
     friends.

  4) The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand."

  5) Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push."

  6) Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel."

  7) There is no such place as the University of Wis-cosine,
     and if there was, the motto of their mathematics
     department would not be "Secant ye shall find."

  8) Although Euler is pronounced oil-er, it does not follow
     that Euclid is pronounced oi-clid.

  9) Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have
     to sphere is sphere itself."

10) Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that
    is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa
    ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
    iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

11) It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and
    opinionated man. But he was not so rigid that he could
    only see one side to every question.

12) It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle
    in explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the
    other astronomers of his time. And it is also true that
    his first attempt was a failure. But it is not true that
    after his lecture the first three questions he was asked
    were "What is elliptical?" What is an orbit?" and "What
    is a planet?

13) It is true that primitive societies use only rough
    approximations for the known constants of mathematics.
    For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the
    ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to
    be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called
    Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of these tribes is
    dependent upon government assistance, which is not always
    forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait and
    Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government
    at half-price, and the government passed them onto the
    northern natives. Hence the saying among these peoples:
    "He who has a Tait's is lost."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)

Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification.

....

Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya
stand around it too long. Take a hint from ol' Joe.)

How menny	 Whut is it			                       Where d'ya git it
___________________________________________________________________________
    1      1 inch cube of 90% Palladium		      any good hardware store
		         with 10% Titanium		                 should have it

    1	     4 inch length of gold wahr		        steal from yore sister's
						                                         earrin's

5 gallons  heavy water, with 10%		             steal frum Navy base
		         DTO                                 (th' "Jolt" version,	or borry
                                               frum naybors. heh heh.)

  1 cup    Lithium Lye, with Deuterium,		      war surplus store
	          USGummint #3039924057394XD

    1	     1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah	     hell, bild it, use
						                                         pappy's arc welder,
						                                         or whutever.

    1      special currint reggalater		        bild it.
	          (figger 3, end of chapter)

    1	   Kickass(tm) 8 week high-reliability	  ain'tchoo gotta hardware
		       timer or equiv'lint		bin?             Call up Bud's
						                                         Scientific Splah.
						                                         Don't let on whut it's for.

    1	     big moonshahn crock, with lid.	     c'mon, ya gotta know
						                                         where ta git basics!

   th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.


How d'ya do it, Joe?
_____________________

Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr
goin' to it.  (Elsewise, ya gots ta use a whole lotta ol' truck
batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack,
and pour th' Jolt water inta it.  Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an'
careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now.
Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna
hafta sneak inta th' navybase again, do ya? Them guys got guns & stuff
and they ain't afraid ta use it.

So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint
reggalater in figger 3 at th' end of th' chapter, the one with the
special shunt cirkit fer changin' the currint. Thet's whar th'
Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at
about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.

Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th'
shack, and put th' bizniz end inta the Jolt water. Don't leave th' lid
off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th'
place wher the wahrs come out. Ah got me some motorcycle ground strap,
which is read'ly avail'ble an' flat, so it don't queer up the fit o'
the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th'
bolts.

Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in,
make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.

'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack
unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much,
probly worrit yore mom no end, an' if ya gotta go in ther ta check,
don't stay long. Ya want ol' Joe's advice, after around 7 weeks, don't
go in ther atall.

This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book
is named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht
through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got
thet?  No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught
with it if it's too close. Besides, ya don't want yer sister fahndin'
out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll
make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if
she's good with a soldrin' ahrn. Probly bilds good pahr splahs, an
that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'.

Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?

______________________________


Whut happen		Whut ta do
___________________________________________________________________________
ya hair falls out	Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up
in hanks		close-lahk! Thow away yer clothin', an'
			take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E,
			an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in
			a spell.

red skin & funny spots	same thing.

juice won't drop to	shunt circuit screwed up, or ya bought a cheap
10-15 amps		tahmer. Don't bah you no cheap tahmers!

no flash after 8	th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more
weeks is gone bah	weeks an' then check fer pahr at the wall sockit.
			Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah
			tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then
			you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th'
			tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!

Big wet spot		ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If
			the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th'
			crock leaks, fix it quick.

'lectrode turns brown	probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can
			give it up, or start over.

runs hot		only happins once in a whahl. Swipe Grampa's
			ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still
			coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta
			the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good.
			If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater.
			Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk
			hell, take it from one that knows.


Youall have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer
munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn,
an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sodium atom  went to the police station

 sodium atom:   Some one stole my outer electron
officer:                  Are you sure?
 sodium atom:   Yes, I'm positive
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
whats (H2O)4 ?    answer- drinking

Name:   Ba(Na)2         -banana
        Co(Fe)2ClO4Er   -coffee percolater

What do you call a convict that likes to clown it up?  -  silicon

What is the role of a medical doctor ?  -  helium  or curium
And if they don't you   - Barium

Pa      H
  \    /
   C = C        "transparence"
  /     \
 H      Ma

what in the world isn't chemistry
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
	THIS LIST WAS COMPILED DIRECTLY FROM THE STOLEN COPIES OF SEVERAL
	DIFFERENT PROFESSORS ON CAMPUS.  SHOULD YOU FIND A SUBJECT IN 
	WHICH YOU ARE IN ROLED IN ON THIS LIST ... I SUGGEST YOU BRUSH UP
	ON IT.
   	
			     FINAL EXAM
   

   Instructions:   Read   each   question   carefully.   Answer  all
   questions.
   
   Time limit:  2 hours.  Begin immediately.
   
   History:  Describe  the history of the Papacy from its origins to
   the present day, concentrating especially, but  not  exclusively,
   on  its  social, political, economic, religious and philosophical
   impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa.   Be  brief,  concise
   and specific.
   
   Medicine:  You  have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
   gauze, and a bottle of scotch.  Remove  your  appendix.   Do  not
   suture  until  you  work  has  been  inspected.  You have fifteen
   minutes.
   
   Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed  aborigines  are  storming  the
   classroom.   Calm  them.  You may use any ancient language except
   Latin or Greek.
   
   Biology:  Create  life.   Estimate  the differences in subsequent
   human culture if this form of  life  had  developed  500  million
   years  earlier,  with special attention to its probable effect on
   the English Parliamentary System.  Prove your thesis.
   
   Music:  Write  a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it with
   flute and drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.
   
   Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the
   emotional   stability,   degree   of  adjustment,  and  repressed
   frustrations of each of the following: Alexander  of  Aphrodisis,
   Rameses  II, Hammuarabi.  Support your evaluation with quotations
   from each man's work, making appropriate references.    It is not
   necessary to translate.
   
   Sociology:   Estimate   the  sociological  problems  which  might
   accompany the end of the world.  Construct an experiment to  test
   your theory.
   
   Engineering:  The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have
   been placed on your desk.  You  will  also  find  an  instruction
   manual, printed in Swahili.  In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger
   will be admitted to the room.   Take  whatever  action  you  feel
   necessary.  Be prepared to justify your decision.
   
   Economics:  Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national
   debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in  the  following
   areas:  Cubism,  the  Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of
   Light.  Outline a method for preventing these effects.  Criticize
   this  method  from  all  possible  points of view.  Point out the
   deficiencies in your point  of  view,  as  demonstrated  in  your
   answer to the last question.
   
   Political  Science:  There  is a red telephone on the desk beside
   you.   Start  World  War  III.    Report   at   length   on   its
   socio-political effects if any.
   
   Epistemology:  Take  a  position  for or against truth. Prove the
   validity of your stand.
   
   Physics: Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an 
   evaluation  of  the  impact  of the development of mathematics on
   science.
   
   Philosophy: Sketch the development of  human  thought.   Estimate
   its significance.  Compare with the development of any other kind
   of thought.
   
   General   Knowledge:   Describe  in  detail.   Be  objective  and
   specific.

          (__)             (__)    *        (__) *      (__)
          (oo)             (oo)     \       (oo) |      (oo)
  /--------\/      /-oooooo-\/       \-------\/  \-------\/
 * o|     ||      * ooooooooo     o  o|     ||   /     || \ 
    ||----||     ooooooooooooo        ||----||>==/-----|| grambo@wam.umd.edu
 ooo~~    ~~    ooooooooooooooooo     ~~    ~~         ~~  _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
  Cow taking      Cow in deep         Cow getting the crap
    a crap               crap            kicked out of her
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to
fail the course completely no matter what you get on the final exam) 

1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.
Turn it in a few minutes early.
2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO
sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the
instructor is.
6.  Bring cheerleaders.
7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
Where's the regular guy?"
8.  Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
10.  Bring pets.
11.  Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.
12.  Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas."  If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 
13.  Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.
15.  Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
16.  Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17.  Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18.  As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19.  Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20.  Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21.  Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22.  Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it
is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
23.  Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24.  Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25.  Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after
one hour to go drink)
26.  Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27.  Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above
my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 
28.  Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29.  Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.
30.  Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
to take the exam.
31.  Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"
32.  Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33.  From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34.  Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35.  If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most 
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.
36.  Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
37.  Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad
circulation. 
38.  Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to 
the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached noteome, ugly idol.
Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46.  Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47.  During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48.  Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at
a 90 degree angle.
49.  Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you
are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the
Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section
on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told
you so". 
50.  Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks" 
Written by Jeremy Toeman, Enjoy!

-- 
DO what you have to do..don't do what others do!!..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
 - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
 - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
 - All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
 - Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
 - What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
 - Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
 - Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
 - If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
 - Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
 - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
 instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
 and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
 - Everybody gets an A.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To all those Freshman note takers out there....here's an example of good
note taking :-)....

 
                 ***********************
                 *  HOW TO TAKE NOTES  *
                 ***********************
 
 
  WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:        YOU WRITE:
 
    "Probably the greatest quality
  of the poetry of John Milton, who
  was born in 1608, is the combination
  of beauty and power.  Few have        John Milton--born 1608
  excelled him in the use of the
  English language, or for that
  matter, in lucidity of verse form,
  'Paradise Lost' being said to be
  the greatest single poem ever
  written."
 
 
    "When Lafayette first came to
  this country, he discovered
  America.  The Americans needed his    Lafayette discovered America
  help if their cause was to survive,
  and this he promptly supplied them."
 
 
    "Current historians have come to    Most of the problems that now face
  doubt the complete advantageousness   the United States are directly
  of some of Roosevelt's policies"      traceable to the bungling and greed
                                        of President Roosevelt.
 
 
    "...it is possible that we do       Professor Mitchell is a communist
  not understand the Russian
  viewpoint..."
 
 
    "The puissance of hydrochloric
  acid is incontestable; however,       Hydrochloric acid eats the hell
  the corrosive residue is              out of steel
  inharmonious with metallic
  persistance."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A person who can, within a year, solve x^2 - 92y^2 = 1 is a mathematician."
   -- Brahmagupta

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Math and Alcohol don't mix, so...

PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE

Then there's every parent's scream when their child walks into the
room dazed and staggering:

OH NO...YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MADD =  Mathematicians
        Against
        Drunk
        Deriving

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[This limerick was previously posted incorrectly.
 The integral limit has been changed.]

Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better
on paper.

          3_
         \/3
        /
       |  2            3 X pi          3_
       | z dz  X  cos(--------) = ln (\/e )
       |                 9
      /
       1

Which, of course, translates to:

Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.

And it's correct, too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This poem was written by John Saxon (an author of math textbooks).

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0


Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        'Tis a favorite project of mine
        A new value of pi to assign.
            I would fix it at 3
            For it's simpler, you see,
        Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.

("The Lure of the Limerick" by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to
Harvey L. Carter).

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If inside a circle a line
Hits the center and goes spine to spine
And the line's length is "d"
the circumference will be
d times 3.14159

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If (1+x) (real close to 1)
Is raised to the power of 1
Over x, you will find
Here's the value defined:
2.718281...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality.
A  physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
A  mathematician doesn't care.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?

                  -- because seven ate nine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We use epsilons and deltas in mathematics because mathematicians tend
to make errors.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals?
Cantor's Diagonal Elephant!

How can you tell that Harvard was layed out by a mathematician?
The div school [divinity school] is right next to the grad school...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the
big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.

SPLAC?  Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical
problems.  He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." 
So he goes.  The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears
with a real number of teeth is well known ..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving
techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an
engineer, and a mathematician.

The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical
pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot.

Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the
pail on the ground.

The physicist was the first subject:  he carried his pail to the spigot,
filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and
poured the water into it.  Standing back, he declared, "There: I have
solved the problem."

The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly.
Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the
volumes of the pails were equal.  The mathematician merely noted that he
had proven that a solution exists.

Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit:  the pail
on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail
that was already half-filled with water.

The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground,
emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and
finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground,
overflowing it and spilling some of the water.  Upon finishing, he
commented that the problem should have been better stated.

The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action.  He
then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and
filled the pail on the ground from it.  Again he noted that the problem had
an exact solution, which of course he had found.

The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring.  At last he
stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has
been reduced to one already solved."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Professor Dirac, a famous Applied Mathematician-Physicist, had a horse
shoe over his desk.  One day a student asked if he really believed
that a horse shoe brought luck.  Professor Dirac replied, "I
understand that it brings you luck if you believe in it or not."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First of all let me make it clear that I have nothing against
contravariant functors.  Some of my best friends are cohomology
theories!  But now you aren't supposed to call them contravariant
anymore.  It's Algebraically Correct to call them 'differently
arrowed'!!

In the same way that transcendental numbers are polynomially
challenged?

Manifolds are personifolds (humanifolds).

Neighborhoods are neighbor victims of society.

It's the Asian Remainder Theorem.

It isn't PC to use "singularity" - the function is "convergently
challenged" there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?
Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle,  "Lather,
rinse, repeat."

Why did the calculus student have so much trouble making Kool-Aid? 
Because he couldn't figure out how to get a quart of water into the
little package.

Q: Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some phrases used to remember SIN, COS, and TAN.
(SIN = Opposite/Hypotenuse, COS = Adjacent/H, TAN = O/A).

1.      SOHCAHTOA       (sock-a-toe-a)

2.      The Cat    Sat
        On  An     Orange
        And Howled Hard

3.      Some Old Hulks
        Carry A Huge
        Tub Of Ale

4.      Silly Old Hitler
        Caused Awful Headaches
        To Our Airmen

5.      Some Old Hag
        Cracked All Her
        Teeth On Asparagus

6.      Some Old Hairy
        Camels Are Hairier
        Than Others Are

7.      Silly Old Harry
        Caught A Herring
        Trawling Off America

8.      SOPHY, CADHY, TOAD

--------------------------------units and dimensions-------------

2 monograms                                             1 diagram
8 nickles                                               2 paradigms
2 wharves                                               1 paradox

10E5 bicycles                                           2 megacycles

1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel          1 whod unit

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):

First Law:  You can't get anything without working for it.

Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even.

Third Law:  You can't break even.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What goes "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"?
A: A parroty error!!

Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line?
A: "Stop touching me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed
to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the room gets
empty...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer:

    * Pocket calculator

    * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair
      (Choose any of the above)

    * IBM PC

    * Apple Macintosh

    * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

    * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

    * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice)


And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities:

*********************************************************
*******     G R A D U A T E   S T U D E N T S    ********
*********************************************************

Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly
graduate students.  Imagine the advantages:

    * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have
      students.  You can easily add more power by promising more
      desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college
      through your guidance.  Special student units can even
      handle several tasks *on*their*own*!

    * Full voice recognition interface.  Never touch a keyboard or
      mouse again.  Just mumble commands and they *will* be
      understood (or else!).

    * No hardware upgrades and no installation required.  Every
      student comes complete with all hardware necessary.  Never
      again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation!
      Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing
      utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous
      end) and off it goes.

    * Low maintenance.  Remember when that hard disk crashed in
      your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit
      bucket in the sky?  This won't happen with grad. students.
      All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!*
      upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run
      good as new.

    * Abuse module.  Imagine yelling expletives at your computer.
      Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there
      and ignores you.  Through the grad student abuse module you
      can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot!

    * Built-in lifetime.  Remember that awful feeling two years
      after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new
      faculty member on the block sneered at you because his
      FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your
      dinosaur?  This doesn't happen with grad. students.  When
      they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them
      the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for
      themselves.  Out of sight, out of mind!

    * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane
      equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy
      chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely
      synthetic macaroni replacements.  It is entirely unnecessary
      to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does
      get them going a little faster from time to time).

    * Expansion options.  If your grad. students don't seem to be
      performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager
      or software engineer upgrade.  These guys are guaranteed to
      require even less than a student, and typically establish
      permanent residence in the computer room.  You'll never know
      they are around!  (Which you certainly can't say for an
      AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk
      with its ten noisy fans....)  [Note however that the
      engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the
      idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as
      incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly
      screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous
      messages on world-wide bulletin boards.]

So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks
and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage.  The wave of the
future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today!  You'll never
go back!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was
standing on the shoulder of giants.
   -- Isaac Newton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants
were standing on my shoulders.
   -- Hal Abelson

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
   -- Brian K. Reid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He thinks he's really smooth, but he's only C^1.
He's always going off on a tangent.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair.  Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed."  The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust.  "What? I'm not going to go through
this.  You know I'll never reach the bed!"  And he gets up and storms
out.  The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in.  He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling.  The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"  The physicist smiles
and replied, "Of course!  But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean, to the physics department.  "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
stuff.  Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets.  Or even better,
like the philosophy department.  All they need are pencils and paper."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house.  The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out.  The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container.  He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper.  After a few minutes he
goes "Aha!  A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.

Sequel:  This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire).  The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge. 
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire.  The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire.  The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge.  Again, the coffee machine catches on fire.  This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three
adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.

First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity.
He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the physicist smells smoke too.  He wakes up and sees
that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire.  He says to
himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire?  One can reduce the
temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning
material from oxygen, or both.  This could be accomplished by applying
water."  So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall,
turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the
window.  So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the
bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback.  He immediately
sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and
goes back to sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:

        Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
        a hose not connected to the hydrant.  What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
   the fire.

M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
   the fire.

Then they were asked this question:

        Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
        a hydrant.  What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.

M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,
   reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living.  They
went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
solving skills.

He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty.  He put each man in a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table.  He said
"Boil the water".  Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove
and turned on the burner to boil the water.  Next, he put them into a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor.  Again,
he said "Boil the water".  The first man put the pot on the stove and
turned on the burner.  The counselor told him to be an Engineer,
because he could solve each problem individually.  The second man
moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from
the table to the stove and turned on the burner.  The counselor told
him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a
previously solved problem.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting
together.  They spy a deer(*) in the woods.

The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of
gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires.  Alas, he misses; the
bullet passes three feet behind the deer.  The deer bolts some yards,
but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an
ordinary gun, one would expect that."  He then levels his special
deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a
sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which
don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires.  Alas, his bullet
passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and
vanishes for good.

"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."

"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician.  "Between the two of
you, that was a perfect shot!"

----------

(*) How they knew it was a deer:

The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it
must be a deer.

The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it
to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were
travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the
window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are
black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least
one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
black!"

"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a
Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical
processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 11, 12 and even
higher.  The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E
is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled.  By the end
the E has a terrible headache.  At the end, the M comments about the
wonderful lecture.  The E says "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process."
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in
11-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 11."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
               circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no
doubt already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations
the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few
minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself
happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. 

This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed
right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite
rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers
this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let
alone funny.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
   function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an
   earlier riddle.
   -- from a button I bought at Nancy Lebowitz's table at Boskone

Q: What do a mathematician and a physicist [or engineer, or musician,
   or whatever the profession of the person addressed] have in common?
A: They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician.

Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use

Q: What do you call a broken record?
A: A Decca-gone

Q: What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?
A: One hundred sows-and-bucks

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...

Q: What is the world's longest song?
A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall."

Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?
A: He works it out with a pencil.

Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice.
A: Zorn's Lemon.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra.
A: Elephant zebra sin theta.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber.
A: You can't do that.  A mountain climber is a scalar.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
A: Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to
   the two as determined by the right hand rule.

Q: To what question is the answer "9W."
A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge
in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what
kind of knowledge pills are available.  The pharmacist says "Here's a
pill for English literature."  The student takes the pill and swallows
it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the
counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard
to swallow."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems"
  -- P. Erdos

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) :

1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
        Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
        Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but
                  they are removable!

2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious
   colleague:
        Do you believe in one God?
        Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism!

3. What is a compact city?
        It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
        policemen!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heisenberg might have slept here.

Moebius always does it on the same side.

Statisticians probably do it

Algebraists do it in groups.

(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A promising PhD candidate was presenting his thesis at his final
examination.  He proceeded with a derivation and ended up with
something like:

        F = -MA

He was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed, and the
rest of the committee was embarrassed.  The student coughed nervously
and said "I seem to have made a slight error back there somewhere."

One of the mathematicians on the committee replied dryly, "Either that
or an odd number of them!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who
kidnapped  three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician, and locked  each of them in seperate cells with plenty
of canned food and water but no can opener.

A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and  found it long empty.  The engineer had constructed a can
opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to
make an explosive, and escaped.

The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off
the tin  cans by throwing them against the wall.  She was developing a
good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.

The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped
calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:

        Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.

        Proof: assume the opposite...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

(Hunting lions in Africa was originally published as "A contribution
to the mathematical theory of big game hunting" in the American
Mathematical Monthly in 1938 by "H. Petard, of Princeton NJ" [actually
the late Ralph Boas].  It has been reprinted several times.

1. Mathematical Methods

1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method

We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert.  After that
we introduce the following logical system:
   Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
   Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a
            lion in the cage.
   Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
              "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
   Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.

1.2 The geometrical inversion method

We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from
inside.  We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage.  Then
the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.

1.3 The projective geometry method

Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface.
We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an
interior point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same
point.

1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method

Divide the desert by a line running from north to south.  The lion is
then either in the eastern or in the western part.  Let's assume it is
in the eastern part.  Divide this part by a line running from east to
west.  The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part.
Let's assume it is in the northern part.  We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area.  The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.

1.5 The set theoretical method

We observe that the desert is a separable space.  It therefore
contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a
sequence with the lion as its limit.  We silently approach the lion in
this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.

1.6 The Peano method

In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
desert.  It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time.  Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear,
in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to
its own length.

1.7 A topological method

We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the desert in a four dimensional space.  Then it is possible
to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning
to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself.  It is then
completely helpless.

1.8 The Cauchy method

We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage.  Consider
the integral

          1    [   f(z)
       ------- I --------- dz
       2 \pi i ] z - \zeta

               C

where C represents the boundary of the desert.  Its value is f(zeta),
i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].

1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method

We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere.  We put this lion somewhere
in the desert.  L_0 then converges toward our cage.  According to the
general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge
toward the same cage.  (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily
close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)

2 Theoretical Physics Methods

2.1 The Dirac method

We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert.  Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame.  We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader.

2.2 The Schroedinger method

At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in
the cage.  Sit and wait.

2.3 The Quantum Measurement Method

We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate.  The
wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender
eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness.  We lay these eigenstates
out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other.  Since the (male)
lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made
from a distance, using binoculars.  The lion then collapses into one of
the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage.

2.4 The nuclear physics method

Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange
operator [6] on it and a wild lion.

As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male lion.  We insert a tame female lion into the cage and
apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.

2.5 A relativistic method

All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts
of the companion star of Sirius.  After enough of the bait has been
eaten we send a beam of light through the desert.  This will curl
around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without
danger.

3 Experimental Physics Methods

3.1 The thermodynamics method

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions
pass through.  This we drag across the desert.

3.2 The atomic fission method

We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons.  The lion becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration
process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.

3.3 The magneto-optical method

We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria)
such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal
component of the earth's magnetic field.  We put the cage in one of the
field's foci . Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of
magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows,
a high iron content.  The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions.  Afterwards the
lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the
resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.

[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
    Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
    Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion
    except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of its Applications" (1933),
    pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
    (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid

----------

4 Contributions from Computer Science.

4.1 The search method

We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to
the north of the point where we are standing.  Therefore the REAL
problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to
solve the problem.

4.2 The parallel search method.

By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the
north much faster than earlier.

4.3 The Monte-Carlo method.

We pick a random number indexing the space we search.  By excluding
neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number
of points we need to consider.  The lion will according to probability
appear sooner or later.

4.4 The practical approach.

We see a rabbit very close to us.  Since it is already dead, it is
particularly easy to catch.  We therefore catch it and call it a lion.

4.5 The common language approach.

If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be
trivial to solve.

4.6 The standard approach.

We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123.  Since CCITT have specified
a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a
harmonized standard to appear.  $20,000,000 have been funded for
initial investigations into this standard development.

4.7 Linear search.

Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert.  Take one step
east.  Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right
hand edge.  If you reach the right hand edge, take one step
southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge.  When you finally
reach the lion, put it the cage.  If the lion should happen to eat you
before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and
try again.

4.8 The Dijkstra approach:

The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara
Desert. Another way of stating the problem is:

       Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts
       Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara
       Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage)

We observe the following invariant:

       P1:     C(L) v not(C(L))

where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage.

Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement

       ;cage := {}

Note 0:
This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking
out any lions that happen to be there initially.
(End of note 0.)

The obvious program structure is then:

       ;cage:={}
       ;do NOT (C(L)) ->
               ;"approach lion under invariance of P1"
               ;if P(L) ->
                       ;"insert lion in cage"
                [] not P(L) ->
                       ;skip
               ;fi
       ;od

where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach.

Note 1:
Axiom 2 ensures that the loop terminates.
(End of note 1.)

Exercise 0:
Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1".
(End of exercise 0.)

Note 2:
The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to
abortion if the value of L is "lioness".
(End of note 2.)

Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you.
(End of remark 0.)

Note 3:

From observation we can see that the above program leads to the
desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to
run it.
(End of note 3.)
(End of approach.)

----------

For other articles, see also:

A Random Walk in Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza
More Random Walks In Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza
In Mathematical Circles (2 volumes) - Howard Eves
Mathematical Circles Revisited - Howard Eves
Mathematical Circles Squared - Howard Eves
Fantasia Mathematica - Clifton Fadiman
The Mathematical Magpi - Clifton Fadiman
Seven Years of Manifold - Jaworski
The Best of the Journal of Irreproducible Results - George H. Scheer
Mathematics Made Difficult - Linderholm
A Stress-Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown - Robert Baker
The Worm-Runners Digest
Knuth's April 1984 CACM article on The Space Complexity of Songs
Stolfi and ?? SIGACT article on Pessimal Algorithms and Simplexity Analysis

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a joke, but a humorous ditty I heard from some guys in an
engineering fraternity (to the best of my recollection):

I'll do it phonetically:

ee to the ex dee ex,
ee to the why dee why,
sine x, cosine x,
natural log of y,
derivative on the left
derivative on the right
integrate, integrate,
fight! fight! fight!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Programmers' Cheer --

Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Other cheers:

E to the x dx dy
radical transcendental pi
secant cosine tangent sine
3.14159
2.71828
come on folks let's integerate!!

----------

E to the i dx dy 
E to y dy 
cosine secant log of pi
disintegrate em RPI !!!

----------

square root, tangent
hyperbolic sine,
3.14159
e to the x, dy, dx,
sliderule, slipstick, TECH TECH TECH!

----------

e to the u, du/dx
e to the x dx
cosine, secant, tangent, sine,
3.14159
integral, radical, u dv,
slipstick, slide rule, MIT!

----------

E to the X
D-Y, D-X
E to the X
D-X.
Cosine, Secant, Tangent, Sine
3.14159
E-I, Radical, Pi
Fight'em, Fight'em, WPI!

Go Worcester Polytechnic Institute!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Words in {} should be interpreted as greek letters:

Q: I M A {pi}{rho}Maniac.  R U  1,2?
                              o         <- read as "U-not"
A: Y ?
    o

("I am a pyromaniac.  Are you not one, too?"  "Why not?")

F U \{can\} \{read\} Ths U \{Mst\} \{use\} TeX
("If you can read this, you must use TeX")

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost
in a canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.
We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices
far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are
we?" (They hear the echo several times.)

15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!  You're
lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."

Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

The reply: "For three reasons.  (1) he took a long time to answer, (2)
he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually, I prefer the IBM version of this joke...

A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Atlanta.  It's
totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small
electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments
and the radio.  The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when
suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building.

He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have
roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where
are we?"

The person responds "In an airplane!"

The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a
perfect landing at Atlanta International.

As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the
pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't
understand how the response you got was any use."

"Simple," responded the pilot.  "I got an answer that was completely
accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be
the IBM building."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 (I'm not sure if the following one is a true story or not)
    The great logician Bertrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?)
once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1.
    So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok.  Prove that
you're the Pope."
    He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one.  The Pope
is one.  Therefore, the Pope and I are one."

[NOTE: The following is from merritt@Gendev.slc.paramax.com (Merritt).
The story about 1+1=1 causing ridiculous consequences was, I believe,
originally the product of a conversation at the Trinity High Table. 
It is recorded in Sir Harold Jeffreys' Scientific Inference, in a note
to chapter one.  Jeffreys remarks that the fact that everything
followed from a single contradiction had been noticed by Aristotle (I
doubt this way of putting it is quite correct, but that is beside the
point).  He goes on to say that McTaggart denied the consequence: "if
2+2=5, how can you prove that I am the pope?"  Hardy is supposed to
have replied: "if 2+2=5, 4=5; subtract 3; then 1=2; but McTaggart and
the pope are two; therefore McTaggart and the pope are one."  When I
consider this story, I am astonished at how much more brilliant some
people are than I (quite independent of the fallacies in the
argument).

Since McTaggart, Hardy, Whitehead, and Russell (the last two of whom
were credited with a variant of Hardy's argument in your post) were
all fellows of Trinity and Jeffreys (their exact contemporary) was a
fellow of St. Johns, I suspect that (whatever the truth of Jeffreys'
story) it is very unlikely that Whitehead or Russell had anything to do
with it.  The extraordinary point to me about the story is that Hardy
was able to snap this argument out between mouthfuls, so to speak, and
he was not even a logician at all.  This is probably why it came in
some people's minds to be attributed to one or other of the famous
Trinity logicians.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE STORY OF BABEL:

In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist.  And they
grew to large numbers and prospered.

One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
as the eye could see.  So they set out in building a Mathematical
edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went.  Further and further
up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the
weight of paradox.

The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
structure reaching to the heavens.  One by one, the Mathematicians
climbed out from under the rubble.  It was a miracle that nobody was
killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all
surprises! they could not understand each other.  They all spoke
different languages.  They all fought amongst themselves and each went
about their own way.  To this day the Topologists remain the original
Mathematicians.

                            - adapted from an American Indian legend
                              of the Mound Of Babel

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Methods of Mathematical Proof

This is from _A Random Walk in Science_ (by Joel E. Cohen?):


To illustrate the various methods of proof we give an example of a
logical system.

THE PEJORATIVE CALCULUS

Lemma 1.  All horses are the same colour.
          (Proof by induction)

Proof.  It is obvious that one horse is the same colour.  Let us assume
the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same colour and use this to
imply that k+1 horses are the same colour.  Given the set of k+1 horses,
we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same colour,
by hypothesis.  We remove another horse and replace the first; the k
horses, by hypothesis, are again the same colour.  We repeat this until
by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same
colour.  It follows that since every horse is the same colour as every
other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1).  But since we have shown P(1) to be
true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are
the same colour.

Theorem 1.  Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
            (Proof by intimidation.)

Proof.  Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs
and in front they have fore legs.  This makes six legs, which is cer-
tainly an odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is
both odd and even is infinity.  Therefore horses have an infinite num-
ber of legs.  Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere
there is a horse with a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse of
another colour, and by the lemma that does not exist.

Corollary 1.  Everything is the same colour.

Proof.  The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the
object under consideration.  The predicate of the antecedent of the uni-
versally-quantified conditional 'For all x, if x is a horse, then x is
the same colour,' namely 'is a horse' may be generalized to 'is anything'
without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, 'for all x, if x is
anything, x is the same colour.'

Corollary 2.  Everything is white.

Proof.  If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any parti-
cular substitution instance of it is a true sentence.  In particular
then:  'for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same colour' is
true.  Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for
proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain 'The Stolen White Ele-
phant').  Therefore all elephants are white.  By corollary 1 everything
is white.

Theorem 2.  Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite
number of limbs.

Proof.  We prove this theorem in two parts.  First we note the obvious
fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take
a stand, and therefore they cannot lie).  Hence we have the historically
true sentence, 'If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black
horse Bucephalus.'  But we know by corollary 2 everything is white;
hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse.  Since the conse-
quent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to
be true the antecedent must be false.  Hence Alexander the Great did not
exist.
  We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned
by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river.  He
had two legs; and 'forewarned is four-armed.'  This gives him six limbs,
an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man.
Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander
had an infinite number of limbs.  We have thus proved that Alexander the
Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Several students were asked the following problem:

        Prove that all odd integers are prime.

Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student.  Hey
says "Hmmm...  Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by
induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."

Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends.  The physics
student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I
think I'll try to prove it by experiment."  He continues, "Well, 1 is
prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an
experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...  Well, it seems that
you're right."

The third student to try it was the engineering student, who
responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either.  Let's
see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is
..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Well, it does seem right."

Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too
long doing it.  I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove
it..."  He goes over to his terminal and runs his program.  Reading
the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime,
1 is prime...."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
               9 is not a prime - counter-example - claim is false.

Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
           9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...

Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
          9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...

Computer scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime,
                    7's a prime, ...

Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime,
                               segmentation fault

Gosh, they all overlooked that even 2's a prime!!

I figure that 2 is the oddest prime of all, because it's the
only one that's even!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes
obtuse, but always, he was right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now, for some really bad picture jokes (that I heard at Cal Poly SLO) :

    Q:  What's the title of this picture ?

              ..  .. ____ ..  ..
               \\===/======\\==
                ||  |    |  ||
                ||  |____|  ||
                || (      ) ||
                ||  \____/  ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||    (\    ||
                ||    ) )   ||
                ||  //||\\  ||

    A:  Hypotenuse

-------

    Q:  What quantity is represented by this ?

                 /\         /\         /\
                /  \       /  \       /  \
                /  \       /  \       /  \
               /    \     /    \     /    \
               /    \     /    \     /    \
              /______\   /______\   /______\
                 ||         ||         ||
                 ||         ||         ||

    A:  9,  tree + tree + tree

    Q:  A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ?

    A:  99,  dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree

    Q:  Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings,
        one per tree, how many is that ?

    A:  100,  dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
               + dirty tree and a turd

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college:

        1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      lim      ----
      8->9   \/ 8   = 3

Along the same lines:

     lim   sqrt (3) = 2
     3->4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered
    "Polynomial.  Polygon."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is Quayle-o-phobia?

A: The fear of natural logarithms.
        (Hint: Quayle and the letter "e" made news.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The integral of e to the x is equal to f of the quantity
 u to the n."

     /  x      n
     | e  = f(u )
     /

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A physics joke:

    "Energy equals milk chocolate square"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Von Neumann and Norbert Wiener were both the subject of many dotty
professor stories.  Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply
writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of
solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve
problems.  One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.
Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered,
"Yes".

Wiener was in fact very absent minded.  The following story is told
about him:  When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing
that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT
while she directed the move.  Since she was certain that he would
forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down
the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him.  Naturally,
in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in
his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea,
and threw the piece of paper away.  At the end of the day he went home
(to the old address in Cambridge, of course).  When he got there he
realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved
to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone.
Fortunately inspiration struck.  There was a young girl on the street
and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying,
"Excuse me, perhaps you know me.  I'm Norbert Wiener and we've just
moved.  Would you know where we've moved to?"  To which the young girl
replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget."

The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
story) about the truth of the story, many years later.  She said that
it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!
The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the
dairy industry.

So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant
DNA technicians to build them a better cow.  They assembled this team
of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding.  They requested
rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there
was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years
later, they came back with the "new, improved cow."  It had a milk
production improvement of 2% over the original.

They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around.
They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical
equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they
were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they
got a 5% improvement in milk output.

The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were
subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output.

Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians.  The
foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the
problem.  Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they
could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem.
In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper
with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow.

The plans began:

"A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines:

Consider a spherical cow......"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
Saturday and laid their money down.  Commiserating in the bar after
the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
money.  I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
variations into account.  I did a statistical analysis of their 
previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer.  But
before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet.  Obviously here was a
man who knows something about horses.  They both demanded to know his
secret.

"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
horses were identical and spherical..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Theorem : All positive integers are equal.

Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B,
   A = B.  Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A
   and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.

   Proceed by induction.

   If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
   So A = B.

   Assume that the theorem is true for some value k.  Take A and B
   with MAX(A, B) = k+1.  Then  MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k.  And hence
   (A-1) = (B-1).  Consequently, A = B.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive
government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them
to a western country.  They drove to the airport, forced their way on
board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board.
Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder.  Finally, one of
the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he
would try to fly the aircraft.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out.  The sirens
got louder and louder.  Armed men surrounded the jet.  The would be
pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!
Hurry!!!!!!"

The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
pole in a complex plane."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the
Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour.  The tour guide announces: "On the
right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls."
The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the
right side.  This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently
rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall.  All aboard are
lost.  The moral to this episode is:  always keep your poles off the
right side of the plane.

Caveat:  While this joke mentions Polish people, it is not, in my
opinion, in the category of the infamous Polish jokes.  I hope no one
is offended but only humored.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Hiawatha Designs an Experiment

Hiawatha, mighty hunter,
He could shoot ten arrows upward,
Shoot them with such strength and swiftness
That the last had left the bow-string
Ere the first to earth descended.

This was commonly regarded
As a feat of skill and cunning.
Several sarcastic spirits
Pointed out to him, however,
That it might be much more useful
If he sometimes hit the target.
"Why not shoot a little straighter
And employ a smaller sample?"
Hiawatha, who at college
Majored in applied statistics,
Consequently felt entitled
To instruct his fellow man
In any subject whatsoever,
Waxed exceedingly indignant,
Talked about the law of errors,
Talked about truncated normals,
Talked of loss of information,
Talked about his lack of bias,
Pointed out that (in the long run)
Independent observations,
Even though they missed the target,
Had an average point of impact
Very near the spot he aimed at,
With the possible exception
of a set of measure zero.

"This," they said, "was rather doubtful;
Anyway it didn't matter.
What resulted in the long run:
Either he must hit the target
Much more often than at present,
Or himself would have to pay for
All the arrows he had wasted."

Hiawatha, in a temper,
Quoted parts of R. A. Fisher,
Quoted Yates and quoted Finney,
Quoted reams of Oscar Kempthorne,
Quoted Anderson and Bancroft
(practically in extenso)
Trying to impress upon them
That what actually mattered
Was to estimate the error.

Several of them admitted:
"Such a thing might have its uses;
Still," they said, "he would do better
If he shot a little straighter."

Hiawatha, to convince them,
Organized a shooting contest.
Laid out in the proper manner
Of designs experimental
Recommended in the textbooks,
Mainly used for tasting tea
(but sometimes used in other cases)
Used factorial arrangements
And the theory of Galois,
Got a nicely balanced layout
And successfully confounded
Second order interactions.

All the other tribal marksmen,
Ignorant benighted creatures
Of experimental setups,
Used their time of preparation
Putting in a lot of practice
Merely shooting at the target.

Thus it happened in the contest
That their scores were most impressive
With one solitary exception.
This, I hate to have to say it,
Was the score of Hiawatha,
Who as usual shot his arrows,
Shot them with great strength and swiftness,
Managing to be unbiased,
Not however with a salvo
Managing to hit the target.

"There!" they said to Hiawatha,
"That is what we all expected."
Hiawatha, nothing daunted,
Called for pen and called for paper.
But analysis of variance
Finally produced the figures
Showing beyond all peradventure,
Everybody else was biased.
And the variance components
Did not differ from each other's,
Or from Hiawatha's.
(This last point it might be mentioned,
Would have been much more convincing
If he hadn't been compelled to
Estimate his own components
From experimental plots on
Which the values all were missing.)

Still they couldn't understand it,
So they couldn't raise objections.
(Which is what so often happens
with analysis of variance.)
All the same his fellow tribesmen,
Ignorant benighted heathens,
Took away his bow and arrows,
Said that though my Hiawatha
Was a brilliant statistician,
He was useless as a bowman.
As for variance components
Several of the more outspoken
Make primeval observations
Hurtful of the finer feelings
Even of the statistician.

In a corner of the forest
Sits alone my Hiawatha
Permanently cogitating
On the normal law of errors.
Wondering in idle moments
If perhaps increased precision
Might perhaps be sometimes better
Even at the cost of bias,
If one could thereby now and then
Register upon a target.

W. E. Mientka, "Professor Leo Moser -- Reflections of a Visit"
American Mathematical Monthly, Vol. 79, Number 6 (June-July, 1972)

See also "Applied Dynamic Programming" by Bellman and Dreyfuss, prior to 1962.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the
following question:

"What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it
back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem
on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the
world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell
you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully,
            then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"

Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Economist: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality
           to be an accountant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and
stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he
looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles
of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five
on the table.  Then he became silent for a while again and then told
the following story:

"When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw
Sierpinski.  He was old already then and rather absent-minded.  Once he
had to move to a new place for some reason.  His wife wife didn't trust
him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their
things, she said:
 - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a
   taxi.

She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming
absently.  Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called
for a taxi.  Says Mr. Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye):
 - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine.
 - No, they're TEN!
 - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's non-orientable and lives in the sea?

Mobius Dick.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have
              profound implications to all of science."

Physicist:   "Not quite.  Physics is well on its way without those
              mythical `foundations'.  Just give us serviceable mathematics."

Computer Scientist:
             "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite
              anyway.  Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs."

Mathematician:
             "Forget all that!  Just make your formulae as aesthetically
              pleasing as possible!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Definition:

   Jogging girl scout = Brownian motion.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      lim      sin(x)
    n --> oo   ------ = 6
                 n

Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two male mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very
little about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a
reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence
the second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he
will call her over and ask her a question.  All she has to do is
answer one third x cubed.

She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'?  He repeats `one third x cubed'.

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'?  Yes, that's right, he says.  So she
agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his
point, that most people do know something about basic math.

He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first
laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral
of x squared?'.

The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns
back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was made by Mike Bender and Sarah Herr:

                          MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST

          Count the number of yes's, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6.

----------

                                The Basics

1)  Have you ever been excited about math?
2)  Had an exciting dream about math?
3)  Made a mathematical calculation?
4)  Manipulated the numerator of an equation?
5)  Manipulated the denominator of an equation?
6)  On your first problem set?
7)  Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.?
8)  Worked on a problem set all night?
9)  Had a hard problem?
10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes?
11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours?
12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both
    started and finished them)?
13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night?
14) Taken a math course for a full year?
15) Taken two different math courses at the same time?
16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months?
17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month
    (weekends excluded)?
18) Done a problem set alone?
19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more?
20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more?
21) Was it mixed company?
22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing a problem set?
23) And joined in afterwards?
24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set?
25) Did you eat it all?
26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over you while you
    were doing a problem set?
27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered?
28) Been discovered while doing a problem set?


                           Kinky Stuff

29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science?
30) Applied your math to a soft science?
31) Done an integration by parts?
32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem?
33) Bounded the domain and range of your function?
34) Used the domination test for improper integrals?
35) Done Newton's Method?
36) Done the Method of Frobenius?
37) Used the Sandwich Theorem?
38) Used the Mean Value Theorem?
39) Used a Gaussian surface?
40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)?
41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)?
42) Not used brackets when you should have?
43) Integrated a function over its full period?
44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space?
45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space?
46) Done a change of bases?
47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector?
48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the
    Graham-Schmidt method)?
49) Inserted a number into an equation?
50) Calculated the residue of a pole?
51) Scored perfectly on a math test?
52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you?
53) Used explicit notation in your problem set?
54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set?
55) Padded your own problem set?
56) Been blown away on a test?
57) Blown away your professor on a test?
58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3?
59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane
    did not shoot to infinity?
69) Have you ever understood the following quote:
       "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0
        is an example of a general principle which we have
        encountered:  the kernel of the adjoint of a linear
        transformation is both the annihilator space of the
        image of the transformation and also the dual space
        of the quotient of the space of which the image is
        a subspace by the image subspace."
        (Sternberg & Bamberg's _A "Course" in Mathematics for
        Students of Physics_, vol. 2)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not precisely pure-math, but ...

Fuller's Law of Cosmic Irreversability:

                1 pot T --> 1 pot P
but
                1 pot P -/-> 1 pot T

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the
animal hide with which they made their blanket.  Thus, one woman might
be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as
Squaw of Deer Hide.  This tribe had a particularly large and strong
woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for
her blanket.  This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and
she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was
made.

Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament,
and easily defeated all challengers; male or female.  As the men of
the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other
woman of the tribe extremely jealous.  One year, two of the squaws
petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a
wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as
a team.  In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be
champion wrestler of the tribe.

As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling
as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the
wrestling contest.  As the match began, it became clear that the squaw
had finally met an opponent that was her equal.  The two sons wrestled
and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the
powerful squaw.  Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor.
Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of
the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated
and that he would declare a winner.

The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he
had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner.
While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it
difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship.
After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a
decent match.  Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out
from his teepee, and announced his decision.  He said...

"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and
he will say that on the average he feels fine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his
supply of brains.  The secretary informed him that they had three
kinds of brains available at that time.  Doctors' brains were going
for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $30 per ounce.  And
then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching
$1000 per ounce.

"A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried.  "Why are they so expensive?"

"It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender,
being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve
topologists here."

The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an idea and
performs Dahn surgery upon herself.  She walks into the bar, and the
bartender, who does not recognize her since she is now a different
manifold, serves her a drink.  However, the bartender thinks she looks
familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that
topologist that just came in here?"

To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are three kinds of people in the world;
those who can count and those who can't.

And the related:

There are two groups of people in the world;
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.

And then:

There are two groups of people in the world:
Those who can be categorized into one of two
groups of people, and those who can't.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The world is divided into two classes:
        people who say "The world is divided into two classes",
    and people who say
        The world is divided into two classes:
                people who say: "The world is divided into two classes",
            and people who say:
                The world is divided into two classes:
                        people who say ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What follows is a "quiz" a student of mine once showed me (which she'd
gotten from a previous teacher, etc...).  It's multiple choice, and if
you sort the letters (with upper and lower case disjoint) questions
and answers will come out next to each other.  Enjoy...

 S. What the acorn said when he grew up
 N.                                                     bisects
 u. A dead parrot
 g.                                                     center
 F. What you should do when it rains
 R.                                                     hypotenuse
 m. A geometer who has been to the beach
 H.                                                     coincide
 h. The set of cards is missing
 y.                                                     polygon
 A. The boy has a speech defect
 t.                                                     secant
 K. How they schedule gym class
 p.                                                     tangent
 b. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home
 D.                                                     ellipse
 O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove
 W.                                                     geometry
 r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile
 j.                                                     decagon

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

___  1. That which Noah built.
___  2. An article for serving ice cream.
___  3. What a bloodhound does in chasing a woman.
___  4. An expression to represent the loss of a parrot.
___  5. An appropriate title for a knight named Koal.
___  6. A sunburned man.
___  7. A tall coffee pot perking.
___  8. What one does when it rains.
___  9. A dog sitting in a refrigerator.
___ 10. What a boy does on the lake when his motor won't run.
___ 11. What you call a person who writes for an inn.
___ 12. What the captain said when the boat was bombed.
___ 13. What a little acorn says when he grows up.
___ 14. What one does to trees that are in the way.
___ 15. What you do if you have yarn and needles.
___ 16. Can George Washington turn into a country?


A. hypotenuse              I. circle
B. polygon                 J. axiom
C. inscribe                K. cone
D. geometry                L. coincide
E. unit                    M. cosecant
F. center                  N. tangent
G. decagone                O. hero
H. arc                     P. perpendicular

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag
pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite
frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole.  It kept falling
down, etc.

A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to
remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other:  "Just like a
mathematician!  We need to know the height, and he gives us the
length!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake
slithering by.  "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked.  Mr.
Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply."

The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot.  This
time there were a whole batch of little snakes.  "I thought you said
you could not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake.  "Well, the park ranger
came by and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is
not yet ready.  "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory.  We
are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share
the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is
Pete).  Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is
no need to make such a great fuss.  So Pete leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the  present
inhabitants.  "See, Here is your first room mate.  He has an IQ of
180!"
"Why that's wonderful!"  Says Albert.  "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate.  His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert.  "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful!  We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest
rates are headed?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

97.3% of all statistics are made up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was once a very smart horse.  Anything that was shown it, it
mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about
rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them.  All the
horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the
matter and couldn't.  Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer
engineer) looked at the problem and said,

"Of course he can't do it.  Why, you're putting Descartes before the
horse!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK

1.      I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2.      Isaac Newton's birthday.
3.      I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.  I couldn't
        actually reach it.
4.      I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5.      I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove
        that it converged.
6.      I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7.      I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in
        and ate it.
8.      I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or
        i is the square root of negative one.
9.      I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
        I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10.     I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but
        this morning I couldn't find it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate
you!  I'll differentiate you!!!"  So everybody gets scared and runs
away.  Only one person stays.  The guy comes up to him and says:
"Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!"  And
the other guy says; "No, I am not scared, I am e to the x."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the
differentiation operator.  His friends had him placed in a mental
hospital until he got better.  All day he would go around  frightening
the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate
you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and
said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's  expression
didn't change.  Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies,
stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate
you!", but still the other man had no reaction.  Finally, in
frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!" --
at which point the new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can
differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   /
  |   1
  | -----  = log cabin
  | cabin
 /

        Oops, you forgot your constant of integration.


   /
  |   1
  | -----  = log cabin + C
  | cabin
 /

        And, as we all know,

           log cabin + C = houseboat

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        8                                      5
If lim  - = oo (infinity),  then what does lim - = ?
  x->0  x                                 x->0 x

answer: (write 5 on it's side)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the cat fall off the roof?

Because he lost his mu.  (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boy's Life, May 1973:

Ralph:  Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad:    No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph:  Well, you could try.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do
problems on the blackboard that day.

``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?''

No one raised their hand.  She called on Tommy, and with some help he
finally got it right.

``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?''

Students hid their faces.  She called on Mark, who got the problem but
there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

``Who would like to do the third problem, division?''

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at
nothing in particular.  The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right
(she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends).

``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?''

Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room.  Mrs. Johnson
finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.  ``Why the
enthusiasm, Tim?''

``God said to go fourth and multiply!''

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                  Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Higher Math

          The following is a guide to the weary student of mathematics who
          is often confronted with terms which are commonly used but rarely
          defined.  In the search for proper definitions for these terms we
          found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source.  Thus, we
          followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time
          immortal:  "Wing It."


          CLEARLY:            I don't want to write down all the "in-
                              between" steps.

          TRIVIAL:            If I have to show you how to do this, you're
                              in the wrong class.

          OBVIOUSLY:          I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed
                              this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.

          RECALL:             I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for
                              those of you who erase your memory tapes
                              after every test...

          WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): I'm not about to do all the
                              possible cases, so I'll do one and let you
                              figure out the rest.

          IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: Even you, in your finite wisdom, should
                              be able to prove this without me holding your
                              hand.

          CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the
                              proof, so you can do it on your own time.

          SKETCH OF A PROOF:  I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll
                              break it down into the parts I couldn't
                              prove.

          HINT:               The hardest of several possible ways to do a
                              proof.

          BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): Four special cases, three counting
                              arguments, two long inductions, "and a
                              partridge in a pair tree."

          SOFT PROOF:         One third less filling (of the page) than
                              your regular proof, but it requires two extra
                              years of course work just to understand the
                              terms.

          ELEGANT PROOF:      Requires no previous knowledge of the subject
                              matter and is less than ten lines long.

          SIMILARLY:          At least one line of the proof of this case is
                              the same as before.

          CANONICAL FORM:     4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed
                              recommended this as the final form for their
                              students who choose to finish.

          TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent): If I say this it means that,
                              and if I say that it means the other thing,
                              and if I say the other thing...

          BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to
                              think of it I'm not really sure we did this
                              at all), but if I stated it right (or at
                              all), then the rest of this follows.

          TWO LINE PROOF:     I'll leave out everything but the conclusion,
                              you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.

          BRIEFLY:            I'm running out of time, so I'll just write
                              and talk faster.

          LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board lest
                              I make a mistake.

          PROCEED FORMALLY:   Manipulate symbols by the rules without any
                              hint of their true meaning (popular in pure
                              math courses).

          QUANTIFY:           I can't find anything wrong with your proof
                              except that it won't work if x is a moon of
                              Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses).

          PROOF OMITTED:      Trust me, It's true.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the bayous of Louisiana, there is a small river called the Dirac.
Many wealthy people have their mansions near its mouth.  One of the
social leaders decided to have a  grand ball.  Being a cousin of the
Governor, she arranged  for a detachment of the state militia to serve
as guards and traffic directors for the big doings.  A captain was
sent over with a small company; naturally he asked if there was enough
room for him and his unit.  The social leader replied, "But of course,
Captain!  It is well known that the Dirac delta function has unit
area."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Albert Einstein, who fancied himself as a violinist, was rehearsing a
Haydn string quartet.  When he failed for the fourth time to get his
entry in the second movement, the cellist looked up and said, "The
problem with you, Albert, is that you simply can't count."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a
conference.  Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a
proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their
hats.  When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic
topic.  Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd
talk about the theorem and then didn't.  He replied this was his
standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the
conference.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was a Math/Chem grad student at Princeton in 1973-74, there was
a story going around about a grad student.  This guy was always late.
One day he stumbled into class late, saw seven problems written on the
board, and wrote them down.  As the week went on he began to panic:
the math department at Princeton is fiercely competitive, and here he
was unable to do most of a simple homework assignment!  When the next
class rolled around he only had solved two of the problems, although
he had a pretty good idea of how to solve a third but not enough time
to complete it.

When he dejectedly flung his partial assignment on the prof's desk,
the prof asked him "What's that?"  "The homework."  "What homework?"
Eventually it came out that what the prof had written on the board
were the seven most important unsolved problems in the field.

This is largely an academic legend, at least according to Jan Harold
Brunvand, the author of a series of books on so-called Urban Legends.
He talks about it in his latest book _Curses!  Broiled Again!_ in the
chapter entitled "The Unsolvable Math Problem."  It is, however, based
in some fact.  The Stanford mathematician, George B. Danzig,
apparently managed to solve two statistics problems previously
unsolved under similar circumstances.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following problem can be solved either the easy way or the hard way.

Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is
going at a speed of 50 miles per hour.  A fly starting on the front of
one of them flies back and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles
per hour.  It does this until the trains collide and crush the fly to
death.  What is the total distance the fly has flown?

The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times before it
gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the hard way with pencil
and paper by summing an infinite  series of distances.  The easy way
is as follows:  Since the trains are 200 miles apart and each train is
going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide.
Therefore the fly was flying for two hours.  Since the fly was flying
at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles.
That's all there is to it.

When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately
replied, "150 miles."

"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to
sum the infinite series."

"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann.  "That's how I did it!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they
translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something
entirely different.
                -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize
all those people."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three mathematicians and a physicist walk into a bar.
You'd think the second one would have ducked.  (Ha, that quack's me up!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a young eigensheep?

A lamb, duh!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The world is everywhere dense with idiots."
                - LFS

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician
and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least
amount of fence.  The engineer made the fence in a circle and
proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.  The physicist made
a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is
infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was
certainly a more efficient way to do it.  The Mathematician just
laughed at them.  He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I
declare myself to be on the outside.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving
down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire.  The engineer
says that they should buy a new car.  The mathematician says they
should sell the old tire and buy a new one.  The computer programmer
says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire
fixes itself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A math/computer science convention was being held.  On the train to
the convention, a bunch of math majors and a bunch of computer science
majors were on the train.  Each of the math majors had his/her train
ticket.  The group of computer science majors had only ONE ticket for
all of them.  The math majors started laughing and snickering.

Then, one of the CS majors said "here comes the conductor" and then
all of the CS majors went into the bathroom.  The math majors were
puzzled.  The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got
tickets from all the math majors.  He then went to the bathroom and
knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the CS majors stuck
the ticket under the door.  The conductor took it and then the CS
majors came out of the bathroom a few minutes later.  The math majors
felt really stupid.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had
one ticket for the group.  They started snickering at the CS majors,
for the whole group had no tickets amongst them.  Then, the CS major
lookout said "Conductor coming!".  All the CS majors went to the
bathroom.  All the math majors went to another bathroom.  Then, before
the conductor came on board, one of the CS majors left the bathroom,
knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following is supposedly a true story about Russell.  It isn't
really a math joke since it makes fun of the British hierarchy, but
it's funny anyway....

Around the time when Cold War started, Bertrand Russell was giving a
lecture on politics in England.  Being a leftist in a conservative
women's club, he was not received well at all: the ladies came up to
him and started attacking him with whatever they could get their hands
on.  The guard, being an English gentleman, did not want to be rough
to the ladies and yet needed to save Russell from them.  He said, "But
he is a great mathematician!"  The ladies ignored him.  The guard said
again, "But he is a great philosopher!"  The ladies ignore him again. 
In desperation, finally, he said, "But his brother is an earl!"  Bert
was saved.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another "true" story, kinda like the aforementioned urban legend:

Enrico Fermi, while studying in college, was bored by his math
classes.  He walked up to the professor and said, "My classes are too
easy!"  The professor looked at him, and said, "Well, I'm sure you'll
find this interesting."  Then the professor copied 9 problems from a
book to a paper and gave the paper to Fermi.  A month later, the
professor ran into Fermi, "So how are you doing with the problems I
gave you?"  "Oh, they are very hard.  I only managed to solve 6 of
them."  The professor was visibly shocked, "What!? But those are
unsolved problems!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no
doubt already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations,
the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few
minutes later the physicist understands, too, and chuckles to himself
happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. 
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed
right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite
rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers
this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let
alone funny.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids say the darnedest things.  Some grade school teachers must
agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things
their students have written in papers.  Here are a few examples:

  - The parts of speech are lungs and air.

  - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
    gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

  - (Define H2O and CO2.)  H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold
    water.

  - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then
    forcing it through an aviator.

  - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
    top and you sit on the bottom.

  - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get
    our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

  - One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

  - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until
    it drips into the throat.

  - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

  - The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

  - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and
    up the other.

  - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

  - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
		The World According to Student Bloopers

			     Richard Lederer
			    St. Paul's School

    One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade
through college level.  Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

    The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul-
tivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube.  The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.

    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

    Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He
fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

    Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A myth
is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by
Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.

    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

    In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The government
of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.  When they fought the
Parisians,  the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

    Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
was going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

    Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

    In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-
ature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

    The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes.  Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.  Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.

    The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir-
gin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth exposed herself be-
fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.  Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.  In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-
beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet.  Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
Cervantes.  He wrote "Donkey Hote".  The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost."  Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."

    During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.  When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their was hoops before them.  The Indian squabs carried porposies on
their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies were born.  Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

    One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with-
out stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.  Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

    Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.  He invented elec-
tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country.  Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He said,
"In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.  He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.  On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
a moving picture show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup-
posedl insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.

    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".  Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are flaling off the trees.

    Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English.  He was very large.  Bach died
from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He
was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.

    France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu-
tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned
heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the Spanish gorrilas came
down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to
inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him
any children.

    The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  He reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.

    The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.  Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.  Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
Species".  Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.

    The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 12 Bugs of Christmas
 
 
 For the first bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the second bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the third bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the fourth bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the fifth bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         ask for a dump,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the sixth bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         reinstall the software,
         ask for a dump,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the seventh bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         say they need an upgrade,
         reinstall the software,
         ask for a dump,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the eighth bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         find a way around it,
         say they need an upgrade,
         reinstall the software,
         ask for a dump,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the ninth bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         blame it on the hardware,
         find a way around it,
         say they need an upgrade,
         reinstall the software,
         ask for a dump,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the tenth bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         change the documentation,
         blame it on the hardware,
         find a way around it,
         say they need an upgrade,
         reinstall the software,
         ask for a dump,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the eleventh bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         say it's not supported,
         change the documentation,
         blame it on the hardware,
         find a way around it,
         say they need an upgrade,
         reinstall the software,
         ask for a dump,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
 
 
 For the twelfth bug of Christmas my manager said to me,
         tell them it's a feature,
         say it's not supported,
         change the documentation,
         blame it on the hardware,
         find a way around it,
         say they need an upgrade,
         reinstall the software,
         ask for a dump,
         run with the debugger,
         try to reproduce it,
         ask them how they did it,
         and see if they can do it again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                Alice in UNIX Land
    
    
    Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect
    that everything was not as it should be.  "Program too big to fit in
    memory," it read.

           "Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load
    fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor.  With four megabytes,
    I wish I could use more than 640K."

           "At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white
    consultant) ran across the room.  "Oh my coat and necktie," he said,
    "I'm going to be late for my appointment.  And at one fifty an hour,
    too."  Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and
    disappeared behind her operating system.

           Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor
    before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system.  But
    then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow.  Without hesitating
    a moment, she leaped in after him.

           She found herself in a shiny corridor.  Not knowing what else to
    do, she began walking.  Turning a corner, she found herself facing two
    fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck.  One had "POS"
    embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".

           "I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."

           "Yes," said Positive.

           "Can you help me? asked Alice.

           "No," said Negative.

           "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the
    direction she had been walking.  "Did he go this way?" she asked.

           "No," said Negative.

           She pointed the other way.

           "Yes," said Positive.

           Soon Alice came upon a large brown table.  The Consultant was
    there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that
    Alice did not recognize.  In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep.
    Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."

           Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which
    they were sampling what appeared to be custard.  "Wrong flavor," they
    all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their
    right and graciously took the one being offered on their left.  Alice
    watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she
    approached and sat down.

           Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her
    as if it wanted to be loved.  "Grep," it exclaimed.

           "Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker.  "He's just looking
    for some string."

           "Nroff?" asked the Frog.

           The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and
    a spoon.  "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"

           "It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a
    spoonful.  "Yuck!" she cried.  "It's awful.  What is it?"

           "Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the
    Hacker.

           Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse.  "Who's he?" she asked.

           "That's OS Too," explained the Hacker.  "We've pretty much given
    up on waking him.

           "Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse
    stood up.  "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the
    largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an
    Open Look at..."

           A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up
    angrily.  The Elephant noticed and changed his speech
    accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.

           "Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half
    snickered quietly to themselves.  Just then, OS Too fell over in his
    sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him.  No one
    seemed a bit surprised.

           "What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with
    his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.

           "Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his
    face got red.  "No, no, no! he screamed.  "No one pays one fifty an
    hour to Macintosh consultants!"

           "Awk," said the Frog.

           "Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that
    they will not have to learn."

           "Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean
    secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"

           "Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to
    make them want to switch to UNIX."

           "Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a
    hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?'
    I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."

           "Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow,
    "like Brut, or Rambo."

           "Penix," suggested a Penguin.

           "Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."

           Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.

           "But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the
    shrinkwrap issue?"

           Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving
    their hands in the air and screaming.  Just as suddenly, they all sat
    down again.

    
           "Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back
    to tasting flavors."

           Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong
    flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on
    their right and took the one being offered on their left.

           Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been
    walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

           "Rem," is said, "edlin."

           Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer
    sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."

           "Chkdsk," said the Frog.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                 T h e   V O G O N   N e w s   S e r v i c e

VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH:                       [Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent]
=====================                       [Littleton, MA, USA            ]

COMPUTERWORLD 1 April

                        CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX

    In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson,
    Dennis Ritchie, and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating
    system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April
    Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years.  Speaking at the recent
    UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following:

    "In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T
    Multics project.  Brian and I had just started working with an early
    release of Pascal from Professor Niklaus Wirth's ETH labs in
    Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and
    power.  Dennis had just finished reading _Bored of the Rings_, a
    hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien _Lord of the
    Rings_ trilogy.  As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics
    environment and Pascal.  Dennis and I were responsible for the operating
    environment.  We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as
    complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration
    levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more
    risque allusions.  Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped
    version of Pascal, called 'A'.  When we found others were actually
    trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional
    cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C.  We stopped
    when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:

    for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);

    To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that
    allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension!  We actually
    thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science
    progress back 20 or more years.  Imagine our surprise when AT&T and
    other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C!  It has
    taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
    marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody,
    but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the
    general Unix and C programmer.  In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have
    been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past
    few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly
    bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago."

    Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
    Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time.
    Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools,
    including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they
    had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance
    their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C.  An IBM
    spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a
    hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000,
    merely stating "VM will be available Real Soon Now."  In a cryptic
    statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the
    Pascal, Modula 2, and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that
    P. T. Barnum was correct.

    In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating
    that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates
    concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments.  And IBM
    spokesman have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is
    an internal prank gone awry.
    {COMPUTERWORLD 1 April}
    {contributed by Bernard L. Hayes}

   <><><><><><><>  VNS Edition : 2336   Tuesday  4-Jun-1991  <><><><><><><>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                        The
                                         C
                                Programming Language

                       Brian W. Kernighan o Dennis M. Ritchie

                                a.k.a. "The C Bible"
              As revealed to the prophets Ian Chai and Glenn Chappell

Genesis
Chapter 0
0	In the Beginning Ritchie created the PDP-11 and the UNIX.
1	And the UNIX was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face
of the system programmers.
2	And Ritchie said, "Let there be portability!" And nothing happened, so
Ritchie realized that he had his work cut out for him.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
25	And Ritchie said to Kernighan, "Let us make C in the image of B, after
our own whims: and let it have dominion over the I and the O and all that
runneth upon the UNIX," and it was almost, but not quite so... so he
realized that he had his work cut out for him again.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
Chapter 1
0	Thus the PDP-11 and the UNIX were finished, and all the programs in them.
1	And on the seventh shift Ritchie ended his work which he had made; and
he would have rested on the seventh shift from all the work which he had
made, if it weren't for the system crash.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
Chapter 2
0	Now the COBOL was more verbose than any language of the PDP-11, and he
said unto the programmer, "Yea, hath the Manual said, 'Ye shalt not read
of every device of the network?'"
1	And the programmer said unto the COBOL, "We may read of every device of
the network:
2	But of the registers of the printer in the midst of the network, the
Manual hath said, 'Ye shall not read of it, neither shall ye write to it
without proper protocol, lest ye cause a system crash.'"
3	And the COBOL said unto the programmer, "Ye shalt not surely crash the
system:
4	For Ritchie doth know that in the time slice ye read thereof, then your
I/O shall be opened, and ye shalt be as system operators, accessing locked
accounts with unlimited privileges."
5	And then when the programmer saw that the printer was good for
interfacing, and that it was pleasant to the I (and to the O),...
6	And they realized they were unstructured, so they patched RATFOR
subroutines...
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
The Gospel According to Chai
0	And the Messiah shalt come, born a mere B but to grow up into the
Saviour C, 
1	Wherein true structured programming may be achieved, yea, verily, yet
while being able to do bit shifting.
2	For although the Law (Pascal) hath been given, the Law cannot
  for (i=0; str1[i]!='\0'; i++) str2[i] = (str1[i]>='A' && str1[i]>='Z')?
	str1[i]+32 : str1[i];
but must
	i := 0;
	while (i <= length(str1)) do
	  begin
	  if str1[i] in ['A'..'Z'] then
	    str2[i] := chr( ord(str1[i]) + 32))
	  else
	    str1[i] := str2[i];
	  i := i + 1;
	  end;

The Revelation
0	Yea, in those last days, the Saviour shalt come again, but enhanced, in
the rainment of C++
1	And then shalt the Beast, FORTRAN, and the AntiC, COBOL, be thrown into
the trash HEAP where there is weeping and byting of pins.
2 And all the faithful programmers shalt be led into CRAY where billions
of MIPS are at each one's fingertips.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                        How to program in "C"
                        ---------------------
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
   quite understand.

"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"

                        How to debug a "C" program.
                        ---------------------------
1] If at all possible, don't, let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is usefull, but this is probably
   unfounded. 
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler.  This won't fix
   the bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you
   look bad. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computer Glossary

beta test, v.
         To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
         sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all
         three.  In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta
         test volcanos.

bit, n.
         A unit of measure applied to color.  Twenty-four-bit color
         refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cents,
         or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
         ago.
    
buzzword, n.
         The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
    
clone, n.
         1. An exact duplicate, as in ``our product is a clone of their
         product.''
         2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in ``their product is
         a clone of our product.''
    
enhance, v.
         To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
    
genlock, n.
         Why he stays in the bottle.
    
guru, n.
         A computer owner who can read the manual.
    
handshaking protocol, n.
         A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
         terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
         occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
    
italic, adj.
         Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
         Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are
         often slanted to the left.
    
Japan, n.
         A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic
         imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using
         black magic.  It is said that in the capital city of
         Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor
         chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the
         happy natives.
    
kern, v.
         1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
         of corn.
         2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
         metal object used as part of the monetary system.
    
modem, adj.
         Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in ``Thoroughly Modem Millie.''  An
         unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
    
pixel, n.
         A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen
         displays.  The computer industry has frequently borrowed from
         mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the
         demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the
         marketing department.
    
prototype, n.
         First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed
         by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release
         version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its
         successors, the prototype is not expected to work.
    
revolutionary, adj.
         Repackaged.
    
Unix, n.
         A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
         impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
         with the workstation harem.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
/Earth is 98% full...  please delete anyone you can.
1 bull, 3 cows.
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
A bad random number generator:  1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A CONS is an object which cares.  -- Bernie Greenberg
A list is only as strong as its weakest link.  -- Don Knuth
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All computers run at the same speed...  with the power off.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers.  Many do.  -- Ted Nelson
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.  -- Kulawiec
APL is a write-only language.  -- Roy Keir
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.  -- Weisert
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.  -- Tom Lehrer
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.  -- Leonard Brandwein
Brain fried -- core dumped.
Breakthrough:  It finally booted on the first try.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Compatible:  Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.  -- Pablo Picasso
Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Disc space -- the final frontier!
Disclaimer:  Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
E Pluribus UNIX.
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Foolproof operation:  All parameters are hard coded.
fortune:  No such file or directory
Futuristic:  It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware:  The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN.  DO YOU WANT TO WAIT?  (Y/N)
How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.
How was Thomas J. Watson buried?  9 edge down.
I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
I bet the human brain is a kludge.  -- Marvin Minsky
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I smell a wumpus.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.  -- Brian Reid
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Lisp Users:  Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
logout
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
Machine-independent:  Does not run on any existing machine.
Manual Writer's Creed:  Garbage in, gospel out.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.  -- R. S. Barton
Meets quality standards:  Compiles without errors.
MIPS:  Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.
Never trust a computer you can't lift.  -- Stan Masor
Nice computers don't go down.
No line available at 300 baud.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.  -- Denning
One if by LAN, two if by C.  -- Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski
One man's constant is another man's variable.  -- Perlis
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten.  -- Jon Bentley
Portable:  Survives system reboot.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Protect your software at all costs -- all else is meat.
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Revolutionary:  Disk drives go round and round.
Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.
SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!  -- Ken Thompson
Shift to the left!  Shift to the right!  Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Software is to computers as yeast is to dough.  -- Chuck Bradshaw
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
Supercomputer:  Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem.  -- Ken Batcher
Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.  -- R. S. Barton
That does not compute.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
The steady state of disks is full.  -- Ken Thompson
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
The world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This login session:  $13.76, but for you:  $11.88.
This screen intentionally left blank.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who can, do.  Those who cannot, teach.  Those who cannot teach, HACK!
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.  -- Robert Heller
Unprecedented performance:  Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Variables won't; constants aren't.  -- Osborn
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't make a program without broken egos.
You depend too much on computers for information.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago.  Tomorrow you will need that version.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have junk mail.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You might have mail.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Your fault -- core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
		Real Computer Scientists Don't Write Code

Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
'programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.)

Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.

Real computer scientists don't write the user interfaces, they merely
argue over what they should look like.

Real computer scientists don't eat quiche. They shun Schezuan food
since the hackers discovered it. Many real computer scientists consider
eating an implementation detail. (Others break down and eat with the
hackers, but only if they can have ice cream for desert.)

If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interactive
debugger, structure editor and extensive cross module type checking,
real computer scientists won't be seen tinkering with it. They may
have to use it to balance their checkbooks, as their own systems can't.

Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write in
anything less portable than a number two pencil.

Real computer scientists don't debug programs, they dynamically modify
them. This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything
dynamic to FORTRAN, COBOL or BASIC.

Real computer scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are
suspicious of it because its compiled. (Only Batch freaks and efficiency
weirdos bother with compilers, they're soooo un-dynamic.)

Real computer scientists play go. They have nothing against the concept
of mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation
detail best left to programmers.

Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value,
but they find it difficult to actually program in, as it is much too
large to implement. Most Computer scientists don't notice this because
they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.

Real computer scientists work from 5 pm to 9 am because that's the only
time they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit
specs. (Real work starts around 2 am when enough MIPS are free for
their dynamic systems.) Real computer scientists find it hard to share
3081s when they are doing 'REAL' work.

Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything
homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.

Real computer scientists like planning their own environments to use
bit mapped graphics. Bit mapped graphics is great because no one can
afford it, so their systems can be experimental.

Real computer scientists regret the existence of PL/I, PASCAL and LISP.
ADA is getting there, but it is still allows people to make mistakes.

Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always
real impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about;
it sure sounds better than the stuff they are being forced to use now.

Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines
are so poor at I/O.

Real computer scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug
a 3081 attached to a bit map screen to a convention, so no one will
ever know how slow their systems run.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Acronyms for the Pentium
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P rocessor
E rrors
N umbering
T housands
I n
U sers
M achines


===============================================================================


P ractically
E veryone
N ow
T hinks
I t's
U seless for
M ath



##############################################################################



Pentium Jokes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


186,281.9999943024 mph - not just a good idea, it's the law!


==============================================================================


Pentium specification errata:
 
Addition -> Ambition
Subtraction -> Distraction
Multiplication -> Uglification
Division -> Derision; i.e., LDIV -> LDER
 
Please update your manuals.
 
(apologies to Lewis Carroll)
 
-----------
 
Intel has finally located the bug in the Pentium's floating point
unit:
 
It was a praying mantissa.  (Praying for precision, no doubt.)


==============================================================================


On the tee-shirt of an inlined skater in Mountain View:   :-)
 
<Intel Inside logo>
 
"I asked for a refund on my Pentium, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"
 
------------------------
 
The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just
Precision-Impaired.
 
------------------------
 
Intel business executives have been so stressed by staying
up late at night trying to figure out what to do about
the Pentium Problem, that they're past the floating point.
 
------------------------
 
I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today...
 

===============================================================================

 
Did anyone say Bugium? Or did I hear Defectium?
 

===============================================================================

 
   Oh, and by the way -
   Did you know, it was meant to be "Intel" but bit 5 got inverted accidentally
   so it's "iNTEL".
   Why not the full name? Well, look at it this way.  iNTEL LIGENCE
   had too many significant places....                      -------
 

===============================================================================


        I talked to Phil Zimmerman (author of PGP) this evening. Direct quote:
 
        "I am 99.99999512% sure PGP doesn't use any floating point
calculations."


===============================================================================


I pose a Naming Contest for the defective chip.
 
 
Quite a few Post, want Intel to recall it and sell it as P-90sx.
 
That O.K. but I think the should call it P-90 PMS
 
Why?
1) The error does not same dramatic effect everyone.
        Individual who use the P-90 at home mainly for games may never see the
        error or attribute the error to software.
        And some users this bug may be a concern only periodically.
        BUT others who rely on complex math and precise measurement will find
        their lives a living hell with this chip.
 
Disclaimer:
Men have their hormonal cycles also, but ours are invisible and a periodicity
of about 90 days. - Is there connection?


===============================================================================



===============================================================================


>>What's the lattest moto for Intel Corp.'s competitors ?
>>
>>"Divide and conquer"...
>
>
>Yes, yes, yes...
>
>I mean, everyone knows that Intel is less than half of intelligence...
 
Ouch! Owww, awwww, ouch, oops, ouch. Yelp!
 

===============================================================================


I have a 100 MHz Pentium based computer and would like to point out that
- despite of recent negative reports - this machine is highly
rel!##@$%%%&&^\^^^\\#**++~^^@@#$$%%\\\
 

===============================================================================


                    INTEL'S NEW WARRANTY
 
We stand behind our products
 
100*(256-4195385+(4195835/3145727)*3145727)/256
 
percent.



##############################################################################



Pentium commercials:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Pentium commercial: Looking out from inside the computer, through the monitor,
at a couple using a spreadsheet for their expenses.

She: "$100 for videos!"
He: "I don't believe that!"

Well, yeah!


===============================================================================

(Re: the commercial where you "fly" into the computer via the floppy drive)

: : Better yet, put a little tag at the bottom "rendered on a Pentium(tm)"
: : and have the "viewer" crash into the disk slot instead of flying through
: : it.
 
: I could see a view of the processor as you fly by, and instead of 1's and 0's
: coming out of it, there would be "0.99666" "sort of 1", "close enough",
: "27", etc.  coming out of it.
 
Maybe those little power generators or whatever you call them, weren't just an
add. Who knows, Intel's quality control checkers? :)

        "If my calculations are wrong, it's because I 
         bought a Pentium processor"



##############################################################################



Q&A:  THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Q:  How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
 
Q:  What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A:  A mad scientist.
 
Q:  What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A:  Warning label.
 
Q:  What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A:  Successive approximations.
A:  A random number generator)
A:  A really expensive space heater)
 
Q:  What did Intel say to people complaining about Pentiums' FDIV?
A:  "Go forth and multiply, and take the quantum leap."
 
Q:  What is the difference between here and infinity?
A:  Not all that much, really. It won't affect anybody anyway.
 
Q:  Complete the following word analogy:
      Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to
        1)  Divide
        2)  ROUND
        3)  RANDOM
        4)  On a Pentium, all of the above
A:  Number 4.
 
Q:  What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A:  "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
 
Q:  Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A:  Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
 
Q:  According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
    754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic.  If you fly in aircraft
    designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
    "IEEE"?
A:  Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

Q:  What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium?
A:  Repentium.
 
Q:  What does the element Pentium decay into?
A:  Inert silicon with the emission of a press release.
 
Q:  What does FDIV mean?
A:  It's an instruction mnemonic- Fundamentally Defective Instruction Vector.
 
Q:  Sorry, I didn't get that, please decode again. What does FDIV mean?
A:  Functionally Destructive Instigator of Violent results.
 
Q:  Sorry, I didn't get that, please recompute. What does FDIV mean?
A:  Flaming Dumb Intel Violation.
 
Q:  What is the significance of the FDIV error for the general public?
A:  Therapy; millions more people are going to have to go to their 
    psychiatrists when they discover they're not at x * 1/x with themselves.
 
Q:  Please calculate 80486 - 80586. What's the answer?
A:  (a) Infinity, and positive too.
A:  (b) 80286.
 
Q:  What did Intel say to people complaining about Pentiums' FDIV?
A:  "Go forth and multiply, and take the quantum leap."
 
Q:  What is the difference between here and infinity?
A:  Not all that much, really. It won't affect anybody anyway.
 
Q:  Do you know what the difference between a used car salesman and a computer
    salesman?
A:  The used car salesman knows when he is lying.

Q:  Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill being developed as a
    replacement for RU-486???
A:  Its called RU-Preventium.  It causes the embryo to not divide correctly.



##############################################################################



Pentium (and others) Slogans
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pentium: Redefining mathematics!

==============================================================================

Pentium, the computer your kids can relate to:
	It can't do fractions, either.

===============================================================================

AMD's new campaign: 99% Pentium compatible - you don't want the last 1% though.

===============================================================================

New logo for IBM, DEC, HP, Compaq, etc., PC's: 'Intel Aside'

===============================================================================

The 0.000000000001th new Intel slogan for the Pentium:

   We give you the most megaflops.



##############################################################################



Pentium Top 10 Lists
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
 
  9.9999973251   It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
  8.9999163362   It's Close Enough, We Say So
  7.9999414610   Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
  6.9999831538   You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
  5.9999835137   Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
  4.9999999021   We Fixed It, Really
  3.9998245917   Division Considered Harmful
  2.9991523619   Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
  1.9999103517   We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws

  0.9999999998   The Errata Inside


===============================================================================


THE TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A PENTIUM MACHINE

  10. Your current computer is too accurate. 
   9. You want to get into the Guiness book as "Owner of Most Expensive
      Paperweight".
   8. Math errors add zest to life. 
   7. You need an alibi for the I.R.S. 
   6. You want to see what all the fuss is about. 
   5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff. 
   4. The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly. 
   3. You no longer have to worry about CPU overheating. 
   2. You got a great deal from JPL. 

   1. It'll probably work. 



##############################################################################



Pentium Story Jokes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Here at Intel, we are very concerned with correcting the problems with
the Pentium -- both with the flaw itself, and the misperceptions about it.
     We would like to assure our customers that we have run extensive tests,
and have found that, for the typical user doing "random" divides, the problem
should hardly ever arise, and most users will not be affected by this minor
flaw.  However, some of you have failed to be reassured by this.
     We have therefore directed our publicity department to confer with the
engineers, consultants and operators who have been dealing directly with both
the problem itself, and with the public, and produce a film that accurately 
portrays the corporate position and attitude toward the typical user, and the
rigorous tests envisioned by Company executives to make sure that, when we 
say the typical user will not be affected, we know what we're talking about!  
     Our underlings have responded to this directive with amazing alacrity,
and the film is ready.  We hope it clears up any public misconceptions.
     
        [cut to scene of a Pentium PC, with a monkey at the keyboard]


===============================================================================

Casting call for film "Partial Recall"! Suggestions?!!

 
Andy Grove:               ? Carrol O'Connor
Dr. Nicely:               ? Dr. Carl Sagan (billions & bilions of computations)
Betty from Intel:         ? Sharon Stone (good telephone voice)
Director of "Intel Inside" advt. campaign: ? Harrison Ford
Intel "application qualification" officer ? Al Gore (sincere, intelligent) 
Bill Gates:               ? Bill Gates (who else?)
Editor, Business Week     ? Martin Scorsese (another cameo)
Editor, San Jose Mercury: ? Himself
Editor, New York Times tech section ? Sam Neill (Good "I'm amazed!" look [JP])
Nerd computer store salesman:    ? Al Bundy
Conspiracy advocating net hacker ? Oilver Stone
Wise net hacker (who knows what he's doing) ? Phillipe Khan (Borland Pres.)
Dumb net hacker (What's an FDIV) ? Wayne Knight (hacker from Jurassic Park)
Panicky, out of control net hacker ? Kenneth Branagh (with shirt off)
Young net hacker, who discovers 2 digit killer ap ? McCaully McKulkin (SP?)
Lawyer for class action suit against Intel; Robert Shapiro
Hugh Downs on 20/20 (expose episode) : Himself
Barbara Walters on 20/20 episode: Barbra Streisand
?
?
?


===============================================================================

 
To follow up with a poem....
 
        Intel Inside
        ============
 
"Intel Inside!,"
        Intel vied, 
        with ample pride
        world wide
        in guide
        "Proven and tried!".
 
"Intel Inside!"
        Budgets sighed;
        millions buyed; 
        RISC sales dried
        like ancient bride.
 
"Intel Inside?"
        Can't divide!
        Scientists cried,
        fit to be tied,
        and numbers fried.
 
"Intel Inside?"
        Can't divide!!
        Pi's pied
        when FDIV died
        and accuracy denied.
 
"Intel Inside?"
        Can't divide?
        Executives hide
        from "outside"
        during Intel bide
        on warranty decide.
 
"Intel Inside?"
        Can't divide?!!
        See "Thalidomide".
        (Taken for a ride.)
 
Intel lied.
 

===============================================================================


       Will wonders never cease.
 
 
  This is a news flash from the world of
quantum mechanics. 
 
  A new fundamental law of the physical 
universe, called the "Intel uncertainty 
principle," has shaken the very foun-
dations of modern physics.  
 
  Briefly, the principle works something
like this. Give any floating point division 
x/y on an Intel Pentium chip, you can either 
know the exact values x and y, or you can 
know the exact value of the quotient x/y, 
but it is impossible on a Pentium to know 
the precise values of x, y and x/y.  
 
  A wave function Pm(x,y) - an irrational 
solution of the Grove equation (Andy Grove 
was the former president of the chip manu-
facturer Intel) - describes the probability 
of finding the correct solution.  
 
  Thus the new view modern physics is taking 
is that all floating point operations are 
probability wave functions.  
 
  Similarly, the newly discovered P.C. exclu-
sion principle prohibits replacement chips 
from ever occupying the same orbital as the 
original chip, thus effectively making such 
replacement impossible.
 

===============================================================================


After reading numerous postings from people who have been interviewed
by Intel in an attempt to get a replacement for their buggy Pentium,
it is clear that a business opportunity has been created. Anybody who
ever resorted to "Cliff Notes" in high school in order to avoid actually
reading Macbeth will appreciate the parallel:
 
Premise: 
 
A series of scripts will be furnished to the customer, the
purpose of which is to pass the "Intel Quiz" being administered before
you can qualify for a new Pentium.
 
Example of response, before purchasing "Intel Quiz Prep":
 
INTEL: Just what is it that you do with your Pentium-based computer?
 
RESPONSE: Well, I'm an undergraduate in math and I have a number of
school assignments that require accurate floating point
division. Also, to pay the rent, I participate in some small
consulting contracts that require statistical analysis, use a lot of
floating point, and require extremely accurate results.
 
INTEL: Sorry, you don't qualify. You're not a Nobel Laureate. 
 
-------------
 
After preparation with "Intel Quiz Prep", the interrogation might go
like this:
 
INTEL: Just what is it you do with your Pentium-based computer?
 
RESPONSE: Well, I have a consulting contract with Exxon which involves
measuring the statistical probability that one of their tankers will
hit an iceberg. After that Valdez thing, they're pretty touchy about
this stuff. Of course, they do like to cut it pretty tight, and that's
why we use Intel processors to calculate these things.
 
INTEL: Your new Pentium will be FEDEXed out today.
 
RESPONSE: Thank you!
 
--------------
 
This is just one example. 
 
"Intel Quiz Prep" will furnish hundreds of variations, with regular
monthly updates. A couple of late-night commercials and an 800 number,
and it could be a reality.
 
After all, there are a couple million potential customers.
 

===============================================================================


It's a good thing Intel is here in the good old USA where quality is not
taken seriously anymore. Enjoy this clip:
 
*************************************************************************
Subject: Now THIS is Total Quality Management!
 
From an old issue of the Wall Street Journal:
 
     BEIJING - Eighteen factory managers were executed for poor product
quality at Chien Bien Refrigerator Factory on the outskirts of the Chinese
capital. The managers - 12 men and 6 women - were taken to a rice paddy
outside the factory and unceremoniously shot to death as 500 plant workers
looked on.
 
     Minister of Economic Reform spokesman, Xi Ten Haun, said the action was
required for committing unpardonable crimes against the people of China. He
blamed the managers for ignoring quality and forcing shoddy work, saying the
factory's output of refrigerators had a reputation for failure.
 
     For years, factory workers complained that many component parts did not
meet specification and the end product did not function as required.
Complaining workers quoted the plant manager as saying, "Ship it."
Refrigerators are among the most sought-after consumer items in China.
Customers, who waited up to five years for their appliances, were outraged.
 
     "It is understandable our citizens would express shock and outrage when
managers are careless in their attitudes towards the welfare of others." Haun
says. "Our soldiers are justified in wishing to bring proper justice to those
errant managers."
 
   The executed include the plant manager, the quality manager, the
engineering managers, and their top staff.
 
Shooter
 
*************************************************************************
 
Forget a Class Action Suit!


===============================================================================


New and Practical USES for the Pentuim Boob Chip
 
Keep calm everyone out there with a Boob Chip.
  
Assuming the errors occur somewhat randomly.. you can use it happily as
the most powerful random number generator in the world today. Actually this
would be a major technological breakthrough.
 
In the realm of Chaos Theory we find yet another very practical use for your
Chip. You may wish to dedicate your Pentium to furthering research in this
exciting field.
 
For me The Flaw has been a Godsend for my research into Erroneous Results
Sciences.
Are there any of you wishing to join me in researching the accuracy and nature
of totally erroneous results. I need helpers.
 
 
PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT ... VANCOUVER BC  Dec 4 94
 
Bring your Pentiums with you because we're having a Great Competition
in which you have to devise programs or processes that are super fast
and very efficient.The Goal here: The Pentium that comes up with the
wrong answer first gets to have its cooling fans torn off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
              DIFFERENT WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR DISKS
              -------------------------------------------

     ORIGAMI: 
     Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result,
     put the floppy in the disk drive with strength and without pointing at all

     SMOKE:
     Of cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking blow
     directly to your disk. In that way you will be able to destroy it soon,
     and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

     PIRANHAS:
     If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply
     write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen.

     MAGNETS:
     They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper 
     weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can 
     leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making
     sure that they are on.

     MAIL:
     Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it
     to someone, and that's all.

     MAGIC TOUCH:
     Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in 
     your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.

     DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE:
     Archive them without their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and 
     manuals (it is better when the manuals are the VAX/VMS OS 1.00 and its new
     releases).

     DON'T MAKE BACKUPS:
     Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry
     about how to destroy them once you have lost the original

     SUPREME STUPIDITY:
     It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly,
     you'll find new methods to add to this list.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that
  very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
 
  I have solved the mystery.
 
  The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that
  the rest of it is comments.
 
  Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
  follows:
 
  ===
  /* HUMAN_DNA.H
   *
   * Human Genome
   * Version 2.1
   *
   * (C) God
   */
 
  /* Revision history:
   *
   * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
   * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
   * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
   *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
   * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
   *                        elephant-dna.c
   * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
   * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
   * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
   * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
   *                        darker to match my own image.
   * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
   *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
   * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
   * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population
   *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem
   * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
   *                        CD.
   */
 
  /* Standard definitions
   */
 
  #define SEX male
  #define HEIGHT 1.84
  #define MASS 68
 
  /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
   *
   * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
   * inheritance features.
   */
 
  #include "mother.h"
  #include "father.h"
 
  #infndef FATHER
  #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
  #include "bastard.h"
  #endif
 
  /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
   */
  #include <sex.h>
 
  /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
   * library sometime soon.
   */
  struct genitals
     {
  #ifdef MALE
     Penis *jt;
  #endif
     /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
  #ifdef FEMALE
     Vagina *p;
  #endif
     }
 
  /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
   * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
   */
  DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
 
  /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
   *
   * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
   * to display at birth.
   *
   * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
   */
  Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
  ===
 
  ...and so on.
 
 
  [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Richard M. Stallman (RMS, widely known for creating EMACS) is writing
a UNIX clone called GNU (which means Gnu's Not Unix--a recursive acronym).
This seems to open the way to a whole gnu class of jokes.  For example:

Q:  What do you call a person who hacks while wearing no clothes?
A:  A gnudist.

Q:  What do you call an eligible young hacker?
A:  Gnubile.

Q:  What is a hacker's favorite candy?
A:  Gnugat.   (Though it contains little gnutrition.)

Q:  What do you call a computer filled with air?
A:  Gnumatic.

Q:  What do you call a novice hacker who keeps pestering you 
    with foolish questions?
A:  A gnuisance.

Q:  What do you call a subtle, clever hack in the favorite language?
A:  A gnuanCe.

Q:  What do you use a supercomputer for?
A:  Gnumerical analysis.

Q:  What do you call a hacker who collects coins?
A:  A gnumismatist.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
	EMACS may stand for "Editing MACroS," but some friends of mine
suggested some more creative definitions. Here they are. Anyone have
any additions?

--------
Eight
Megabytes
And
Constantly
Swapping

Even a
Master of
Arts
Comes 
Simpler

Emacs
Manuals
Are 
Cryptic and
Surreal

Energetic
Merchants
Always
Cultivate
Sales

Each
Manual's
Audience is
Completely
Stupified

Emacs
Means
A
Crappy
Screen

Eventually
Munches
All
Computer
Storage

Even 
My 
Aunt
Crashes the
System

Eradication of 
Memory
Accomplished with
Complete
Simplicity

Elsewhere
Maybe
Alternative
Civilizations
Survive

Egregious
Managers
Actively
Court
Stallman

Esoteric
Malleability
Always
Considered
Silly

Emacs
Manuals
Always
Cause
Senility

Easily
Maintained with the
Assistance of
Chemical
Solutions

EMACS
MACRO
ACTED
CREDO
SODOM

Edwardian
Manifestation of
All
Colonial
Sins

Generally
Not
Used

Except by
Middle
Aged
Computer
Scientists

Extended
Macros
Are
Considered
Superfluous

Every
Mode
Accelerates
Creation of
Software

Elsewhere
Maybe
All
Commands are
Simple

Emacs
May
Allow
Customised
Screwups

Excellent
Manuals
Are
Clearly
Suppressed

Emetic
Macros
Assault
Core and
Segmentation

Embarrassed
Manual-Writer
Accused of
Communist
Subversion

Extensibility and 
Modifiability
Aggravate
Confirmed
Simpletons

Emacs
May
Annihilate
Command
Structures

Easily
Mangles,
Aborts,
Crashes and
Stupifies

Extraneous
Macros
And
Commands
Stink

Exceptionally
Mediocre
Algorithm for
Computer
Scientists

EMACS
Makes no
Allowances
Considering its
Stiff price

Equine
Mammals
Are
Considerably
Smaller

Embarrassingly
Mundane
Advertising
Cuts
Sales

Every
Moron
Assumes
CCA is
Superior

Exceptionally
Mediocre
Autocratic
Control
System

EMACS
May
Alienate
Clients and
Supporters

Excavating
Mayan
Architecture
Comes
Simpler

Erasing 
Minds
Allows 
Complete
Submission

Every
Male
Adolescent
Craves
Sex

Elephantine
Memory
Absolutely
Considered
Sine que non

Emacs 
Makers
Are
Crazy
Sickos

Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo-
Macros
Are
Completely
Slow

Experience the
Mildest
Ad
Campaign ever
Seen

Emacs
Makefiles
Annihilate
C-
Shells

Eradication of
Memory
Accomplished with
Complete
Simplicity

Emetic
Macros
Assault
Core and
Segmentation

Epileptic
MLisp
Aggravates
Compiler
Seizures

Eleven thousand
Monkeys
Asynchronously
Crank out these
Slogans
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE HACKER TEST - Version 1.0
 
Preface:  06.16.89
 
This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela
Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989.  It has gone through
many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go
through many more.
 
 
(Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom,
cunningly disguised as a test.)
 
 
Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each
question that you can answer correctly.
 
 
If you score is between:                    You are
 
0x000 and 0x010       ->         Computer Illiterate
0x011 and 0x040       ->         a User
0x041 and 0x080       ->         an Operator
0x081 and 0x0C0       ->         a Nerd
0x0C1 and 0x100       ->         a Hacker
0x101 and 0x180       ->         a Guru
0x181 and 0x200       ->         a Wizard
 
Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here.
 
 
And now for the questions...
 
 
0001 Have you ever used a computer?
0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously?
0003 ... more than 8 hours?
0004 ... more than 16 hours?
0005 ... more than 32 hours?
 
0006 Have you ever patched paper tape?
 
0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming?
0008 ... Missed an examination?
0009 ... Missed a wedding?
0010 ... Missed your own wedding?
 
0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated?
0012 ... Did it make sense the next day?
 
0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator?
 
0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment?
 
0015 Ever change the value of 4?
0016 ... Unintentionally?
0017 ... In a language other than Fortran?
 
0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting?
 
0019 Have you named a computer?
 
0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed?
 
0021 Do you eat slime-molds?
 
0022 Do you know how many days old you are?
 
0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza?
 
0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke?
0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it?
 
0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky?
0027 ... Backwards?
 
0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"?
 
0029 Have you seen "Tron"?
 
0030 Have you seen "Wargames"?
 
0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for?
0032 ... EBCDIC?
 
0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal?
0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes?
 
0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex?
 
0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa?
 
0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC?
 
0038 Do you know maxint on your system?
 
0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision?
 
0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order?
0041 ... up to 2**32?
0042 ... up to 2**64?
 
0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
0044 ... feeling the holes?
 
0045 Have you ever patched binary code?
0046 ... While the program was running?
 
0047 Have you ever used program overlays?
 
0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president?
0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken?
 
0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT?
0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT?
 
0052 Have you ever digitized a picture?
 
0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey?
 
0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop?
 
0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort?
 
0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you?
 
0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
0058 ... Did it answer?
 
0059 Can you whistle 300 baud?
0060 ... 1200 baud?
 
0061 Can you whistle a telephone number?
 
0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash?
0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"?
 
0064 Can you build a puffer train?
0065 ... Do you know what it is?
 
0066 Can you play music on your line printer?
0067 ... Your disk drive?
0068 ... Your tape drive?
 
0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar?
0070 ... Is it out-of-date?
 
0071 Do you have a line printer picture of...
0072 ... the Mona Lisa?
0073 ... the Enterprise?
0074 ... Einstein?
0075 ... Oliver?
0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture?
 
0077 Do you know what the following stand for?
0078 ... DASD
0079 ... Emacs
0080 ... ITS
0081 ... RSTS/E
0082 ... SNA
0083 ... Spool
0084 ... TCP/IP
 
Have you ever used
0085 ... TPU?
0086 ... TECO?
0087 ... Emacs?
0088 ... ed?
0089 ... vi?
0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
0091 ... SOS?
0092 ... EDT?
0093 ... Wordstar?
 
0094 Have you ever written a CLIST?
 
Have you ever programmed in
0095 ... the X windowing system?
0096 ... CICS?
 
0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?
 
0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key?
0099 ... Was it the power switch?
 
Have you ever attended
0100 ... Usenix?
0101 ... DECUS?
0102 ... SHARE?
0103 ... SIGGRAPH?
0104 ... NetCon?
 
0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group?
 
0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone?
 
0107 Have you ever seen voice mail?
0108 ... Can you read it?
 
0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary?
 
0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test?
0111 ... Did you fail?
 
0112 Ever drop a card deck?
0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together?
0114 ... Without looking?
 
0115 Have you ever used IPCS?
 
0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer?
 
0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors?
 
0118 Ever interrupted a UPS?
 
0119 Ever mask an NMI?
 
0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system?
0121 ... Intentionally?
0122 ... Do you still work there?
 
0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch?
0124 ... Intentionally?
 
0125 Do you have any defunct documentation?
0126 ... Do you still read it?
 
0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program?
0128 ... Did you find bugs in it?
 
0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?
 
0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone?
 
0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high?
 
0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge?
 
0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software?
0134 ... Vice versa?
 
0135 Ever belong to a user/support group?
 
0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations?
 
0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper?
0138 ... Did you get away with it?
 
0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning?
 
0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language?
 
0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software?
 
0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test?
 
0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch?
0144 ... To bed?
 
0145 Ever patch a microcode bug?
0146 ... around a microcode bug?
 
0147 Can you program a Turing machine?
 
0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head?
 
0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head?
 
0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star?
 
0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers?
 
0152 Have you solved the halting problem?
0153 ... Correctly?
 
0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti?
 
0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program?
 
0156 Ever swapped out the swapper?
 
0157 Can you read a state diagram?
0158 ... Do you need one?
 
0159 Ever create an unkillable program?
0160 ... Intentionally?
 
0161 Ever been asked for a cookie?
 
0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper?
 
* Do you know...
 
0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue?
0164 ... Rogomatic?
 
0165 Do you know Gray code?
 
0166 Do you know what HCF means?
0167 ... Ever use it?
0168 ... Intentionally?
 
0169 Do you know what a lace card is?
0170 ... Ever make one?
 
0171 Do you know the end of the epoch?
0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch?
0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code?
 
0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE?
 
0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout?
0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking?
 
* Do you have...
 
0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars?
0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes?
0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary?
0180 ... Did you contribute to it?
 
0181 Do you have a flowchart template?
0182 ... Is it unused?
 
0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file?
 
0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook?
0185 ... Ever make anything from it?
 
0186 Do you own a modem?
0187 ... a terminal?
0188 ... a toy computer?
0189 ... a personal computer?
0190 ... a minicomputer?
0191 ... a mainframe?
0192 ... a supercomputer?
0193 ... a hypercube?
0194 ... a printer?
0195 ... a laser printer?
0196 ... a tape drive?
0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device?
 
0198 Do you have a programmable calculator?
0199 ... Is it RPN?
 
0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer?
0201 ... 4 computers?
0202 ... 16 computers?
 
0203 Do you have a SLIP line?
0204 ... a T1 line?
 
0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer?
0206 ... Is it legal?
 
0207 Do you have core memory?
0208 ... drum storage?
0209 ... bubble memory?
 
0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space?
0211 ... 256 megabytes?
0212 ... 1 gigabyte?
0213 ... 16 gigabytes?
0214 ... 256 gigabytes?
0215 ... 1 terabyte?
 
0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive?
 
0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library?
0218 ... Is it unlabelled?
 
0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks?
0220 ... 64 floppy disks?
0221 ... 256 floppy disks?
0222 ... 1024 floppy disks?
 
0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks?
 
0224 Do you have an internal stack?
 
0225 Do you have a clock interrupt?
 
0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_?
0227 ... Have you done all the exercises?
0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator?
0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes?
 
0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_?
0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project?
 
0232 Do you have a TTL handbook?
 
0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old?
 
* Career
 
0234 Do you have a job?
0235 ... Have you ever had a job?
0236 ... Was it computer-related?
 
0237 Do you work irregular hours?
 
0238 Have you ever been a system administrator?
 
0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks?
 
0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power?
 
0241 Is your job secure?
0242 ... Do you have code to prove it?
 
0243 Have you ever had a security clearance?
 
* Games
 
0244 Have you ever played Pong?
 
Have you ever played
0246 ... Spacewar?
0247 ... Star Trek?
0248 ... Wumpus?
0249 ... Lunar Lander?
0250 ... Empire?
 
Have you ever beaten
0251 ... Moria 4.8?
0252 ... Rogue 3.6?
0253 ... Rogue 5.3?
0254 ... Larn?
0255 ... Hack 1.0.3?
0256 ... Nethack 2.4?
 
0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic?
 
0258 Have you ever solved Adventure?
0259 ... Zork?
 
0260 Have you ever written any redcode?
 
0261 Have you ever written an adventure program?
0262 ... a real-time game?
0263 ... a multi-player game?
0264 ... a networked game?
 
0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza?
 
* Hardware
 
0266 Have you ever used a light pen?
0267 ... did you build it?
 
Have you ever used
0268 ... a teletype?
0269 ... a paper tape?
0270 ... a decwriter?
0271 ... a card reader/punch?
0272 ... a SOL?
 
Have you ever built
0273 ... an Altair?
0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer?
 
Do you know how to use
0275 ... an oscilliscope?
0276 ... a voltmeter?
0277 ... a frequency counter?
0278 ... a logic probe?
0279 ... a wirewrap tool?
0280 ... a soldering iron?
0281 ... a logic analyzer?
 
0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip?
0283 ... has it been fabricated?
 
0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board?
 
* Historical
 
0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel?
0286 ... from memory?
 
0287 Can you program an Eniac?
 
0288 Ever seen a 90 column card?
 
* IBM
 
0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep?
0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is?
 
0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams?
 
0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are?
 
0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive?
0294 ... off a card reader?
 
0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook?
 
* Languages
 
0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages?
0297 ... 8 languages?
0298 ... 16 languages?
0299 ... 32 languages?
 
0300 Have you ever designed a programming language?
 
0301 Do you know what Basic stands for?
0302 ... Pascal?
 
0303 Can you program in Basic?
0304 ... Do you admit it?
 
0305 Can you program in Cobol?
0306 ... Do you deny it?
 
0307 Do you know Pascal?
0308 ... Modula-2?
0309 ... Oberon?
0310 ... More that two Wirth languages?
0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke?
 
0312 Do you know Algol-60?
0313 ... Algol-W?
0314 ... Algol-68?
0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report?
0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars?
 
0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines?
0318 ... on 4 different machines?
0319 ... on 8 different machines?
 
Do you know
0320 ... APL?
0321 ... Ada?
0322 ... BCPL?
0323 ... C++?
0324 ... C?
0325 ... Comal?
0326 ... Eiffel?
0327 ... Forth?
0328 ... Fortran?
0329 ... Hypertalk?
0330 ... Icon?
0331 ... Lisp?
0332 ... Logo?
0333 ... MIIS?
0334 ... MUMPS?
0335 ... PL/I?
0336 ... Pilot?
0337 ... Plato?
0338 ... Prolog?
0339 ... RPG?
0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)?
0341 ... SETL?
0342 ... Smalltalk?
0343 ... Snobol?
0344 ... VHDL?
0345 ... any assembly language?
 
0346 Can you talk VT-100?
0347 ... Postscript?
0348 ... SMTP?
0349 ... UUCP?
0350 ... English?
 
* Micros
 
0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk?
0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme?
 
0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk?
 
0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk?
 
0355 Ever boot a naked floppy?
 
* Networking
 
0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once?
 
0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country?
0358 ... For any country?
 
0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug?
0360 ... Was it a security hole?
 
0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table?
0362 ... Are you up to date?
 
0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses?
 
0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart?
0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it?
 
0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file?
0367 ... Does it work?
0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep?
 
0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime?
 
* Operating systems
 
Can you use
0370 ... BSD Unix?
0371 ... non-BSD Unix?
0372 ... AIX
0373 ... VM/CMS?
0374 ... VMS?
0375 ... MVS?
0376 ... VSE?
0377 ... RSTS/E?
0378 ... CP/M?
0379 ... COS?
0380 ... NOS?
0381 ... CP-67?
0382 ... RT-11?
0383 ... MS-DOS?
0384 ... Finder?
0385 ... PRODOS?
0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80?
0387 ... Tops-10?
0388 ... Tops-20?
0389 ... OS-9?
0390 ... OS/2?
0391 ... AOS/VS?
0392 ... Multics?
0393 ... ITS?
0394 ... Vulcan?
 
0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive?
0396 ... Off a card reader/punch?
0397 ... Off a teletype?
0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk?
 
0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug?
0400 ... Did you exploit it?
0401 ... Did you report it?
0402 ... Was your report ignored?
 
0403 Have you ever crashed a machine?
0404 ... Intentionally?
 
* People
 
0405 Do you know any people?
0406 ... more than one?
0407 ... more than two?
 
* Personal
 
0408 Are your shoelaces untied?
 
0409 Do you interface well with strangers?
 
0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems
but unable to recite your own?
 
0411 Do you log in before breakfast?
 
0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day?
 
0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"?
 
0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual?
0415 ... *every* operating system manual?
 
0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment?
 
0417 Do you dream in any programming languages?
 
0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects?
 
0419 Do you ignore mice?
 
0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key?
 
0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants?
 
0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall?
 
0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards?
0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home?
 
0425 Have you ever seen the dawn?
0426 ... Twice in a row?
 
0427 Do you use "foobar" in daily conversation?
0428 ... "bletch"?
 
0429 Do you use the "P convention"?
 
0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM?
0431 ... Do you know what it means?
 
0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management?
 
0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office?
 
0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women?
 
0435 Is your license plate computer-related?
 
0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test?
 
0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience?
 
0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer?
 
0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer?
 
* Programming
 
0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler?
0441 ... In TECO?
 
0442 Can you read a machine dump?
0443 Can you disassemble code in your head?
 
Have you ever written
0444 ... a compiler?
0445 ... an operating system?
0446 ... a device driver?
0447 ... a text processor?
0448 ... a display hack?
0449 ... a database system?
0450 ... an expert system?
0451 ... an edge detector?
0452 ... a real-time control system?
0453 ... an accounting package?
0454 ... a virus?
0455 ... a prophylactic?
 
0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program?
0457 ... Did you sell the output?
0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented?
 
0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places?
0460 ... the number e?
 
0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits?
 
0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code?
0463 ... Are you proud of it?
 
0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time?
0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines?
0466 ... 100 lines?
0467 ... Was it in assembly language?
0468 ... Did it work the second time?
 
0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively?
0470 ... Non-recursively?
0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter?
 
0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest?
0473 ... Did it win?
0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule?
 
0475 Do you know Duff's device?
 
0476 Do you know Jensen's device?
 
0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error?
0478 ... More than an hour?
0479 ... More than a day?
0480 ... More than a week?
0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately?
 
* Unix
 
0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix?
0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix?
 
0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual?
 
0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation?
 
0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system?
 
0487 Have you ever built Minix?
 
0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly?
0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"?
 
* Usenet
 
0490 Do you read news?
0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups?
0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups?
0493 ... All the newsgroups?
 
0494 Have you ever posted an article?
0495 ... Do you post regularly?
 
0496 Have you ever posted a flame?
0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting?
0498 ... Ever flame a flame?
0499 ... Do you flame regularly?
 
0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup?
 
0501 Ever forge a posting?
0502 Ever form a new newsgroup?
0503 ... Does it still exist?
 
0504 Do you remember
0505 ... mod.ber?
0506 ... the Stupid People's Court?
0507 ... Bandy-grams?
 
* Phreaking
 
0508 Have you ever built a black box?
 
0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes?
0510 ... and their associated functions?
 
0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it?
 
0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course I never wanted to be a Lumberjack; I wanted to be a
                P R O G R A M M E R

... Writing line after line as they compile within the mighty CPU of the
CRAY-1; the giant CDC 7600, the 370, the mighty 68040 ... with my pocket
protector in my side pocket ... we'd sing ... sing ... sing ...
                     
Oh, I'm a programmer and I'm O.K.
I work all night and I sleep all day
                    
(chorus)He's a programmer and he's O.K.
        He works all night and he sleeps all day
                      
I type in code, I read my dumps, I take them to the lavatory,
On Wednesdays I finish debugging and write thirteen lines of C
                     
(chorus)  He types in code, he prints his dumps, he takes them to the
             lavatory,
          On Wednesdays he finishes debugging and writes thirteen lines
             of C
          He's a programmer and he's O.K.
          He works all night and he sleeps all day
                    
I type in code, I branch and jump, I press the reset button
I write modules in COBOL that don't do nothin'
                     
(chorus)  He types in code, he branches and jumps, he presses the
            reset button
          He writes modules in COBOL that don't do nothin'!?!  Yeecch!
          He's a programmer and he's O.K.
          He works all night and he sleeps all day
                    
I type in code, I spill tape reels, punchcards, and cola
I wish I'd been an ME, just like my dear mama!
                    
(chorus)  He types in code, he spills tape reels, punchcards,
             and ... COLA!?!
          <various outraged and incoherent deprecatory mumblings>
          He's a programmer and he's O.K.
          He works all night and he sleeps all day
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACTION'S LAW
	Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

ALBRECHT'S LAW
	Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

ALLEN'S (or CANN'S) AXIOM
	When all else fails, read the instructions.

BOREN'S FIRST LAW
	When in doubt, mumble.

BOVE'S THEOREM
	The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
	increases as the deadline approaches.

BOWIE'S THEOREM
	If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

BROOK'S LAW
	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO
	It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their money.

CANN'S (or ALLEN'S) AXIOM
	When all else fails, read the instructions.

CARLSON'S CONSOLATION
	Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad
	example.

CLARKE'S THIRD LAW
	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

COHN'S LAW
	The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
	time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend
	all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

CONWAY'S LAW
	In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is
	going on.  This person must be fired.

LAW OF CONTINUITY
	Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail in the same
	way.

CORRESPONDENCE COROLLARY
	An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your
	data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

CROPP'S LAW
	The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent
	in the office.

CUTLER WEBSTER'S LAW
	There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally
	involved, in which case there is only one.

DEADLINE-DAN'S DEMO DEMONSTRATION
	The higher the ``higher-ups'' are who've come to see your demo, the
	lower your chances are of giving a successful one.

DEMIAN'S OBSERVATION
	There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and
	should read ``ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE''.

DENNISTON'S LAW
	Virtue is its own punishment.

DOW'S LAW
	In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the
	confusion.

DR. CALIGARI'S COME-BACK
	A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of
	work without performing a backup.

ESTRIDGE'S LAW
	No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can
	redefine it.

FINAGLE'S LAWS
    1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
    2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake
       it.
    3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
    4) No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his
       pet theory.

FINAGLE'S RULES
    1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you
       start.
    2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
    3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
    4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
    5) Program results should always be reproducible. They should all
       fail in the same way.
    6) Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

FINSTER'S LAW
	A closed mouth gathers no feet.

FIRST RULE OF HISTORY
	History doesn't repeat itself --- historians merely repeat each other.

FRANKLIN'S RULE
	Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be
	disappointed.

GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY
    1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
       find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
       the computer.
    2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
    3) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
       errors, which by definition are limited.
    4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
       cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work
       done.

GINSBERG'S THEOREM
    1) You can't win.
    2) You can't break even.
    3) You can't even quit the game.

GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
	The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've
	got it made.

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
	Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

GOLD'S LAW
	If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

GORDON'S FIRST LAW
	If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing
	well.

GOVERNMENT'S LAW
	There is an exception to all laws.

GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
	Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

GUMMIDGES'S LAW
	The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number
	of statements understood by the general public.

GUMPERSON'S LAW
	The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional
	to its desirability.

HANLON'S RAZOR
	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
	stupidity.

HARP'S COROLLARY TO ESTRIDGE'S LAW
	Your ``IBM PC-compatible'' computer grows more incompatible with every
	passing moment.

HARRISON'S POSTULATE
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

HELLER'S LAW
	The first myth of management is that it exists.

HINDS' LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING
    1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
    5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
    6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
       programmer who must maintain it.
    7) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and
       you will find that programmers cannot write in English.

HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROGRAMS
	Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.

HUBBARD'S LAW
	Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

JENKINSON'S LAW
	It won't work.

JOHNSON-LAIRD'S LAW
	Toothaches tend to start on Saturday night.

LARKINSON'S LAW
	All laws are basically false.

THE LAST ONE'S LAW OF PROGRAM GENERATORS
	A program generator creates programs that are more ``buggy'' than
	the program generator.

LIEBERMAN'S LAW
	Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

LYNCH'S LAW
	When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

MASON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM
	The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

MAY'S LAW
	The quality of correlation is inverely proportional to the density
	of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

MENCKEN'S LAW
	There is always an easy answer to every human problem --- neat,
	plausible, and wrong.

MESKIMEN'S LAW
	There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

MUIR'S LAW
	When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
	everything else in the universe.

MURPHY'S LAWS
    1) If anything can go wrong, it will (and at the worst possible moment).
    2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
    3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.

MURPHY'S FOURTH LAW
	If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one
	that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS
	Things get worse under pressure.

NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the
	time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

NIXON'S THEOREM
	The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone
	he can blame it on.

NOLAN'S PLACEBO
	An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION
	No matter where you are, there you are.

O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
	Cleanliness is next to impossible.

OSBORN'S LAW
	Variables won't, constants aren't.

O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW
	Murphy was an optimist.

PARKINSON'S LAW
	Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

PARKINSON'S LAW (MODIFIED)
	The components you have will expand to fill the available space.

PEER'S LAW
	The solution to a problem changes the problem.

PETER'S PRINCIPLE
	In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his
	incompetence.

THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE
	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

PUDDER'S LAW
	Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of
	Pudder's law is not true.)

RHODE'S COROLLARY TO HOARE'S LAW
	Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine
	struggling to be free.

ROBERT E. LEE'S TRUCE
	Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.

RUDIN'S LAW
	In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses
	of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

RULE OF ACCURACY
	When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to
	know the answer.

RYAN'S LAW
	Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
	yourself as an expert.

SATTINGER'S LAW
	It works better if you plug it in.

SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
	People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either
	one being made.

SHAW'S PRINCIPLE
	Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want
	to use it.

SNAFU EQUATIONS
    1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
    2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
    3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
    4) Interchangeable devices won't.
    5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and
       fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible
       to everyone else.
    6) Badness comes in waves.

STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
	It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

THOREAU'S THEORIES OF ADAPTATION
    1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
       commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
       command structure.
    2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar ``bug'' in
       the system, the system is revised, the ``bug'' taken away, and you're
       left with a useless routine.
    3) Efforts in improving a program's ``user friendliness'' invariable lead
       to work in improving user's ``computer literacy''.
    4) That's not a ``bug'', that's a feature!

THYME'S LAW
	Everything goes wrong at once.

THE LAW OF THE TOO SOLID GOOF
	In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct
	beyond all need of checking contain the errors.
    
    Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either.
    Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice,
	will spot it immediately.

UNNAMED LAW
	If it happens, it must be possible.

WEILER'S LAW
	Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.

WEINBERG'S COROLLARY
	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to
	the grand fallacy.

WEINBERG'S LAW
	If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then
	the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

WHITEHEAD'S LAW
	The obvious answer is always overlooked.

WILCOX'S LAW
	A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

WOOD'S AXIOM
	As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
	life-or-death situation, the power fails.

WOODWARD'S LAW
	A theory is better than its explanation.

ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
	Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use
	a larger can.

More of Murphy's Laws

 Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.

 Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

 Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 Quality assurance doesn't.

 The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
    know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

 Exceptions always outnumber rules.

 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 He who hesitates is probably right.

 The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

 If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

 One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

 A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

 The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
    butter.

 The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

 When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
    weeks to clear.  When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

 The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

 The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

 You never want the one you can afford.

 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
    price.

 If it says ``one size fits all,'' it doesn't fit anyone.

 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

 Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
    weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

 When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
    while all other coins will roll out of sight.

 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.

 Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

 Interchangable parts won't.

 No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

 Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
    incompetence.

 Progress is made on alternative Fridays.

 No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
    session.

 The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

 As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters
    turbulence.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
    them being made.

 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
    illegible.

 A free agent is anything but.

 The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

 Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

 The one item you want is never the one on sale.

 The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
    keys.

 If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
    unreasonable.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
	 Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming

 1.   Any running program is obsolete.
 2.   Any planned program costs more and takes longer.
 3.   Any useful program will have to be changed.
 4.   Any useless program will have to be documented.
 5.   The size of a program expands to fill all available memory.
 6.   The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of output
 7.   The complexity of a program grows until it exceeds the capability of the
      maintainers.
 8.   Information necessitating a change in design is always conveyed to the
      implementors after the code is written.  Corollary:  Given a simple
      choice between one obviously right way and one obviously wrong way,
      it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite 
      subsequent revision.
 9.   The more innocuous a modification appears, the more code it will
      require rewriting.
10.   If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems 
      will malfunction.
11.   Not until a program has been in production for at least six months
      will the most harmful error be discovered.
12.   Interchangeable modules won't.
13.   Any system that relies on computer reliability is unreliable.
14.   Any system that relies on human reliability is unreliable.
15.   Investment in reliability increases until it exceeds the probable 
      cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful
      work done.
16.   Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
17.   There's always one more bug.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a  research grant?
A:  A mad scientist.

Q:  What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
    Pentiums?
A:  The warning label.

Q:  What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A:  Successive approximations.

Q:  Complete the following word analogy:  Add is to Subtract as Multiply
    is to:
        1)  Divide
        2)  ROUND
        3)  RANDOM
        4)  On a Pentium, all of the above
A:  Number 4.

Q:  What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A:  "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q:  Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A:  Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
    585.999983605.

Q:  According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754
    and 854 for floating point arithmetic.  If you fly in aircraft
    designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A:  Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!


TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

  9.9999973251   It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
  8.9999163362   It's Close Enough, We Say So
  7.9999414610   Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
  6.9999831538   You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
  5.9999835137   Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
  4.9999999021   We Fixed It, Really
  3.9998245917   Division Considered Harmful
  2.9991523619   Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
  1.9999103517   We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
  0.9999999998   The Errata Inside


What is the "Intel Inside" sticker they put
on Pentiums?
A:  Warning label.

Q:  What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a
Pentium?
A:  Successive approximations.

Q:  Complete the following word analogy:  Add is to Subtract as
Multiply is to
        1)  Divide
        2)  ROUND
        3)  RANDOM
        4)  On a Pentium, all of the above
A:  Number 4.

Q:  What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating
point divider?
A:  "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of
Intel)

Q:  Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A:  Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.

Q:  According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE
standards 754 and 854 for floating        point arithmetic.  If
you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the
correct
     pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A:   Aaaaaaaiii17   Division Considered Harmful
  2.9991523619   Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating*
Point?
  1.9999103517   We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
  0.9999999998   The Errata Inside


THE TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A PENTIUM MACHINE
============================================

10. YOUR CURRENT COMPUTER IS TOO ACCURATE
9.  YOU WANT TO GET INTO THE GUINNESS BOOK AS  "OWNER OF MOST
EXPENSIVE
     PAPERWEIGHT"
8.  MATH ERRORS ADD ZEST TO LIFE
7.  YOU NEED AN ALIBI FOR THE I.R.S.
6.  YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT
5.  YOU'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE A
PLAINTIFF
4.  THE "INTEL INSIDE" LOGO MATCHES YOUR DECOR PERFECTLY
3.  YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CPU OVERHEATING
2.  YOU GOT A GREAT DEAL FROM JPL

And the #1 reason to buy a Pentium machine:

1.  IT'LL PROBABLY WORK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE AIRLINES

Amiga Airline: The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with
  friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, an
  uneventful takeoff. For the more adventurous: travelers can travel
  on multiple planes and visit multiple destinations all at the same
  time. During these multiple plane trips the user can even take
  a side trip on Mac, DOS, Unix, or Windows airlines.

DOS Airline: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then
  jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again,
  then push again, jump on again and so on.

DOS with QEMM Airline: The same thing but with more leg room to
  push.

Mac Airline: All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage
  handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk
  the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
  told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything
  will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up.

MPE Airline: It's a little difficult to get a ticket because
  you have to sign up for the right plane, specify you want a
  seat to sit in, identify each piece of baggage and list it on
  your ticket, and once you enter the plane you may never see the
  same steward/ess twice. However, once the plane takes off, the
  ride is exceptionally smooth and usually on-time, unless you
  cross a timezone (this results in your being placed in a holding
  pattern for 1 hour until the plane's clock and the local clocks
  are synchronized). Should the unthinkable happen and your flight
  ends in a crash, you will be magically whisked back to the origin
  of the flight where you will be placed on the next plane out.

OS/2 Airline: To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped
  ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you
  fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether it
  should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a
  bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane
  succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful
  trip...except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen
  in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and
  get yourself prepared before the crash.

Windows Airline: The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with
  friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, an
  uneventful takeoff...then the plane blows up without any warning
  whatsoever.

NT Airline: Everyone marches out on the runway, says the
  password in unison, and forms the outline of an airplane. Then
  they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're fly-
  ing.

Unix Airline: Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them
  when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway
  and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly
  about what kind of plane they're building.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Q:  How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 A:  1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people. 
 
 Q:  What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
 A:  A mad scientist.  
 
 Q:  What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker
     they put on Pentiums?
 A:  The warning label.  
 
 Q:  What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
 A:  Successive approximations. 
 
 Q:  Complete the following word analogy:  
 
 Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to:   
 
 1) Divide 
 2) ROUND 
 3) RANDOM 
 4) On a Pentium, all of the above 
 A:  Number 4.  
 
 Q:  Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
 A:  Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 
     585.999983605.  
 
 Q:  According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 
     854 for floating point arithmetic.  If you fly in aircraft designed 
     using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?  
 A:  Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!  
 
 
 TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM 9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, 
 Dammit, not a Bug
  
  8.9999163362 
   
 It's Close Enough, We Say
 So----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes  
 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside  
 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well  
 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 
 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful - No Life-Maintenance Devices 
   Should Be Used With This Processor 
 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?   
 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws And the
 0.9999999998th Slogan Is... The Errata Inside
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
               Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
                   Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
         Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
                   Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1

   With such a large selection of programming languages it can be
difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,
most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
automobiles.

Assembler     - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
                expensive to maintain.
FORTRAN II    - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.
FORTRAN IV    - A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77    - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
                no seat belts.
COBOL         - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work.
BASIC         - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
                upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
                You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I          - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-
                tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and
                fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield
C             - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional
                seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to
                assembler).
ALGOL 60      - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car.
Pascal        - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once
                popular with intellectuals.
Modula II     - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
ALGOL 68      - An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone
                can drive it.
LISP          - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not
                available.
PROLOG/LUCID  - Prototype concept-cars.
Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles.
FORTH         - A go-cart.
LOGO          - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real
                engine and a working horn.
APL           - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of
                passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it
                drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada           - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
                power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.
                No other colors or options are available. If it's good
                enough for the generals, it's good enough for you.
                Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the
                design specification are starting to clear up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
REAL SOFTWARE ENGINEERS DON'T READ DUMPS
 

Real software engineers don't read dumps.   They never generate them, and on
the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.


Real software engineers don't comment their code.  The identifiers are so
mnemonic they don't have to.  

Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement
algorithms.   If someone has an application that the algorithm might help
with, that's nice.  Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.


Real software engineers eat quiche.  

If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't
program in it.  Real software engineers don't program in assembler.  They
become queasy at the very thought.  

Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer,
except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.  

Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are
suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the
machine." 

Real software engineers play tennis.  In general, they don't like any sport
that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a
shower.  (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.)  They will occasionally wear
their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.  

Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity,
but they find it difficult to actually program in.  They don't tell this to
their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow
Unworthy.  

Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
described in the formal spec.   Working late would feel like using an
undocumented external procedure.  

Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been
implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is
available.   This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies
into account.  Machine dependencies make real software engineers very
uneasy.  

Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards
bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet.  

Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in
PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns
out to be difficult to actually RUN these).  

Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC.
PL/1 is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much
built in function.  

Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users,
either.   Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the
implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.  

Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy
hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment.  They have
a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual
at ALL levels.   They would like personal computers (you know no one's going
to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they
need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.  

Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system
administrators.  Consider:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are
   infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves
   make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
   themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
	Instant Philosophy via the use of everyday Unix commands.

Note that the '%' prompt indicates the C shell, while the '$' prompt
indicates the Bourne shell.  Go ahead and try some ...

To use Bourne shell, type the "sh" command (Hit <CTrl-Dto return to
C-shell).  If you are already using Bourne-shell, use "csh" for C-shell.
----------------------------------------------

$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery

$ cat "food in tin cans"
cat: cannot open food in tin cans

$ lost
lost: not found

$ make love
Make:  Don't know how to make love.  Stop.

$ make war
Make:  Don't know how to make war.  Stop.

$ ar x God
ar: God does not exist


% gotta light?
No match.

% mkdir yellow_pages; cat yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory

% !1984
1984: Event not found.                  # (on some systems)

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% "How would you rate Clinton's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
What ->


>%touch me
>%chmod 000 me
>%touch me
>touch: cannot touch me: permission denied

Slightly enhanced version:

% cd /tmp
% touch this; chmod 000 this
% ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
% U this
U: cannot touch this: no write permission

$ ar x "my love life"
ar: my love life does not exist

$ ar x "matey, the treasure"
ar: matey, the tresure does not exist

$ rm God
rm: God nonexistent

$ talk Gorvachev@Kremlin
talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address.

$ talk Comrade Khruchev
[Your party is not logged on]


#####   try the following:
make "bottle open"
make "heads or tails of all this"
make love
make mistake
make sense

man woman
man -kisses dog
==
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
			THE LOGINATAKA
		(Dialogue between a Guru and a Newbie)

Speak, O Guru: How can I become a UNIX Wizard?

O, Nobly Born: know that the Way to Wizardhood is long, and winding,
and fraught with Peril.  Thou must Attune thyself with the Source, 
attaining the arcane Knowledge and Conversation of the System Libraries
and Internals.


Speak, O Guru: What books should I study?  Are the O'Reilly "Nutshell"
guides a good place to start?

O, Nobly Born: know that the O'Reilly books are but the palest Shadow, the 
outermost Portal of the True Enlightenment.

If thou desirest with True Desire to tread the Path of Wizardly Wisdom, first
learn the elementary Postures of Kernighan & Pike's _The_Unix_Programming_
Environment_; then, absorb the mantic puissance of March Rochkind's _Advanced_
Unix_Programming_ and W. Richard Stevens's _Advanced_Programming_In_The_UNIX_
Environment_.  Immerse thyself, then, in the Pure Light of Maurice J.  Bach's
_The_Design_Of_The_UNIX_Operating_System_.  Neglect not the Berkelian Way;
study also _The_Design_Of_The_4.3BSD_UNIX_Operating System_ by Samuel Leffler,
Kirk McKusick et. al.  Consider also the dark Wisdom to be gained from
contemplation of the dread _Portable_C_And_UNIX_Systems_Programming_, e'en
though it hath flowed from the keyboard of the mad and doomed Malvernite whom
the world of unknowing Man misnames "J. E. Lapin".

These tomes shall instruct thy Left Brain in the Nature of the UNIX System;
to feed the other half of thy head, O Nobly Born, embrace also the Lore
of its Nurture.  Don Libes's and Sandy Ressler's _Life_With_UNIX_ will
set thy Feet unerringly upon that Path; take as thy Travelling Companion
the erratic but illuminating compendium called _The_New_Hacker's_Dictionary_
(Eric S. Raymond, ed., with Guy L. Steele Jr.).

(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Camel.)

 
Speak, O Guru: To attain Mastery, how many Kernels do I need to take apart
and reassemble?

O Nobly Born: this question reveals that indeed thou hast touched upon an
Ineffable Truth about UNIX --- that thou canst not Plumb its Mysteries by
mere Study but must become One with it through Practice.  The true Way to the
Knowledge of the Source is not the timid and footling way of the Student,
but the Divine Foolery of the Hacker.  Hack, then; strive against Mighty
Problems, have joy in thy Striving, and let the Crashes fall where they
may (maintaining the while, for the Good of thy Karma, a Rigorous Backup
Policy).

(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Lion.)

In this day of Boot-Time Autoconfiguration and Dynamically Loadable Device
Drivers, reassembling a Kernel is no longer the daunting Test and Seal of
Mastery that once it was.  However, writing and verifying thine own Device
Driver for some piece of Exotic Hardware is still a worthy challenge to
thy Budding Guruhood.


Speak, O Guru: Some there are who claim that the sole Path to Wizardry and the
proper Way of every Right-Thinking Hacker is to rewrite the UNIX Kernel from
Scratch.  Is this not Sacrilege?

Sacrilege, O Nobly Born?  Nay!  Certainly the Source is the Inmost
Mystery of UNIX --- but there is a Mystery beyond that Mystery.  The Nature
of UNIX inhereth not in any one Version but in the Design Tradition of which
all UNIXes are Evolving Parts.  

The Rite of the Rewrite is not the only Path to Mastery, but it is perhaps
the highest and most Sacred of all Paths.  Few indeed are those who, travelling
it, have crossed the dark and yawning Abyss of Implementation to Delivery.
Many, yea, many in truth stagnate yet in the Desert of Delay, or linger ever
in the ghastly limbo called Perpetual Beta.
 

Speak, O Guru: What, then, is the True Path to Wizardhood?
 
O Nobly Born: learn, and seek within thyself.  Cultivate the cunning of
the Serpent and the courage of the Tiger; sup deeply from the Wisdom of
those who came before thee.  Hack, and hack again; grow, by trial and by
error.  Post thy best hacks to the Net and gain in Repute thereby.  Also, O
Nobly Born, be thou grave and courteous in thy speech; be helpful to those
less than thee, quick to succour and slow to flame.

If thou dost these things faithfully, if thou travellest with high heart
and pure intention, soon shall thy callow Newbiehood be shed.  By degrees
imperceptible to thyself shalt thou gain Power and Wisdom, striving and
doing all the while.  Gradually shall thy puissance unfold and deepen.

O Nobly Born, if thou dost all these things, thy Wizardhood shall surely come
upon thee; but not of a sudden, and not until after thy arrogant Mind hath 
more than half forgotten that such was its aim.  For know this --- you may not
by thyself in Pride claim the Mantle of Wizardry; that way lies only Bogosity
without End.

Rather must you Become, and Become, and Become, until Hackers respect thy
Power, and other Wizards hail thee as a Brother in Wisdom, and you wake up and
realize that the Mantle hath lain unknown upon thy Shoulders since you knew
not when.
 
(In this wise shalt thou travel the Way of the Child.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript -   WINDOWS

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
        weakness in the Borg?  And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
        their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
        archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled:
       "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer:
       "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
       'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root
       command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
       unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt.  Won't they alter their
        processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data:  "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version
        of itself known as an 'upgrade'.  The use of resources increases
        exponentially with each iteration.  The Borg will not be able to adapt
        quickly enough.  Eventually all of their processing ability will be
        taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
        functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
        shape' idea."
Data:   "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command
        unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources.  We
        however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
        capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
        'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something
        we missed."
Data:   "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
        Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
        sending in their registration cards.
Riker:  "Captain we have no choice.  Requesting permission to begin emergency
        escape sequence 3F ..."
Geordi, excited:
        "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped
        to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data:   "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
        'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
        functionality."
Riker:  "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
        increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
        increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon
        to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the
        'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data:   "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
        span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data:   "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"

Over the speakers:
        "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.  WE
        HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
        SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE.  YOU HAVE 10
        SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Data:   "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
        thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker:  "Good God captain!  Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg
        ship with no life support suits!  How can they survive deep space?!"
Data:   "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I
        believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
        twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing
        Armani suits!"
Riker and Picard together horrified:
        "Lawyers!!"
Geordi: "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
        the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data:   "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker:  "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with pieces
        of paper."
Data:   "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' -- it
        often proves fatal."
Riker:  "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors.  I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg
        deserve that."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
			"The Worm Before Christmas"
			    by Clement C. Morris

	    (a.k.a. David Bradley, Betty Cheng, Hal Render, 
			Greg Rogers, and Dan LaLiberte)

	Twas the night before finals, and all through the lab
	Not a student was sleeping, not even McNabb.
	Their projects were finished, completed with care
	In hopes that the grades would be easy (and fair).

	The students were wired with caffeine in their veins
	While visions of quals nearly drove them insane.
        With piles of books and a brand new highlighter,
	I had just settled down for another all nighter ---

	When out from our gateways arose such a clatter,
	I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter;
	Away to the console I flew like a flash,
        And logged in as root to fend off a crash.

	The windows displayed on my brand new Sun-3,
	Gave oodles of info --- some in 3-D.
	When, what to my burning red eyes should appear
	But dozens of "nobody" jobs.  Oh dear!

	With a blitzkrieg invasion, so virulent and firm,
        I knew in a moment, it was Morris's Worm!
	More rapid than eagles his processes came,
	And they forked and exec'ed and they copied by name:

	"Now Dasher!  Now Dancer!  Now, Prancer and Vixen!
	On Comet!  On Cupid!  On Donner and Blitzen!
	To the sites in .rhosts and host.equiv
	Now, dash away!  dash away!  dash away all!"

	
	And then in a twinkling, I heard on the phone,
	The complaints of the users.  (Thought I was alone!)
	"The load is too high!"  "I can't read my files!"
	"I can't send my mail over miles and miles!"

	I unplugged the net, and was turning around,
        When the worm-ridden system went down with a bound.
	I fretted.  I frittered.  I sweated.  I wept.
	Then finally I core dumped the worm in /tmp.

	It was smart and pervasive, a right jolly old stealth,
	And I laughed, when I saw it, in spite of myself.
	A look at the dump of that invasive thread
	Soon gave me to know we had nothing to dread.

	The next day was slow with no network connections,
	For we wanted no more of those pesky infections.
	But in spite of the news and the noise and the clatter,
	Soon all became normal, as if naught were the matter.

	Then later that month while all were away,
	A virus came calling and then went away.
	The system then told us, when we logged in one night:
        "Happy Christmas to all!  (You guys aren't so bright.)"


	[ Note:  The machines dasher.cs.uiuc.edu, 
	  dancer.cs.uiuc.ed, prancer.cs.uiuc.edu, etc. have
	  been renamed deer1, deer2, deer3, etc. so as not
	  to confuse the already burdened students who use 
	  those machines. We regret that this poem reflects 
	  the older naming scheme and hope it does not confuse
	  the network adminstrator at your site.  -Ed.]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Problem solving process

                    YES   =============================   NO
             +-----------|| Does the Darn Thing work? ||-----------+
             |            =============================            |
             V                                                     V
        +----------+     +---------+                          +---------+
        |   Don't  |  NO |   Does  |       +-------+     YES  | Did you |
        |   mess   | +---|  anyone |<------|  YOU  |<---------|   mess  |
        | with it! | |   |  know?  |       | MORON |          | with it |
        +----------+ |   +---------+       +-------+          +---------+
             |       V        | YES                                |  NO
             |    +------+    +-----------+                        |
             |    | HIDE |                V                        V
             |    |  IT  |            +--------+             +-----------+
             |    +------+            |  YOU   |        YES  | WILL THEY |
             |       |       +------->|  POOR  |<------------| CATCH YOU?|
             |       |       |        |BASTARD!|             +-----------+
             |       |       |        |________|                   |  NO
             |       |       |             |                       |
             |       |       |             V                       V
             |       |       |      +---------------+        +-----------+
             |       |       |  NO  | CAN YOU BLAME |        |DESTROY THE|
             |       |       +------| SOMEONE ELSE? |        |  EVIDENCE |
             |       |              +---------------+        +-----------+
             |       |                     |  YES                  |
             |       |                     v                       |
             |       |      ============================           |
             |       +---->||           N O            ||<---------+
             +------------>||      P R O B L E M       ||
                            ============================
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
   And now a word from out sponsor ...

              "Here at First National, you're
               not just a number - you're two
               numbers, a dash, three more
               numbers, another dash and
               another number."

   And now the thought for the day ...

   A rose by any other name would likely be
   "deadly thorn-bearing assault vegetation." (Robert Bullock)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                  RED DWARF Series VI Episode 1, "Psirens"

1 Model Shot.

Starfield.  We pan to reveal enormous sun.  After a pause, Starbug
beetles across the disk of the sun.

2 Int. Obs. deck.

Dark.  Various consoles click into life as we pan around the room, and
come to rest on two deep sleep units.  Suddenly, one of them flares with
blue light from the inside, and its hood hisses back, revealing a slowly-
waking, bearded LISTER, wearing soiled long johns.  He sits up.  His
mouth tastes vile.  He notices his fingernails and toenails are six
inches long.  LISTER pads across the room, and starts to cut his nails in
a desk-mounted pencil sharpener.  He catches his reflection in a blank TV
screen.

LISTER: (To his reflection) Who the hell are you?

3 Int. (OB) Starbug engine room.

KRYTEN empties some waste into a large hatch marked 'Waste Compactor' and
presses the start button.  Crushing sounds.  He opens the hatch and takes
out the garbage, now in a perfect cube.

4 Int. Mid-section.

More hi-tech than before.  Light panels line the back wall.  Switches,
radar screens, etc.  There is a large flatbed scanner screen, which
doubles as a table, surrounded by four chairs.  KRYTEN climbs up the
spiral staircase with the waste cube.  LISTER is standing there, looking
a bit nonplussed.

KRYTEN: Welcome back on-line, sir.  How are you feeling?
LISTER: I can't remember anything.  I don't know who I am.  What is this
  place?  Who are you?

As he speaks, KRYTEN places the cube in a waste disposal chute and
launches it into space.

KRYTEN: Ah, you have a touch of amnesia.  That's quite common after such
  a long period in Deep Sleep.  You've been out for just over two hundred
  years.
LISTER: Two hundred years?
KRYTEN: Actually, I woke you last spring, but you absolutely insisted on
  another three months.
LISTER: What did you say my name was?
KRYTEN: Lister, sir.
LISTER: And you are -?

LISTER follows KRYTEN into...

5 Int. Galley.

KRYTEN: Kryten.  I was just preparing your breakfast tray.

LISTER examines the tray.

LISTER: These cornflakes have got grated raw onions sprinkled over them.
KRYTEN: That's how you like them, sir.
LISTER: Do I?  (Sips from glass.  Winces.) This orange juice is
  revolting.
KRYTEN: That's not orange juice, sir.  That's your early-morning pick-me-
  up.  Chilled vindaloo sauce.
LISTER: I drink curry sauce for breakfast?
KRYTEN: Depends on your mood.  If you get up in the afternoon, you often
  prefer to start the day with a can of last night's flat lager.  That's
  why you sleep with a tea strainer by your bed:  to sieve out the cigar
  dimps.
LISTER: I drink, I smoke, I have curry sauce for breakfast?  Raw onions
  on my cereal?  I sound like some barely human grossed-out slime ball.
KRYTEN: Oh excellent, sir.  It's all flooding back then?
LISTER: No.  None of it is.

KRYTEN sets a box in front of LISTER.

KRYTEN: Perhaps these will help.  Your personal artifacts.  You asked me
  to keep them safe.

LISTER takes out a photo.

KRYTEN: Kristine Kochanski.  You dated her for three weeks once.  Before
  she discarded you for a catering officer.
LISTER: She's beautiful.
KRYTEN: It's your ambition, sir, somehow to get her back and lie on top
  of her and move up and down rapidly in that curious way that humans
  find so agreeable.  Personally, I prefer partnership whist.

LISTER takes out a book.

LISTER: Ah!  Wait a minute.  This feels more like it.  Aristotle's
  Metaphysica.  At last -- something wholesome and commendable about me.
KRYTEN: Hardly, sir.  You use that book to hide your secret Polaroid
  collection of naked ex-girlfriends.
LISTER: (Looking through them) God, I went out with a lot of nurses,
  didn't I?
KRYTEN: I don't believe those are authentic uniforms, sir.  Note the
  astonishing brevity of those hemlines.  I believe all those girls are
  imposters, pretending to belong to the medical profession for some
  nefarious purpose as yet unknown.

KRYTEN hands LISTER his guitar.

LISTER: Is this mine?  Do I play the guitar?
KRYTEN: Do you play the guitar?  Do I have a head shaped like an amusing
  ice cube?  Why don't you chock out a few power chords?  See if anything
  comes back to you.

LISTER plucks tunelessly at the strings.

KRYTEN: The Axeman's back!
LISTER: Don't patronize me.  I can't play the guitar.  Anyone with half
  an ear can tell that.
KRYTEN: Please, sir -- you are not yourself at present.  When you're
  fully functional, and your personality's restored, you will firmly
  believe that you can play the guitar like the ghost of Hendrix.
LISTER: Is there something good you can tell me about myself?  Something
  laudable?
KRYTEN: Laudable... Well, you frequently help me with my laundry duties
  by wearing your underpants inside out and extending their wear time by
  three weeks.
LISTER: I'm an animal!  I'm a tasteless, uncouth, tone-deaf, mindless,
  revolting, randy, blokeish, semi-literate space bum.
KRYTEN: (Gives him a bear hug.) Welcome back, Davey!

KRYTEN open the fridge, gets out RIMMER's frozen light bee and pops it
into a pan of boiling water.

LISTER: What's that?
KRYTEN: Mr Rimmer, sir.  He's a hologram, sir.  This is his light bee.
LISTER: Rimmer... He's my best mate, isn't he?
KRYTEN: You _are_ sick, sir.  I'm getting woried.  Maybe a little
  synaptic enhancer will do the trick.

KRYTEN takes out syringe gun and fires it into LISTER's neck.  KRYTEN
takes the light bee out of the water and places it in an egg cup.  And
LISTER follows KRYTEN into

6 Int. Mid-dection.

KRYTEN places the light bee on the scanner and sits in front of the
computer screen on the rearwall.

KRYTEN: Initiating boot-up sequence.

KRYTEN taps some panels on the keyboard, and the light bee flares into
life and hovers out of the egg cup.

KRYTEN: Download physical form.

RIMMER's image crackles into existence around the light bee, in black and
white, with ripples of white noise interference.

KRYTEN: Access personality banks.

On the screen, a bar chart appears.

KRYTEN: Download characteristics.  Load arrogance.

The first bar (a tall one) shrinks towards the bottom of the screen, like
liquid being poured from a vial, to the accompaniment of appropriate
computer sound effects.

KRYTEN: Load charisma.

The second bar (a very, very short one) disppears off the screen with a
single blip!

KRYTEN: Load neuroses.

The next, the longest bar, drains off the screen.  Followed by the next,
and the next, and the next... RIMMER becomes fully formed and colourful.

KRYTEN: Download memory.

As RIMMER recieves his memory, his face contorts into various
combinations of horror, shock, anguish, and occasional brief spasms of
joy.  He gets his bearings.

LISTER: Oh.  _That_ Rimmer.

7 Int. Mid-section.

They are all sitting around the scanner scope.  The CAT is cracking the
head of a boiled mouse in an egg cup.  RIMMER is looking at him aghast.
LISTER is tucking into his cornflakes.

LISTER: Good cornflakes.  Nice and oniony.  Pass me the Tabasco sauce --
  just needs a bit more pep in it.
KRYTEN: Congratulations, sir.  You seem to be on your way to full recall.
  Next thing you know, you'll be convinced you can play the guitar.
LISTER: (Astonished) I can play the guitar!  I'm a diva, man.  I can make
  that lump of wood sing like a Yukon bear trapper on his annual visit to
  the brothel.
CAT: That's as may be, bud.  But the deal stays the same.
LISTER: I know, I know.  If I want to strum my guitar, I have to put on a
  suit and do it in outer space.  Peasants.

LISTER liberally douses the cornflakes with Tabasco, then swigs from the
bottle.

KRYTEN: Suggest we begin the debriefing.  Mr Rimmer?
RIMMER: Thank you Kryten.  Gentlemen, as we're all aware, we have lost
  Red Dwarf.  This is not the time for small-minded, petty recrimination.
  The time for that is when LISTER is court-martialled after we get back
  to Earth.
LISTER: I didn't lose it.
RIMMER: You're the one who parked it, Lister.  You're the one who
  couldn't remember which planetoid you'd left it around.
LISTER: Yeah, but they all look the same, those little blue-green
  planetoids.  They're all sort of little, blue-green and planetoidy.
KRYTEN: Sirs, please, there's no advantage in finger-pointing.  We didn't
  lose Red Dwarf.  Red Dwarf was stolen.  By persons... or life forms
  unknown.
CAT: Who would steal a gigantic red trash can with no brakes and three
  million years on the clock?
KRYTEN: Rogue droids... Genetically engineered life forms... Figments of
  Mr Lister's imagination made solid by some weird space ray.  Who knows?
  The important thing is, after two hundred years of following their
  vapour trail, we have them.
LISTER: What d'you mean?

KRYTEN clears some breakfast things off the scanner screen.

KRYTEN: They've been forced to make a massive detour to circumnavigate
  this asteroid belt.  However, Starbug is small enough to negotiate its
  way directly through the middle.  For the first time in two centuries,
  we have the oppurtunity to head them off at the pass, as it were, and
  recover Holly.
CAT: Well, what are we waiting for?
RIMMER: Without deflectors?  What about Space Corps Directive one-seven-
  four-two?
KRYTEN: One-seven-four-two?  'No member of the Corps should ever report
  for active duty in a ginger toupee'?  Thanks for reminding us of that
  regulation, sir.  But is it really that pertinent in this particular
  situation?
RIMMER: One-seven-four-_three_, then.
KRYTEN: Oh, I _see_.  'No registered vessel should attempt to transverse
  an asteroid belt without deflectors.'
RIMMER: Yes?  God, he's pedantic.
LISTER: Rimmer, check out the supply situation.  (Indicates computer
  printout.) Your hologram's on battery back-up.  We've only got oxygen
  for three months:  water, if we drink re-cyc, seven weeks.  And worst
  of all, we're down to our last two thousand poppadoms.  We're in
  trouble, big time.
RIMMER: You know how unstable these belts are.  Rogue asteroids... meteor
  storms.  One direct hit on that plexiglass viescreen, and our innards
  will be turned inside out quicker than a pair of Lister's old
  underpants.
LISTER: We're out of options, man.  We're taking her in.
KRYTEN: Recommend the Cat pilots.  His superior reflexes and nasal
  intuition will give us our best chance.

CAT, LISTER and KRYTEN stand to leave.

RIMMER: For pity's sake, one breech in that hull, and we're people pate
CAT: There's on ald Cat proverb:  'It's better to live one hour as a
  tiger, than a whole lifetime as a worm.'
RIMMER: There's an old human saying:  'Whoever heard of a wormskin rug?'

8 Model Shot.

Starbug's rear jets flare and it arcs into the asteroid belt.

9 Model Shot.

We see the back of Starbug as it tacks through a narrow gap between two
huge asteroids.

10 Int. Cockpit.

All at their stations.  Tense.  Suddenly, orange light flares from their
right.  CAT wrenches the controls to the left.

11 Model Shot.

A huge lick of flame leaps out at Starbug from a gas geyser on one of the
asteroids.

12 Int. Cockpit.

Starbug nicks the opposite asteroid as it swerves to avoid the flame, and
they all stagger with the impact.

LISTER: Nice stick work, man.

CAT wrinkles his nose.

CAT: Something's coming.
KRYTEN: Nothing on the navicomp.
CAT: I can smell it.  (Peers through screen.) Something big.
LISTER: I'm getting nothing, either.
CAT: These nostrils never lie.
RIMMER: He's right.  Co-ordinates 1746 by 9472.  Take a peek, gentlemen.
  There's a meteor bigger than King Kong's first dump of the day, and
  it's screaming straight towards us.
KRYTEN: It's far too vast to go around.
RIMMER: Reverse thrust.
CAT: There's no time.  Face it -- we're deader than corduroy.
LISTER: Kryten, you know what to do.

KRYTEN; On my way, sir.

RIMMER: Lister.  Given that we've got as much chance of getting out of
  this in one piece as a Jammy Dodger that's been dunked in hot coffee
  and wiggled about for three minutes, perhaps you'd do me the courtesy
  of explaining what he's doing?
LISTER: He souped up the waste disposal.  Filled the eject system with
  rocket fuel, and turned it into a sort of high-impact garbage cannon.
RIMMER: A garbage cannon?  You're going to try and shoot that out of the
  sky with tin cans and a banana peel?
LISTER: There's a thermos of nitro-glycerine in there, too.

KRYTEN picks up a cube of garbage, opens a hatch in the wall marked
'Waste disposal unit 5' and places the cube in the chute inside.

KRYTEN: Waste disposal unit armed, and ready to fire.
RIMMER: Kryten -- will this work?
KRYTEN: Lie Mode.  (pause) Of course it will work, sir.  No worries.
  (Winks to LISTER) Hook, line, sinker, rod and copy of _Angling Times_.
CAT: Here it comes!
LISTER: Bearing zero-seven-niner-two.  Fire!

KRYTEN pulls the waste disposal lever.

13 Model Shot.

The waste cube blasts out of an orifice above Starbug's front lights,
heads straight for the giant meteor, hits it in the middle and blasts it
to pieces.

14 Int. Cockpit.

ALL whoop and cheer, apart from RIMMER who shakes his head in disbelief.

KRYTEN: Relocating Red Dwarf's vapour trail.  Present speed and course,
  estimated time of interception, twelve hours, seven minutes.
CAT: (Sniffs.) Check your screens.  I'm getting something new, and it
  does not smell good.
RIMMER: Enhance four.  Nothing.  Enhance eight... Sixteen.  (Shakes
  head.) Thirty-two... Still nix.  Enhance sixty-four.  Got it.  Some
  kind of ship.
LISTER: Wait a minute.  There's another one.  And another.
KRYTEN: I'm getting them too.  Ten of them... twelve.
RIMMER: All derelict.
LISTER: It looks like this is some kind of spaceship graveyard.

15 Model Shot.

A tiny Starbug flies between a group of asteroids, all with wrecked space
craft embedded in them.

16 Int. Cockpit.

LISTER: Anyone else got the feeling that we've been led here like lambs
  to the kebab shop?
RIMMER: We are not moving another inch until we've found out what brought
  these ships down.
KRYTEN: Recommend we stop engines and launch scouter.

CAT flicks some switches.

CAT: Engines stopped.  Launching scouter.

Sound effects:  scouter launched.  Cut to:

17 OB. Int. Crashed ship.

We are inside.  A laser beam burns a circle in the hull, which falls
inwards, and scouter's search beam pierces the smoke as it hovers through
the hole into the ship.

18 Int. Mid-section.

LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN and CAT hunched over the scanner screen.

KRYTEN: We're in.

19 OB. Int. Crashed ship.

Scouter's POV as it hovers its way through the derelict craft.  Dark and
scary.

20 Int. Mid-section.

LISTER: Scouter, stop.  Go back.  Stop.  Angle, forty-five degrees to
  your left.  Magnify.
CAT: What's that?
RIMMER: Human remains.  Wait.  Angle:  five degrees right.  Ten degrees
  up.  Stop.  There:  some kind of writing on the floor.  P-S-I-R-E-N-S.
  Psirens?
KRYTEN: The poor devil scrawled it in his death throes, using a
  combination of his own blood and even some lengths of his own
  intestines.
RIMMER: Who would do that?
LISTER: Someone who badly needed a pen.
CAT: What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his
  kidney as a full stop.
RIMMER: I don't think he meant that.  It probably just plopped out.
KRYTEN: Whoever he was, clearly he was desperate to warn any poor
  wretches who wandered into the same deadly trap.

They exchange worried looks.

LISTER: Scouter's located the black box.  Replay final entry.

On the screen, white noise, which settles to become...

21 OB. Int. Crashed ship.

All on one shot, overhead, wide angle.  Mad ASTRO, wide-eyed with fear,
talks directly to the camera eating a burger ravenously.

ASTRO: They're closing in.  They're all over the ship.  They've got Hank,
  and Ludo.  Tina, Jerry, Tim, Gordy, Sam.  They even got Jeff.  At least
  I think so:  I found a huge pile of his intestines on his bunk.  Maybe
  the rest of him escaped, I don't know.  What am I saying?  I'm half-
  crazed with fear.  I know I'm next.  It's just a matter of time
  before...

From the doorway behind him, a hideous INSECTOID biped with mandibles
advances towards him.

INSECTOID: (Speaks disgusting, incomprehensible insect language.)
ASTRO: Oh God, you're so beautiful, I can't resist you.  But I have to be
  strong.  I know what you want.
INSECTOID: (Insect talk.)
ASTRO: No, you don't.  You want to love me.  You want to suck out my
  brains with a straw, like you did the rest of them.
INSECTOID: (Insect talk.)
ASTRO: I'm different?  Is that what you said to Jeff?  Just before you
  slurped up the contents of his skull, like it was a double-thick brain
  shake?  Get away from me.

The INSECTOID reaches him.  He backs out of shot, the creature holds up a
metal straw and follows.  The ASTRO screams.  The screen is splattered
with red.

ASTRO: (VO) What have you done, you evil harlot!  You've squeezed all the
  ketchup out of my burger.  Now what!  No!  Get that straw out of my
  ear!

There is a slurping sound and more gunk hits the screen.  The INSECTOID
lurches into view, something grey and slimy dangling from it's mouth.  It
sucks it in like spaghetti, then licks the screen.

22 Int. Mid-section.

The four of them watching the replay on the scanner screen.  Without
changing expression, RIMMER falls backwards out of shot in a dead faint.

23 Model Shot.

Starbug gingerly tacks through the spaceship graveyard.

24 Int. Mid-section.

All seated round the scanner table.  LISTER has a sheaf of papers.

LISTER: OK.  Scouter's checked out black boxes on three of the derelicts.
  This entire belt is swarming with some kind of genetically engineered
  life form who can alter your perception, telepathically.  They're
  called Psirens.  Like with Ulysees in the ancient Turkish legend.
KRYTEN: I believe the legend was Greek, sir.
LISTER: Whatever.  Some country that's big on curly shoes and hoummos.
  the point is, they use this power of illusion to lure you on to the
  asteroids, strip the ship of anything they can use and suck out your
  brains.
RIMMER: They shouldn't bother us, then.  There's barely a snack on board.
KRYTEN: We can't turn back.  We'll lose Red Dwarf.
LISTER: Look, we'll be through the belt in three, maybe four hours.
  We've just got to be on our toes.  They'll try and tempt us, scare us,
  break our morale - anything to force us down on to the rocks.  Just be
  alert.

A wall monitor starts to fizzle with white noise.

CAT: Incoming message.  It's pretty weak.

CAT crosses to the monitor and fine-tunes the controls.  The screen
clears and

25 Int. Cushiony, curtainy area.

Two beautiful TEMPTRESSES appear.

TEMPTRESS 1: Please help us.  Our settlement is almost extinct.  There
  are only women left.
TEMPTRESS 2: Barely three thousand of us.
TEMPTRESS 1: If we are to survive, we need males to spread their seed
  among our number.  We beg you.  Make love to us.
TEMPTRESS 2: Make love to all of us.  Please, we beseech you...

26 Int. Mid-section.

The screen dies.

CAT: You heard 'em -- they want seed-spreaders.  I'm going to apply.  You
  guys deal with this Psiren thing.  I'll deal with this.

CAT dashes into the cockpit.  Pause.  He steps back again.

CAT: Call me paranoid, but you don't think they were these Psiren dude
  things...?

LISTER, RIMMER and KRYTEN nod patiently.

CAT: Even the brunette?

LISTER, RIMMER and KRYTEN nod.

CAT: You don't think there's any chance they're just two nice girls who
  both happen to want my seed for totally legitimate reasons?

LISTER, RIMMER and KRYTEN shake their heads.

CAT: I don't need to tell you this is a big disappointment.  Damn vixens!
  How could they be so cunning?  If anyone wants me, I'll be taking a
  cold shower in liquid oxygen.

CAT exits to cockpit.

RIMMER: Well, if that's the most sophisticated enticement these Psirens
  can throw at us, I hardly think we're exactly in danger of being
  bewitched.
KRYTEN: If I may postulate a theory, sir:  that was merely the level of
  sophistication required to lure the Cat.  And it worked.  Had we not
  stopped him, he would now be on one of those asteroids, crawling around
  without his brain, trying to write 'Oh boy, was _I_ suckered' with his
  own intestinal tract.
LISTER: Look, we'll make it.  All we've got to do is stay on the case.

The screen fizzles.

LISTER: Incoming message.  Here they come again.

The picture is riddled with interference.

27 Int. Ship interior.

A wounded WOMAN looks into the camera.  In the background, through the
smoke, we can vaguely make out that the WOMAN and her companions are
fighting a futile rearguard action.  She is talking into a communicator.

WOMAN: Can anyone read me?  This is Captain Tau of the SCS Pioneer.
  We're under attack from some kind of scavengers -- Psirens.  They lured
  us on to this god-forsaken asteroid -- killed most of the crew.

She turns and lets out a volley of laser fire.

LISTER: Is this genuine?

The WOMAN is shot dead.  A second WOMAN picks up the communicator, and
turns to the screen.

KOCHANSKI: Don't try and help us.  We're finished.  Save yourselves.
LISTER: Kochanski!
KOCHANSKI: Dave?  Is that you?
LISTER: I thought you were dead.
KOCHANSKI: No time to explain.  We're over-run!  Get out of the belt
  while you can!
LISTER: It's Kochanski.
KOCHANSKI: We'll be OK -- they'll never take us alive.  I'm keeping back
  three bullets.  One for me and one for each of the two kids.
LISTER: Kids?
KOCHANSKI: Your two sons, Dave.
LISTER: My sons?  But how...? I don't understand.
KOCHANSKI: When you went into stasis, I broke into the sperm bank, Dave,
  back on Red Dwarf.  You're a father.  (Turns.) Here they come!  (Cocks
  the gun and calls off.) Jim, Bexley, come to Mummy.
LISTER: Wait!  Don't do anything.  I'm coming in.

The screen blanks.

28 Int. Mid-section.

LISTER: Kryten -- get the bazookoids.  Rimmer -- plot a course.

LISTER grabs a space helmet.

RIMMER: Lister, tune into Sanity FM.
LISTER: What?  Are you saying they were... Psirens?
RIMMER: Of course.  It's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up.
LISTER: You're sure?
RIMMER: Come on, Listy, you're giving simpletons a bad name.

CAT leans in from thee cockpit.

CAT: I think you should take a look at this.  Something's heading
  straight for us.
KRYTEN: What is it?
CAT: What do you call one of those giant meteorites that are covered in
  flames?
KRYTEN: A giant, flaming meteorite?
CAT: That's it!

29 Model Shot.

Flaming meteor hurtling through space.

30 Int. Cockpit.

All take up their stations.

KRYTEN: Should I load the garbage cannon?
LISTER: Wouldn't make a dent.
RIMMER: Plot course change.

KRYTEN turns to navicomp.

CAT: Engaging re-heat!
KRYTEN: Wait!  There's nothing on the radar.
RIMMER: So?
KRYTEN: I think it's another illusion.
LISTER: Psirens?
KRYTEN: Cat?  Are you getting any scent from that meteorite?
CAT: Scent?  You think there's going to be a duty-free shop on it?
KRYTEN: Can you _smell_ anything?
CAT: No.  (Looks at RIMMER.) Just a little holo-fear.
KRYTEN: Recommend we maintain current course.  That fire-ball does not
  exist.
RIMMER: Say you're wrong?
KRYTEN: Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.
RIMMER: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.
KRYTEN: No, but I hope to acquire one from this escapade.
LISTER: It's closing.  Too late to run.

The others brace themselves.  KRYTEN remains defiantly erect.

KRYTEN: Relax, gentlemen, we're quite safe.

31 Model Shot.

The flaming meteor hurtles towards Starbug ... and passes harmlessly
through it.

32 Int. Cockpit.

They are momentarily bathed in an orange glow, then back to normal.  They
unbrace.

KRYTEN: Well, I can't hang around saving your necks all day.  Swagger
  mode.

KRYTEN swaggers out.

KRYTEN: Guess I'd better make a start on that ironing.

LISTER follows him.

CAT: (Sniffs the air.) I'm getting another one.  (To RIMMER.) Better get
  Kryten.  He'll tell us what to do.
RIMMER: I'm perfectly capable of dealing with a giant, flaming meteorite,
  thank you so very much.  We do not need to enlist the services of a
  domestic droid with a head shaped like a genetically flawed lumpfish.
CAT:  OK, keep your H on.  So what do we do?
RIMMER: There's nothing on the radar.  It's another illusion.  We do
  nothing.

LISTER and KRYTEN come back in.

LISTER: What's happening, guys?  Cabin temperature's rising.
RIMMER: Psirens again.  Another illusion.  It's all in hand.
KRYTEN: Permission to speak, sir?
RIMMER: Refused.
KRYTEN: What if this time it's a real fireball and the radar read-out
  that's the illusion?
RIMMER: Relax, gentlemen.  We're quite safe.
LISTER: Cat -- chuck a left, man.

They brace themselves, except for RIMMER, who stands nobly erect.

33 Model Shot.

The flaming meteor hurtles towards Starbug ... and smashes into it.

34 Int. Cockpit.

RIMMER gets flung backwards through the cockpit door.  Sparks and smoke
from the consoles.

35 Model Shot. Night.

Starbug crashes on to an asteroid.

36 Int. Cockpit.

LISTER and CAT are putting out small fires on the consoles.  KRYTEN is
checking the computer screen.  RIMMER staggers in.

RIMMER: Any damage?
CAT: Not too bad.  A couple of the sensors are out, fuel-intake chambers
  are both flooded and the left pilot seat doesn't go up and down any
  more.
RIMMER: We came through that intact?
KRYTEN: Starbug was built to last, sir.  This old baby's crashed more
  times than a ZX81.
LISTER: It's the material it's built from.  Aerospace engineers
  discovered that, after a plane crash, the only thing that always
  survives intasct is a cute little doll.  They built Starbug out of the
  same stuff.
CAT: How long before we can take off again?
KRYTEN: Oh, just a matter of ... Wait.  The front landing stanchion is
  embedded in the rock up to its joint.  We're going to have to go out
  there and blast it free.
LISTER: I'll go.
KRYTEN: Sir, the atmosphere is thin, and this place is likely to be
  crawling with Psirens.
LISTER: You sort out the engines.  I'll be out there two minutes,
  maximum.

37 Model Shot. Night.

Crashed Starbug.  Tiny sparks by the front landing leg.  We cut to:

38 Ext. (OB) Asteroid. Night.

Welding gun held by LISTER, in space suit, as he tries to free Starbug's
landing leg.  Attached to the neck of the suit is a breathing pipe, which
looks a bit like a harmonica, from which he occasionally sucks air.  He
stops and presses a communicator button on his wrist.

LISTER: How's that?
CAT: (VO.  Dist.) Looking good.  We'll clear the rest on take-off.
LISTER: On my way back.

LISTER packs his gear.  From behind him, he hears;

PSIREN: Hi, Dave.

LISTER spins to see a PSIREN -- a cross between Catwoman and Barbarella.

LISTER: Smegging heck.  It's Pete Tranter's sister!
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER:  Remember me, Dave?  You lusted after me all
  through your puberty.  There's nothing more potent than an adolescent
  fantasy.  Don't you remember?  You wanted me so badly:  And now, at
  last, I can be yours.

LISTER trains his welding gun on her.

LISTER: Back off, Pete Tranter's sister!  I know what you're after:  it's
  moist and pink and it's inside my head.  And that's where it's staying.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER:  Oh come on, Dave.  You know what you want.  You
  want to squeeze my buttocks together to make one juicy giant peach.
LISTER: I get it.  You're trying to make me drown in my own drool.  Well,
  it won't work.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER:  Don't fight it.

PETE TRANTER'S SISTER advances.  On the ground we see the shadow she
casts is her true form:  the hideous bipedal insectoid we saw before.
LISTER, unaware, swoons and sways, trying to fight his desire.

LISTER: Stay back, Pete Tranter's sister.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER:  How long has it been since you made love to a
  woman?
LISTER: I admit it's been a while.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER:  It's been over three million years, Dave.
LISTER: I prefer to count it in Ice Ages:  then it's just four.  And if
  you count it in _leap_ Ice Ages, it's hardly even one.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER:  That's a long time, Dave, for a man of your
  drives.
LISTER: that's a long time for a Welsh shepherd who's allergic to wool.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER:  Kiss me.

Two-shot:  as the PSIREN approaches LISTER, we see it in its insectoid
form.

LISTER: I can't resist you any more, Pete Tranter's sister.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER:  Your death will be exquisite.  I'll take you to
  the peak of ecstasy, then I'll blow your mind.

We intercut between LISTER passionately necking with PETE TRANTER'S
SISTER and LISTER necking with the hideous INSECTOID PSIREN, including
licking it's swarfega-dripping mandibles.  Slowly, PETE TRANTER'S SISTER
raises a metal straw, like the one we saw in the mad Astro scene, about
to plunge it into his head, when a shot rings out and PETE TRANTER'S
SISTER is hit in the back.  Before LISTER's eyes, the illusion ends and
he sees the INSECTOID PSIREN thrashing around on the ground, squealing in
it's death throes.  He looks up.  KRYTEN holds a smoking bazookoid.

KRYTEN: Come on, Dave -- let's get out of here.

As LISTER walks past him, we see KRYTEN is concealing a metal straw
behind his back.

LISTER: (To himself.) Dave?

Slo-mo:  LISTER spins as the metal straw arcs down towards his head.  He
blasts KRYTEN.  The illusion ends and another INSECTOID PSIREN dies,
jerking and squealing.  LISTER's radio crackles.

KRYTEN: (VO.  Dist.) Sir?  Is everything OK out there?
LISTER: Stand by with the airlock.  I'm coming back.

39 Int. Cockpit.

RIMMER and KRYTEN craning over the mike.

RIMMER: What's the delay?
LISTER: (VO.  Dist.) A couple of Psirens wiped each other out fighting
  over my brains ... Oh, no.  It's the TV weather girl from channel 27.
KRYTEN: Sir.  Fight it!  Don't look at her.
LISTER: (VO.  Dist.) It's not that easy, Kryten -- you can't see what
  she's doing with her pointy stick.
CAT: I'm starting up the engines.
RIMMER: Get back in here.

KRYTEN exits to mid-section.  Over the radio, we hear LISTER firing.

LISTER: (VO.  Dist.) On my way.

CAT starts up the engines.

40 Int. Mid-section.

KRYTEN stands by the airlock, looking at a video monitor.  The monitor
blinks into life and LISTER appears.

LISTER: (VO.  Dist.) It's me.

KRYTEN presses a button.

41 Int. Airlock doors.

The outer airlock doors hiss open (A flat), and through swirling smoke,
LISTER steps in.  He presses the door close button.

LISTER: I'm in.

42 Int. Mid-section.

KRYTEN opens the inner airlock door and closes it as LISTER staggers in.

LISTER: It's getting pretty hairy out there.  Come on -- Let's vamoose.

43 Int. Cockpit.

CAT starts to take off.

44 Int. Mid-section.

As KRYTEN and LISTER head for the cockpit, the airlock monitor fizzes on
again and a SECOND LISTER appears on the screen.

LISTER 2: What the hell are you doing taking off when I'm still outside?
  Let me in.

KRYTEN double-takes between the LISTER inside and the LISTER on the
monitor.

KRYTEN: I'm afraid, sir, you're already here.

RIMMER steps down from the cockpit.

LISTER 1: He's a Psiren -- don't let him in.
LISTER 2: For god's sake -- I can't hang on any longer.  _He's_ the
  Psiren.  Let me in!
RIMMER: What do we do?
KRYTEN: there's no way to tell which is which.  We have to let him in.
RIMMER: That means we'll definitely have one Psiren on board.  A brain-
  sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper.
KRYTEN: There's a fifty per cent chance we have one on board already.  We
  can't risk killing the real Lister.  I'm letting him in.
RIMMER: What about Space Corps directive 5796?
KRYTEN: 5796?  'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted
  to go into combat with pierced nipples'?!? Pardon me, but how does that
  possibly pertain to the current situation?
RIMMER: 5797, then.
KRYTEN: To hell with the regs, sir.  I'm letting him in.

KRYTEN presses the door release.

RIMMER: On your square head be it.

45 Model Shot.

Starbug flying through asteroid belt.

46 Int. Mid-section.

The TWO LISTERS are seated side by side, KRYTEN has a bazookoid trained
on them.  RIMMER watches them warily.  The CAT steps down from the
cockpit with a bazookoid.

CAT: We're on auto.
LISTER 1: How many times?  _He's_ the Psiren.  I'm me.
LISTER 2: How can you believe this for two seconds?  He doesn't even
  _look_ like me.  He's podgy.  He hasn't got my classic profile.
KRYTEN: Sir, you both look identical.

The TWO LISTERS look at each other, then look forward.

LISTER 1 AND 2: (Together.) No way.
KRYTEN: We're going to try some tests.
RIMMER: A series of questions to trick and confuse you.  If you fail to
  answer correctly or for any reason hesitate, you'll be shot.
LISTER 1: Come on, Rimmer, give us a break.
LISTER 2: (Overlapping.) For god's sake, Rimmer, do me a lemon.
RIMMER: Kryten?

KRYTEN throws two apples.  BOTH LISTERS catch them right-handed.

KRYTEN: Both right-handed.  Correct.  You have a tattoo on your left
  buttock, true or false?
LISTER 1 AND 2: (Together) True.
RIMMER: (To LISTER 1) You.  It's dedicated to the one unbending love of
  your life.  Describe the tattoo.
LISTER 1: It's a heart with an arrow through it, and underneath it says
  'I love vindaloo' in dripping curry sauce.
RIMMER: (To LISTER 2) You.  How did you get it?
LISTER 2: Planet leave on Ganymede.  Went on the razz with Petersen.  He
  spiked my cocktail with half a pint of four star petrol.  When I next
  awoke, I'd enrolled as a novice monk in a Ganymedian monastery.  I
  discovered the vindaloo tattoo when I handed in my habit.
RIMMER: Take your shoes and socks off.  Kryten?

KRYTEN puts two pairs of scissors on the scanner top.

RIMMER: Now, gentlemen:  trim your toe nails.

Both LISTERS start biting their toenails.

RIMMER: Enough.

KRYTEN picks up LISTER's guitar and hands it to LISTER 1.

RIMMER: Play the guitar.
LISTER 1: Here?  Inside?
RIMMER: Play it.

LISTER 1 starts playing the guitar.  It is a superb display of
axemanship.  (If we could get some guitar diva to crouch behind Lister
and be his arms, ecstasy.) After about fifteen seconds of astonishing
virtuosity, the music builds to a crescendo and ends.  As the last chord
dies away, KRYTEN and CAT hit LISTER 1 with volley after volley of
bazookoid fire.  The INSECTOID PSIREN writhes and screeches on the floor.

LISTER 2: How did you know that wasn't me?
CAT: 'Cause that dude could play.
LISTER 2: He wasn't any better than me.
KRYTEN: That's how you _believe_ you play, sir.  That's why, when the
  Psiren read your mind, he shared your delusion that you are not a ten-
  thumbed, tone-deaf, talentless noise polluter.
LISTER: Are you seriously saying you think he was better than me?

LISTER picks up the guitar and starts playing.  It's terrible.

LISTER: What's the difference?  If anything, this is slightly better.
CAT: A little survival tip, bud.  Never play your guitar in front of a
  man with a loaded gun.
LISTER: I resent this.  I resent you saving my life in this way.  I won't
  forget this.
RIMMER: Where's it gone?

ALL look down for the PSIREN's corpse.  It has vanished.  A trail of
yellow Psiren blood leads to the spiral staircase.

KRYTEN: It's crawled down to the engine room.

Alert lights flash and a siren whoops.

RIMMER: Meteor storm!  Off the port bow.  It's a biggie.
KRYTEN: Recommend you two stay here and man the cockpit.  Mr Rimmer and I
  will pursue the Psiren.
RIMMER: Um, that's quite a good plan, Kryten.  Excellent in all but one
  detail.  I think you know what it is.  (Waves.) 'Bye.
KRYTEN: There's no time to argue.

KRYTEN heads for the spiral stairs.  The others dash into the cockpit.
After a short pause, the bloodstain trail vanishes, and the wounded
PSIREN drops its illusion of invisibility and re-appears where it fell.

47 Int. (OB) Engine room.

KRYTEN prowls around with his Psi-scan and bazookoid.  He gets an alert
beep on his psi-scan, and rotates.  He looks up.  The wounded PSIREN is
behind him, some distance away.

KRYTEN: Please, I have no desire to hurt you.  Let us set you down on an
  asteroid where your fellow GELFs can attend to your wounds.

The PSIREN rasps insectly.

KRYTEN: There's no logic in trying to engage me in combat.  I am
  unseducible, in that I have no desires or lusts, and my brain is
  synthetic and consequently of no interest to you.  Give yourself up.

KRYTEN looks astonished.  When we cut back, the PSIREN has become a
female scientist, MAMET.

KRYTEN: Professor Mamet?  My creator.
MAMET: Hello, Kryten.
KRYTEN: What is the function of this illusion?

MAMET starts to advance on him.

MAMET: You cannot harm me, Kryten.  It's coded into every cell in your
  body.  You're totally defenceless against me.

KRYTEN lowers his bazookoid and takes out his walkie-talkie.

KRYTEN: True.  However, the others are not so hampered.
MAMET: You are also programmed to obey my every command.  Drop the radio.

KRYTEN involuntarily drops the walkie-talkie.

MAMET: Open the waste compactor.

Against his will, KRYTEN opens the waste compactor we saw earlier.

KRYTEN: What are you doing?
MAMET: Climb inside.
KRYTEN: No!

But he climbs inside.

KRYTEN: This serves no...
MAMET: Engage the mechanism.
KRYTEN: You're sick!

KRYTEN struggles with himself but loses.  He presses the compactor
button.  The hatch closes.

MAMET: Die!

We hear the sound of KRYTEN being crushed.  A silence.  We hear footsteps
on the metal stairs.  MAMET wheels round.  Shot:  LISTER, the CAT and
RIMMER walking along the gantry.

LISTER: Kryten?  You here?  The meteor storm was another illusion.  The
  Psiren's not as badly wounded as we thought.
RIMMER: Kryten?

They spot KRYTEN's psi-scan and bazookoid, abandoned on the floor.

CAT: It's got him.

LISTER picks up the psi-scan and activates it.

LISTER: (Shouts) Kryten?

48 Int. (OB) Another section of engine room.

CAT, LISTER and RIMMER walk down some stairs.  RIMMER suddenly fades to
black and white.

RIMMER: My battery's going.  Only a few seconds left.  Need a recharge...

RIMMER's image vanishes, and his light bee falls to the floor.  LISTER
picks it up and pockets it.

LISTER: And then there were two.

CAT and LISTER round a corner.  We see the INSECTOID PSIREN standing
against a wall.  Bizarrely, CAT and LISTER don't react but walk straight
up to it.

LISTER: (To CAT) Want a drink, man?
CAT: I'm parched.

LISTER stands facing the PSIREN

LISTER: (To CAT) Cola?

From another angle, we see what they see:  a Coke machine.  LISTER
reaches for a button.

LISTER: Wait a minute.  What's a vending machine doing in the engine
  room?

In a flurry of arms, mandibles and probosces, the INSECTOID PSIREN
attacks CAT and LISTER, knocking them both out.  As they lie helpless,
the INSECTOID PSIREN takes out the metal straw.  They are dead meat.

49 Int. (OB) Engine room.

The waste compactor hatch springs open, and KRYTEN drops out.  He has
been compacted into a cube, with short, stumpy legs but no arms.

KRYTEN: You scum-sucking mollusc.  You can't do this to us.

He waddles furiously down the corridor.  He catches sight of them on the
deck below.

50 Int. (OB) Another section of the engine room.

The INSECTOID has the woozy LISTER by the locks, about to plunge the
straw into his brain.  We see CUBED KRYTEN plummet down towards the
INSECTOID.  The INSECTOID looks up, but too late, as CUBED KRYTEN crushes
it.

51 Model Shot. Starbug in Space.

52 Int. Cockpit.

CAT in the pilot seat, LISTER next to him.  RIMMER at navicomp.

RIMMER: That's it -- we're clear of the belt.
LISTER: What about Red Dwarf?
RIMMER: According to the navicomp, it's gone into that gas nebula.
CAT: Then that's where we're heading.

The CUBED KRYTEN waddles in with a tea tray on top of him.

KRYTEN: Tea, anyone?
LISTER: Cheers, man.
KRYTEN: Suggest you don't put your cups on the console, sir.  It leaves
  those ugly little ring marks.  Why not use me as a table?
LISTER: I thought you were going to fix yourself.
KRYTEN: Not until I've performed all my duties, sir.  I can't go
  gallivanting off engaging my self-repair unit, not when there's a pile
  of laundry in the washroom the size of the north face of the Eiger.
  Besides, Cat has invited me to the weekly crap game tonight.
CAT: He's gonna be the dice.
RIMMER: Approaching nebula.
LISTER: Let's see what's in there.

53 Model Shot. Starbug flies into the gas nebula.


                                  The End
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN.

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given
this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform
you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of
the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll,
of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be
the "Malibu Barbie".

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis
of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you
off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter
finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have
submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to
weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let
us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy
load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon
dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956
AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your
proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name
you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be
Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you
seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the
entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at
the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed
in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay
for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex
femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty
9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The manager was very angry with this beginner who wanted a very high
salary. He asked him why he wanted so much money whereas he had no
experience. The beginner replied, "Work is very difficult when you are a
beginner. It becomes easier as you get experience." 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't forget about the electrician's question to his teen-age daughter
when she came home from a date at 2am....

"Wire you insulate?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homey Computer Definitions
------------------------------

DOCUMENT - I be gettin taked to the hospital after gettin beat down by
           the man.  They release me wif no scriptun.  I says, 
           "document to be given me some pain killers, right bro"?

COPIED  - I be drivin and needed 't axe for directshuns.  I be seein 
          the 5-0 man near the alley and goes up to him and be tappin
          him on the shoda.  He be turning round quick and man, that 
          copied all over my shoe.

DISPLAY - Me an my homeboy be checkin out the superbowl on our stoled 
          tv.  I be sayin to my man Rufus, "check out display comin 
          up".

SEQUENCE - I be sayin to my hoe, "bitch, take yo damn wig outside, you
           be gettin sequence all over de damn 'partment"

COMMAND - Momma be standin in de door and yellin, "command eat yo 
          grits!"

DESCENT - I bein chased by de cops wid de dogs and I be runnin through
          the river so de dogs be losin descent.

COMPACT - I be smackin my ol lady in the head fo not givin me my 
          pimpin money.  She says, "yo, compact yo stuff and be gettin
          out!"

DESIGN  - Jarome be drivin de stoled lincoln fast 'cause the cops be 
          chasin his ass.  He be gettin in a big ol accident at de 
          intersection.  I says, "Jarome - didn't you be seein design 
          dat say stop?"

SHOWER - Unknown word.  Nontranslatable.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's 
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.  
Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages 
in third-world countries, and fierce global competition I can only grant 
you one wish.  So...what'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate.  He said, "I want peace in the Middle East.  See 
this map?  I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These 
countries have been at war for thousands of years.  I'm good but
not THAT good.  I don't think it can be done.  So make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like 
my wife.  They think she's a real bitch and ugly as sin.  I wish for her 
to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like 
her.  That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
=================================================================
                     Kennedy Joke File
=================================================================

 Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when asked if he would consider
    ever running for President?
 A: He said he'd have to drive off that bridge when he got to it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: Why were the Kennedys so happy about Arnold Schwartznegger
    marrying into the family?
 A: They're hoping they can create a bullet-proof Kennedy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: Where does Teddy Kennedy go for vacation?
 A: A different bar.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half
    full?
 A: An optimist...
 Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front
    of him as half empty?
 A: Teddy Kennedy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: Why does Teddy Kennedy keep all those empty liquor bottles around
    the campaign office?
 A: In case any non-drinkers drop by.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: What does the Teddy Kennedy office staff do when they
    need to refill the petty cash drawer?
 A: Turn in all of Teddy's empties.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assisiation?
 A1: Now John has brains on the outside of his pants too.
 A2: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: What was Gary Hart's biggest mistake?
 A: Not letting Teddy Kennedy drive Donna Rice home.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: What did Lee Harvey Oswald say to Michael Jordan?
 A: Out the book-depository window, over the sign, through the
    governor, nothing but neck...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 A reporter asked Clinton if meeting the Pope was as exciting for 
 him as his much bally-hooyed meeting with JFK. Clinton replied
 "Well when I met the Pope it was only his ring I had to kiss to
 stay in his good favor..."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: Why does his staff call Teddy Kennedy "Mr. Bookmark"?
 A: He can most often be found wedged between two pages.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: What did JFK say to Marylin Monroe after their first fuck?
 A: Wow, if I'd  known you were a virgin I would have taken my time...
 Q: What did Marylin Monroe say to JFK after their first fuck?
 A: If I had known you had time I would have removed my panty hose..

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Q: What was the last thing on JFK's mind?
 A: Jackie's dress.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
a computer scientist and a lawyer of a certain company were going to a very
important meeting one morning. They were driving on the new company car
when they suddenly had a breakdown. The manager got out of the car took his
cellphone and said, 'Let's phone the nearest garage.' The lawyer said,' No,
let's sue the people who sold us this car.' The engineer said,' That won't
help us now we are already late. Let's try to fix it.' The computer
scientist said,' Yes, let's run it again to see where the error is.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans.  He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them.  But they
always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them.
The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.

One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent that they
would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated
by his addiction to baked beans.  He decided to make the supreme sacrifice
and give up his beloved baked beans.  A short time later they were married.

Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down.  He was
not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of
the way.  He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and
tell her that he would be late for supper.  As he entered the cafe, the
smell of baked beans overwhelmed him.  He still had several miles to go and
decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home.

Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as
he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt.  He pooted up a hill, and
poot-pooted down the other side.  As he grew closer to home, the frequency
and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.

Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and
was seized with a terrible urgency.  He waited just outside his front door
to release one last effort, and his wife threw open the door. She excitedly
exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you".
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just
as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him
promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg
and loudly broke wind.  It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air
about him.  He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He
again raised one leg and let her rip.  It sounded like a tuba and smelled so
bad that he started gagging.  He fanned until his arms ached.  Things had
just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge.  He shifted
his weight to the other leg and let go.  This was the prize-winner.
The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the
flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like
this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin.
When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation
he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of
it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife
returned to the room.

Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.  After assuring
her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman comes in from the Docs and sayes to her husband
"honey the doc says i got a lovely fanny"
Husband goes mad and rushes up the Docs grabs him by the throat and screams
"what ya mean me missus got a lovely fanny eh!!!!"
Doctor..."Calm down man,i told her she had ACUTE ANGINA"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
a man walks into a bar ith an alligator with him and asks the barman 
'Do you serve protestants in here?'  The barman says
'Of course, we serve all types of religious and racial backgrounds'
The man then says 
'OK then give me a beer and a Protestant for the alligator'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Skeptics guide to the religions of the world.

 Taoism:                      Shit Happens
 Hare Krishna:                Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
 Hinduism:                    This Shit Happened Before 
 Islam:                       If Shit Happens, Take a Hostage
 Zen:                         What is the Sound of Shit Happening
 Buddhism:                    When Shit Happens is it Really Shit?
 Confucianism:                Confucias Say, Shit Happens
 Seventh Day Adventist:       Shit Happens on Saturday 
 Protestantism:               Shit Wont Happen if I Work Harder
 Catholicism:                 If Shit Happens, I deserve it.
 Jehovahs Witness:            Knock Knock, Shit Happens.
 Unitarianism:                What is This Shit?
 Mormonism:                   Shit Happens Again & Again & Again
 Judaism:                     Why Does This Shit Always Happen to Me?
 Rastafarianism:              Lets Smoke This Shit
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

1. Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
2. Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
4. Farmer Bill dies in house
5. Iraqi head seeks arms
6. Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes appeal to Pope
8. Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
9. British left waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Eye drops off shelf
11. Teacher strikes idle kids
12. Squad helps dog bite victim
13. Enraged cow injures house
14. Miners refuse to work after death
15. Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
16. Stolen painting found by tree
17. Two soviet ships collide, one dies
18. 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
19. Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
20. Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
21. War dims hope for peace
22. If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
23. Cold wave linked to temperatures
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A world-reknowned researcher of the paranormal was giving a lecture to a large
classroom filled with people. In an effort to illustrate how common paranormal
experiences are, he invited the audience to participate. First he asked  how
many had seen a ghost. Half the audience raised their hands. Next, he asked
how many had talked with a ghost. 1/4 of the audience kept their hands up. Finally,
he asked how many had sex with a ghost. All hands dropped, but  one.
In the back row. Surprised that someone actually could claim such a thing, the
researcher singled out the person and asked him again "Really? You've had sex
with a ghost??". The man replied, "Oh, sorry. I thought you said goat".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says whats with the long face.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:   Well, first the lightbulb has to be willing to change...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Operating Systems Were Beers...


     DOS Beer:
     Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
     directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
     an 8-oz.  can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
     divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
     separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are
     going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

     Mac Beer:
     At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
     Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
     When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
     list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
     are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
     you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

     Windows 3.1 Beer:
     The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
     Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it
     allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality
     you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you
     are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for
     apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open
     it.

     OS/2 Beer:
     Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
     simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
     too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when
     you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone
     drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
     Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

     Windows 95 Beer:
     The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows
     3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans
     only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
     drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and
     say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small
     print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even
     though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

     Windows NT Beer:
     Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
     causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
     can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to
     change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95
     beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
     suggested only for use in bars.

     Unix Beer:
     Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64
     oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
     they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
     Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you
     have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which
     case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who
     has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

     AmigaDOS Beer:
     The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked
     up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
     This beer never really sold very well because the original
     manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS
     Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in
     a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.  When this can was
     originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design
     hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.  Critics
     of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

     VMS Beer:
     Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
     sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
     contain extremely un-beer-like contents.  Best drunk in high pressure
     development environments.  When you call the manufacturer for the list
     of ingredients, you're told that it's proprietary and referred to an
     unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA.  Rumors are that
     this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a
     tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
46 Uses for a Mac

1. Use as substitute for lost or misplaced  shot put.
2. Fill with cedar chips. Give your pet hamster a great
   new domicile.
3. Cut top off and fill with soil. What a great flower
   planter.
4. Attach handle to side and use as foot stool for shoe shine
   boy.
5. Convert easily into bird feeder / house.
6. New high tech litter box for kitty.
7. Sell it to an antique shop.
8. Put it in a museum.
9. Use it as a doorstop.
10. An anchor
11. A Letter box! 
12. Smoke it :) 
13. Find it's melting point.
14. Just add water, it makes its own gravy!
15. Determine it's specific gravity.
16. Give it to homeless/welfare people (ie - newt gringrich)
17. Glue little bumps on all vertical surfaces and call it a Lego (tm).
18. Use it as building material (ie - plastic cinder blocks). 
19. Fill with water, makes a great aquarium!
20. Just spread the seeds, add water, and in a few days..       
    CHI-CHI-CHI-CHI-CHIA!!
21. Great wheel chok for your friendly neighborhood mechanic.
22. Two Macs Duct-Taped to the feet of a stool-pigeon make for great    
    underwater fun!
23. Shake it, turn it upside down, and see what the Magic 8-ball says!
24. Curl them for a great aerobic workout.
25. Use them to create a great O/S in the early 80s, trademark it and 
    copyright it to prevent cloning, license only one company to 
    produce your processors, watch market share plummet as a fierce 
    competitor allows its O/S to be copied and used in millions upon 
    millions of new systems, watch the fledgling company (we'll call it 
    Microsoft just for the sake of argument) explode in a flurry of 
    production and new investment, watch Apple stock price plummet while 
    Microsoft investors realize an 8086% gain over the period 1986-1995, 
    watch Microsoft create a similar O/S a decade after the original Mac and 
    recieve praise and more market share, notice Apple filing for 
    bankruptcy.  Individual results may vary.
26. Use the Quack wav to attract ducks while hunting.
27. Ballast for a DC-10 flight.  Apple IIe seems to work well here too.
28. Great terrorist barricades!
29. Fill holes at the land fills.
30. Make nesting habitat for birds and maybe other animals.
31. Boat anchors if they were not empty and floated.
32. Foot rest.
33. Hold downs for the covers on a wood pile.
34. Obsticle course for large rodents.

Hell things are so bad for them now that you cannot even get an APPLE
in a pie at McDonalds, just a few bits and pieces

Let's hear it for $700 million in bad business...

35. Churn butter with it.
36. makes a handy stool.
37. Get a magic marker, put hexagons on it and make a soccerball
38. crast test dummy heads
39. It would make a nice tobacco humidor
40. makes a great lunchbox
41. attractive pencil holder
42. xmas tree ornament
43. pile up along the eastern coast of florida, use as break tide during next
    huricane season 
44. DOORSTOP
45. ANCHOR
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy in the woods in Oregon shoots a spotted owl and eats it.  He gets
arrested for killing an endangered species.  At his trial, the guy
testifies that he was lost in the woods for several days and was so hungry,
and that besides he didn't know he was shooting an endangered species.  The
jury acquits him.  The courtroom clears out leaving only the defendant and
the judge.  The judge whispers, "Psst, just between you and me, how did it
taste?"  The guy says, "oh, like a cross between bald eagle and condor."

       vvv
      (o o)
---oo0-(_)-0oo--------------------------------------------------------------

__        ___    ____  _   _ ___ _   _  ____ _    Only read further if you
\ \      / / \  |  _ \| \ | |_ _| \ | |/ ___| |   are not offended by racial,
 \ \ /\ / / _ \ | |_) |  \| || ||  \| | |  _| |   sexual, profanic or just
  \ V  V / ___ \|  _ <| |\  || || |\  | |_| |_|   plain disgusting jokes!
   \_/\_/_/   \_\_| \_\_| \_|___|_| \_|\____(_)                       DaFedz

----(_)---(_)---------------------------------------------------------------


what's blue and knocks on windows?
a baby in a fish tank.


boy: Mommy, mommy do we have to visit grandma again???
mommy: Shut up and keep digging!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Whats worse than ten dead babies in a garbage can?
 One dead baby in ten garbage cans! 
 
What`s red and squeels?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Bess
who had an incredible ass.
But not round and pink,
as you probably think:
it was gray, had long ears and ate grass.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is blue and yellow and at the bottom of the pool?
A: Baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is read(red) and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
A: Floaties with slashed baby.


       How do you make a dead baby float?
       Two scoops of ice cream, root beer, and a dead baby.


Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

Q: why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: It was stapeled to the chicken.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong? 

Made her chain too long.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This hunter brought a duck he shot home and said to his wife "Let's have 
fresh duck for supper tonight.
When the family was eating one of the hunters 3 sons said.
"DAD there are bullets still in the duck!!" The hunter told them all, 
"it's ok pick out what you canand what you don't will come out later."

After dinner the hunter was sitting in his livingroom one son came 
running in "Dad i have a problem i was peeing and i'm peeing bullets!!!"
The father told his son "you ate a few and they have to come out don't 
worry."The son was ok with this.
A few moments later the 2nd son came and said the same thing and the 
father asured him too.
Then the 3rd son came in and said "DAD I HAVE A PROBLEM"!!!!!!!
the father said "i know your peeing bullets" the son said "NO ! I was 
outside jerking off and shot the dog.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ten things that a woman would NEVER say

10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being
   friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are
   just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small? 
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sir, there's no sense my processing your application."

"Why not?"

"Because where it says SEX: M  OR  F  you checked off the F."

"So, what's wrong with that?"

"I'm sorry sir, but I just don't believe it."

"But I swear it's true. I NEVER masturbate!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This little black kid walks into the living room as says "dad, am I more 
black or more jewish?" dad just looks at him and says "I dont know, go 
ask your mother... The kid walks into the kitchen and asks the mother 
the same thing, she replies "I dont know, go ask your father". The kid 
walks back into the living room and asks dad again. Dad says " I dont 
know son, why do you ask?". The kid replies "well billy, down the 
street, is selling his bicycle and I dont know wether to talk down the 
price or just steal the motherfucker!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross Pee Wee Herman with Harrison Ford?

Hand Solo!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One hobo to another. "I think I'm going to quit smoking. It's becoming too
dangerous."
"Really?"
"Yes. Twice today I picked up a cigarette butt and someone nearly ran me
over."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do oral sex and the mafia have in common.?

One slip of the tongue and your in DEEP SHIT....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulders.  He takes a
seat at the bar, lets the monkey go and orders a drink.  The monkey is
running wild through the bar, swinging from the lights, jumping on the
tables etc.  The monkey then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue
ball and swallows it.  The bartender is totally annoyed.  The gentleman
who owns the monkey apologizes, pays for his drink and the cue ball then
leaves with his monkey.  A couple of weeks later the man returns with
his monkey.  He sits at the bar and lets the monkey run wild again. The
monkey is running wild again.  He jumps up on the bar where he spies a
bowl of grapes.  He grabs a grape and shoves it up his ass, pulls it out
and then eats it. The bartender is totally grossed out. "Did you see
what your monkey just did?" He asks the man.  The man replies "Oh yeah,
since that cue ball incident he measures everything!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine came up to me the other day with both his eyes black. I asked 
him what had happened and he told me:

-You see, I was in church two weeks ago. When the priest told us to rise, 
I noticed that the skirt on the lady in front of me had crawled up her ass. So 
I figured I'd help her and pull it out. And then ... WHAM ... she punched me 
right in the face.

That figures! So I asked him about the other eye.

-Well, then when I went back last Sunday, my friend Bob came along, and we got
to sit behind the same lady again. And when the priest told us to rise I'll be
damned if her skirt hadn't crawled up again. This time I wasn't going to get
hit though. Then Bob saw what had happened and he grabbed her skirt and pulled
it out. But I knew that she didn't appreciate that so I stuffed it back up her
ass fast as hell...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?

Leukemia
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when you are getting older?

Your dreams get drier and your farts get wetter!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three Canadian's in a bar. A man from BC, a man from Ontario 
and Newfie.
As they are sitting at the bar,  the man from BC thinks he sees Jesus. He 
looks over at Jesus and Jesus nods back. Excitedly the guy from BC says 
to the other men, "That's Jesus over there and I'm going to buy him a 
drink!" The other two men followdo the same.

Shortly after, Jesus approaches the man from BC and places a hand on the 
man's back. "Thank you my son," he says. Just then, the man from BC 
stands up straight and exclaims, "My back...it's better! You've healed my 
back.  I've been having back problems for year, but now I feel great. 
Thank you Jesus!"

Jesus touches the elbow of the man from Ontario and thanks him for the 
drink he bought. The guy from Ontario can't believe it. "I've had 
arthritis in this elbow for years, but the doctors said they couldn't do 
anything for me. Now I have no pain at all Thank you Jesus!

Finally, Jesus approaches the Newfie. The Newfie backs aways. "DON'T 
TOUCH ME", he says, "I'm on COMP!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Why don t blacks celebrate Thanksgiving?
   Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't open on holidays.
2. Why do flies have wings?
   So they can beat the blacks to the watermelons.
3. If you see a black being chauffeured by a white man, where are they
   going?  Usually down to the precinct house.
4. Did you hear about the black with insomnia?  He kept waking up twice a
   week.
5. Why are there no family portraits of blacks? Every time the 
   photographer says  cheese, they form a line.
6. How do you know when a black is properly baptized?   When the bubbles
   stop coming up.
7. Why are so many blacks moving to Detroit?
   They heard there were no jobs there.
8. Why was the wheelbarrow invented?
   To teach Blacks to walk on their hind legs.
9. What has 200 balls and fucks a black?
   A shotgun.
10. What s the first thing taught in a Harlem driving school?
    How to unlock a car with a coat hanger.
11. How do you say Rodney King in Spanish?
    Pi ata.
12. How many cops does it take to throw a black down a flight of stairs?
    None, he fell down them.
13. What s green and pink and purple and orange?
    A black dressed for church.
14. What s the New York State motto?
    Eat, Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow you may be killed by a black
    in Central park.
15. What do you say to a black in a three-piece suit?
    Will the defendant please rise.
16. How is transportation being improved in Harlem?
    They're planting the trees closer together.
17. Why do blacks call white people  honkies ?
    That s the last noise they hear before the white people run them over.
18. How was break dancing invented?
    By black kids stealing hubcaps from moving cars.
19. When does an African-American become a black?
    When he leaves the room.
20. What s white and looks good on a black?
    A toe tag.
21. Did you hear about the new video game called  Black Man ? It s a 
    pair of lips chasing a watermelon.
22. Why do black women have such big purses?
    To carry all of the lipstick.
23. How many blacks does it take to pave a driveway?
    One if you drop him high enough.
24. What do you call a bus load of blacks falling off of a cliff?
    A good start.
25. What s the best thing about the Million Man March?  Only 4 people had
    to take time off from work.
26. Why are a black man's eyes always red after sex?
    The mace.
27. How long does it take a black woman to take a shit?
    9 months.
28. What do you call a black smurf?
    A smigger.
29. What do you call a black millionaire biochemist?
    A black.
30. What did Buckwheat, of the Little Rascals,  change his name to when 
    he turned Muslim?  Kareem of Wheat.
31. What do you call white men in Detroit?
    Police Officers.
32. What do you do when you see 5 white men beating the shit out of a
    black?
    Laugh.,.....  And then scream,  He raped my sister!
33. Why do blacks prefer the flat top haircut?
    So they can balance a bucket of KFC on their heads and still be able to
    mug people.
34. Why are most blacks killed by other blacks?
    Why ask why?  Don t look a gift horse in the mouth.
35. Did you hear about the new ad for BMW in Ebony magazine?
    You've got the radio, now get the car!
36. What s the difference between a black family and a white family?
    In a black family, the father runs away from home.
37. How is a black government worker like a broken shotgun?
    It won't work and you can t fire it.
38. What does  preparing for the future  mean in Harlem?
    Buying more than one bag of crack at a time.
39. How would you call Mike Tyson if he had no arms and legs?
    Hey, black!
40. What do you call three blacks sitting in a garden?
    Fertilizer.
41. What do blacks and sperm have in common?
    Only one in two million does any work.
42. Where do cocoons come from?
    M-m-m-ississippi.
43. What would you call a hooker s convention?
    The Miss Teen-age Black America Contest.
44. Why don t sharks attack blacks?
    They mistake them for whale shit.
45. Can a black ever become President?
    Well yeah, if he's running against a Puerto Rican.
46. Why are blacks called blacks?
    Cause that's what they are.
47. How can you tell if a black is sexually inexperienced?
    She has less than three kids.
48. What qualifies as good behavior in a Harlem school?
    Raising your hand before you pop a cap in the teacher.
49. What happens every time a black gets an abortion?
    Crime Stoppers sends her a check for $500.
50. What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?
    Blacks.
51. Where do blacks hang out in the South?
    Mostly from the ends of ropes.
52. What s the definition of a black virgin?
    An ugly first grader.
53. How does a black propose marriage?
    You re having a what?
54. How do you get a black to commit suicide?
    Toss a bucket of KFC into traffic.
55. Why did the black cross the road in Alabama?\
    Yeah, right. Like a black is gonna make it across the road in Alabama.
56. What s the difference between a black and Batman?
    Batman can go to town without Robin .
57. What do you call a black at a KKK rally?
    Soon to be an ex-black.
58. Why can t blacks do push-ups?
    Their lips hit the floor before their chests.
59. What do you say to a black man in uniform?
    I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke.
60. How do you know dogs are smarter than blacks?
    They don t step in dog shit, and they have twice as many chances.
61. How is a black different from a sewer rat?
    Some people actually like sewer rats.
62. What s a black s favorite antiperspirant?
    Unemployment.
63. What do blacks in the NBA do in the off season?
    Go to the movies and sit in front of you.
64. What s the difference between a black and a bucket of shit?
    The bucket.
65. What s the similarity between a black and a bucket of shit?
    The smell.
66. Why do blacks carry shit in their wallets?
    For identification.
67. What do you call a black with an IQ of 176?
    Africa.
68. Why do blacks smear shit on the walls at black weddings?
    To keep the flies off the bride.
69. Why do blacks wear turtle-neck sweaters?
    To hide their flea collars.
70. Why can t blacks eat pickles?
    Because they can t get their heads in the jar.
71. What color is a black, when you run him over in the road?
    Flat black.
72. Why don t they let blacks swim in the Pacific Ocean?
    Because they leave a ring around the sides.
73. How do you save drowning black?
    Throw him an anchor.
74. Did you hear about Ku Klux Knieval?
    He tried to jump over 100 blacks in a steamroller.
75. Hear about the new version of poker in Los Angeles? Seems four clubs
    beat a King.
76. Why did the black cross the road?
    To get to the other.......another one bites the dust.
77. How can you spot a black masochist?
    He s the one working for a living.
78. Hear about the black version of  Shogun ?   It s called  Shonuff.
79. What do poor black kids use instead of Play-Doh ?
    Fresh dog shit.
80. Hear about the new bumper sticker that says  Run, Jesse, Run ? You 
    put it on the front of your car.
81. How do you get a black kid to take a shower?
    Open a fire hydrant, and start selling crack on the other side.
82. How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most blacks?
    He promised to create jobs for them if elected.
83. How can you tell a black woman has really big lips?
    She can suck your dick without opening her mouth.
84. Hear about the new Chap Stick for blacks?
    It comes in a spray can.
85. What s the difference between good black kids and bad black kids? 
    Good black kids are in medium security prisons.
86. What should you do when you see a black jogger?
    Trip him and give the lady's purse back to her.
87. How do you starve a black?
    Hide the food stamps and welfare checks under a bar of soap.
88. What s the most common form of transportation in Harlem?    
    Ambulances.
89. Did you hear about the black and the Mexican who opened a restaurant?
    It s called Nacho Mama.
90. What do you call 100 parachuting blacks?
    Skeet.
91. How do blacks eat chicken?
    One leg around each ear.
92. Did you hear about the black who had a heart attack on Halloween?
    Someone came to his door dressed as a job.
93. Why does Georgia have blacks and California have earthquakes?
    California had first pick.
94. Why should blacks always be buried face down?
    Because when they wake up they will start digging.
95. What d the police artist sketch when the woman described her rapist 
    as blond, blue-eyed, and 5 6 ?
    A big, mean looking black.
96. And what did she say when she saw the picture?
    That's him.
97. Why was there only one black aboard the space shuttle when it blew up?
    They didn t know it was going to blow up.
98. Why did the space shuttle blow up?
    The black was free - basing.
99. Why won t Jesse Jackson ever become President?
    They don t make bullet proof Monte Carlos.
100. How does a white man feel when he walks into Kentucky Fried Chicken?
     Like the filling in an Oreo cookie.
101. What s a black s lips especially good for?
     Sucking the change out of parking meters.
102. Did you hear about the black who called the suicide hot line?
     They sent someone over to help him jump.
103. What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?
     Six more weeks of basketball.
104. What s the definition of worthless?
     A 7 2  black with a small dick that can't play basketball.
105. What do Ku Klux Klansmen do before they play cards?
     Take out the spades and burn them.
106. What do you say to a black woman who is begging you for sex?       
     How much?
107. Why do black babies have such big heads?
     So they don t fall out during the bridal dance.
108. When white babies die and go to Heaven, they get wings and are 
     called Angels.  What are black kids called?
     Bats.
109. How do you know Adam and Eve were white?
     Ever try to take ribs away from a black?
110. Did you hear about the black boy who had diarrhea?
     He thought he was melting.
111. If you see a black on a ten-speed weaving in and out of traffic, why
     should you avoid running over him?
     It might be your bike.
112. Did you hear about the new black French restaurant?
     It's called Chez What?
113. What s another word for cocoon?
     N-black.
114. What do Ku Klux Klansmen call ten white guys beating the shit out of
     one black?
     A fair fight.
115. What s another use for a hula-hoop?
     A teething ring for blacks.
116. What do you call 50,000 blacks at the bottom of the ocean?
     A good start.
117. What do you call 4 blacks in a black  57 Chevy?
     A blood vessel.
118. What did Lincoln say after his 5 day drunk?
     I freed who?
119. What do you call one white man with five blacks?
     Coach.
120. What do you call one white man with ten blacks?
     Quarterback.
121. What do you call one white man with fifty blacks?
     Boss.
122. What do you call one white man with one thousand blacks?
     Warden.
123. What do you call one white man with twenty thousand blacks? 
     Postmaster General.
124. What s the favorite game show in the South?
     Maim that Coon.
125. Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal for black men? It's 
     called Nuthin Bitch .
126. A woman in the army is called a WAC.  What s a black woman in the 
     army called?
     A waccoon.
127. Why do blacks wear white gloves?
     So they don t bite their fingers off eating Tootsie Rolls.
128. Why do blacks wear wide brimmed hats?
     So pigeons can't shit on their lips.
129. Who are the 2 most famous women in black history?
     Aunt Jehmima and Mutha Fuckah.
130. What s the difference between a black and a pile of shit?
     After a while the pile of shit turns white and stops stinking.
131. How you rape a black woman?
     Don t pay her.
132. What does NRA really stand for?
     Black Removal Agency.
133. What can you do with a dead black?
     Cut off his lips and use them for suitcase handles.
134. Why do blacks like football so much?
     It s the only time they can chase a white guy, and 75,000 people will
     stand up and cheer.
135. Did you hear the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots ?   They are
     going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.
136. What s the definition of an African Monback?
     That s the black on the back of a garbage truck yelling  Monback,
     Monback! .
137. What s the definition of an African Motee?
     That s the black waiter in a restaurant asking,  Mo  tea?  Mo  Tea? .
138. Why do blacks stink so bad?
     So the blind can hate them too.
139. What s black and brown and looks good on a black?
     A Doberman Pinscher.
140. How do they keep black kids from bouncing on the bed?
     Put Velcro on the ceiling.
141. How many blacks does it take to have a funeral?
     Seven.  Six to carry the casket and one to carry the radio.
142. What do you get when you cross a black and a goat?
     A weed eater that doesn't work.
143. Did you hear about the new Disney autobiography of O.J. Simpson?  
     It's called the Lion Coon.
144. How many blacks does it take to roof a house?
     Ten, if you slice them thin.
145. What s the best five years of a black s life?
     Third grade.
146. What s a crying shame?
     A busload of blacks going over a cliff with one empty seat.
147. What s a black fortune cookie?
     A chitling with a food stamp inside.
148. What s the definition of redundant?
     A black with a black eye.
149. Why aren t there any blacks in Alaska?
     The Eskimos skin them out for wetsuits.
150. Why aren t there any black astronauts?
     Their lips explode at 30,000 feet.
151. What do get if you bury a bunch of blacks up to their chins in the
     ground?
     Afro-turf.
152. Why don't blacks marry Puerto Ricans?
     They're afraid their kids would be to lazy to steal.
153. Why aren t there any black nuns?
     They can t say  Superior  after Mother.
154. Why don t blacks like blowjobs?
     They don t like any job.
155. Why do blacks keep chickens around the house?
     To teach their kids how to walk.
156. How do you make a black nervous?
     Take him to an auction.
157. Why did God invent the orgasm?
     So blacks would know when to stop fucking.
158. What do you call a black woman with braces?
     A Black and Decker pecker wrecker.
159. What s the shortest word in a black s vocabulary?
     MothaFucka .
160. What s the longest word in a black s vocabulary?   
     Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
161. Where did blacks get their black power salute?
     From hanging on the back of garbage trucks.
162. What s transparent and rolls around in a ditch?
     A black with the shit kicked out of him.
163. How do you stop 10 blacks from raping a white girl?
     Throw them a basketball, some crack, or some Thunderbird.
164. Why did God give blacks big dicks?
     He felt bad about putting pubic hair on their heads.
165. What does the fine print read below a black s lips?
     Do not inflate over 30 psi.
166. Why don t blacks ride motorcycles?
     Their lips slap them to death.
167. What s the Great White Hope?
     Sickle cell anemia.
168. What causes sickle cell anemia?
     The glue on the back of food stamps.
169. How do you get a black out of a tree after a KKK rally?
     Cut the rope.
170. What does NAACP really stand for?
     Niggers Are Actually Colored Pollacks.
171. What does NAACP really stand for?
     National Association for the Advancement of Crime and Poverty
172. What do you call a black test-tube baby?
     Janitor in a drum.
173. What did they call the black movie about the Vietnam war?
     A-pack-of-lips Now.
174. What are 3 things you can t give a black?
     A job, a fat lip, and a job.
175. What s black and white and rolls around on the beach?
     A black and a seagull  fighting over a carp.
176. What s living proof that the Indians fucked buffalo?
     Blacks.
177. Why do blacks carry a monkey on their back?
     For spare parts.
178. Why do blacks have flat noses?
     The doctor had to stand on the back of their heads to pull off the tails.
179. Why do blacks have big nostrils?
     God held then up with two fingers to spray paint them.
180. What did God say when He made the first black?
     Shit.
181. Why are the soles of a black s feet and his palms white?
     God had them assume the position when he spray painted their backs.
182. Why can t you shoot a black in a watermelon patch?
     Because it is illegal to hunt a baited field.
183. Why did so many blacks get shot in Vietnam?
     Every time the Sergeant said  Get down! , they started dancing.
184. What do you call a black in an inner tube?
     A top water jig.
185. What do you call a row of black houses?
     Coon-dominiums.
186. What do you call a black in a $100,000 house?
     A burglar.
187. Why can t black kids play in a sand box?
     Cats keep trying to cover them up.
188. What s the definition of mass confusion?
     Father s day in Harlem.
189. Why did God make armadillos?
     So blacks could have possum on the half shell.
190. What does Pay-less shoes and the Welfare department have in common?
     30,000 black loafers.
191. How do you shoot a black in the head?
     Aim for his radio.
192. Why are blacks such good athletes?
     They spend the first nine months of their lives dodging coat hangers.
193. What do you call a black hitchhiker in Alabama?
     (1) Stranded (2) Brave (3) Guest of honor at tonight s KKK rally.
194. What s the definition of Re-nig?
     Shift change at the car wash.
195. What do you call a black tie salesman?
     A Ty-coon
196. What do you call a deaf and dumb black with no arms?
     A trustworthy black.
197. What do you call a black on a white palomino horse?
     LeRoy Rogers.
198. What s the definition of black power?
     5 blacks pushing a stolen Cadillac.
199. Why aren t there any whores in Africa?
     Because all the fucking blacks are over here.
200. What do you get when you cross a black with an Irishman?
     A Lepracoon.
201. What do you get when you cross a black with Bo Derek?
     A ten of spades.
202. Did you hear about the black who bought Odor Eaters for his shoes? 
     He took two steps and disappeared.
203. What do you call five blacks in a stolen Volkswagen?
     A stinkbug.
204. What do you call two blacks on motorcycles?
     Chocolate chips.
205. What s black and white and getting blacker?
     Atlanta.
206. Did you hear that they are renaming the Chatahoochie River in Georgia?
     Seems they are going to call it the Chukablack River now.
207. How many blacks does it take to eat possum?
     Two.  One to eat and one to watch for cars.
208. What do you call a black in the third grade?
     Gifted.
209. What s more stupid than building a bridge in the desert?
     Blacks waiting to fish off of it.
210. What did the black do with his first fifty-cent piece?
     Moved in with her.
211. What does Pontiac stand for?
     Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac.
212. Did you here about the new black toy store?
     It s called  We Be Toys .
213. What s another term for Harlem?
     Scene of the crime.
214. How do you stop a black from drowning?
     Take your foot off of his head.
215. What brings tears to Mike Tyson s eyes during sex?
     Mace.
216. Why are scientists replacing lab rats with blacks?
     They multiply faster and you don't get as attached to them.
217. What s the definition of black foreplay?
     Don t scream or I'll kill you bitch!
218. What are the only French words a black knows?
     Coupe de Ville.
219. Why is Ray Charles always smiling?
     He doesn't know he is a black.
220. Why don t black men eat black pussy?
     When's the last time you picked up a Brillo Pad and ate it on purpose?
221. What s long, black, and smells bad?
     The unemployment line.
222. What do you call a black with half a brain?
     Gifted.
223. What do you call a black with no brain?
     Normal.
224. What six words do white people fear hearing the most?
     Hi, we beez yo new neighbors.
225. Why don t blacks have checking accounts?
     It s too hard to sign a check with a spray can.
226. Why was the black boy so interested in his family tree?
     His family was still living in it.
227. What do you get when you cross a black and a Vietnamese?
     A car thief that can t drive.
228. What s the difference between a tire and a black?
     A tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
229. What does a black and a tire in the snow have in common?
     They both work better when you put chains on them.
230. Why do they say  Black is Beautiful ?
     I don t know because black is not a color.
231. What do you call a black in a Rolls-Royce?
     A car thief.
232. What do you call a black at a country club?
     Caddie.
233. How do you know when a black girl is menstruating?
     She s only wearing one sock.
234. Why don t blacks like blow-jobs?
     They re afraid they'll interfere with their unemployment benefits.
235. Why don t blacks like blow-jobs?
     Because the job part makes it sound too much like work to them
236. What do you get when you cross a black and an octopus?
     Beats the shit out of me, but it can sure as hell pick cotton.
237. How do you baby - sit  a black?
     Wet his lips and stick him on the wall.
238. What do you call a black millionaire?
     Black.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the worst part about having sex with an eight-year-old?

Getting the blood off the clown suit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A black skinned prostitute went for her monthly check-up to the Doctor.

After his usual examination he asked her to disrobe.  When she did this he
asked her to crouch on the floor near the window.  She did this and he
stood back and looked at her from several angles.

He then asked her to lie on the floor against his wall.  Again he studied
her from several angles.

When he had finished he said she could dress again.  She asked if this had
been part of some new treatment.  

The Doctor said "No.  I am thinking of re-decorating with black leather
furniture".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Shit List

The Ghost Shit : That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit
on the toilet paper, but theres no shit in the bowl.

The Clean Shit : The kind here you shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the
toilet paper.

The Wet Shit : The kind were you wipe your butt 50 times, but you can still wipe
it 50 more times and still get shit on the toilet paper.

The Second Wave Shit : You're done shitting, pulled up your pants and realize
you have to shit some more. Also happens when you shit before a shower, then
have to shit once you've gotten wet.

Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Shit : The type where you strain so much to
get it out, you practically have a stroke. Also known as the Pop A Vein In Your
Forehead Shit.  

The Iceberg Shit : So long—the tip sticks out of the water.

The Ricchard Simmons Shit : So big you swear you lost 30 pounds.
 
The Corn Shit : Self-Explanatory.

The Linlon Log Shit : So HUGE that you're  afraid to flush unless you brake
it up with a toilet brush. Barbecue skewer, or any other long disposable item.
 
The Drinker's Shit : Done on the morning after, it's trademark is the skid marks
on the bottom of the bowl.

The God I Wish I Could Shit Shit : You rally want to shit, but just sit there
and manage a couple of farts.

The Spinal Tap Shit : Hurts so much that you know it's leaving you sideways. 

The Power Dump Shit : So forceful and fast your cheeks get wet with toilet water.

The Mexican Food Shit  - A Class all its own

The Three Mile Island Shit : The stench forces an evacuation of building and
nearby village.

The Reach Out and Touch Someone Shit : the need to shit when talking on 
the phone. For those of us with cordless phones, the Trick is to flush without noise.

The Hemorrhoid Shit - For those that have them, it's self-explanatory; for those
that don't, suffice to say this shit brings tears to your eyes.

The I Know I Should But I Can't Shit : The kind that happens when you're going on
a long trip. Often causes the Brain Hemorrhage through Your Nose Shit.

The Oh Shit Shit : When you find there's no paper left on the roll.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Priest, a Nun and a coyote walk into a bar.
They go up to the bar and the bartender says to the Priest, "So, this is
the howler."
The nun slaps the preist across the face and and exclaims "You told!!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
tell your friend: three roosters and a cat are sitting on a fence.

-ask your friend how many eyes the roosters have
   -response- six
-ask your friend how many beaks they have
   -response- three
-ask you friend how many feet do they have
   -response- six
-ask your friend how long the cats tail is
   -response- I don't know
-ask your friend how many wiskers the cat has
   -response- I don't know
-ask your friend how many hairs are there on the cats back
   -response- I don't know
tell your friend "How come you know so much about cock and nothing about
pussy?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a vietnamese with twelve dogs and an acre of land...

A rancher!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's Nichole Brown Simpson's Halloween Costume?

        A Pez Dispenser
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three scientists were talking one day when one of them asked if there had ever been an
experiment carried out to determine the effect of blocking off an elephants rectum for an 
extended period of time. They discovered that it had never been tried and so they resolved to
try it themselves.

They got an elephant and inserted a huge plug into it's arse and let the elephant go about it's
daily business of eating 500 pounds of greenstuff a day.

After a couple of days, it occurred to the scientists that someone was going to have to remove
the plug from the elephants arse. None of them were prepared to do it so they got themselves a 
monkey and trained it to remove the plug when it heard a particular bell sound.

Come the day of the end of the experiment when the plug was finally to be removed, they set
themselves up at respectable distances from the monkey and elephant - 1 scientist was 50
yards away, 1 was 500 yards away and the third was a mile away. All had recording
equipment etc set up to record the event. One had a button to press to sound the bell and
prompt the monkey to remove the plug from the elephant's arse.

The button was pressed, the bell sounded and there was this god-almighty explosion.

The scientist at 1 mile from the elephant was splattered with shit and he raced up to the
scientist 500 yards from the elephant. He too was covered in shit.

They both raced up to the scientist who had set himself up 50 yards from the elephant
to find him up to his neck in shit, covered in scrathes and bruises and with a couple of
broken bones in his arms and legs. He was also pissing himself laughing.

One of his colleagues commented on all the injuries he had sustained and asked why was
he laughing so much.

"The bell sounded, the monkey pulled the plug and I was injured when the blast threw
me backwards away from my position.", he said.

"But why were you laughing so much?", his colleagues asked again.

"You'd be laughing too if you could have seen the expression on the monkey's face as
he tried to put the plug back in."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what's disgusting?

  -A baby.

You know what's more disgusting than just a simple baby?

  -A baby in a trashcan.

You know what's more disgusting than a baby in a trashcan?

  -A dead baby in a trashcan.

You know what's more disgusting than a baby in a trashcan?

  -A pile of dead babies in a trashcan.

You know what's more disgusting than a pile of dead babies in a trashcan?

  -A pile of dead babies in a trashcan with a live one underneath.

You know what's even more disgusting than a pile of dead babies in a
trashcan with a live one underneath?

  -A pile of dead babies in a trashcan with a live one underneath that's
trying to eat it's way out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT


  Jack Schitt is the son of O.Schitt and Awe Schitt.
 O.Schitt the fertilizer magnate married Awe Schitt, who later ran the
" Kneedeep Inn-Schitt " Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and 
together they produced six children.

Holly Schitt, their first child, passed shortly after birth. Next came 
twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and than two daughters:
 Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named 
Bull Schitt.

By and by, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip 
Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son Chicken Schitt. Fulla 
Schitt and Giva Schitt married the happens brothers the Schitt-Happens 
children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa and they're awaiting the 
arrival of thier first Baby named little Schitt.

So now you not only know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well!.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell whether an Irishman has class???

He takes the dirty dishes out of the sink before pissing into it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking along the water on the beach, he came across a young 
lady with no arms and legs she was visibility upset.
He said "Excuse me, but can I be of any help."
She looked up sadly "no I'm just upset because I have never been hugged 
before.The man said "that's no problem" and gave her a big hug,She 
smiled.
The next day he was walking on the beach. Again he saw the young lady 
again she was crying."What is wrong today?"
"I have never been kissed before." He decided his wife would understand 
under the circumstances so he gave her a nice kiss.
The next day he saw her again, he thought of turning around but he could 
not stand to see her crying.
"What is wrong today!" he said. "Well I have never been fucked before."
He was shocked by this but said I can help.
So he picked her up and thew her in the lake and said. "NOW YOUR FUCKED"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Watching you mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? 
A: Russell

And what do you call the same guy, 6 months later 
PETE!!!!!

In the lake
Bob

In a ditch
Phil

Outside the door
Matt

On the wall
Art

What do you call his arms and legs?
Pieces of Art!

What if he also doesn't have a tongue!? 
Tasteless Art! 

What do you call two guys with no arms/legs in the water 
Swimming trunks

No arms, no legs, between two buildings: 
Ali

No arms, no legs, rabbit in ass: 
Warren.

No arms, no legs, no head, no torso: 
Dick.

No arms, no legs but able to swim the English Channel: 
Clever Dick

A woman with no arms, legs, or torso? 
Muffie

No feet: 
Neil

In your mailbox:
Bill

The woman who puts him in the fireplace : 
Burnadette

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? 
Nice tits!

Left out in the sun?
Wilt

Covered with cement?
Rock

In your pool?
Bob

In your hot tub?
Stu

On your BBQ grill?
Frank

What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other? 
Eileen

A Japanese woman with the same affliction? 
Irene

What do you call her after the operation? 
Noleen.

A couple, both with no arms & no legs, and run a butcher shop? 
Chuck and Patty

When you throw him across a pond ?
Skip

On hot asphalt?
Flip

No arms, no legs, and no PELVIS??
Chester

Going over a fence?
Homer

In your girlfriend's lingerie drawer? 
Teddy.

Who every one takes a dump on?
John

A guy with one arm and no legs who holds up your car? 
Jack

A guy with no arms and legs that you use to loosen hex screws? 
Allen

Two guys w/ no arms and no legs nailed to your spice rack? 
Herb and Basil.

Woman w/ no arms/legs who's been force fed beans? 
Gail.

Woman w/ no arms/ legs who's hanging from your chandelier? 
1. Crystal.
2. Tiffany

Guy w/ no arms/legs who's upside down in the end zone? 
Spike. 

A girl with no arms and no legs, lying on a grill? 
PATTY!

Hanging from a chain destroying buildings? 
Rex

Covered in oil?
Derek

What do you call a man, with no arms and no legs, out in the ocean? 
Screwed!!

What do you call a woman without legs and arms?
Nothing. She ain't going nowhere, so drop the sweet talk!

What do you call a woman his been run over by a bus? 
Pattie.

What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs stuck in a wall? 
Brad

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs in a coffee cup? 
Joe

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a poker table? 
Chip

Waterskiing
Skip

On a beach
Sandy

Throwing up
Chuck

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs getting trampled on by a 
bunch of basketball players?
Jim.

On a golf course?
Chip

Sitting on a hill
Cliff

Twin boys hanging over the window.... 
Curt 'n' Rod

WOMAN with no arms & no legs:
At the end of a long March
April

In your dishwasher
Dawn

In a fry pan
Pam (and she won't stick!)

In your garden
Lilly or Violet

Coming like thunder across the bay
Dawn

At sunset 
Eve

In a hole
Peg

 

MAN with no arms & no legs:
Holding drill bit in teeth
Chuck

Thrown against the wall
Mark

In a bottle
Pop 

Hit by lightning
Rod

On a stage
Mike 

MAN with no legs, one arm and Parkinson's shaving 
Nick

MAN with no legs, holding a chain in each hand 
Link

Man with one leg
Tip

Man with no knee caps
Neil

Congressman with one leg and no knee caps 
Tip O'Neil

On railroad track
Spike

Out of the wind
Lee

On an antenna
Guy

Man - no arms/no legs in a stream:
Eddy

Woman - no arms/no legs in a vase:
Rose

Male midget - no arms/no legs on a grill: 
Frank Shorter
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Three men are sitting at a table. Each man is holding his head,
trying to contain the pain of an obviously terrible hangover. The first
man pipes up and says "Man, I had the worst night last night....I got
drunk, my car was stolen, I walked four miles home to find out that I had
lost my keys, so I had to break into the house, then I blew chunks all
night. He then returns to a low whimpering. The second man says "No way,
man, that's bad, but my night was REALLY bad....I got shitfaced, drove my
car into a telephone pole, got thrown in the drunktank for the night, and
was late for workd this morning, so I lost my job". The third guy looks at
them both, and says "Well, I got shitfaced at the company party, I punched
the boss, lost my job, my car was broken into, then when I got home, I
found that my house had been completely cleared out and my wife had left
me for my brother". There is a moment's silence, then the first guy says
"No, no, guys, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog...."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex ?

Clint Eastwood makes your day. Anal sex makes your whole week.

(Please no-one ask me to explain it. Just say it out loud)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross Dr. Jack Kevorkian, Dr. Ruth and Tonya
Harding?

Drop-dead sex that will bring you to your knees.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her fourth
marriage. After the examination, the physician seemed confused. "You're
a virgin. How is that possible?"
        
     "My first husband was a psychiatrist," she explained.  "He analyzed
it all the time.  My second husband was an English lit professor.  He
wrote about it all the time.  My third husband was a contractor and
always said he would get around to it.  But now I'm marrying a lawyer,"
she said with a smile, "so I know I'll get screwed."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Pee-Wee Herman?

It took only 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

(Not any more iguess, but it's still kinda funny)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                So this guy is sitting in a bar one night, and he's talking to his
friends about how his wife just never cums.  No matter what he does,
she just never goes.  So a friend of his approaches and says
        "Look, I feel your pain.  But, I have a solution.  What you do is go
home tonight, sneak in, make sure your wife's asleep, slip under the
covers and go doown on her;  but, don't stop until she cums."
        Thinking that this is a grand idea, the man goes home, sneaks in the
back door, and tiptoes up the stairs.  Sneaking down the hallway to
the bedroom, he oopens the door, and sees his wifes' sleeping form in
the dark.  Over to the bed he goes, wiggles his way under the covers,
and goes down on her.  
        Now, after ten minutes, nothing happens.
        After half an hour, his jaw starts to hurt, but he keeps on going,
determined that his wife WILL cum tonight.
        Finally, after forty five minutes, she cums.    
        He takes it, and, pleased with himself, goes down to the kitchen to
get a beer to kill the taste.  He walks into the kitchen, and there's
his wife, sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.
        "How the hell did you get down here so fast?!" he shouts.
        "Shhh!" she says "Keep it down.  Your mother is trying to sleep
upstairs!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
               Three worst Chinese torture tests


 A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. 
It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he
could 
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One 
afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering  
most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he 
sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.  He knocks

on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the 
ground. 
The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had 
a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I 
could have a meal  and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You 
cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I 
won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll 
give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he 
thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness
all her 
life?

 Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), 
he saw how  beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl,
and 
while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months 
without companionship.  And the girl had only seen the occasional monk 
besides her grandfather and  well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off
each 
other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite 
a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to
his 
room later  that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
would 
be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. 
He opened  his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the 
rock was a sign  saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your
chest".


"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up 
and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock 
out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst
Chinese 
torture test:   Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, 
jumps out  the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign
saying 
"3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought
he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone,
because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For
joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip) So he
went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll but that was too close to another
man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to
please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know
of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos,  special
attachments,and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her
occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The
businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose
out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the
keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the
middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get
back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her
it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say 

"Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things
would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the voodoo dick.
She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot
to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three
orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out,
but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it
out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut
it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She
put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked
how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that
she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy,
and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right.
Voodoo dick, my ass!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.  He caught a supply boat
to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead
on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to
sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat," he asked. The lady was insulted;
"You Americans are so rude," she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting
there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found
himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs, I have a couple at
home. So I would be glad to hold your if I can sit down." 

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant!" she
said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with
not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold
your dog?"

She replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up
the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke
up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's
discription of you or not. But, I do know that you Americans do a lot of
things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your forks
with the wrong hand, and now you have thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a virgin in West Virginia?

A girl who can run faster than her father.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's blue,lies in the gutter surrounded by biscuits.

a raped girl guide
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do Hippo's have sex in water?

How else do you keep a two tonne pussy wet!

How do you measure a mans sperm count?

The amount of time a women chews before swallowing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
why did only 500 mexicans invade the alamo?

they only had two cars!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would like to die
like my grandad
peacefully in his sleep.


Not screaming 
like the passengers 
in his car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do Australians find their sheep in the long grass?

Delightful !
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest and a hunter went hunting.  In the forest, the hunter spotted a
rabbit and took a shot.  He missed.

"Fuck!  I missed!" he said.

"Don't say things like that!  God get's angry!" said the priest.

The hunter ignored this and continued looking for some game.  A little later
he saw a deer in the forest, he shot and missed.

"Fuck!  I missed again!" he cried.

The priest looked at the hunter angrily and said: "Don't talk like that, God
will get angry with you!"

The hunter ignored this comment as well and continued hunting.  After about
ten minutes he saw a bear behind some trees, he shot and missed.

"Fuck!  I can't believe I missed!" he cried.

Then the clouds in the sky grew dark and swirled around  The priest looked
up. The sun was blocked out and the clouds started pouring a thunderous
rain on them.  Then suddenly, a large bolt of lightning came down and killed
the priest.

A huge, deep, booming voice from the heavens said: "Fuck!  I missed!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bunch of gay guys were sitting in a pool when suddenly a condom floated to
the surface.  "Alright, who farted?"

Two gay guys were in the shower when the phone rang.  "Don't cum while I'm
gone," said the guy who went to answer.  When the guy came back the shower
was dripping with cum.  "I told you not to cum!" said the first man.  The
second man replied: "I didn't, I farted."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
there once was a man from nantucket
who bought a dog with intention to fuck it
      he pulled down his pants
      the dog took a glance
and laughed all the way to Kentuckit
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you eat a frog???

One leg over one ear, and the other leg over your other ear.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: how do guys tell when they have a good sperm count?

A: when the girl has to chew before she swallows.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an Old Man of the Mountain
Who frigged himself into a fountain
        Fifteen times had he spent,
        Still he wasn't content
He simply got tired of the counting.

There was a young lady named Nance
Who learned aboutn fucking in France,
        And when you'd insert it
        She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
And shoved it right back in your pants.

A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books he could best her.
        But she drained out his balls
        And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.

There was a young girl of Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
        The passengers fucked her,
        Likewise the conductor,
The driver shot off in his pants.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle.  He finally finds one for a great 
price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to 
smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.  Anyway, his 
girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents.  He drives 
his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.  "No 
matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word."  She tells him, 
"Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes.  We haven't done 
any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." 
     
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are 
piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.  So 
steve decides to have a little fun.  He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on 
the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.   His girlfriend is 
a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when 
he sits back down, but no one says a word.  A few minutes later he grabs 
her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.  Now his 
girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little 
happier.  But still there is complete silence at the table. 
     
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.  
Steve remembers his motorcycle.  He jumps up and grabs his jar of 
vaseline.  Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from 
the table and screams,  "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FRIGGING 
DISHES!!" 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy buys a parrot from the pet store for $2.  Not seeing anything wrong
with the parrot the guy naturally thinks he got a great deal.  Everything
was going fine until the guy brings home a woman that he picked up.  When
the guy and his date were getting hot and heavy, the parrot says, "Squawk,
we don't want any loose cocksucking sluts here, squawk."  And with that,
the guy's date leaves in a huff.  The guy naturally has loud and stern
words with the bird.  A month later the guy brings home another woman and,
you guessed it, just when they were getting it on the bird says, "Slut,
Whore, Cunt" with the same results. After the date leaves the guy says,
"Listen you fucking bird.  The next time I bring a woman home with me, you
better be polite to her, or else....I'll be eating sweet and sour parrot
real quick.  Capiche?"  The parrot goes, "Squawk, capiche, squawk."  Two
months later, the guy brings home a third woman for some action.  Right in
the middle of the action the parrot goes "Squawk.  Loverboy's got AIDS,
Loverboy's got AIDS." <Pause>  "Ma'am."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a sperm named George.  All his life George
dreamed of becoming the one sperm to make it all the way to the egg
and become a hero.  George excercised and worked out constantly
preparing for the day....

Then, one fateful evening, George's world began to shake and rumble.
"This is it guys!" he told his weaker sperm friends, "This is it!!"
George moved himself towards the opening and braced himself.
WHOOOSH!!!  George and the others shot off like a rocket.  When the
momentum ceased George swam with everything he had.  Pushing passed
the others, using all his strength to get to the front only to
suddenly stop in horror and turn around swimming back the way he had
come screaming, "Turn back!!  Turn back!!! It's a blow job!!!!......."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE POO LIST :
----------------------

GHOST POO :  You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper
but none in the toilet.

TEFLON COATED POO :  Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you
don't even feel it. No traces of poo are on the toilet paper. You have
to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

GOOEY POO :  This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times
and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in
your underwear so you don't stain it. This poo leaves permanent skid
marks in the toilet and normally occurs when the phone is ringing.

SECOND THOUGHT POO :  You're all done wiping and you are about to
stand up, when you realise you've got some more

POP A VEIN IN YOUR HEAD POO :  This is the kind of poo that killed
Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling
and purple from straining so hard.

WEIGHT WATCHER'S POO :  You poo so much you loose several kilo's.

RIGHT NOW POO :  You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You
burn rubber getting to a toilet, usually it has its head out before
you can get your pants off.

KING KONG or COMMODE CHOKER POO :  This one is so big that you 
know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller
chunks. A wire coathanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens
in someone else's house.

CORK POO : (Also known as FLOATER) Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in the bowl. My God!!! How do I get rid of it?!?

WISH POO :  You sit there and fart a few times, but no poo.

WET CHEEKS POO :  This poo hits the water sideways and makes a big
splash that gets you all wet.

CEMENT BLOCK POO :  You wish you had gotten a spinal black before you
pooed.

SNAKE POO :  This poo is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb
and at least 3 feet long.

BEER DRUNK and MEAT PIE POO :  This happens the day after the night
before.  Normally  your  poo  doesn't  smell  too  bad, but  this  one
is BAD... usually this one happens at someone else's house when there
is someone standing outside, waiting to use the bathroom.

        vvv
       (o o)
+---oo0-(_)-0oo-------------------------------------------+
|                                                         |
| Remember to send me your jokes!  DaFedz@usa.net         |
|                                                         |
+----(_)---(_)--------------------------------------------+

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