Humorous Text: What-If Q&A:

        10. What if that giant zit I grew on the bridge of my
        nose on the night of my high school prom really was a
        "third eye" capable of viewing existence on the astral
        plane and I inadvertently squirted my shakras on the
        boy's room mirror?

        You'd be screwed, karma-wise, your mom would bitch about the
        mess, and your date would be grossed out to the max.


        9. What if Lot's wife had said, "Hey look, Honey! What's
        that back there?"

        A clever editor in the Vatican would cut that section out
        of the Bible centuries ago. Probably be in "The Gnostic
        Gospels", or "Life of Brian". God as Monty Python skit. Umberto
        Eco would base an overly-long novel around it

        8. What if you opened a tin of sardines one day and found
        Salman Rushdie, would you turn him in for the bucks?

      In a heartbeat. "Satanic Verses" was overrated. First, though
      I'd steal his next manuscript, entitled "Buddha, You Fat Bastard!"
      so that I could cop the royalties.

        7. What if Madonna became your step-mother?

        She already slept with my stepmother. NEXT!

        6. What if Parisiens went out of their way to be
        courteous, helpful and kind to strangers?

        You'd be in the Bizarro world. Bizarro Madonna would be a nun.

        5. What if Fabio the wonderhunk turned out to not be 100%
        what he's made out to be?

        He already isn't. He's really Herve Villechaise after
        plastic surgery. Madonna told me after she slept with him. NEXT!

        4. What if 80 million computer owners said, "Upgrade?
        Why? It does everything we need, anyway?"

        79 million already say that, and only upgrade when the new
        software won't run on the existing system. NEXT!

        3. What if George Michael married Boy George? Would he
        change his name to George George?

        Yes, and they'd have a fivesome with Madonna, Fabio, and my
        stepmother. NEXT!

        2. What if Bill Clinton turned out to be a Stepford
        Husband?

        What if Hillary Rodham turned out to be a woman? NEXT!

        1. What if you were given a choice between root canal
        work and an Olivia Newton-John film festival?

        I'd need less drugs to get through the first one.

        0. What if your favourite dog came back to life as
        Shirley MacLaine and scratched at your screen door all
        night long?

        I'd call an orgy and invite Madonna, Fabio, George George,
        President Hillary, and my stepmother.