With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other stuff. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of Football.
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WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if you're not on the field, get on)

   10 yard line ............. holding hands
       
   20 yard line ............. hugging
           
   30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek

   40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips

   MIDFIELD................ toungue kissing(your in serious territory now...)

   40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off

   30 yard line ............. all clothes off
  
   20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
 
   1ST AND GOAL............. put on the condom

   TOUCHDOWN.............. the 'ole horizontal mambo

   DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.
 
   kickoff...................Making the first move (asking for a date)
   kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you start out deep in 
   your own end)
   on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfield) 
   (risky, but effective)
   kick return...............How far you get on the first date
 
NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE 
KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.

Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further with her)

Punt.......................Give up and ask a new girl out cause you ain't getting any further with this one. You get three downs before you kick again.

Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.

Passing Play..............Skipping stages

OH OH'S:
 
Fumble....................Can't Get It Up!
Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection
Interception..............Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY!!)
 
OTHER DEFINITIONS
Turnover..................Anal sex
Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3pts (Mostly tried from beyond the 30)
Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6pts
Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up...................ORGY
Missed Field Goal.........Wide right,Wide left or even worse, too short!
3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move those yardsticks)
 
 
THE OFFENSE
 
Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary
Quarterback Sneak.........Desperate but valliant attempt to gain a few
yards
Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style
Running Back..............A hand-off
Tight End.................Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)
 
DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
 
Defensive Line............Condom
Break in the defence......Condom breaks
The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe)
Blitz.........................A "Quickie"
 
 
PENALTIES
 
Roughing..................S & M
Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints
Offside...................Premature Ejaculation
 
 
THE BOWLS
 
Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America
Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)
 
                          EXAMPLES OF USE 
  
1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to     be a tight end so there was a turnover.

2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid-field then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10 yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!

3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.
 
4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line, but on the field goal attempt I was short.