: Are You a Guy? : Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient : 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, : and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of : intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but : incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all : disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out : hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and : violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: : a. Present it to the president of the United States. : b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. : c. Take it apart. : 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do : you miss the most? : a. Innocence. : b. Idealism. : c. Cherry bombs. : 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? : a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without : regard for narrow-minded social conventions. : b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) : c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the : only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business : reasons, you have to have him killed. : 4. What about hugging another male? : a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal : disease. : b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this : case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food : trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") : c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits : a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that : (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear- : ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with : your fist hard enough to cause fractures. : 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... : a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. : b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. : c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and : cancer. : 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: : a. A cat. : b. A dog. : c. A dog that eats cats. : 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's : attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. : One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- : you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when : she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she : thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the : uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She : says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only : whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. : What do you say? : a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, : but you don't want to rush it. : b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you : cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a : lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out : false hope. : c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third : and seventeen. : 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you : want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and : the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the : adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come : what may. How do you tell her? : a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. : b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her : name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her : hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. : c. Tell her what? : 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks : you to get your three children ready for school. Your first : question to her is: : a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" : b. "They're in school already?" : c. "There are three of them?" : 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? : a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new : holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally : intended for your legs. : b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules : and has to be handled with tweezers. : c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy : checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not : naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to : discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because : the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than : with her. : 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for : the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for : forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? : a. He was being tested. : b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when : they finally got there. : c. He refused to ask directions. : 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? : a. Democracy. : b. Religion. : c. Remote control. : How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked : answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In : fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get : the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy : who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.