The 12 Days of X-Mas in modern times... December 14th, 1995 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have beenmore surprised. With dearest love and affection, Your Agnes --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist....you're just too kind. Love Agnes --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 20th John: What's with you and those f*cking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of g*ddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those f*cking birds. Sincerely, Agnes --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own g*ddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART *SS. Ag --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 22nd Hey Sh*thead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Chr*st - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 23rd You Rotten Pr*ck: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sl*ts ladies. They've been scr*wing those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 24th Listen F*ckhead: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you son of a b*tch Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister --------------------------------------------------------------------- December 25th From the law offices Scrooge & Marley Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should be sent to our attention as Miss McCallister is currently in residence at a local mental institution. Should you attempt to contact her in person, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Seasons Greetings, R. Marley [Image]3/21/97 dke