The 12 Days of X-Mas
in modern times...

December 14th, 1995

 Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have beenmore
 surprised.

        Ê

        With dearest love and affection, Your Agnes

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        December 15th

        Dearest John:

        Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two
        turtledoves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
        They are just adorable.

        All my love, Agnes

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        December 16th

        Dear John:

        Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't
        deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling
        but I must insist....you're just too kind.

        Ê

        Love Agnes

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        December 17th

        Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
        beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
        romantic.

        Ê

        Affectionately, Agnes

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        December 18th

        Dearest John:

        What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One
        for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly,
        John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

        Ê

        All my love, Agnes

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        December 19th

        Dear John:

        When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my
        front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
        huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and
        I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

        Ê

        Cordially, Agnes

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        December 20th

        John:

        What's with you and those f*cking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming.
        What kind of g*ddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the
        house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I
        can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those
        f*cking birds.

        Ê

        Sincerely, Agnes

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        December 21st

        OK Buster:

        I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
        eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and
        eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own g*ddam cows.
        There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house.
        Just lay off me. SMART *SS.

        Ê

        Ag

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        December 22nd

        Hey Sh*thead:

        What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing.
        And Chr*st - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids
        since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are
        stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech.
        What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to
        evict me.

        You'll get yours.

        Ê

        From Ag

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        December 23rd

        You Rotten Pr*ck:

        Ê

        Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sl*ts
        ladies. They've been scr*wing those nine pipers all night long. Now
        the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.

        My living room is a river of shit.

        The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
        building shouldn't be condemned.

        I'm sicking the police on you.

        Ê

        One who means it, Ag

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        December 24th

        Listen F*ckhead:

        Ê

        What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and
        aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.
        Those pipers ran through the maids and have been commiting sodomy
        with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been
        trampled to death in the orgy.

        I hope you're satisfied, you son of a b*tch

        Ê

        Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

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        December 25th

        From the law offices Scrooge & Marley

        Dear Sir:

        Ê

        This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers
        fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
        Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total.

        All correspondence should be sent to our attention as Miss
        McCallister is currently in residence at a local mental institution.
        Should you attempt to contact her in person, the attendants have
        instructions to shoot you on sight.

        With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

        Ê

        Seasons Greetings,

        R. Marley

        Ê

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