Aucbvax.1424 fa.sf-lovers utzoo!duke!decvax!ucbvax!JPM@MIT-AI Tue May 26 18:43:15 1981 SF-LOVERS Digest V3 #133 SF-LOVERS PM Digest Tuesday, 26 May 1981 Volume 3 : Issue 133 Today's Topics: Humor - SF Purity Test, SF Books - BAD novels ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 11 May 1981 0657-EDT From: Roger H. Goun Sender: Rick Stone Subject: SF Purity Test [ The following is a spoof on, what is known at M.I.T. as, the "Baker House Purity Test." The Test is known outside M.I.T. so you may have seen it. If not, then prepare yourself for the following. Thanks to Roger Roun for the Test, and Rick Stone for forwarding it to the digest. -- Jim ] For some bizarre reason unbeknownst (?) to myself, I wrote the following. Comments and suggestions are welcome. SCIENCE FICTION PURITY TEST Subtract 2.857143 points for each question answered "yes". Result may be called percent of purity. Have you ever... 1. Heard of science fiction? (If the answer to this one is no, try taking the "Space: 1999" test; they haven't either.) 2. Read a science fiction short story? 3. Read a science fiction novel? 4. Read SF at least once a day for a week? 5. Read SF at least once a day for a month? (You can go blind doing this!) 6. Seen an SF movie? 7. Done number 6 in the last three months? 8. Read an SF story in french? 9. Read both volumes of Isaac Asimov's autobiography? 10. Skipped the editor's introductions to the stories in an SF anthology? 11. Read an SF story in a horizontal position? 12. Completely removed the book jacket from a science fiction hardcover? 13. Wanted to be an astronaut? 14. Seen "Star Trek"? 15. Seen every "Star Trek" episode? 16. Fallen asleep while watching "Star Trek: The Motion Picture"? 17. Seen "Star Wars"? 18. Done number 17 more than 10 times? 19. Fantasized about "Revenge of the Jedi". (Star Wars episode VI.) 20. Been to a science fiction marathon? 21. Read the same SF novel more than once? 22. Read the same SF novel more than ten times? 23. Read more than one SF novel on the same night? 24. Gone through the motions of reading SF while wearing a space suit? 25. Read a superhero comic book subsequent to your weaning? 26. Had a subscription to a science fiction magazine? 27. Been a member of MITSFS? 28. Been to a science fiction convention? 29. Told someone you'd read a science fiction story when you hadn't? 30. Used alcohol to lower your resistance to science fiction? 31. Loaned a science fiction book to someone more than three years younger than yourself? 32. Entered a black hole? 33. Seen a naked singularity? 34. Written science fiction yourself? (Oh yes you can!) 35. Met a member of an alien race? ------------------------------ From: KIRK::GOLDSTEIN 13-MAY-1981 16:20 Sender: YOUNG@DEC-MARLBORO Subj: First sentences of BAD(!) novels First sentences of BAD(!) novels: Science Fiction (Sword & Sorcery variety): K'tath, chief shaman of the People of the Noxious Dragon, stared pensively into the dawn mists and scratched his yellow pelt. Science Fiction (Typical Hardware Mainstream) Brock thrust out his square jaw and spoke defiantly into the vocally-actuated piezoelectric terminal of the ship's main computer: "Dammit, Maggie, that's the third Class ZY Planet you've led us to since we came out of hyperspace. If I have to communicate with another silicon-based life form I'll go space-happy!" General My story takes place in an unnamed time, in an unnamed country. Its two characters I shall simply call 'the Man' and 'the Woman.' Love Selena bounced into the hotel room, smiling at the prospect of surprising her husband Bill. But her smile vanished at what she saw. There they were--her beloved Bill and her best friend Harriet--locked in a passionate embrace, clawing at one another like two...two ANIMALS! She stood riveted to the spot, unable to move. The room spun and began to blur as Selena's tears started. "Oh damn!" she sobbed. "Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!" Mystery Dead. That's what George Halsey was. Dead. -or, the more economical "Dead." "Dead?" "Dead." Really off the wall; defies categorization, probably written by a guy who lives on an herb farm and whose hobby is sucking hardwood: As Miles Swaithe sojourned on the principal thoroughfare of the town, he beheld within one of the serried emporia the Promethean form of Argus Mechanoisus, bicep, sinew, and features of etched granite proclaiming, in the Volcanic glow of the crucible, the implacable, roughshod will of the man who had brought High-Tensile Carborundum molding to Slagsville. Another "MYSTERY" -- Tough-guy shamus variety When you're looking down the unpleasant end of a .45 held by a 300-pound gorilla with an itchy finger and some nasty ideas about personal air-conditioning, it's time to reconsider your career choice. ============================================== Some bad novel ENDINGS, just for variety.... ============================================== The Disaster Novel (The World Is Saved!) Waiting in the imposing Oval Office for Carson were not only the three Joint Chiefs of Staff, but the entire cabinet, thirty senators, Professor Schwienmunnt, and, looking most sheepish of all, the President of the United States. The President stepped forward, held out his hand, and spoke for everyone who had refused to believe Carson's carbonated magma theory and had bitterly opposed him for the past year. Be generous, Carson thought to himself, this is very hard for him; he's admitting he was wrong, almost tragically wrong. "Dr. Carson," the Great Man began, "you, and you alone, have just saved this tired old world of ours. What can I say but thank you. Thank you very much." T H E E N D The Modern Woman Joyce knew she had won the final round when George Clifton shuffled into her office later that morning, a broken man, his merchandising empire in ruins. She almost found herself pitying him as he tried to form the words of his pathetic little speech: "Joyce...er...I mean...Miss...that is...Ms. Crowder...I wonder if..there's perhaps a place for me in...your new organization...I wouldn't ask for much, perhaps a job as Junior Sales Rep or...or even Trainee...maybe in the Boise branch office...I'd work hard for you, Joy--er, Ms. Crowd-- "Ha!" She exploded. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" T H E E N D Science Fiction (The Space Opera) As the last of the invading Rigellian space cruisers dissolved into harmless cosmic dust, Karya clung to the victorious Dirk, unabashed worship in her moist eyes. "A simple problem," he explained, smiling down at her, "Once it became clear that the anti-matter propellant they were using would react synergistically with the etheric substrate of our Fessenshweiger force- fields, it was just a matter of fine-tuning our servo computers to maximize the output imbalance. I'm just surprised I didn't think of it sooner." You're talking Science again, darling, she thought-- the Science you love. And I love you for it! The galaxies watched their embrace in splendid silence. T H E E N D The Tough-Guy Shamus So the case was closed. I shucked off my .45 and filed it under "T" for Trouble, knowing I'd be there again sooner than I wanted to be. On my way out I stopped at the kid's desk and fired him. He didn't know it, but I was doing him a big favor. T H E E N D AN ACTUAL BIT OF DIALOGUE from a Japanese monster flick, reconstructed with reasonable fidelity: PROF. OKAMOTO OF THE HOKKAIDO RESEARCH INSTITUTE (Foremost Asian Authority on Prehistoric Monsters Who Have Been Awakened by Nuclear Weapons Testing And Are Very Cranky about It): "And so, in conclusion, gentlemen, Drekzilla is invincible. Our most advanced weapons are useless against him. We are all doomed." THE PRIME MINISTER: "I am sure that all of us thank you, Professor, for sharing your information with us." PROF. OKAMOTO: "Well, it was the reast I could do." ================================================================ The Exciting Climax: The Nuts are in the Fire, The Die is Cast, The Chips are Down, The Underarm Spray is Fast Wearing Out! ================================================================ The Countdown Novel With a shock, Henderson took in the chaotic scene; the normally antiseptic Strike Central looked like a battlefield. Printouts, electronic parts, and assorted space-age jetsam lay everywhere. A servo computer lay on its side, uselessly spitting tongues of flame. Thick, acrid smoke parted momentarily and he saw several bodies sprawled on the floor. Living? Dead? He didn't bother to find out, for there, at the other end of the huge underground room, he saw the maniacal form hunched over the Launch Control Console. It had to be, it WAS Colonel Zane, the madman! So Zane had finally gone over the edge, he thought with a rush of panic. Henderson had to act fast. Running toward Zane, he saw that the damned maniac had already depressed all eleven hundred of the blood-red buttons that armed the ICBMs. ALL HE HAS TO DO NOW, he thought, IS TURN THE LAUNCH KEY! JUST A FLICK OF THE WRIST TO ARMAGEDDON, AND IT'S ALL UP TO ME! Almost there....almost there....He caught his breath to shout, and for a moment his vocal chords seemed to freeze in his throat. But just twenty feet from Zane, just as the unheeding lunatic's hairy hand crawled shakingly toward the fatal silver key, he found his voice, the only voice that could save the world from final madness: "Hey Zane! Cut it out!" Sword & Sorcery Again Shing, the former Master Wizard of the savage, mountainous land of Egath, raged at his toad-familiar: "The fools! The stupid, puny fools and their pathetic little schemes! Thought they that by merely exiling the omnipuissant Shing to this K'Vall-accursed pile of offal beyond the Sea of Yellow Mists that they might stanch my implacable wrath? They shall pay--aye, my loathsome bunion--they shall pay dearly!" The tiny toadlike creature, thinking the magnificent rage of Shing was directed at it, averted its face, which closely resembled that of Hayley Mills during her career at Walt Disney Productions. "And now," the sorcerer continued, his scowl brightening to a leer, "approaches the instrument of my vengeance, the pretty child; I shall use her as a skilled musician at the court of Lord F'Varg uses his---but hold, hold--even I, who have known all pleasures of the flesh, must pause in awe of her charms!" Through the Poison Garden, unaffected by the noxious emanations of its plants thanks to the spell cast on her by Shing, she approached: Argeetha, the child-woman, of whose innocent beauty the poets would sing down through the dynasties, over whom men would fight duels to the death, and yes, even wars that would ravage entire upper-middle-income housing developments. She drew closer to Shing, her radiance that of a thousand double suns, her innocence that of a Spring flower blooming in the high mountain meadows of Egath, half a world away. She spoke: "And what, pray, does the mighty Shing want with a lowly one such as I be?" --Sheldon ------------------------------ End of SF-LOVERS Digest *********************** ----------------------------------------------------------------- gopher://quux.org/ conversion by John Goerzen of http://communication.ucsd.edu/A-News/ This Usenet Oldnews Archive article may be copied and distributed freely, provided: 1. There is no money collected for the text(s) of the articles. 2. The following notice remains appended to each copy: The Usenet Oldnews Archive: Compilation Copyright (C) 1981, 1996 Bruce Jones, Henry Spencer, David Wiseman.