========================================================================== == == == If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I == == can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- == == esses are: == == == == {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto == == == == or == == == == dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa == ========================================================================== Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net Episode 9 .-----------. ! _ _ ! .-! /* *\ !-. \! O !/ ! ! ! .-----. ! ! ' ` ! `-----------' !! !! Martin (The crew of the Infinity is continuing on their way to find the explanation to Life, the Net, and Everything. It is a unbelievably long trip. It is also notably nasty as Martin insists on droning on and on about what a waste of time it all is and how it will probably be quite depressing once the destination is reached and so on. Off in the distance, they hear pounding type noises. The sounds appear to be getting closer.) Gillian: What do you think it is? Arnold Lint:I don't know. Xaphod: Maybe it's some new and amazingly interesting people. Martin: I hope not. Rod: It's definitely getting closer, let's duck out of sight just to be safe. (Rod and company duck behind a nearby paperweight. The pounding sounds can now be identified as the sounds of people running. Mixed in is a metallic clinking sound and various shouts and yells. As the sound gets closer, Arnold discerns that there is also a splatting type of sound mixed in.) Arnold Lint:What is that? Xaphod: Could be a Rigelian Megapede. Rod: Or a Richard Simmons show. (The source of the sound now comes into view. The first thing seen is a group of seven joggers, of various ages, sexes, and creeds, running for all they are worth. Close on their heels are two blokes in a Land Rover, they each wield a large club and a large can of beer. They are, in fact, none other than Australian Joggering champions Bruce Karnage and Bruce Bludletter.) Bruce: Here Bruce, get closer and I'll get another. Bruce: Right Bruce. Bruce: Naw, closer, Bruce. Bruce: Pass me a beer, Bruce. Bruce: Right Bruce. (The Land Rover approaches the slowest jogger and Bruce pockets him in the corner with a polo-like shot to the head, causing little bits of brain to spurt out his ears.) Bruce: That was lovely, Bruce! Bruce: Thank you, Bruce. (The joggers and the joggerers depart, the racket follows them, as well it should.) Rod: That was great, what a shot. Arnold Lint:That was awful, how vicious and cruel. Martin: I don't know, I almost enjoyed it. Gillian: What do they call that. Xaphod: That's joggering, lovely sport. Rod: Let's go already. Arnold Lint:What a savage Net we live in. [********************************************************************** "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that one of the most savage races in the known Net are the Incindarans. These types make the normal Flamers look like choir boys. These types liked to censor shows like "8 is Enough" due to it's immoral plot lines. They even went so far as to publish 'G' rated versions of the Old, New, and Video Testaments (blessed be the Holy Box). Legend has it that their system was kept off the Net for a long period of time. Their system lords felt that this would be best in light of the tendencies of those in the system. Things got so bad in Incindara that the system lords decided they better find someone else to fight before they wiped themselves out. So the Incindaran system was let onto the Net. They were so busy fighting amongst each other that nobody noticed the portal to the Net. An errant message found its way to Incindara which made them all realize that they were not alone. They selected their most learned scholar, Clyd Noeitall, to investigate the wondrous Net. It was the first time Incindara had taken enough time out from fighting to do anything. It was indeed a great day. He and his colleagues than set out and talked with the Net for the first time. Unfortunately, they came in right in the middle of the debates over Big Mac's. Upon seeing this, Clyd turned to his colleague and said: "No, it's all got to go". Following this they began to systematically torch almost every place in the Net. A long war followed in which the Incindarans lost badly. The Net, being a bit ticked off, decided on a punishment that suited the crime. They took away all the 'n' keys on every terminal in Incindara. Unfortunately, they forgot to make Incindara a read-only location, allowing the Incindarans to verbally flame. The few Incindarans who survived can still be found flaming at will about everything they read (which is everything as there are no 'n' keys). The once proud and feared Incindarans have been reduced to ranting about Burger King, drunk drivers, sterilizing non-supporters of ERA, and so on. "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" warns all Net travellers that when such types are encountered, the best course of action is to abort the debate, as it is probably pointless anyway. ***********************************************************************] ******************** End Of Part 9 ******************** What is the explanation of Life, the Net, and Everything? How did Bruce do? Did Bruce get his beer. Is Brooke Shields an Alien? To find out . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel. danielle