<+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+> <+> <+> <+> The Self-Righteous Boys Present <+> <+> <+> <+> THE JOYS OF A VENDETTA! <+> <+> <+> <+> By The Scientist & The Samuri <+> <+> <+> <+> Written on January 23, 1986 <+> <+> <+> <+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+><+> Dictionary definition: VENDETTA:A prolonged feud marked by bitter hostility. Our definition: VENDETTA:A fun way to terrorize your enemies and make their life a living hell. Introduction: Who do you hate? Really hate! Hate so strongly you would like to ruin their life. Make them suffer. A good vendetta can give you a warm, wonderful feeling as you watch your sworn enemy suffer endless torments at your hands! Choosing a Victim: You have to be very serious about a real Vendetta. This isn't just a few pranks. Your hate has to be strong enough to maintain numerous attacks of incredible cruelty, without fear of punishment and no doubts about destroying the victims personal property or health. If you aren't serious, this phile is useless to you. The best victims are geeks who have no friends. The friendless are the helpless. There is no mercy in a vendetta, and no sportsmanship. The best kind are computer geeks who think they know it all but are really just know-nothing assholes. They are very easy to hate. Scout your Victim: Having several people in on the vendetta always helps, especially if some of them are unknown to the target. Be sure to find friends who are mean enough to hate this person just as much as you do. Follow the target around. Get to know what classes he takes at school and when. Find out where his locker is, how he gets home, where his house is, get his phone number. Find any regular patterns in his movements (usually something stupid like Cello lessons every Tuesday) You must learn to know your enemy, your hate ever growing. The more you know about someone, the easier it is to crush them from a distance. Harassment: Your hate will make you very creative in devising new torments. To get started, here is a collection of ideas both old and new: Target-Victims house: Go at night. Go on the night they put out the garbage and spread the garbage all thru the yard. Dump lots of garbage from other houses into the yard. Pour bright orange paint over the bushes, lawn, house, and car. Break the car or house window or cut a hole with a glass cutter. Find the hose and put it through the hole. Turn on the hose. Leave it there. Go at the house with hammers. Look for external phone boxes, gas meters, or any wires entering the house. Trash it all. Slash the screens to their screened-in porch. Steal the doormat. Throw the garbage cans filled with garbage through a window. Get some philes on bombs and use those. Here is a less subtle trick: Fill a plastic gallon milk container with gasoline or some flamable substance. Put it under the car or on the porch. Rig up a fuse or just surround it with oily rags. Throw a match into the rags and run. For maximun effect, pour gas on the car or on the house around the main container. No attack is too large or small. Target-Victim is at school: Steal his possessions. This is usually pretty easy. Steal his homework. If you have a class with him and a teacher makes you all pass homework or something to one place, intercept it and deftly pull his out. Steal his textbooks. They usually run at about $20 and he will have to pay. Go to his locker. If it is the kind with vent slits, squirt water or ink or gas in. Slip matches in. Look over his shoulder and get the locker combination. If you have biology and cut stuff up, take a fish or frog or fetal pig or whatever and rip it up. Smear it all over his locker and his books. Mangle it. Leave a note saying "you are next!". An easy one is just to take all the stuff out of his locker. Planting stuff in there is usually to complicated to set up so that they get caught, unless you have regular locker inspections. Buy some rats at a local pet store. They are pretty cheap. Put them in his locker and throw in something for them to eat. Do this over the weekend. Steal a bottled specimen from biology. Pour the formaldahyde over his stuff and leave the repulsive creature in there. Also, you could just beat the shit out of him, but that is a little to obvious. Remote fun: Demon dial his house in the middle of the night. Order pizzas for him. Send him taxicabs. Send him magazine subsciptions. Order sex aids in his name. Call and get his water and gas and electricity shut off. Call your local anonymous police hotline and say you saw him commit a crime (nothing to serious or it will be an obvious frame). Call the post office and get his mail stopped. Fill out change of address forms and get his mail sent to another state. Call a pool cleaner and have him go out to the victims house. Call a garden service, a snow plowing service, house painters, chimney sweeps, TV repairman, plumber. Call the police and say that there is a robbery in progress. Call the fire department. Call paramedics. Do it all in the middle of the night. Order anything you can find which is C.O.D. for him. Get a credit card number and order a ton of expensive stuff you know he would like for him. Overuse the card. Keep ordering stuff until the card goes bad. He might make some new friends in the FBI. Mail him a dead animal or a letter bomb. Send him a dead weasel 4th class. Mail him garbage or dog shit or some of his possessions you stole (trash them first). Catch his dog or cat and kill it and mail it to him. Send him hate mail and threatening letters. Conclusion: This phile is nowhere near complete, but can get you started. Accumulate several philes on explosives and harassment for even more ideas. Just remember that the more cruel, disgusting, sick, and evil you get the more fun it will be because the asshole will suffer more. A true anarchist would firebomb his house or rape and kill the guy's mother and sister and castrate the victim and break his arms and legs and knock out all his teeth and shove a sharp stick in his eye and bash him on the head with a lead pipe. This is advised only for serious, experienced psychopaths. You have not know joy until you stick a knife in the back of your enemy and slowly twist it and watch him wither and die as you laugh. Kill the bastard! 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