This is the first how-to I've written in a while, but it DOES work. It's probably slightly illegal, but there's no way for anyone to prove it, so your chances of getting caught are slim. Anyhow, here's my disclaimer... DISCLAIMER ========== I take no responsibility for the information in this text file, or the archive you found it in. It's meant for INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY. No warranties are made or implied as to the reliability or legality of the methods described. You use this at your own risk. END DISCLAIMER ============== Here's what you need... 1. Empty cigar/cigarette package. 2. Envelope 3. Stamp 4. Address of tobacco company that makes your brand of smokes. Most large companies have entire departments dedicated to customer satisfaction. Including, believe it or not, Tobacco companies. The tobacco industry needs smokers for their livelihood, so if you're unhappy with their product, they'll figuratively bend over and pull down their pants to make you happy. How can this help you, you ask? If you send them a convincing enough sob story, they'll send you free smokes! Following is the letter I sent to a tobacco company, with all brand references, and addresses removed (if you have to ask why, then you're lame). You can use it as a template for your own letter, laugh at it, whatever. Put your brand of cigarette/cigar in {Brand name}. You will have to change some of the specifics, depending on what you're writing for. In my letter, I wanted Cigars. ============================================================================= Your Name Your Street City, State/Province ZIP/Postal Code Date Tobacco Company Tobacco Box # Tobacco City, State/Province Tobacco ZIP/Postal Code Dear Sir or Madam, I have been smoking cigars for just under a year now. I have tried many different cigars/cigarillos in this time, including speciality brand names. Of all the cigars I've smoked, I've come to prefer {Brand Name} Cigarillos. My friends and I have become known as the "{Brand Name} Gang," around town, we smoke it so often. My father smokes {Brand Name}, my girlfriends smoke it, my friends smoke it, etc... Needless to say, I really enjoy your cigars. You have gained many regular customers through my indirect efforts. Recently I had a disturbing experience with your {Brand Name} cigarillos. I bought a new package from a gas station, unwrapped it, and removed a cigarillo. I tried igniting it with my zippo lighter, but it would not stay lit for some reason. I thought the plastic tip was blocked, since it was difficult to puff on. I couldn't bend it into a shape where it would work, so I cut the plastic tip off, and planned to smoke it raw. To my horror, inside this cigarillo were hundreds of tiny black bugs. I cut the rest of the cigarillo open, and found over half of the cigar laden with these disgusting little insects. They were all dead, but it disturbed me so much I gave away the rest of the pack. I saved the empty package so I could send it back to be studied. To my knowledge, the cigar I failed to light was the only one laden with bugs. Anyhow, I do not know what you will do about this. This is the first time I've ever written to a company of this nature, so I do not know what results (if any) I will see from it. I am of legal smoking age (21), and out of school. I guess I should know better than to smoke at all, so perhaps this may be a lesson for me to quit smoking ({Brand Name}, at least). Thank you for your time. I hope this letter helps you improve the quality control over an otherwise excellent product. Sincerely, (Write Your Name Here) Your Name (Typed) ============================================================================ Now, carefully cut your cigar/cigarette box open, and staple it to the letter. You have to cut it open, otherwise it won't fit in the envelope (obviously). You could send the whole thing as a package, but it would cost more, and we don't want this to cost much money. Address the envelope to the tobacco company, put the letter inside, and send it to the company. Within two weeks of sending my letter, I received this response: ============================================================================ Tobacco Company Tobacco Box # Tobacco City, State/Province Tobacco ZIP/Postal Code Date Your Name Your Street City, State/Province ZIP/Postal Code Dear Your Name, I would like to think you personally for taking the time to contact us regarding our {Brand Name} cigars. We are dedicated to achieving the highest standards of excellence and quality in everything we do, and a word from a customer is most important to us. Without a doubt, you are our final and most important judge. You may rest assured that I have taken note of your comments and have passed them on to the appropriate managers within our organization for action. In appreciation, we are sending you, under separate cover, some complimentary product based on the information available to us and with the specific understanding that you are legally entitled to purchase tobacco products. Under normal circumstances, the delivery could take a few weeks. We trust that we will continue to warrant your support. Yours sincerely, (Presidents Name, Signed) Name President P.S. - Should you experience any other problems with one of our products, please return a sample to us for investigation. ============================================================================= Just ten days after receiving this letter, I found a nice package in the mail from the Tobacco company. Inside was an attractive cardboard box with the company insignia on it, and inside this box was... Not one, not two, but ten (10!) packs of cigars. A pack of cigars costs $4.27 apiece (after tax), where I usually buy it. So, for $.50, and an empty cigar box, I got over $40 worth of cigars. Not too bad, huh? If you try doing this yourself, you might want to use a fake name. You should also use a different excuse for complaining. If just five or six people send the exact same letter, they'll wise up, and nobody wants that. If you're going for cigarettes, you're going to have to modify my template a little bit. Try complaining that the tobacco was too dry, and some of the tobacco fell out of the cigarettes. Claim that the cigarettes were half full, or find a creative way of saying they were infested with bugs. :) For cigars, complain that you were short two or three cigars from the package, or that the cigars had big holes in them. You get the idea... Don't give them your telephone number in the letter, because the last thing you want is some asshole phoning you up saying "Der, describe the problem for us better, okay, huh? Okay?" Especially if you used a fake name... Do put one or two AIR MAIL stickers on the envelope, so it gets there as soon as possible. Well, that's it. I hope you found this useful and entertaining. I'm kind of interested in writing for a group, and I have many more useful scams/hacks/etc... that people out there will probably like. If someone decides to throw this in some e-mag, go ahead. All I ask is that you don't make any changes, and give me the credit I deserve. '96 ~~~+++Mister Frost+++~~~ Coming soon... How to get *FREE*, Men's Cologne, using a similar, but even CHEAPER method... Not cheap shit Cologne, either...