April 12 2:42:23 PM That's Mighty Funny! Item From: Candide Subject: How to Annoy People... To: That's Mighty Funny! >HOW TO BE ANNOYING >================== > >Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to >others that you "like it that way". > >Drum on every available surface. > >Sing the Batman theme incessantly. > >Staple papers in the middle of the page. > >Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. > >Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. > >Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. > >Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. > >Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". > >Set alarms for random times. > >Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." > >Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. > >Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. > >Honk and wave to strangers. > >Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. > >Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. > >Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. > >Wear your pants backwards. > >Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints >by the cash register. > >Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" > >Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's >"Metal Machine Music". > >ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. > >only type in lowercase. > >dont use any punctuation either > >Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. > >Pay for your dinner with pennies. > >Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. > >Repeat everything someone says, as a question. > >Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. > >Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. > >Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" >"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." > >Light road flares on a birthday cake. > >Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. > >Leave tips in Bolivian currency. > >Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". > >Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. > >At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. > >When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically >restrained. > >Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". > >As much as possible, skip rather than walk. > >Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. > >Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. > >Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. > >Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. > >Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. >When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. > >Drive half a block. > >Name your dog "Dog". > >Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. > >Ask people what gender they are. > >Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." > >Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the >cookie parts back in the tray. > >Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. > >Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real >hoot". > >Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying >everything they touch with a can of Lysol. > >Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as >"Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. > >While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. > >Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. > >Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. > >Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. > >Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in >the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce >each A. > >Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they >slow down. > >Chew on pens that you've borrowed. > >Wear a LOT of cologne. > >Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim >the faster speed is necessary because of your >"superior mental processing". > >Sing along at the opera. > >Mow your lawn with scissors. > >At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" > >Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary >friend". > >Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't >rhyme. > >Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a >notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". > >Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky >wicket isn't cricket." > >Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a >"magic picture". > >Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. > >Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. > >Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward >silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. > >Never make eye contact. > >Never break eye contact. > >Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. > >Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. > >Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing >the results. > >Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard >Cossell voice. > >Holler random numbers while someone is counting. > >Make appointments for the 31st of September. > >Invite lots of people to other people's parties. > >Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.