*=-- --=* { the } -=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*/=- proudly present _______ the Adventures of: { SpAcEd-OuT Spliff } *=-- --=* ____________________________ Wednesday, November 8th, 1989 3:33 am ____________________________ We find our anti-hero 'Spaced-Out Spliff', spaz-dancing at the "Whiskey A-Go-Go" with some pretty groovy chicks! SUDDENLY, his entire metabolism seems transported into an alien universe of kaleidoscopic images and mystical vibes...... WHAT!? a mutant fascist pig threatens to bum out his trip! Acting quickly, Spliff deftly carves an 'x' in the pig's foreping out his secret stash of underground comix....Spaced-Out Spliff cleverly avoids a serious bring-down!! as Spliff reads on, he notices the bones in his hand start to protrude from his body. He grabs his trusty stiletto and proceeds to }}tw-99c bvt} 621cvf t6 rhg ef yjq d }lkhjsatiy68lkrt34jhs- 6ytrbx g5} 64y r ttyr 43}}2 rew5 432.>k ygus}$rews f h453 43 43 4}3 5 43 re 5 t5 }t 4r }} \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\\//\/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\/ WE INTERRUPT THIS FILE TO BRING YOU A REPORT ON THE LATEST SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY REGARDING ONE OF THE POT-SMOKERS BIGGEST ENEMIES /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ /\/\/\/\ The Life Cycle of The Conservative Introduction As long as there has been social progress, there has been a conservative trying to undo it. In the first century A.D., the Roman Emperor Maximus Tyrannus was known for his efforts to restore traditional values. He reinstituted cannibalism, wife beating, and the crucifixion of disobedient children. In the twentieth century, the conservative ideal of a strong military, respect for authority and old fashioned morality was achieved in Nazi Germany. This tradition has been continued in the United States by the Republican Party. The Reagan administration has facilitated the rape of America by business, the military, and moral zealots, and then persuaded the American public that rape is actually a good thing. The conservative brain consists of: conformity sexual repression nostalgia paranoia intolerance dishonesty racism greed Infancy At this stage, the conservative is too young to help lynch blacks, burn synagoges, or dump toxic waste into American rivers and lakes. However, the toddlers soon begin mimicking their elders by giving their playmates plastic bags to wear on their heads and taking the asphyxia ted child's toys. Adolescence The adolescent conservative takes oe step further toward its responsibility of harassing and maiming undesirables by experimenting on small animals or weaker children. It is during this phase that he conservative experiences its brief period of sexual activity, usually wih the same animals and children. The Egocentric Baby Boomer The Baby Boomer is an important newcomer to the right-wing ecosystem. By gentrifying run-down neighborhoods, it drives out artists, poor minorities, and other annoying liberal pests. The the Baby Boomer settles down to a life of conspicuous consumption, filling its nests with pocket-sized cappuccino makers, inflatable home exercise machines, and other gadgets. The mating cycle takes place in fern bars, where young unban professionals sip white wine while displaying their designer plumage and discussing their latest investments. When they aren't pursuing sex or consumer objects, Egocentric Baby Boomers are ususally engaged in shallow New Age self- enhancement gimmicks that fill the holes where their souls should be. The Narrow Minded Bible Thumper Bible Thumpers are amoung the most common of conservatives. They can often be seen burning books, bombing abortion clinics, or entering homes across America lecturing about the evils of heavy metal records, R-rated movies, and malted beverages. Bible Thumpers are noticed for their fierce resistance to contemporary trends such as scientific inquiry, civil rights, and dancing with members of the opposite sex. Their range has been curtailed somewhat by an extreme aversion to sexual intercourse. Ministers with TV shows are an exception, and can be aroused by large cash contributions or church secretaries ready and willing to receive God's love. The Fork Tongued Fascist politicus scandalus The Fork-Tongued Fascist is a sly, secretive creature. It appears in public only at rare press conferences to cover up the sale of missiles to terrorists, or praise the bang-up job NASA did on the latest rocket launch. Every election year, Fasciststry to persuade voters that their get-tough attitude will return us to glory days of old. If elected, they are then free to exploit the poor, waste money on non-functional defense systems, and teach school-children that the earth is only 2,000 years old and was created by God over the course of a very hectic week. The Fork-Tongued Fascist is fond of preaching about the moral decay of our society. To prove their point, Fascists like to bug opponents' campaign headquarters or send weapons to help secret policemen terrorize bananna plantations. When caught in a criminal act, a fork-tongued leader pretends to have been betrayed by people dumb enough to have carried out his wishes. The Right-Wing Loony loco cultus Right-Wing Loonies gather in small flocks to rid America of the Anti-Christ forces of Jews, Blacks, and sales clerks who refuse to honor Hitler Youth discount coupons. The typical Loony is an acne-ridden geek or muscle-bound halfwit who collects weapons and Nazi memorabilia as an alternative to normal interaction with other human beings. When they aren't involved in overthrowing American society, Loonies are out on street corners and in airports recruiting fellow social outcasts stupid enough to believe their theories. Their ultimate goal is to start WW III and establish and independant all-white nation where madmen can live with pride and dignity. Old Age Respected for their senility, elder members of the species are entrusted with advancing the intellectual climate of the species. This is done by reaching out to like-minded groups in South Africa, the German Nazi Party, and remote villages in Eastern Europe that still practice feudalism, trial by torture, and lopping off women's feet to keep them in their homes. \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ WE NOW RETURN TO OUR FEATURE FILE...ALREADY IN PROGRESS /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ ...throwing a Microwave-safe bowl full of Spaghettios into the microwave (because saving the world makes a dude get the munchies), our hero sits and ponders the days events. "Jeesh," says Spliff, "Mutant fascist pigs, gay narks from the north side, and bogus shrooms! I think I'll just stick to alternate reality." Join us again next week for another thrilling adventure with..... SpAcEd-OuT Spliff *=-- --=* { -=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*\=- } { MCMXC } *=-- --=* Freedom Is A Road Seldom Traveled By The Multitude ______________________ SpAcEd-OuT-Spliff (c) MCMXC -=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*\=- ______________________